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alone
not
Publisher
Editor
Wole Sosanya
Kemi Ogunniyi
Editorial Team Associate Editor
Ola Sosanya
Advertising Sales UK/Europe Sales Stella Stevens stella@ladiesunhitched.com
Features Writers
lonely
advert@ladiesunhitched.com
Stella Stevens
Emmanuel Utomi Kofo Baptist Tracey Willaims
Ebun Odeneye +1 832 2826 938
Ekene Agabu
North America Sales
Dr Oge Ilozue
Nigeria/Africa Sales
Wole Sosanya
Femi Ogunsaju
Kemi Ogunniyi
+234 8054 73 2204 Peju Akinrinde
Guest Contributor
+234 8063113238
Michelle McKinney Hammond
Photography As credited on individual photographs
Distribution For more information or to earn extra income by becoming a distributor, please email the marketing
Design Chioyeedue Nwanze
Ladies Unhitched magazine (ISSN 2042-2458) is published by La vie Media, Box 795 Dagenham, Essex RM9 9AJ Postmaster: Send address changes to Ladies Unhitched magazine, Triniti House PO Box 795 Dagenham, Essex RM9 9AJ Subscriptions: UK, 6 issues (in a year), ÂŁ12.50; U.S.A, 6 issues $25.00; Canada, 6 issues $30.00; Nigeria, 6 issues N3000. To subscribe to LADIES UNHITCHED magazine or to receive our free monthly e-newsletter, log on to ladiesunhitched.com
and Advertising team at advert@ladiesunhitched.com
Article Reprints: email editor@ladiesunhitched.com Article proposals and unsolicited articles can be emailed to editor@ladiesunhitched.com or mailed to Editor, Ladies Unhitched magazine, Triniti House, PO Box 795 Dagenham Essex RM9 9AJ. Ladies Unhitched Magazine cannot process manuscripts or art material and we assume no responsibility for their return. (c) 2009 Ladies Unhitched. All rights reserved. Material may not be reproduced in whole or in part in any form without prior written permission. Printed in the UK.
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Contents 6
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but he said he loved me
10
the lady and her career
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the lady and her health
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Contents
love or deception?
24
the lady travels
28
5 mistakes single ladies make
34
the lady in the mirror
42
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Contents 8
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journey down the aisle
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the lady and her wardrobe
54
behind the scene
56
recommended for the lady
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w e l c o m e
T
This is the launch issue of a new movement (or if you like, a magazine) for single ladies and those that love them. I am excited and count myself privileged to be a part of it. Ladies Unhitched is not just a magazine; it’s one that challenges you to raise the bar for your personal standards and values as a lady. Every issue will encourage and inspire you to make a change and hopefully move you closer to the life you so desire. It will offer entertainment, inspiration, motivation, advice and counselling.
Everyone desires to be loved. It seems to be a fact that compared to men, women have this desire more. Few months ago, we carried out an online survey, and some of the results suggested that 9 in 10 single ladies between the ages of 15 and 40 desire to be married someday. The issue of relationships is very sensitive and of great value to ladies. More often than not, a female is more geared to give her heart and love freely as soon as a man communicates a sign of commitment to her (either vaguely or clearly) so she may be too quick to give. We are committed to providing a platform where you can find useful information and resources that will support and inspire you to start or make your relationship purpose-driven. Don’t miss out on any of the issues - there are six issues in a year. I recommend that you visit our website, subscribe for the magazine and take advantage of our launch offer. Pay for 5 issues and get 1 issue free with delivery to your door step. Enjoy your read and don’t forget to spread the word! Wole Sosanya - Publisher
H
Hey ladies! I’m so excited to officially introduce you to the very first edition of Ladies Unhitched magazine.
