It's Not Just What You Can See

At first glance, you may not know that I am married to a woman . That’s right, I’m a lesbian, but truthfully, I hate titles . Sure, technically, as a woman married to another woman, I am gay, but I’m so much more than that . Who I’m married to doesn’t define me. It’s just a part of my story. That realization has helped me dig deep into my own DEI journey . It has also made me want to learn more about others who are different than me .

Big picture - I grew up privileged. My parents were married and had full-time jobs. We lived in a safe neighborhood, had three meals a day, toys to play with, safety, love, and so much more. I took these things for granted as a child, a teenager, and even a young adult. I had a secret, kind of. I was gay. Yet, I refused to come out. Why should I? Why should I have to make a big announcement when my “straight” friends did not have to? It was not fair. And frankly, I was mad about it (and still kind of am).

Believe it or not, I never officially came out. I never told my parents or loved ones directly, never made a big deal of it, and never wanted to. Maybe the fact that I never had a boyfriend was the first clue? But when I had my first real adult girlfriend, I brought her to meet my family, and that was that. The same goes for my now wife. She was just always my plus one. I never wanted to have this big coming out thing because I didn’t believe I should have had to.

Thinking back, that experience has caused me to think about so many other things that are not fair and aren’t someone’s fault. Where kids grow up, who their parents are, and the cards they are dealt are not always fair. It does not make someone less than others. That realization opened my eyes even more so to all the injustices in the world, in our community specifically, and made me want to learn more.

I had never taken the time to listen to the story of a single parent trying to make ends meet or a friend of a different race who is judged by others simply for the color of their skin. Sure, I’ve seen my fair share of hate or discrimination. Growing up, many of my female friends had short hair, liked to wear clothes from the “boys” section because it made them more comfortable, and often held hands with other girls in public. We caught looks and comments from time to time. Even now, when I have to make an appointment for something for my son or myself, I’ve been asked:

“And what’s your husband’s name?” OR “Will his dad be coming too?”

I don’t have a husband, and my son doesn’t have a dad. He has two moms, and I have a wife. Having to tell people this is annoying and sometimes still makes me feel uncomfortable. Most of the time, there is no malice attached to these questions, but society has tried to teach us that a family is one mom and one dad, they are married, and that’s that. I absolutely love when people ask me about my partner or spouse instead of my husband. You cannot assume someone even has a spouse, much less what gender they are, and the same goes for a family unit. Kids could live with their aunt, grandma, etc. I’ve seen strides in this but there is still work to be done, even for me. I make sure to think before I ask someone something that could make them uncomfortable or not ready to share.

What I implore you to do is take the time to learn, educate yourself, talk to others who are different than you, and make the effort.

DEI shouldn’t be just a hot topic for an education session but an opportunity to grow and do better. We could take a class every week for the rest of the year and still not learn all there is to learn about Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, but making the effort is what counts.

Nicole Keshler Visit Raleigh MPI-CC Past President

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