King's High Well-being booklet for Parents sept 2017 by King's High Warwick

Good Mental Health and Well-Being Ms Emma Williams â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Kingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s High Well-Being Mentor [MBACP, BA (Hons) Person Centred Counselling & Psychotherapy (University of Warwick); Diploma - Nutrition Specialist (Southampton)]

C. Renton Deputy Head (Pastoral) Sept. 2017

Contents 1

Introduction – Good mental health and emotional well-being

Changes around emotions and feelings

‘Letting Go’ - Fostering an attitude of independence

Self-esteem Self-esteem – a new focus on “Awareness” and “Acceptance”

Resilience

Boundaries

Anxiety

Bullying

Coping Strategies

Praise, Encouragement and Reward

Final Thoughts for Parents - Self Care

Further reading

Appendix 1: Relaxation and Calming Techniques Appendix 2: Fixed and Growth mindsets Appendix 3: “You are …” Self Awareness and Acceptance

29 31 32

Ms Emma Williams joined the King’s High Pastoral team in September 2014 as the Well-Being Mentor. A fully-qualified practitioner, Emma has over 18 years of experience providing professional support to adults and young people. She mentors individuals and families, focussing on personal development, growth and the psychology underpinning positive behaviour change, as well as with more specialist health-related and lifestyle issues including eating disorders. Emma has worked in many areas of counselling and for various agencies including the NHS and charity organisations as a volunteer counsellor. She set up SEDA Counselling & Psychotherapy with a view to providing a service focusing on the needs of the Warwickshire area and local community. At King’s, Emma does not provide a counselling service but her expertise provides additional pastoral support to the girls as they journey through school. Girls can self-refer, be referred to her by a Head of Key Stage, Matron or Mrs Renton. Our aim, is to improve, on every level, the academic and pastoral experience for the girls and ensure that we all work closely together to help each girl achieve her potential. This booklet was written in response to the changing social landscape and requests from parents for advice on how to support their daughters more successfully. We hope you find it interesting and a starting point for further research and discussion.

INTRODUCTION : Mental health and emotional well-being

Teenage well-being Teenage well-being is built on physical, mental and emotional health and is essentially based upon two things, how they view their world ‘the outside’ and how they ‘feel’ on the inside. Part of this includes having positive relationships, effective social skills, participating in different activities and gaining life experience. All of these aspects help teenagers to find their own meanings about things in their lives. Feeling that they are doing well in areas of life that are important to them is also key. All of these things help teenagers to develop, grow and become effective members of society. The journey through the teenage years is not an easy one and is full of change; change which can bring with it many challenges and often the associated emotions and feelings which can get confused and misunderstood both by themselves and by others. Things can very easily and quickly get out of balance, so this booklet is designed to inform you and give some advice in addressing certain issues, while also aiming to help get the balance right. For a teenager, particularly an older one, too many restriction can have an impact on their happiness factor. Gaining life experiences that are independent of parents is really important, as are their friendships and social activities. It really matters to a young person that they are taken seriously and valued as a unique individual, rather than being stereotyped as a ‘teenager’. Positive social relationships are vital for teenage well-being and can help them to relate to the world around them. Your child needs close and supportive family and friends. Good parent-child relationships tend to lead to good teenage friendships. Emotional and physical well-being are connected, in that they have a direct impact on each other. Feeling physically unwell for any length of time can cause shifts in hormone levels, which can have a knock on effect on mood. So physical health is important to overall health and well-being. Sleep, physical activity, diet and relaxation are often things which can get quickly out of balance in the life of a teenager. It is good to develop daytime and night time habits to support these needs: Sleep:

Caffeine is a brain stimulant. Having caffeine after 3pm can make it harder to sleep at night.



Switch off mobile phones, computers and TVs at night. If possible keep these out of the bedroom altogether – there is much researched evidence which demonstrates that Wi-Fi contributes to the development of insomnia. Also playing games and chatting online eats into sleep time, making it hard to function the next day. It is also now being linked to aggressive behaviour and depression. For further information on technology usage and impacts on well-being, Dr Aric Sigman http://www.aricsigman.com/ provides research based articles and books. Dr Sigman speaks to Year 10 girls yearly and in October 2014 gave a talk to parents on “Managing Screentime Dependency”. He was joined by Mr Karl Hopwood http://esafetyltd.info/ who spoke about “Online Safety”. 3



Sleeping during the day can make it harder to get to sleep at night. Keep naps to 20 minutes, and don’t nap too close to bedtime. Try going for a walk instead.  Try to make the hour before bedtime calm and relaxing. Avoid exciting or upsetting activities, such as electronic games and TV.  A regular bedtime is best.  Always fall asleep in bed. Try to encourage good sleep habits and daily physical activity. Teenagers need about 9¼ hours of sleep each night and at least 60 minutes of physical activity every day. Looking at ‘Sleep Hygiene’ is very popular at the moment. The National Sleep Foundation have some useful information on this, you can access their website at: http://sleepfoundation.org/excessivesleepiness/content/healthy-sleep-tips-0 . Also the following TED link from Professor Russell Foster (Chair of Circadian Neuroscience Brasenose College Oxford) is interesting: http://www.ted.com/talks/russell_foster_why_do_we_sleep?language=en Physical Activity: Often the demands on young people makes it hard for them to find time to exercise or be physically active. Physical activity is so important in keeping the developing body and mind fit and healthy – during adolescence, your child needs at least 60 minutes of activity every day. Exercise produces endorphins and these feel good hormones trigger positive feelings in the body, which help to balance mood, reduce stress, and improve self-esteem. These endorphins also interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Being active every day can help:         

improve heart health and fitness develop strong muscles, bones and good posture maintain a healthy weight improve concentration and memory learn new skills increase self-confidence reduce stress make and keep friendships improve sleep.