Are you rolling your eyes, thinking, “Oh no, not another ladies’ magazine!” ? If I were you, I would keep my eyes peeled, ready to devour this highly compelling page-turner. There are many magazines out there that promise to cater to ladies. But how many of them have celebrated you – your life, love and journey in womanhood? How many have made a positive impact on your life, empowered you in your decision-making, encouraged you to stand up for what is right, or helped you embrace your moral values and virtues that make you a truly sought-after lady? No, not many. This is why Ladies Unhitched magazine is here to support you on your journey to and in womanhood. It is distributed in 3 continents – Africa, Europe and North America. For about a year now, we at Ladies Unhitched have been working tirelessly to bring you pages of gripping, high quality columns dealing with topics such as: dating tips and advice, business ideas and motivation, wedding prep tips & real life love stories of soon-to-weds and newly-weds from Africa, Europe and North America, fashion tips by our trusted fashionistas, health advice, travel destinations ideas, godly relationship books reviews and many more! Ladies, we also get the opportunity to peep into the mind of men in the “How He Sees You” column written exclusively by men. In this issue, there are also many free prizes to be won, and you don’t want to miss out on those!
The team would really love to hear from you after you’ve read the magazine, so don’t forget to email us at info@ladiesunhitched.com. You can also email me directly at editor@ladiesunhitched.com. Don’t forget to look out for our stands at major events around you. Till the next issue, Kemi Ogunniyi - Editor
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She
looks straight into my eyes with tears rolling down her cheeks and said in a low, shaky voice, “l don’t understand him anymore. I thought he loved me but his recent behaviour says otherwise. All that matters to him is sex, sex, and more sex! Is that all love is about? I just discovered that he is seeing another girl. Tell me, is it possible to love two ladies at the same time? What is he playing at?” Rachel has so many questions, and this is causing her to retrace her steps. She started a relationship with Andrew three months after they met. That was twelve months ago. After almost fifteen minutes of lamentations and endless exasperation, Rachel still can not escape her state of shock. I try to calm her down so she can listen to what l have to say. As I ask her simple questions about her relationship,
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I discover that the pointers were there for her but she was blinded to them - the little details; those little print of love and relationships! All she wanted was acceptance and approval. Rachel like many ladies made a fundamental mistake earlier in the relationship. She started sleeping with Andrew four weeks after the relationship started. In her words: “l thought it was the best way for me to show that l loved him; I wanted him to be fully committed to me, just me. I was happy to do it because he was a very nice guy. He bought me many gifts and complimented me”. Ladies, when you do what Rachel did, you lose him and some of your precious values. As a man, let me mention some things you need to know about men. Generally speaking, a huge number of men are not emotional beings. A guy can buy you a gift without his heart – without being emotionally attached to you. What you really need is not the gifts
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but the man’s heart – his heart is the gift! His heart is worth more than many gifts combined. When a man really wants something, he will go the extra mile to get it. Therefore, to get your attention, he will try all he can to satisfy your needs. He could give you gifts, attention and all the nice words you want to hear in return for what he wants from you to meet his own sexual needs. I have not done any major research, but from my extensive conversation with men out there, I can safely suggest that at least 3 out of 5 guys would ask their girlfriends for sex within three months of starting a relationship (without any plans of a long term commitment), irrespective of their background, religious values, educational or financial status.
“All she
wanted was acceptance and approval.
”
with the people that appreciate and place value on your life. If he puts you down, talks down at you all the time or does not believe in your dreams and potential, then think again! What other signs or pointers do you need to confirm that you are with the wrong guy? If he is already hitting and abusing you now in your dating/courtship period, then he doesn’t know the meaning of love, let alone love you. If he has pushed you against your moral and religious values and you still say he loves you, think again…and again…! I believe most emotional heartbreaks could have been prevented if people were sincere with themselves and not clouded by emotions. When you put your emotions ahead of you, you are more likely to make wrong and costly decisions that could yield you many years of unhappiness.
“What you
At this point, l know the question in your heart is: “How do l know if he loves me for real?” But first, let me ask you, do you know the true meaning of love?
really need is not the gifts but the man’s heart – his heart is the gift!
Imagine what you’re like when you genuinely love and care for someone. You want the best for that person. You’re willing to sacrifice and go the extra mile just to make that person happy. You do all this without looking for what you can gain or get back in return. It is a selfless act. You are just happy to help. You want to see the best of that person. Love is: patient, kind, not rude, not proud, not envious, not boastful, not easily angered, protecting, trusting, hoping and persevering. Love keeps no record of wrongs and does not delight in evil.1
”
Another question you need to think about is, “Does he love himself?” If he doesn’t love himself, how can he show you love? You cannot give what you do not have. Maybe you need to pause and ask yourself the same question: “Do I love myself?” Many people today do not (know how to) love themselves. You are at danger of constant deception if you are unable to value, appreciate and be secure in yourself. When you are secure in yourself, you will not need to constantly look for words or comments externally to reaffirm your selfworth and value. Love is a great thing. It has made the world a happy place to be. When we experience a genuine and sincere love, the impact lasts long and it breeds cherished memories. Love makes a significant and positive difference in our lives.
