First Dot: Attitude, subjectivity and intention

First ; Attitude, subjectivity and intention

The following saying, which is one of my favourite phrases in the Hebrew language, guides me through the research process. This way of perceiving the world gravitates the responsibility to me and the present moment. It is a call for action and emancipation.

?אם אין אני לי מי לי? וכשאני לעצמי מה אני? ואם לא עכשיו אימתי

Im ein ani li, mi li? U'kh'she'ani le'atzmi, mah ani? V'im lo 'akhshav, eimatai? If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? But when I am for myself, then what am "I"? And if not now, when? I have found this sentence to be a good trajectory guide; it helps me shift my responsibility from the outside world back into my hands."

(First critical review)

It is important to trace and contextualize how this Hebrew sentence set me free. To understand it, I'll take you back to the moment when I finished high school in Israel at the age of seventeen. Refusing to be drafted for military service, I decided to follow a childhood idea.

When I was twelve years old, somewhere at the beginning of the nineties, I read an article about the best prison in the world. At that time it was the “Bijlmerbajes” in Amsterdam. The inmates had their own cell, they could bring their pet and they even had their own TV.

The idea that criminals lived in better conditions than me, was enchanting. I knew I would live in Amsterdam the second I would get to choose for myself. I moved to the Netherlands before my 18th birthday. People's reaction to this story is mainly confusion ‘Did you plan to become a criminal’? No, I didn’t. Years later I read Rosa Luxemburg's quote:

“ Freedom is always the freedom of the dissenter”

(Rosa Luxemburg)

As I understand it now, the way a society treats its outcasts is a mirror of that society as a whole. Years later I learned that the origin of the name “Bijlmerbajes” is Yiddish, as Bajes means 'a home'. This prison is now turned into a hotel and student housing. The Dutch government is trying to reduce the number of jails around the country as they realize that it is more effective to reintegrate inmates in society.

The prison called me to the Netherlands and making art was my passion. At the age of almost eighteen, I went to study art at the Rietveld Academy. After the basic year, a year of having a lot of fun, trying different methods and media I decided to confirm myself and choose a 'serious study' with 'future job prospects'. I wanted to make art, but was afraid that I would not be able to support myself. A nightmarish thought for a freedom seeker, so I went to study graphic design.

It turned out I hated every minute of straight lines and equal spacing. But I encouraged myself with the thought that I had only 2,5 years to go until the end of the study. Just 27 months, just 26 months and three weeks and a day.

The days passed slow, but I finally made it. Only after my graduation at the age of twenty one, it dawned on me: now that I finished my proper education, the rest of my life will consist of rasters and straight lines. Manipulating people with beautiful images to buy toilet paper was my first assignment at the commercial agency.

Three months after working for an agency, I decided to let the straight lines disappear along with the ambitions of a career, fitting in and making money. I became VJ Tarantula by night and an eternal student by day. The combination meant freedom; at university, I could keep on researching the topics of my interests while hustling images as my creative expression. I was not at the mercy of art critics and art galleriesas the nightlife does not convey to the rules of daily life.

But after 16 years of nightlife, this freedom became a prison. I hardly saw daylight, and encountered mostly drunk people. My work was assembled from bits and pieces of one long night. I was ready to engage with the other world again, to search what it meant to me to be free within society. At that time I was asked by the Van Gogh museum to VJ during the Friday evenings. My canvas consisted of two huge walls, 16 meters wide to translate Van Gogh’s paintings into contemporary themes. I got more opportunities to make films and animations.

Instead of freedom, I found boredom. Long meetings with the marketing department, education department, online marketing and programmers talking about strategies of manipulation. If I learned one thing studying graphic design for three years, it was not to compromise on boredom. So at the age of 39, I took two years off to redefine my practice. There is an urban legend that the Film Academy building was designed by a prison architect. Hence, the narrow halls, panopticon design and viewless roof terrace. I amuse myself with the thought that once again, I went to prison to find freedom.