Diet: food affects mood – How? Blood sugar – glucose, which is obtained from the carbohydrates (carbs) we eat, is the brain’s main source of fuel. Without this fuel, our brain will be less able to fully function. Some carbs are better for us than others. Sugar, chocolate, white pasta, biscuits, white bread and cakes will only give a short burst of energy due to the 4

sharp rise in blood sugar they produce, leaving the consumer to feel tired and grumpy very soon after the sugar high wears off. Complex carbohydrates such as wholegrains, brown rice, beans, pulses, and vegetables, are a much better choice. These are slower releasing fuels and don’t have such a dramatic impact on blood sugar, so giving a more sustained energy source. If your child eats lots of sugary foods and drinks stimulants such as coke or drinks containing caffeine, their blood sugar levels will ‘yoyo’ up and down. This can make them irritable, anxious, and sometimes even dizzy. Poor concentration and aggressive behaviour are also associated with rapid blood sugar changes. Proteins found mainly in meat, fish and soya products are broken down in the body to amino acids, which are vital to good mental health. The brain’s communication centre is fuelled by amino acids, so protein is vital for effective brain function. Depression, apathy, lack of motivation or tension can be associated with too few amino acids in the diet. Good Fats - essential fats, found mainly in oily fish, seeds and nuts, cannot be made within the body, so we have to get them from food. Sixty per cent of the brain is made of fat, and the fats we eat directly affect its structure. A lack of omega-3 fatty acids has been linked to various mental health problems, including depression and lack of concentration. Vitamins A, D, E and K are fat soluble vitamins and can only be transported around the body in the fat we consume, So the lower fat diets = low levels of these essential vitamins being available for the body to use. Brain food: top tips 

Don't skip meals. Eat three meals a day with two ‘healthy’ snacks (for example fruit or yoghurt) in between.



Eat breakfast within an hour of waking up. Never skip breakfast.



Try to have at least five portions of fruit and vegetables every day.



Try to drink 6-8 glasses of water every day.

Brain food on a Budget - Good food doesn't have to be expensive. The Royal College of Psychiatrists has these tips for healthy eating. 1. Avoid ready meals and takeaways. They are usually bad for you and poor value for money. 2. Crisps, ice creams and sweets should be kept as an occasional treat. 3. Buy fruits and vegetables in season, when they're cheaper. 4. Buy fresh foods such as fruit, vegetables and meats in small amounts and more often since they go off easily. 5

5. Avoid tinned foods as they're usually more expensive. For example, dried beans and pasta are less expensive than canned beans and processed pasta. 6. Avoid fizzy drinks and fruit juices. They are often quite expensive. Use water and fruit instead. 7. Compare prices in local shops and supermarkets and take advantage of special offers. 8. Use â&#x20AC;&#x153;genericâ&#x20AC;? supermarket brands instead of classic brands. They often contain the same ingredients but are cheaper. 9. Cook and eat together with others and share the costs. 10. Make a shopping list and plan your food budget every week. If you feel you cannot do this on your own, ask for help. The following two website links host information that is pertinent to healthy diets for teenagers: http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Goodfood/Pages/healthy-eating-teens.aspx and http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_children_young_people/better_mental_health/look_after_your_body? gclid=CjwKEAjwlPOsBRCWq5_e973PzTgSJACMiEp282EbbHj9nbd85fzUBuGQtgZMenXDTDLJQjOUiaguBoC9Czw_wcB RELAXATION - is NOT a luxury, it is ESSENTIAL Relaxation benefits performance

less stress

better sleep

better well-being

better performance

We all know that stress affects out performance, and has an impact on our overall well-being. It is now accepted that persistent, high levels of stress will have a dramatic affect on the adrenal system, a system which is essential to sustain life. So the adrenal glands produce numerous hormones which are responsible for many of the body’s metabolic processes. These processes dictate how our bodies function. These chemicals/hormones are like messengers travelling around in the bloodstream, acting on body tissues and organs, enabling them to function correctly. The most commonly known of these hormones are adrenalin and cortisol. So it is quite normal and healthy for both of these hormones to fluctuate throughout the day and even at night. However it is also very important that levels return to normal following a stressful event. Where adrenalin levels will always return to normal after approx 20 minutes, cortisol does not follow the same rule. Unfortunately, when stressful events are re-occurring or stress levels are persistently high, the stress response of cortisol is activated so often that the body does not always have a chance to return to normal, and levels can actually continue to rise. This can lead to health problems resulting from too much cortisol circulating in the bloodstream and the adrenal glands can become chronically fatigued (adrenal fatigue). One way to bring cortisol levels down is to introduce relaxation into your daily schedule. Relaxation is an essential component for healthy living and can really improve physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. In a similar way to exercise, it is known to be beneficial. Empower daily relaxation Finding time in the day to relax gives cortisol production a break and a chance to reduce the levels circulating around the system, and gives the adrenal glands a chance to rest. There are many ways we can find to relax, including listening to music, reading, hobbies/crafts and watching TV/films especially humorous ones (laughter is a stress reliever). We can all learn the skills and techniques needed to help us to effectively release physical and mental tension. *I would advise that playing computer games does not constitute relaxation, although it is often a sedentary activity, stress is experienced in the brain functions as a result of competitiveness or the predictor/pray scenarios that so often features in these games. The mind-body link and the benefits of relaxation Most of us are aware that there is a strong link between our physical wellbeing and our mental and emotional wellbeing. When we feel physically unwell, it’s quite normal to feel emotionally run down too. This is also true when we feel mentally drained or emotionally low, stressed or anxious; we might start to feel physically unwell. We might then experience: Headaches  Muscular pain in our neck, shoulders or back  Fatigue and low energy levels  Raised blood pressure 7

    

Heart palpitations Disrupted sleep patterns Shallow breathing - leading to poor quality of gaseous exchange Increased susceptibility to infections due to suppressed immune system Increased blood sugar levels, which can negatively impact cholesterol levels

These symptoms can often negatively influence our wellbeing and our quality of life, including relationships with family or friends, performance at school or work. This also affects our ability to relax. Regularly practicing in relaxation techniques can play a significant role in helping to lessen many of the negative consequences we may experience from feeling mentally and emotionally low. It’s important to understand that relaxation techniques may not deal directly with the underlying causes that lead to us feeling mentally or emotionally low (especially if this is due to a clinical mental illness), but it can really help with the effective management of the situation or condition. Additionally, the positive results of practicing relaxation techniques will often put us in a stronger position to effectively tackle some of the external causes that lead to us suffering mentally and emotionally. These could include:      

Improved confidence leading to increased feelings of personal control over our lives A consistently calmer state of mind that can lead to more rational and positive thinking A greater sense of self-worth Less apathy Greater strength and energy to effectively cope with life’s ‘ups and downs’ And better able to relate to family, friends and work colleagues and gain support from them

It really is worth finding a few moments every day to practice the art of relaxation (see Appendix 1 Relaxation and calming techniques) 2

CHANGES AROUND EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS

Social changes and emotional changes: what to expect in adolescence You will probably notice changes in the way your child interacts in all aspects of their life during the adolescent years. Emotional development is different for each child. The combination of genes, brain development, their environment, experiences with family and friends, community and culture all have an impact on and shape their own unique development. Social Changes – You might notice that your child is: 

Searching for identity: The search for identity is very much influenced by gender, peer group, cultural background and family expectations. One thing is sure though, young people are busy trying to work out who they are and how they fit into the world around them. 8

Emotional Changes – You may notice: 

Moods may seem unpredictable - that they display strong feelings or very intense emotions at different times. Your child’s brain is developing and she is learning how to control and express emotions in a grown-up way. This can be difficult for her to understand and the ‘emotional rollercoaster’ she experiences can lead to increased internal and external conflict. 