So that’s it. LOVE IS GIVING. IT’S SACRIFICE. Now back to Mr Handsome. Do any of the above descriptions fit his action towards you? If not, it’s obvious, he does not love you. You can quote me! For how long are you going to live in denial and deception? Life is precious and should be shared
I challenge you today to seek genuine love. Don’t be blindfolded by your search for acceptance and approval.
at danger of constant deception if you are unable to value, appreciate and be secure in yourself.
”
1 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 (The Holy Bible,
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Tracey Williams, a fellow single lady tells the story of her journey of the discovery of her career pathwhere she started from, where she is, and where she is heading. I share myself with you to impress upon you that whatever you want to achieve you need to see it, feel it, write it down, believe you can have it and live inside that belief. I have learnt that by having a vision, believing you can achieve it, having laser focus and sticking to your purpose, you can get what you want.
My Childhood
My family were pillars of strength and stability. My values, identity and role models were positive and have helped me to be the person I am today. Although I grew up in a happy and free neighbourhood where children played, it became plighted by drugs, prostitutes, regular police raids and the knowledge of gun possession and violence. People I knew (my age mates, my friends) where being stabbed and shot. Girls were falling pregnant, had no goals, focus or ambition – all this became my daily experience growing up. I give thanks, to the glory of God, for a strong mother with a traditional West Indian upbringing in Jamaica who was able to say no, worked hard to raise me, showed me right from wrong and taught me respect and a family unit that loved and cherished me. As a result I never became a victim. My father was also present in my early childhood. He used to call me his ‘Princess’. There were a few key things I remembered such as him reading and playing with me and teaching me general knowledge, then testing my knowledge. This was around the ages of 3 - 6. I did see a loving relationship between him and my mother; however I also saw the arguments at times. When he left, my relationship with him also ended. My mother never said a bad word against him, therefore the lack of a relationship that I have today is down to him not making an effort to remain in contact.
Discovering my path
I have a real curiosity with people; how they behave as individuals - this led me to study A-Level Psychology, Sociology and English Literature at college, and then
Psychology at University.
My Journey into Employment
Obtaining my first Saturday job at 16 years old was a breakthrough experience whereby my determination, focus and drive made me realise that I could go for what I want and get it. My mother came with me to distribute my CVs to all appealing shops along Oxford Street and Wood Green in London. It was so tiring! However, I never stopped until all of my CVs were gone! I then said ‘I’m going to let my fingers do the walking’ and picked up the Yellow Pages and called lots of clothes shops until ‘Bingo!’ I got through to David French Cocktail Designs in Finsbury Park, North London. I spoke to a friendly man, who hired me over the phone! I started that Saturday from 10am 4pm with my lunch paid for and £20 every Saturday. I was 16 with my first summer job. I realised that if you have a good attitude, never give up and sheer focus you could get what you want. I was determined to get a job and I did!
Stretching Myself
Since that job I did a Christmas Temp job in NEXT and then became a supervisor in Burger king. Knowing that I wanted more, I went to work for Sainsbury’s in Camden as a cashier whilst studying Psychology at University. I couldn’t keep still! I wanted to learn and be shown everything. After a number of months, I became a supervisor and then saw an opportunity to become a Manager. I did the assessment, passed with 100% and was offered a part-time Manager role at aged 20, which I accepted.
