Legally Weird

LEGALLY WEIRD By: Lisa J. Hall

Hodges, Doughty & Carson

RETURN(S) OF THE MAC (AND CHEESE)

Velveeta, you lied to me.

When perusing the shelves of macaroni and cheese (hereinafter “mac and cheese”) options, I had a very specific goal of preparing and eating lunch within 5 minutes, flat. This allows 90 seconds for eating and 210 seconds for preparation. Simply mentally divide each cup of pasta into nine bites and eat one bite every ten seconds. Then, return to your day!

Imagine my absolute delight upon seeing that Velveeta, a superior processed cheese brand, makes a mac and cheese that fits within my rigid criteria. Ready in 3 ½ minutes? Sign me up!

So, I signed up. I purchased the mac and cheese. I dutifully followed each of four (4) steps. By the time I had followed all of the directions and perused the notes, I was overcome with heartbreak, anger, and pain that is difficult to classify and explain. “Ready in 3 ½ minutes” was false and misleading. Simply stated, a lie. Velveeta lied to me.

In order to prepare the mac and cheese, you must first remove the lid and cheese sauce pouch. Next, you have to transport the cup to the sink (or other safe water source) and add water to the fill line in the cup. Then, stir. Only then do you place the prepared cup into the microwave, at which point it cooks for 3 ½ minutes. Finally, once it has cooked for 3 ½ minutes, you stir in the contents of the cheese sauce pouch. To add insult to injury, apparently some “standing” is required in order for the cheese sauce to thicken. (Yes, you could eat mac and cheese with thin sauce, but I am a reasonable person, and that is my standard.)

Not only is there not enough time to eat lunch within the firm 5-minute time limit, there is not even enough time to fully prepare the mac and cheese within that time frame, which of course exceeds the 3 ½ minute promise. Velveeta knew, or should have known, that the time involved in removing the lid and cheese sauce pouch, filling the cup with the appropriate amount of water, stirring the pasta and water, stirring in the cheese sauce, and allowing the finished product to stand before consuming would take more than zero seconds. 3 ½ minutes is just the length of time it takes to complete one of many tasks.

For some time, I thought the only person who could possibly understand this dark and angry place I am in was Mark Morrison, who recorded “Return of the Mack” in 1996. You may have heard this song if you ever turned on the radio in 1996 and the years immediately following. You may recall the haunting refrain, “You lied to me.” Yes, you can feel his pain in this song, but do not forget it is a comeback song:

‘Cause what you did, you know was wrong And all the nasty things you’ve done So baby, listen carefully While I sing my comeback song

I have drawn strength from this song. Perhaps Amanda Ramirez did, as well, as may every other similarly situated person who has or will join in a class action suit against Kraft Heinz Foods Company1 , presently pending in the United States District Court, Southern District of Florida. (If you are already feeling FOMO2, never fear – Ms. Ramirez seeks certification for people in several states, including Tennessee!) Ms. Ramirez’ lawsuit3 nails it. She purchased the mac and cheese at the Publix in Hialeah, Florida in October or November of 2022, “among other times.” (Which begs the question, how many times did she endure the laborious and lengthy process of preparing this mac and cheese before she realized that it actually took well in excess of 3 ½ minutes?). By November 18, 2022, she was ready to sing her own comeback song, by and through counsel. She retained Spencer Sheehan of Great Neck, New York so that nobody else must suffer in this way again. It is about the principle! What is Kraft guilty of? Let me count the counts: unfair methods of competition, unconscionable acts and practices, unfair and deceptive acts and practices in the conduct of its business, misrepresentations of material fact, breach of warranty, breach of implied warranty of merchantability, breach of fitness for a particular purpose, negligent misrepresentation, unjust enrichment, and, needless to say, FRAUD. The extent of damages? $5 million. I am sure this was a really difficult amount to determine, because how can you put a price on lost seconds in lunch preparation or consumption?

I hope to join this class of plaintiffs and obtain my share of the $5 million, but we all know that a fraction of $5 million will not fill the macaroni-shaped hole in my heart. Stay tuned for the (remastered) comeback song.

1 Velveeta is owned by Kraft Heinz Foods Company 2 FOMO: fear of missing out 3 Ramirez v. Kraft Heinz Foods Co., United States District Court, Southern Dist. of Florida, Miami Div., No. 1:22-cv-23782-BB

WHAT I LEARNED, continued from page 6

Tennessee Court of Appeals – Eastern Division Justice John W. McClarty also from Chattanooga is an outstanding jurist whose panel sits in Knoxville. He too is African American. 4 On September 28, 2022, the KBA adopted its “Strategic Inclusion Plan.” However, despite stating on page 5 of the Plan, “It is the Board of Governor’s intention that the Diversity in the Profession Committee (“DPC”) will review and update this Strategic Inclusion Plan in regular intervals,” no required quarterly and annual review and reporting dates are specified in the “Strategic Inclusion Plan,” which would add accountability. Additionally, no annual Implicit Bias training is made mandatory for everyone serving in KBA leadership roles. PROJECT IMPLICIT, https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html is referenced on page 5 of the plan as an available optional resource for information about implicit bias. 5 There are still no black managing partners in Knoxville. 6 It has been over a decade since an African American has been appointed as a Knox County General Sessions Court Magistrate. 7 Census.gov 8 On June 23, 2021, the Honorable Bernice B. Donald presented an hour-long CLE titled, “Hiding in Plain Sight: How Implicit Bias Affects the Legal Profession.” 9 All KBA officers and Committee Chairs & Co-Chairs would have to have a current Certificate of Completion of the Implicit Bias training on file in the KBA Office on or before December 31st of the year preceding the calendar year they assume office as a condition precedent of leadership in the KBA. 10 The Strategic Plan goal would be 100% of KBA Leadership would complete Implicit Bias training on or before December 31st of each year. There could be other data points to track the trajectory of the voluntary completion rate of other members of the Bar during the scope of the Strategic Plan period. Everyone who completes the training could be recognized on the KBA website link to the January 1st list acknowledging completions for that calendar year. 11 Thereafter, the KBA Board of Governors could consider leading, advocating and lobbying for one-hour Implicit Bias training becoming one of the required annual 15 hours of CLE, which would reach all lawyers licensed in Tennessee and have a greater impact profession-wide. 12 It is not acceptable to be satisfied with there just being one judge who is black or who has a disability or whose religion is Jewish or Muslim or who is LGBTQ+ or who is a member of another protected class that is not currently included in the local, state and federal judiciaries. 13 KBA Board of Governors member Ursula Bailey authored an article in the August 2021, DICTA titled, “I AM NOT OK.” 14 George Underwood was born and raised in Knoxville. He completed his first year (1L) of law school at the Howard University School of Law in Washington, D.C. After transferring for 2L and 3L, he earned his law degree from the University of Tennessee College of Law-Knoxville. He has been a member of the KBA over 30 years. He is the Executive Director of the Office of Equity & Compliance at Pellissippi State Community College. The Equity & Compliance Office is also responsible for collaborating with Senior Staff to lead efforts to implement the DEI core value included in the five-year Strategic Plan of the College. Pellissippi State is the largest Community College in Tennessee.