Over sensitive to your emotions - while they’re still developing life skills young people can sometimes struggle to read or process other people’s emotions. As they get older they get better at learning to read and interpret the facial expressions or body language of others.



Your child becoming more self-conscious - physical appearance and changes can often seem so important to a teenager. Self-esteem is often affected by how they look – or by their perception of how they think they look. Comparison plays a role in their forming a view of themselves. It is not unusual for a developing child to compare their bodies with those of friends and peers.



Your child may think she is invincible – this is the stage of thinking and acting as if nothing bad could happen to them. Your child is still learning that actions have consequences and her ability to make decisions is still in the early stages of development. Risk taking behaviour is often associated with this learning curve because children are still developing control over their impulses. Your child is developing a stronger individual set of values and morals. As teenagers learn that they’re responsible for their own actions, decisions and the consequences, they will begin to question more things.

As with much of their development, your words and actions shape your child’s sense of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. Try to be consistent and clear in the messages you are trying to model. Your child is starting to develop and explore her sexual identity. So she may express interest in romantic relationships or wish to go on ‘dates’. This doesn’t automatically mean these relationships will be intimate or they will be sexually active. For a lot of young people, intimacy or sexual activity in relationships don’t occur until later on in life. Openness about such things is a good model to develop. A child who feels able to discuss their feelings, fears and expectations with you, without feeling judged, is far more likely to come to you when they feel they need support or have questions they need to find the answers to. They are also more likely to confide in you about more sensitive issues, or issues of a sexual nature. Find more resources and information online at: http://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/age_appropriate_sexual_behaviour.htm



Your child communicating in different ways - the internet, mobile phones and social media can significantly influence how your child communicates with friends and learns about the world. Things have moved on and changed dramatically since your own teenage years and some of their methods of communication may seem alien to you, but are very important for them. It may still be useful to limit or encourage some boundaries around the amount of time they engage in such activities, so coming to a mutually agreeable time allowance for media use can be useful. Ask your child to be involved in settings these limits. Ask them what they feel about these time boundaries, and consider their opinions. ‘Considering their opinions’ doesn’t mean they get their ‘own way’, it does mean they feel heard, which is really important in the development of their identities, values and attitudes not only towards themselves, but towards others. ‘LETTING GO’ - Fostering an attitude of independence

Being a parent is not an easy job, it requires various levels of engagement and challenges that change as our children grow. A healthy perspective is one that invites and encourages change, not only in our children, but also in ourselves. The journey of self-discovery and growth is not one solely for our children. Autonomy (self-governance) is an important part of becoming independent and developing into adulthood, and it is important to promote autonomy in our children. As our children grow and develop into teenagers they may begin to form opinions and values that may be contrary to our own, and that can be tough when you have bought them up and nurtured them, wanting them to value the same things as you do. Respecting their values and sometimes differences of opinions and communicating this to them is an important part of promoting autonomy. Communicating that we respect differences of opinion doesn’t mean they can have their own way, it does mean they feel heard and valued as people.  Guiding teens in problem solving helps them develop independence  Teens learn by example from adults they respect  Encouragement works best As young people begin to move in a direction that makes them more independent, they will begin to rely more on themselves and less on you. For some parents that is difficult and for most teenagers it is quite tough too, but it is a necessary part of becoming an adult. Growing up in many ways means growing apart. 

Independence is not something teenagers develop overnight, it takes time, the earlier you start to help them do this the easier it is for them.



Independence should be earned in return for responsible behaviour.



Contributing to family life is an important step towards independence, it communicate values and attitudes. Buying into house rules and family customs indicates taking some responsibility for their part in the family structure.



Lived experience – going out into the ‘real world’ and seeing what it is like. Teenagers need to explore the world around them but obvious concerns arise when considering more freedom; discussing and agreeing safe practice when away from home is a good foundation to promoting autonomy, and helps you feel reassured that they will make good, appropriate decisions based on the openness and honesty that previous conversations have enabled. Allowing them to have some say in planning their activities is also enabling.



Resisting rescue – teenagers need to be allowed to fail; making mistakes and experiencing failure are normal parts of life. By rescuing our children, we are suggesting that mistakes/failures are not acceptable, Think before you step in to save!! Maybe ask yourself the question “Am I giving them the space they need to develop a healthy attitude towards life and its uncertainties?”

* An example could be getting up in the morning, maybe allowing your child to be responsible for setting their own alarm clock for the morning. If it doesn’t go off and they are late for school, there will more than likely be some consequence. They will learn far more effectively through that one lived experience, than they ever will through verbal tuition on the subject. More information can be accessed by visiting the website Life Skills Your Teen Needs to Be Independent http://parentingteens.about.com/od/agesandstages/a/Life-Skills-Teens-Teaching-Independent-Living.htm Also educationalist Lance G King’s website http://www.taolearn.com/ has lots of interesting articles and research including “The Importance of Failing Well” http://taolearn.com/articles/article88.pdf In addition, see Appendix 1 – Two Mindsets: Growth mindset and the fixed mindset 4

SELF ESTEEM

Self-esteem is a term which frames how a person feels about themselves and the things they do. We often hear the term when associated with a negative outlook on life: a person with ‘low’ or ‘negative’ self-esteem will generally think they are no good as a person or in the things they do, often assuming that situations will work out badly for them or that they don’t deserve good things or even that they don’t deserve to be loved. Someone with high self-esteem might also be described as confident or self-assured. Children and young people with high self-esteem: 

Have a positive self-image



Are confident 11



Easily make friends and are not anxious around meeting new people



Can play in groups or on their own



Will try and solve problems on their own and aren’t afraid to ask for help



Have a sense of pride in their achievements



Are able to admit when they make a mistake and can learn from the experience



Are adaptable to change and willing to try new things

Children with low self-esteem: 

Have a negative self-image, often describe themselves as bad, ugly, unlikeable



Lack in confidence



Find making and keeping friends difficult, often feel they are the victim



Often avoid new things or experiences and struggle with change



Find it difficult to cope with mistakes, often associate mistakes with failure



Have a tendency to put themselves down, might describe themselves as ‘stupid’ or ‘useless’



Are often able to acknowledge their achievements, but focus on ‘I could have done better’



Compare themselves to their peers and defining themselves in a negative way

It is quite normal to experience each of the things listed above at some points in our lives and most children will identify with at least one or two of these as they grow and develop. Major life changes such as starting a new school, moving house, changes in the family and many other factors can affect a child’s level of confidence, but with love and support from parents and caring attitudes of other adults they are usually able to adapt to change. There are many factors that influence low self-esteem in childhood. 