The Beginning
I stopped studying Psychology and begun to study Personnel and HR related courses until at 21, I enrolled onto a Professional Postgraduate Diploma in Human Resources Management at a different University. I then applied for a job as an Assistant Personnel and Training Manager in another store and got it! As time went by, I wanted progression and was told that if I did a secondment I could go for the assessment for a Senior Management role in Personnel. I then March|April 2010
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Cervical screening - Plain facts By Dr Oge Ilozue Smear tests (Pap tests) are one of those necessary duties of womanhood. I can think of many, many more enjoyable things to do, but like periods, mammograms and labour, we have to place getting a smear test in our itinerary at some point. It is an essential part of looking after our general health. So what exactly does a smear test involve and when should you get one done? A smear test takes some cells from your cervix, which is the neck of your uterus (womb). Cervical cancer is one of the most common cancers affecting women and like all cancers, it can be treated fully if caught early. The great thing about smear tests is that it can detect early pre-cancerous changes in the cells, which can be treated, so preventing cancer from developing. A nurse or doctor (usually female) will perform the test - which should not take longer than a few minutes. You will have to undress from waist down, lie on a couch, bring your ankles together then let your legs flop back (frog-like position not very lady-like but everyone looks the same). Then the nurse/doctor inserts a metal or plastic speculum into your vagina to gently stretch it open. The cervix is seen and a small brush is used to collect a few cells. Then speculum out and the test is over. The results take a few weeks to come back. 9 out of 10 smear tests are normal and the next time you should take another test depends on where you live.
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Every country recognises the importance of smear tests as an effective method of reducing the rates of cervical cancer and the test is widely available worldwide – talk to your family doctor about where to get one done. In the UK there is a national screening programme for 25-64 year-old women and the recommendation is every 3 years if your smear tests are normal. In the US, women under 30 have one every year and 30-65 yr olds can increase gap if repeated smears are normal. A common question asked is: do you need to have a smear test if you are not sexually active? Cervical cancer is caused by a virus called HPV (human papillomavirus). This virus is usually transmitted via sexual contact and there are many types of the virus though not all types cause cervical cancer. The official recommendation is that all women should be having regular smears, but you are at much less risk if you have not been sexually active. But get the smear test done when you are. An exciting new development is the availability of a vaccine against HPV. The vaccine is an important new tool in the fight against the disease. This vaccine is available in the UK via a nationwide immunisation programme which started with 11 to 12 year-old girls and will be rolled out to 13 to 18 year-old girls. In the US it is recommended for 11-26 year olds. Again ask your family doctor about this, even if you live outside the UK or US.
FACT •
If you are or have been sexually active, you should be getting a smear test every 1-3 yrs and will be sent reminders in the UK if you are between 2564 years old.
•
The smear test can prevent cervical cancer and save lives.
•
Vaccination again HPV which causes cervical cancer is now available – ask your doctor about this whatever age you are.
For more information visit: www.patient.co.uk/health/Cervical-Screening-test.htm www.patient.co.uk/health/hpv-immunisation.htm www.cancerscreening.nhs.uk/cervical www.womenshealth.gov/faq/pap-test.cfm www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/StDfact-hpv-vaccine-young-women.htm If you have any health concerns or questions you would like to ask Dr Oge, then email info@ladiesunhitched.com
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Michelle McKinney Hammond is the best selling author of over 35 books including Secrets of An Irresistible Woman, How to Avoid the Ten Mistakes Single Women Make, and How to Be Found By the Man You’ve Been Looking For. As well as a co-host of the Emmy-nominated TV show Aspiring Women, she is also the founder and president of HeartWing Ministries. She sings and has done various voice-overs for many television commercials. In this issue, Michelle gives her perspective on our theme, “Love or Deception”?
LU: How would you define the
for giving and giving and giving
best that you can be for the
word ‘love’?
again. Just because… in spite
benefit of the other person. If we
of… this totally flies in the face of
look at the model of Jesus Christ
MICHELLE: First of all, love is not an
the world who thinks its all about
who was the Ultimate Lover, we
emotion. It is a decision that one
what you get from love. But love
see a life of unconditional service
makes to give their everything to
in its pure form is more about what
and eventually total sacrifice for
the object of their affection. What
you have the opportunity to give
His Beloved, us, the Church and
is then left is remaining committed
and serve than anything else.
soon to be Bride. Love does not
to the commitment you have
keep accounts of what is owed or
made in spite of how you are
LU: How can a single lady know/
wrongs - it continues to champion
feeling or the actions of the
tell that she is in love?
the Beloved to be their best selves.
