Mitchell’s Malarkey

NAH, I’M GOOD

I have shared in the past that I have several, active group texts with different friend groups—many of whom are lawyers. Generally speaking, these group texts are reserved for light-hearted topics. We share funny Twitter posts and memes and tell stories about our kids. We complain about work. We plan our next get-together so that in true, millennial fashion, we can all cancel last minute. We sometimes talk politics and routinely exchange articles on current events and the like. As friends, our interests are mostly aligned, and we generally agree on the issues—especially the big-picture ones— which makes it easier to keep the text streams flowing. 99.9% of the time, things are pretty kumbaya in these group texts. On occasion, however, a controversial topic slithers into a group text and tempers flare, revealing the fissures of our friendship. Those of you who know me can attest to the fact that I live life on a hair trigger, so I’ll admit that I’m no stranger to “ratcheting up the rhetoric.” I come from a long line of passive-aggressive types. Through years of observation, I found that approach to be ineffective, so I’ve taken on the scorched earth approach to confrontation.

My most recent eruption came during a debate over a very important topic. Which is better: Velveeta Shells & Cheese or Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (a/k/a “boxed vomit”)?

Let me set the scene. It was Halloween night. Everyone in the group text was sharing pictures of their children in their costumes. My child had just finished dinner, which included Velveeta Mac & Cheese. (Please do not call DCS. Dinner also included a protein (salmon) and vegetables (peas and carrots).)

As most 16-month-olds do, Maxie had plastered cheese sauce all over her clothes, face, and hair. Admittedly, we had already decided not to torture ourselves by trick-or-treating with a toddler, so although she went to school dressed as a cow (she loves to say, “Moo!”), we had long removed the costume by the time these group texts were circulating. To avoid seeming like a Scrooge, I sent a picture of Maxie sitting in my lap, in a diaper, and with wet hair after we tried using handwipes to remove the cheese sauce from her hair.

To provide the text group with context, I followed the picture with a text, explaining that she had eaten Velveeta Shells & Cheese (I used the formal tradename to show my deference to the craftsmen who created such a superior product) and made a mess, which necessitated stripping her down to her diaper. Within seconds, the hateful barrage began.

The first text: “Can’t hide money. My house is still on Kraft blue box.”

My response: “That’s because [your husband] is a toddler.”

From there, things devolved. I demanded a vote, and of the verdict was shocking: three out of four members of that group text preferred Kraft. To pile on, each of the text group members also cast ballots for their spouses. It was nearly unanimous: Kraft won on a vote of 6 to 2.

I was stunned, to say the least. I have lived my entire life believing that Kraft was reserved for institutional settings where diners have no choice: mental institutions, daycares, prisons, nursing homes, etc. DICTA’s editorial guidelines limit my ability to share the texts that followed our vote, but suffice it to say, I did not handle defeat well, and I am not proud of everything that went down.

In the days that followed these texts, I was left wandering. Never in my life was I so sure that my opinion was mainstream only to find that I was in the minority. I tried to resolve the inner conflict the only way I know how: research. I scoured the internet1 and found three objective reviews of these products. The first, which came from a website aptly named “Food Rankers, gave an extensive review of what they considered “the five best boxed macaroni and cheese brands.” Noticeably absent from Food Rankers’ list: Kraft blue box. Rather, the lowest-ranked brand in Food Rankers’ taste test was Kraft Macaroni & Cheese “Deluxe,” which is Kraft’s half-hearted attempt at Velveeta Shells and Cheese. In its review of Kraft’s imposter, Food Rankers describes Kraft’s product as having a “lackluster flavor” with a “weird” taste that “remind[ed the reviewers] of nacho cheese.” Round one: Mitchell.

The next review came from a website called “The Takeout.” Much like the previous review, the Takeout tested four different boxed macaroni and cheeses: Annie’s Homegrown; Kraft blue box; Back to Nature; and, the king, Velveeta Shells and Cheese. The author prepared each and relied on her son to give his honest rating. The verdict: Velveeta Shells & Cheese received a grade of B+ and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese received an A. This proves the importance of a fully formed frontal lobe and confirms why children cannot vote in U.S. elections. Still, round two sadly goes to Kraft.

With the score tied, I had one source left: a website called “the Insider.” Unlike the others, this review tested four single-serve, microwavable options: Velveeta, Annie’s White Cheddar, Annie’s Real Aged Cheddar, and, of course, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. The review shows multiple pictures of each product at the various stages of preparation. These pictures confirm my primary criticism of Kraft’s product: despite vigorous stirring, it is impossible to prevent that stupid, powdered cheese from clumping. Although the reviewer commended Velveeta for its consistency, he or she ultimately favored Kraft “even though the aftertaste felt artificial.”

As Ernest Hemingway famously wrote in The Old Man and the Sea, “A man can be destroyed but not defeated.” I refuse to let this outcome destroy me. It seems clear that despite my confidence in Velveeta’s superiority, the people have spoken, and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese prevails. Accordingly, I owe an apology to each member of the group text. But more importantly, I owe each of you an apology. By forcing you to read this column, I have now taken five minutes of your life that you will never get back. I am truly sorry. If you think Velveeta Shells & Cheese would ease the pain, give me a call.

MITCHELL’S MALARKEY By: T. Mitchell Panter

Lewis Thomason, P.C.

1 In full disclosure, I did a single Google search using this inartful, natural language search: “Velveeta Shells & Cheese v. Kraft.” And my reporting relies on the three responsive hits from the first page of Google results.