Personalities – some people naturally have a more negative outlook on life than others. It can also be associated with a difficult or unsettled time when very young, early life health problems, family difficulties or having a parent who was depressed or preoccupied.



Difficult times - Some children develop low self-esteem following a difficult or challenging time within the family such as bereavement, divorce, being bullied or abused. 12



Pressure - Teenagers with low self-esteem can find it very hard to cope with pressures from school, peers and society. They can find it very stressful and feel they are expected to achieve good grades, look a certain way and be successful or popular.

The risk of developing issues such as depression, anxiety, self-harming and other mental health problems is higher in children and young people with low self-esteem. This can follow them into adulthood if left unsupported, and they may find the general ‘Ups and Downs’ of life harder to get through. Ways to support your child in developing their level of self – esteem and boost their confidence 

Show them lots of love, be positive about them as a person – tell them what makes them special to you



Set an example of a positive attitude when faced with challenges



Encourage them to try new challenges themselves, and celebrate them for it. Phrases like "Well done, that was hard, and you managed it" are good. Make the steps small at first, then increase the challenges



Give praise for their successes, and don’t focus on areas where they have not done so well



Reassure them it's OK to make mistakes and that it's all part of growing up. If you yourself make a mistake, admit it and say sorry, to show your child that getting it wrong is not the end of the world, it happens to everyone at some point



Avoid being too critical and don’t put them down – if you are unhappy with their behaviour, say that you are, try not to make it personal and make sure you communicate clearly that you still love them



Acknowledge their feelings and help them express their feelings in words. For example, encourage them to say, "I'm upset because..." or "I feel happy when..."



Use creativity to help the child express themselves – art, drama, music



Help children discover and develop their talents, through clubs, groups and activities. Finding something they are good at provides a huge boost to their feelings of self-worth. For further information and details about help and support visit: http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/whats_worrying_you_about_your_child/selfesteem/getting_help

If you are worried that your child has very low-self-esteem or that lack of confidence is getting in the way of things in their life, please make the school aware of what you believe they are struggling with. There are things the school can do to mentor your child in this area and the Well-being Mentor at school is trained to work with children in this area. 13

You can also talk to your GP if you are worried and they can refer you to other professionals who are qualified to help. Professor Sarah-Jayne Blakemore (Cognitive Neuroscience, University College London) provides an interesting insights on the adolescent’s brain http://edge.org/conversation/the-adolescent-brain SELF ESTEEM – A NEW FOCUS ON “AWARENESS” AND “ACCEPTANCE” Generally when we wish for high self esteem, our wish is that self-esteem will increase in order that the child lives a more fulfilled existence. For many years it has generally been regarded that positive self-esteem gives us the strength and flexibility to take charge of our lives and grow through our mistakes without the fear of rejection. …does it though? The insight I have gained through working with self-esteem related issues leads me to wonder whether it is more like a mask. Let me explain by using an example we may all be able to relate to… Too focused on the SELF - Too much detail and too many selfies Social Media life is a becoming a bit of a vain show… There is so much information available to us nowadays, and there are obviously pro and cons associated with that. One of the downsides I see for young people is the danger of becoming too focussed in on the detail, too interested in ‘other’s’ information, other people’s lives. Where is there for them to go? Where is there a place for young people to feel free from being evaluated by someone? We see this in friendship groups, the amount of information available about each other often invites room for judgement and criticism. Praise is often vague and short lived. Take the ‘selfie’ for instance. The truth about selfies and profile pictures is that the ones that are published…the ones we put online for the world to see, are very often one of a dozen attempts to capture ourselves in the ‘perfect’ light, with the ‘perfect’ pouted or contented expression…with the ‘perfect’ lifestyle portrayed in the background, the one that portrays – “Hey… I’m doing well, I have a positive or high levels of self-esteem and life is great. Sadly these images are often not representative of our true lives, this is most often not our reality or how we really look most of the time. They are usually a ‘snip it’ in time of our ‘best’ self, the self we want others to see. So what is it we don’t want other to see or to know and why? “Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all that I have...” ― John Powell 1999 The trouble is this promotion of ourselves sets a standard and invites an attitude of compare and compassion, which is not helpful for young people in terms of developing said ‘self-esteem’. Often rating themselves and their self-worth via the amount for ‘thumbs up’ or ‘likes’ their portrait/prolife receives... a short lived selfglorification.

Judgment seems to play rather a large role in a lot of the issues I see girls struggling with. Could it be that after so many years of being in the public eye as an ‘ideal’, Self-esteem is an overrated concept? However you package or present self-esteem, there has to come with it in varying degrees of self-evaluation. So evaluation is about making judgments, measuring something against a standard. Evaluation attaches to ‘conditions of worth’, and values that are inherently conditional. When we measure ourselves in terms of ‘self-esteem’ we are evaluating ourselves against certain standards, there being the judgment. Self-esteem does not take into account the whole person, it is an ongoing evaluation which also does not consider the whole life of the person; the social, cultural and environmental factors, and that change in any of these factors is hugely relevant... In short the fruits of self-esteem might be described as;  

Evaluation promotes comparing and comparison. Persuades a perusal for or seeking towards perfectionism Develops self-criticism and Encourages self-loathing