beloved. It is patient, kind, always
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When you get to the place where
thinks and hopes the best… you
MICHELLE: When you are in love
it is more about the other person
know the First Corinthians list, but
you are more consumed with
than it is about you - where you
above all I always think of John
what you can give to the person
are consumed with seeking their
3:16 ,“For God so loved the world
than what you are getting. Love
best welfare- now that is love! May
that HE GAVE…” It is the impetus
also makes you want to be the
I add the caveat that this does
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not mean that you compromise
responsibility of presenting you
yourself beneath God’s standards
pure before God. Men pursue
for how you live in light of His Word
what they really want and protect
LU: If the lady suspects or finds out
by any means. Part of loving in
what is precious to them. A man
her boyfriend or fiancé is cheating
a healthy manner is being your
wants to provide for his woman. A
on her, what should she do?
best self for the sake of the other
boy does not. There is a difference
(Should she forgive and stay with
person as well.
in what a boy will take advantage
him- after all, he’s only human?)
love!
of versus what a man will allow. LU: How can a single lady tell that
Everything within the spirit of a
MICHELLE: If you find out that
a man truly loves her?
man refuses to abdicate his post
your man is cheating on you
as provider and protector. He is
before you are married to him
MICHELLE: When a man is living up
in tune with how he is wired by
you should thank him for showing
to his God appointed role in your
God. Above and beyond that if
you his character before you got
life he loves you. That means he
all his friends and his family know
married
pursues you, he seeks to protect
who you are and it is clear that he
and provide for you. He covers
has named you as his lady and a
your spirit as well. He takes the
priority in his life then he is truly in March|April 2010
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“ First Of All, Love Is Not An Emotion.” to him. It is less expensive to get rid of him sooner than later. “After all he is only human” is a bad excuse for not insisting that your man possess integrity and godly character. The true question is how desperate are you to have a man in your life? Love should cost you everything and no one should be able to get you for a bargain. LU: What is the best way for a lady to tell that a man is lying? MICHELLE: If your man says one thing and does another guess what? He is lying! If he says I he’ll call and then doesn’t, he is lying. This is why it is important not to rush romance. Patience is the tool that uncovers deceit. If he can’t look you in the eye when he’s answering you, he is not a solid person. Even worse if he can look you in the eye and lie to you the man is a downright player. The best way to know if a man or anyone else is lying to you is to listen to the spirit of God. The Holy Spirit is great at pointing out a liar. Over time their character will be exposed, so look and listen. Be willing to listen to what others say about that man too. Many times we don’t want to hear the truth because we’re excited to be in a relationship; but the wrong man at any time is just wrong, period. LU: What are the indicators of a failing relationship? MICHELLE: Lack of communication, peace or joy. A relationship that is healthy has both parties thriving
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and excited about life and one another. If the relationship is causing you to become someone other than who you really are, then this marks the beginning of the end. Other bad indicators: if you find yourself compromising your spiritual and personal standards. Doing things that drain you rather than feed you. Avoiding family, friends and the things you love. Stop! Re-examine why you are in this relationship. Take stock of what is most important to you and be willing to end it to recover your true self and the life you truly want. LU: How about a situation where the lady knows the relationship is failing, but still sticks to it because she dreads starting another one? MICHELLE: Let’s take one step at a time. Don’t even think about another relationship until you are out of the one you are in and have taken the time to heal properly. People are not band aids that you just slap over the wound of the past relationship. There should be a time of reflection
don’t rewind the movie of the last relationship and own your part in its demise. If both people were in the relationship both people did something wrong. Sometimes it’s not what you said or did, it might be what you didn’t say or do. Perhaps the right boundaries and standards were not shared or established. Perhaps the wrong unspoken expectations were disappointed. Only you know and have more power to make your relationships what you want them to be than you realize. So don’t settle! Let go and anticipate someone that is a better fit for you coming around the bend. You won’t meet Mr. Right though if you hold on to Mr. Wrong. LU: Is it possible to love two people at the same time? MICHELLE: No you cannot. You will love one and despise the other. That holds true from everything to God and money to two men. Comparison can get us in a lot of trouble. Loving two men completely goes against the concept of giving all you
“ When you get to the place where it is more about the other person than it is about you where you are consumed with seeking their best welfare- now that is love! ” on what happened the last time -why you let it happen and what you needed that led you down the wrong path in the first place. Too many times we just move on to a new relationship without resolving the last one and learning from our past mistakes. You are destined to view a re-run if you
have and all you are to the one you love. If you’re giving your all you won’t have anything left for the other person. This is why God says He will not share His glory with another. He will not allow you to call on His name and worship other idols. Even God asks for our undivided attention. One God.