So I want to introduce you to the idea that high self-esteem is NOT such an effective way to encourage our children to be. I would like to introduce a different model and one that I promote avidly in my work. Let me introduce to you the concept of - SELF AWARENESS. So as I’ve already discussed how self-esteem is about ‘self’ and ‘other’ evaluation, Self-awareness on the other is hand is about observation, observing different aspects of ourselves. Observation - is neither judgemental nor non-judgmental it is neutral. Encouraging our children to be accepting of themselves in all situations is helpful in promoting an attitude towards a more socially accepting culture and living a more ‘whole’ existence. Self-awareness      

Takes courage Makes us more brave Alleviates the types of erroneous thinking that promotes anxiety Promotes self-acceptance Helps us to accept others Develops a sense of grounding

Self-awareness gives us a better understanding of ourselves and helps us to accept that we are unique and separate individuals. Is it this realisation and acceptance that empowers and facilitates change. It helps us identify our strengths and weaknesses (which we all have and that is OK). To build and develop both of those aspects of ourselves if we desire to. So the is a conscious acknowledgement of what we have done so far and areas we can develop further in. Part of self-awareness is acknowledging that sometimes we 15

get it wrong! We don’t always know the answers, accepting that we ALL at some point get it wrong and make mistakes. Self-awareness also develops: More self-awareness 

Personal development



Improves communications



Interpersonal relationships



Group dynamics

Example might be: - rather than trying to hide the person inside that feels weak and insecure, we are open and state that we feel these things and that does not define us as a whole person, it identifies how we are feeling in that moment, a much healthier, and more enabling response. Adults are hugely influential at modelling this attitude. So this development can start at home with you. Although if you, like me have grown up with an attitude that sharing emotional experiences or feelings is seen as weakness this might be more of a challenge, so maybe there’s something is this for all of us. Observation and value judgments: awareness precedes acceptance People often make the point that we need judgments to inform our decisions and live life. “How could I make decisions if I don’t first make a judgement”? There are times when making judgements is completely appropriate and can help keep us straight on a moral and ethical pathway. However there are also many times when this is not helpful. There are certain distinctions that determine the difference between a value judgment and an observation; Observation is experientially seeing, hearing and feeling what is happening around us. Defining that in thought, we can then symbolise what we experience in words or observe it silently. Judging something, is an extension to this (above) process and adds in a subjective evaluation. Labelling the event as either ‘good’/‘bad’, ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ etc. It then becomes a ‘value judgment’, this type of valuing affects the process of decision making. Essentially the ‘label’ affects how we respond. So observation is the essence of awareness and informs us of our experience in that moment, the process which follows; that of adding in an evaluation, precedes and informs the judgment.

How does awareness influence acceptance – and how does that help? This exercise may help demonstrate:So start by making an observation about yourself, example – “I feel shy in social situations, with people I don’t know”. Ok – so now decide if it is a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ thing to be this way. When we attach a label/judgement such as ‘bad’ to something about ourselves, it becomes impossible to be okay with that part of ourselves. Repeating this exercise with several different observations – often reveals how much we are judging ourselves. The ‘good’ news, Opps sorry!! - no label intended…is that it is possible to accept how you behave in social situations and still know that you would like things to be different, or to change that behaviour. I wonder how different things can be when we drop the value judgments and simply see ‘what is’ - from that point then identifying what or how we would like it to be and why? Adopting this attitude can totally transform your experiences. When we are able to be more accepting of ourselves, we will undoubtedly find out more about ourselves, and this can help to establish a more positive outlooks on life. Perhaps finding a spring of acceptance towards yourself and for others that we never knew existed. I like this quote and see the truth in it:“The truth is, every human being on this planet is ridiculous in their own way. So we shouldn't judge, we shouldn't fight, because in the end... in the end, none of it matters. None of the stuff.” Gordy McLeod (played by Billy Connelly) in the 2014 film– What We Did on Our Holiday. I suppose a big relief might be that we all make judgements in some way. Once we are able to commit to trying to stop judging/evaluating ourselves, we can adopt an attitude of non-evaluative forgiveness, or ‘unconditional positive self-regard’. In fact, once we refrain from sometimes lifelong habits of obsessing about assessing and reassessing ourselves - striving rather to be self-compassionate. We are able to see ourselves through a different lens, a lens of compassion and understanding towards ourselves, and our past behaviours. This further invites us to look at others through a similar lens. By seeing ourselves as being ‘fully human’ and our past as “doing all that we could at that time, given all the circumstances”--we'll find that it is much easier to forgive. Most certainly, we can decide to do things differently as we move forward, but we can also accept ourselves ‘precisely’ as we are today, regardless of our shortcomings. It is absolutely possible to accept and love ourselves today - as we are, and still be committed to a lifetime of personal growth. This self-acceptance does not mean we have to say goodbye to motivation, or give up on 17

making changes or improvements that will make us more effective in our lives. Acceptance is a crux for change and not a hindrance. Self-acceptance is all about change in the relationship we have with ourselves and with others. A deeper level of understanding and quality in connection, and a doorway to living a more whole life as a result. (see Appendix 3 – You are …) 5

RESILIENCE

Life is a series of UPs and DOWNs and that is quite normal. Where we often appreciate the UP times, the tough times are not so welcome and we can sometimes feel overwhelmed by them. Resilience is our ability to recover from the downs to ‘bounce back’, or sometimes it might be to continue to live effectively despite challenging or difficult circumstances. Helping our teenagers to become more resilient can have a knock on affect throughout their lives. Not only does it help them to cope, it can encourage them to ‘step out’ of their comfort zone and take ‘reasonable’ risks. Although risk taking can sometimes create frustrations or even setbacks, it can also increase confidence, create new opportunities for growth and build confidence. We can all learn skills to become more resilient, although it does follow that the more challenges one faces the more difficult is to be consistently resilient. So how do we become more resilient? A relationship that encourages openness is a good basis to build upon; ensuring a loving, strong connection with your child can help build resilience. Showing them you value, love and respect them is likely to promote the same quality in them, towards others.

How personal values and attitudes build resilience Self-respect – Help to set standards of behaviour - If your child believes that they matter and should be treated respectfully by others, they are more likely to keep themselves safe, behave more responsibly and be less vulnerable to bullying. Empathy, respect for others, kindness, fairness, honesty, and co-operation - are also linked to resilience. So showing concern and support for people who are in need. Being acceptant of others and their differences, showing kindness to others and not mistreating or bullying others. By communicating some of these messages you can help your child in coping with everyday life. A positive family attitude fosters resilience – points to communicate to your family 

In general life is basically good, but now and then everyone can have a difficult or unhappy time. Ups and down are a normal part of life. 18



Staying hopeful can often help you work through a problem. Most things will get better over time but sometimes it may take longer to improve than you’d like.



Talking to someone you trust about what’s worrying or upsetting you can often be helpful in trying to work out what is the best thing to do.



There is no such thing as ‘perfect’, making mistakes is quite normal and helps us to find out that there are things we can do well and things we do not do so well.



Try to look for the positive in all situations. There will always be one, it may be small, and sometimes we have to look quite hard to find it, but it will be there. This attitude can help us to cope in difficult times.



Encourage one another to take responsibility for our actions: this can be best demonstrated by modeling. It is really important to try not to blame ourselves or others when things don’t go the way we planned them to. It is better to look at ‘responsibility’ as taking ownership of a part in the situation. To look at a situation as a potential learning opportunity as opposed to a setback.



Sometimes things happen which cause us to be sad or worried, sometimes these things are unchangeable and sometimes not. If something cannot be changed, the only real way to move forward in dealing with it is to accept it. Life might be different from that point on, and it’s about finding a ‘new’ normal. Often when change is hard to accept it can be useful to talk to someone about it and explore the feelings and emotions around it.



We all face things in our lives that are unpleasant or feel scary, we all get these feelings of fear at some time. It is very likely that what triggers fear is different for each of us. Facing your fears can help you grow stronger.



At times we can all experience very strong emotions, the key is not to allow them to ‘overwhelm’ us. That might be feeling out of control or not in charge of ourselves but you ALWAYS have a choice. There are many ways to calm yourself in challenging situations, sometime it can be useful to find ways to cope with smaller less challenging situation - it’s a bit like practicing. Finding techniques that are effective in helping to reduce or dissipate strong emotions is important and these vary between people such as maybe going for a long walk, having a bath, listening to relaxing music etc. There are many ways to relax or wind down and we will each do this differently, so encouraging your child to find their own way is important in building resilience.

Always try to remember you are a role model for your child. By seeing and hearing a positive, optimistic attitude in your character, not just towards other but towards yourself will encourage the same attitudes in your children. More information can be found by visiting the American Psychological Association at http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/bounce.aspx 19

BOUNDARIES

Creating Effective Personal Boundaries Clear and healthy boundaries are critical to living an effective and fulfilling life, a lack of boundaries will pull you away from being your best. A child learns how to put appropriate boundaries in place through the ‘role modelling’ of significant people in their lives. What are Boundaries? Personal Boundaries are designed to protect and preserve important parts of our lives. They are created to clarify what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviours from others. Just as a fence protects and preserves our physical property, so should personal boundaries protect our personal selves. These key areas to Protect Using Boundaries may be useful to discuss these with you child: Private/Personal space – This is the space directly surrounding and includes our physical bodies. This space protects our physical bodies and helps us to feel safe within ourselves. As we grow older we develop a sense of personal space and sense of privacy which is unique to each of us. We usually feel uncomfortable when someone ‘crosses over’ or ‘enters into’ the virtual boundary or is “in our space”. Some people have a need for a ‘greater’ space than others; some need very little and are OK with closeness. However, it is important to develop our own ‘healthy’ boundary in terms of what is allowable and how close we allow others to get alongside us. Some people like a hand shake, some people like a hug, what do you like? Another example of ‘space’ might be a teenager’s bedroom. This is a special place and for an older child should be a space which they can take some ownership of. If others invade this space without being asked in, this can leave an older child feeling disempowered and intruded upon. 

Emotions – Emotions are where our love and caring come from. This should be well-protected. Often, people in our lives may say or do hurtful things (often unintentional) that can affect our emotions and heart our hearts. Examples of things that might impact our emotional boundaries are: has someone in our life made hurtful remarks or comments; been thoughtless towards us; talked about us in an unkind way to someone else? Ask your child to think of examples of these things and discuss these with them.



Energy – Energy is the source from which we function. This energy can come from many sources; sleep, our “quiet time”, being relaxed, activities that invigorate us can also re-energize us. When others do or say things that drain us of this energy (such as invade our privacy, create turmoil, make unreasonable demands) we are less likely to function effectively. Ask your child to think about what things make reasonable demands on their energy source – and to think about the priority of these things? 20

Also what things make unreasonable demands upon their energy? Can anything be done to change these? 

Your personal values or other areas of importance to you – Anything in our life that is important to us (such as our personal values, needs, family, etc.) can be areas that can benefit from effective boundaries. Ask your child to think about what other areas of their life which might need boundaries?



Time – Time is valuable, we each have a limited amount of time we can dedicate to certain things. Learning to apportion appropriate time to tasks and things that demand out attention can be tricky. We also need to leave some time for ourselves to wind down or to do something we enjoy “just being”. When we don’t leave enough time for ourselves we risk ‘burning out’ and this means that we are less effective and less able to function effectively. Encourage your child to have some ‘down time’; time to relax, read a book, listen to music or do something they enjoy, sometime just for them.

Ways to encourage your child to create their personal boundaries There are a number of ways to create and respect boundaries that are important to us. Here are just a few examples:  Be clear about the boundary to both yourself and others. Make sure you have been thoughtful about the boundary issue and have defined for yourself and others what is acceptable and unacceptable.  Once a boundary is crossed, remind the individual of your boundary and ask for their help in maintaining that boundary.  If the individual continues to disrespect the boundary, ask firmly and politely for the behaviour to stop. If the behaviour continues, consider what further action is appropriate to stop the behaviour. Remember that while you may be firm, you should also remain respectful of the other individual.  Identify ways to position yourself in a time and place that minimizes the opportunity for your boundaries to be crossed.  Thank those people around you who respect your boundaries and thank those who have respected your requests to start observing your boundaries.  Always seek to understand and respect the boundaries of others. 7

ANXIETY

What is anxiety? We all experience anxiety from time to time, it is quite normal. In terms of our innate drive to survive, anxiety is the body’s way of keeping us safe and preparing us to face challenge, stress or to deal with a threat. Most often when we feel challenged, hormones adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol are produced by our bodies and are responsible for certain physiological changes that occur. This response in often described as 21

the ‘fight or flight’ response, these hormones prepare our bodies to be alert to danger and ready to react to the challenge. So anxiety can be useful and helpful when we face new or stressful situations. How much anxiety is ‘normal’? Experiencing some level of anxiety is quite normal, so as part of growing up all children and young people will at some point get anxious. As a normal part of their development, anxiety will help them grow up and develop the ‘survival skills’ they need to prepare themselves to be able to face challenges in the wider world. Although we are all different and the levels of stress we are able to cope with will also differ; some people are just naturally more anxious than others, and are quicker to get stressed or worried. Someone who feels stressed or anxious a lot of the time is likely to have consistently higher levels of the stress related hormones, which is likely to cause further stress; it can become a self-perpetuating cycle. If you think your child’s anxiety is getting in the way of their day to day life, slowing down their development, or having a significant effect on their schooling or relationships, it is best to try and help them tackle it. Talking to someone about this can usually be helpful, like your G.P. What does anxiety feel like? Anxiety causes a number of reactions in the body, which can feel very unpleasant: They include... 