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One man. That’s enough to work on loving. LU: How come ladies are mostly the ones at the receiving end of heartache? MICHELLE: That is not a true statement. Men get hurt just as much if not more than women and don’t recover as well. But maybe women set themselves up for heartache more than men
“ If you find out that your man is cheating on you before you are married to him you should thank him for showing you his character before you got married to him.” do. They pursue men who are not pursuing them. They give too much too soon. And they behave as if they are a wife before they really are a wife. All in all the set up for disappointment and heartache come when one has expectations that the other person does not know about. Intentions are not clearly communicated and expectations are shattered. Women need to use their heads and not allow their hearts to send them careening down the path to heartbreak. Wise up. Take it slow. Check that man out and see if he even qualifies for consideration. Your heart, your love, and your body are the most valuable things you possess; therefore you need to guard them with diligence until the person has shown themselves to be trusted with your jewels.
LU: What advice would you give to a lady who has just ended a long-term relationship, and is heart-broken? MICHELLE: Give your heart to God, allow Him to mend it. Take the time to reflect and own the lessons you need to learn before moving on. Don’t grow bitter, grow better. Allow your disappointments to season you and make you wiser and more gracious. Never conclude that men are dogs, they are not. Remember that no one does anything to us that we haven’t allowed. Sometimes the truth hurts but it will always equip you to free yourself with what it reveals. So take the time to listen to your pain and let it teach you about yourself- the things you need to surrender and embrace. Always remember that God loves you and there is hope for your heart and your life. The greatest truth of all is that the heart is a resilient organ and you will love again. I would highly recommend that you read my books Release the Pain, Embrace the Joy and The Real Deal on Overcoming Heartache.
“ Don’t even think about another relationship until you are out of the one you are in and have taken the time to heal properly.”
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B
efore I begin, let me confess that we as men have not lived up to who we are supposed to be. Where we should have given, we took; where we should have loved, we lusted and where we should have preserved, we devoured. As a Man, I must call myself to higher standards. Before I touch you, I must respect you like my mother, protect you like my sister and look out for your best interest like my baby – after all, that’s what I call you when I want you! We’ve failed to realize that the significance of our masculinity does not lie in how many girls we can dis-virgin but rather the honour we can bestow upon one. We fail to understand that the purpose of our strength and dominance is to defend and protect, not to attack and destroy. But the first mistake was not yours. You were born into a world that didn’t even give you the chance - the chance to be who you really are without any pressure or expectation. From day one you were unconsciously groomed from childhood to be an acceptable accessory to a man’s life. You were constantly made conscious of a false milestone that suggested your value was based upon a man finding you worthy to be his, instead of being made aware of who you are by virtue of your own unique existence. Your worth as a woman was reduced to two things: being a wife and your ability to bear a child – and in
some cultures, you had to bear the right type of child. And if per chance you failed in one of these areas, you were nobody, no one – you were nothing. Unfortunately, along the way, you may have made some mistakes in trying to fulfil this false notion of who you are supposed to be.
That being said, I do not believe we are responsible for the things that are done or said to us, but I do know that we are responsible for allowing those things continue in us. It’s in this light that I share with you the five common mistakes women make in relationships.
1.
Bad relationship after bad relationship continually emphasized the lie that you were nothing without a man. Not only do you sit there as one with mental wounds from childhood, but also with hurts and wounds that are self inflicted as
Your Personal Standards! Don’t leave home without them!
you sincerely tried to fulfil the so called destiny of the woman – being someone’s woman.
speak of your personal standards irrespective of the relationship.
As I share this with you, I do not come as one who claims to understand your plight, but rather I stand as one who has heard you. From my mother to my aunts to my cousins and my friends, I have heard you and will continue to listen whenever you speak.