Feeling shaky, feeling sick or having stomach cramps, or feeling dizzy or faint



Breathing fast or finding it hard to breathe



Heart beating fast (palpitations), sweating, tense muscles



Feeling like you might die.

These reactions are designed to make us feel uncomfortable so we are alert and able to respond quickly to danger. But anxiety which happens often, or at the wrong time, can affect the behaviour and thoughts of the anxious person in negative ways. These can include... 

Feeling scared, panicky, embarrassed or ashamed a lot of the time.



Not having the confidence to try new things, face challenges or even carry on as normal



Finding it hard to concentrate, or having problems with sleeping or eating.



Having angry outbursts where the person gets very angry very quickly and feels ‘out of control’.



Worries or negative thoughts going round and round the person’s head, or thinking that bad things are going to happen all the time.

The symptoms of anxiety can significantly impact on a person’s behaviour and their quality of life. Sometimes people may begin by avoiding certain situations that are stressful to them, which can lead to further 22

avoidance of new experiences through fear of feeling anxious, the essence of anxiety is worrying about some potential threat. This can cause an overall negative outlook, avoidance of social situations, and, potentially, isolation. Eventually a person might come to believe they cannot cope with life, this is really the alternate high end of the spectrum to the normal acceptable levels of anxiety most of us experience sometimes in our lives. It is really important to recognise the physical signs/symptoms, awareness makes it easier to take action and reduce the level of stress and anxiety, both in the short and the longer term. If you recognise that this experience is familiar to your child then it is really important to seek help and guidance, your G.P. will have knowledge of anxiety and will know what information will be helpful, they will also be able to make an appropriate referral for you. More information on anxiety is available at the website for Youngminds : http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/worried_about_your_childanxiety/dealing_anxiety 8

BULLYING

What is bullying? Bullying affects many young people and it can happen in any school; however, the way it's dealt with by the school makes a huge difference to the outcomes. A definition of bullying The term usually refers to repeated behaviour which is intended to hurt someone either emotionally or physically. It can be related to many different concepts; it can be aimed at specific groups of people because of their race, religion, gender, sexual orientation or even to appearance or disability. Bullying can happen anywhere: at school, on the way to and from school, outside of school within the neighbourhood, even in team sports. Bullying can take many forms including: 

physical assault



teasing



making threats



name calling



cyber bullying *

* What is cyber bullying? Cyber bullying is bullying through a mobile phone or online (e.g. by email, instant messenger or on social network sites). Cyber bullying is just as serious. In today’s world with 24/7 communication it can be very difficult to escape entirely from bullying behaviour. Advice for your child if they experience bullying at school 23

Bullying is unlikely to stop unless you do something about it. If your child is unhappy and feels they are being bullied at school then there are many people they can tell to get support. They can tell a friend, tell a teacher, tell someone in the family such as a grandparent, aunt, uncle or cousin. Telling someone can feel extremely hard to do, so encouraging open dialogue and even writing down what they feel may be an easier way to explain these feeling. If bullying is happening in school it is really important that the information is passed on. Do encourage communication with any member of staff perhaps starting by telling the form tutor/teacher what is going on:

Find a way to let someone know, this will be a positive step in stopping it. Maybe find a time when they are alone such as the end of a tutoring time or a lesson when everyone else has gone. You could even ask to speak to them on the pretext that you need some help with your homework.



If they don't feel you can do that, then speak to the Head of Key Stage, the school Matron or the Well-Being Mentor.



Do not encourage retaliation to bullying or “hitting back” because they can get hurt or get themselves into trouble.

Bullying can take many forms and includes: 

name calling



making things up



hitting, pinching, biting, pushing, shoving



taking things away/hiding belonging



damaging belongings



stealing money



taking friends away from you



posting insulting messages or rumours, in person on the internet or by instant messenger



threats and intimidation



making silent or abusive phone calls



sending offensive phone texts



bullies can also be intimidating, so that school avoidance can occur 24

Body language is important – if your child is worried about being bullied chat them about this, maybe discussing the following points:How do you feel when you walk into school in the morning? Timid, shy, confident or strong? Your body language can tell other people a lot about how you are feeling. So if you are feeling self-aware or worried, then someone with a tendency to bully might notice you. If you're trying not to be noticed and looking at the ground a lot while walking into school it can make you more noticeable. Looking defensive can make you more vulnerable. However, a more confident attitude in your steps can send out a quite different message, and is more a sign of strength. 

You may not be feeling very confident but you can certainly look it, if you make the decision to.



Try to stay in safe areas of the school at break times and lunchtime, especially stay in areas where there are plenty of other people, dinner ladies or members of staff.



If you are hurt by a bully at school, tell a teacher immediately and ask for it to be written down and ask the school to inform your parents. Make sure you tell your parents as soon as you get home.

Being bullied can be very upsetting and certainly leads to the feeling of not being able to cope, so communicating is critical. Negative behaviours are not acceptable and children need to grow up learning what is acceptable and what is not. Negative behaviour impacts upon a child’s self-esteem so it is very important that it is dealt with and that finding ways to relieve stress and developing coping strategies (section 9) are found. This personal development helps the child become more resilient. Remember, exercise, positive self-talk, relaxation techniques and breathing exercises are all good ways to manage the stress from bullying. There are many ways the school can help and regular meetings, talks, information is distributed to girls and girls encouraged to say how they feel so that support can be provided. In addition, a questionnaire is put out to all Year 7 – 11 girls annually about bullying. The girls feed back that there are very few incidents of bullying in school. Where bullying does occur, it is dealt with very seriously. For more information on dealing with bullying visit the Childline website at:http://www.childline.org.uk/explore/bullying/Pages/Bullyinginfo.aspx 9

COPING STRATEGIES

Physical activity is a great way to manage stress and teenagers who engage in physical activity for stress management report lower levels of stress. Parents can also play a vital role in modelling healthy lifestyles and promoting physical activity by encouraging their children to join in sporting activities or engaging in activities with the family such as cycling. Advice to give your children 25

 

Get some sleep (see advice on sleep in Section 1) Engage in physical activity Physical activity is one of the most effective ‘stress busters’. It doesn’t have to be extreme activity like running. What’s important is that it is enjoyable and that it is sustainable. Find activities that are enjoyed and build them into the weekly routine. In terms of stress reduction the best physical activities are those with a social component. So team sports are a great option, or just going out with friends. As long as it’s something fun, then it is more likely to be continued.



Focus on strengths Spend some time really thinking about the things you and your child are good at, and find ways to do more of those things. Focusing on strengths helps keep stresses in perspective.



Invest time in activities that give a ‘feel good factor’, bring joy – all are valuable ‘stress busters’, such as listening to music, going to the movies, drawing, reading fiction books. Encourage your child to take some time out of homework and / or revision to do these things...ESPECIALLY when they are busy with school work i.e. during exams.



Talking to someone Talking is critical for self-development. There are many opportunities in school for communication whether that is with a trusted parent, teacher or other trusted adult such as Matron or the WellBeing Mentor. This is one of the best ways of reducing stress. They will be able to advise and suggest new ways to manage stress and anxiety or to deal with new situations. If they cannot help they will be able to suggest another professional person who is trained in helping people make healthy choices and managing challenging situations.

For further information and downloadable resources booklet visit the MIND website at:http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/stress-a-guide-to-managing-it

PRAISE, ENCOURAGE and REWARD

Praise here is referred to as when you tell your child what you like about their behaviour. It helps them to feel positive about themselves. It is not about measuring outcomes. An encouraging parent gives children feedback about their performance but they ensure the feedback is realistic and they work from positives rather than negatives. Be descriptive in your praise – So telling your child exactly what it is that you like. For example, ‘I love the way you shared your game with your brother today’. Descriptive praise is best for boosting self-esteem and building positive behaviour. You might praise your teenager for coming home on time from their friend’s house, for tidying their bedroom without being asked to or for starting homework without being reminded.

Encouragement – is non-judgmental. Encouraging statements point out specific facts but do not evaluate them. Children who are encouraged tend to develop a stronger self-motivation and pride in their work because the encouragement focuses on what they are doing well, not what the teacher thinks about their work. For example, ‘You worked really hard on that homework, well done for your effort’. Praising effort can encourage your child to try hard again in the future. You can also use encouragement before and during an activity to help them succeed. An example maybe, ‘I know you’re nervous about the test, and you’ve studied really hard, whatever the outcome, you know you’ve done your best’. Some children, particularly those with less confidence or low self-esteem, benefit from more encouragement than others. Encouragement is particularly important for teenagers. Reward A reward can become the outcome for good behaviour. It’s a clear way to say ‘well done’ after your child has achieved something or behaved well. Rewards can take many forms and can be a treat, a surprise or an extra privilege. Because a lot of behaviour is influenced by the consequences that follow it, rewards can make your praise and encouragement more effective in encouraging good behaviour, therefore the behaviour is more likely to happen again in the future. Sometimes it is easier to see the bad behaviour and not to notice when your child makes an effort. Try to pay attention to all that they do, so quietly sitting reading a book is behaviour that could be praised, whereas behaviour such as shouting at a sibling is very much more obvious, and maybe we are quicker to respond to that. Tips for using praise, encouragement and rewards 

When you feel good about your child, tell them. Try to give your child some words of encouragement each day, maybe before school at breakfast or on the way to school and in the evening before they go to bed. If you think of these encouragements as an ‘investment’ which build up in an account over time, this credit can make a big difference for your child’s future.



Descriptive praise - is describing what you like about your child. When you say exactly what you’re happy about, your child knows what you mean. For example, ‘I like the way you’ve set out your room. You’ve found a place for everything’ or ‘I love this picture you have drawn and the colours used’. This shows you are interested and that your praise is genuine, rather than and being vague praise and generalizations such as ‘You’ve been good today’.



Praise your child for their strengths. We all have strengths and weaknesses and your child’s are very unique to them. Try to draw attention to your child’s strength, this will help them in 27

building confidence and lift self-esteem. Making comparisons between one child and another can lead to feelings of resentment or create unrealistic expectations, try to avoid this if you can, and try to value each child as unique and individual. 

Encourage good behaviour with praise, rather than pointing out the bad. So trying to focus praising over criticism. Ratio of 6 to 1…experts suggest trying to praise children six times for every one time you criticise them.



Notice small changes and accomplishment – The expectation of perfection is a huge burden to place on anyone. Try to notice the small efforts your child makes. If you wait until your child has done something perfectly before you acknowledge their efforts, you might find yourself waiting a long time and they will very likely get demotivated along the way.



Praise effort as well as achievement. Try to recognise and praise your child’s effort and not just the outcomes – for example, ‘You worked really hard on that essay’ or ‘well done for putting such an effort into your homework this evening’. More information can be found by visiting the website Parenting Ideas at:http://www.parentingideas.co.uk/Blog/February-2013/Encouragement-V-Praise

FINAL THOUGHTS FOR PARENTS - Self Care

What about you? Understanding teenage development goes a long way in coping with the ups and downs of parenting teenagers. There are some useful resources out there, look around and become informed about different views and opinions, there is no definite ‘right way’ to parent, there are many style and expert opinions, knowledge is key and will help you develop a style which suits you and your family. These are some very basic tips for you as a parent  Take time out for yourself to do things you have always enjoyed such as reading, visiting friends, exercise - going to the gym, going to the cinema and so on. 

Talk to friends who have teenagers and get a perspective on the issues, consider other’s parent’s experiences. This may be helpful in terms of information sharing and mutual support.



Parenting can be really stressful at times, and often brings out the serious side of us. Try to lighten up and bring a bit of humour to the job.



If you are struggling, seek some advice, you don’t have to manage alone. See if there is a parenting course in your area.



If you are struggling in other areas of your own life such as with relationships, budgeting, bereavement, bullying, separation etc. seek some help for yourself too. 28

Remember - None of us are qualified to be parents – it’s a learning curve for everyone. Self-care is just as applicable to you as a parent, as it is to your child. 12