By not setting your standard, you’ve just set the standard. The standards I speak of are not standards for the relationship; I
What is your life’s moral compass? This could get a bit confusing, so let me explain. Often times, at a certain point in life, people turn to religion for some sort of moral guidance or law. It’s an acknowledgment of some sort that they have made
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numerous personal mistakes and are in probable search for a turn around. So you might have a young lady who’s been around the block and has now become a Christian, and professes that she will be celibate until she gets married thereby claiming this new belief to be her standard. This is a religious belief that she has now adopted and not a personal standard. Your personal standards are born and realized from within you and become your principles rather than a law. A principle is born out of understanding; an understanding of who you are and why you are here on this earth. If you are roaming the earth like a lost sheep in search of a man to give you relevance, you will always find yourself jumping from relationship to relationship with each one leaving you even more confused than you were in the beginning. But when you understand that you are not here by chance and your presence on this earth has significant relevance, the aura about you changes and the people and things you accept into your life will only be a reflection of your internal essence or your personal standard.
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or actions of men. She doesn’t go on a date with every man that asks her out because she doesn’t need a man – she would want a man but she fully well understands that her worth is solely appraised on who she is and not who she’s with. She would not change her principle to have or keep a man. She’s doesn’t need to sleep with a man to have or keep him. She understands that whatever she can’t get by way of her principles will never be her own. That you are sleeping with a guy does not mean he’s yours. If you had to sleep with him to keep him, he was never yours in the first place. In the absence of your personal standards, you end up trying many things and many people, but you never experience the love that is already within you. Allow that love within to write your standards and begin to live from them. That love will never lead you astray, never ever!
2. Why are you making excuses for him…..again?
A man can cause you to go against a belief because it was never yours in the first place, but he can never sway you away from your principle because you are one with your principle. A lady who lives from her principles takes personal responsibility for her own actions and responses.
I have come to observe that ladies often see the man as the prize. So once it looks like they have him – especially if he appears to be a good one – they want to do everything in their power to keep him. I understand that, but I don’t accept that and neither should you. You are the Prize. We should fight over you and want to do things to get and keep you.
She takes charge and never leaves her fate to the opinions
We should want to make sure you are ok. A man who loves and
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respects a woman will never want her in doubt when it comes to her knowing of his feelings towards her. When we are crazy about a woman, we are no longer the reserved and non-emotional creatures you think we are. We become a mess drooling internally when we think of you. We would never want you to feel you are on shaky ground concerning your status with us. We will publicly profess and show you to the whole world. We will put up a picture with you in it as our profile picture on Facebook, tag you in all photos you appear in and most importantly make sure that our status box shows that we are in a relationship with you. Yup, that’s what we do when we love you - we say it out LOUD! And when we are out and about with you, our professions are usually crystal clear: ‘Meet my girlfriend,
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Sandra’ or ‘Meet my fiancé, Sandra.’ Not, ‘Meet Sandra’. Who is Sandra??? When we love you, we want the world to know that we love you. But I get amazed when ladies see the writing on the wall and continually make excuses to justify a man’s blatant abuse towards them. What do I mean? Take for instance the introductions highlighted above: He introduces you as just ‘Sandra’, you know you don’t like it, but you make an excuse within yourself and say, ‘he’s a private kinda guy, he doesn’t like to publicly show stuff.’ Really? Ok, let me ask, “Are you enrolled in midnight gymnastics with him?” In other words has he bent your body in ways you didn’t think possible? Well, there is only one thing worse than a guy sleeping with a woman in secret; and that is, a woman allowing that to happen.
Before you allow a man do to you privately what can affect
you publicly, he must first of all acknowledge you publicly as the woman he respects and loves. If he can’t do that, you need to tell me why you are still sticking around. How can you allow a man to knock you up when you are just ‘Sandra’ to him? You know you deserve better, so stop the excuses. Instead of making excuses for him, take charge – not of him or the relationship, but of yourself. Never remain in an environment where your integrity is compromised. Remember, you are the prize and we should work hard to get and keep you. And after all our hard work, you still have a right to say NO.
3. Why are you looking
for ‘something’ in a bag of ‘nothings’? A few years ago, a friend who was engaged was getting ready for her wedding which was just a couple of months away at the time. She called me occasionally during the preparation process, but on this one phone call, things were pretty bad. She was mad, upset, disappointed and unhappy that she was marrying this guy. So I asked her why she was still going on with the wedding if she felt the marriage wouldn’t work out. She said to me that she did not want the last four years of her life spent with him to go to waste. Hmmm! When she said this, I looked at my phone because I couldn’t look at her (she was in a
have flown to her city to give her a knock on her head - not a hard one, just a gentle knock - to help tilt her brain back to the centre of her skull, because obviously it seemed out of balance with what she had just said to me. Let’s think about this, You are willing to screw up the next 50 years of your life, create babies in a hostile environment with a man you despise thereby screwing up the next generation, raising kids that would need therapy for the rest of their lives based on the abuse they will experience in that home, all because you don’t want the last four years of your life - 1,2,3,4 - to mean nothing (I’m having a headache just rehashing this story). So you are trying to create a love marriage from a four year crappy relationship. Needless to say, this lady was a young beautiful 28yr old lawyer. With good life habits she could easily live another healthy 50 years (Have you seen Barbara Walters lately? She’s 80). And here you are, willing to mortgage your future on four years with this jerk? She was desperately trying to make something out of nothing. That you’ve been in a long term relationship does not mean you should continually stay in it. Unfortunately for some ladies, it takes a while to see the light and muster up courage to get out of a bad situation. But when you see the light, RUN, GO, your life deserves it. If you don’t make that change,
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In The Beginning... We met at our church in Bromley, back in summer 2004. I always thought I’d want to marry a drummer for some reason so as soon as I laid my eyes on John, I knew he was going to be my husband. There was something gentle but manly about him which I loved. Unfortunately, he was dating another girl at the time so I could only dream until their relationship ended a few months later. Then in December of that same year, we all went to church on Christmas day: when John came over to chat to me, there was such an intense spark and I knew I wanted to be with him! So on I plucked Boxing Day, up the
courage to ask him out for a coffee – even though, on Boxing Day, I should have known there wouldn’t be any coffee shops open. When I look back now, I cringe! So John reversed the question and asked me on a date for the following Tuesday where we met in Brixton, shared a Nando’s and watched a movie at the Ritzy! And it all began from there… We went through a stage where our relationship had come out of the ‘honeymoon’ phase and went through a rocky patch.
But all the while, we both had our future in our minds. And 90% of the time, our future included us together as a couple for the rest of our lives. But we were both still quite immature and stubborn, not really understanding that love is really about preferring the other person and not really about the fairytale side of things. I am really glad we found that out before we got married and I’m am so glad, John realized this and reminded me of that daily. Before this realization, there was a lot of hurt and anger but God really worked through this and completely changed us and our views. In the lead up to our engagement, John was closely discipled by our pastor, Jonathan a n d
another guy, Colin from church who said things as they were. We had a number of meals with Colin where his honesty made me cry because I didn’t want to hear it! Our support from our best friends, Toby & Leah was invaluable, their advice being so down to earth and honest. Isn’t that what every couple wants? So three years after our first date, after great improvement on both our parts, we decided that we were ready and mature enough to get married.
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hristie’s eyes are normally big, with clarity of expression. They are normally complimented by her perfectly sculptured nose, that
faultless piece of cartilage that precedes her full, thick lips. When she smiled, her perfect set of healthy, white teeth were revealed. Her coffee skin tone was as smooth as silk. She turned heads, literally. But on this particular day her head was turning. A thick cloud of confusion hung above her head as she drove through her little street in East London. Emotions of love mixed with hate surged through her entire being. For the third time in four weeks, one of her eyes was shut and swollen. The other was badly bruised. Her long, wavy hair looked unkempt, and almost as if she had just survived an electric shock from a badly-performed
b e h i n d t h e
physics experiment. As she changed gear, she felt a sharp pain in her left arm, and had a quick look at her aching, bruised hands. Just a month before, Andrew had held those hands at their favourite restaurant and told her she was the best thing that ever happened to him. She had looked straight in his eyes so she could say the same. But instead, she choked on her words as she tried to locate Andrew’s focal point. He wasn’t looking at her face when he said those words. “Andrew!”, she demanded as she pinched his left hand. But he was too preoccupied with the estimation of the length and breadth of Kelly’s full frame. “Hey Kelly”, Andrew beckoned, slightly ignoring Christie’s nag – yes, he called it nagging; Christie’s frequent indirect requests for his attention.
s c e n e s p a r t
“Oh hi!”, Kelly squealed in delight. “Haven’t seen you both in ages. Hey Christie”. Christie smiled wryly. Not that she resented Kelly. In fact, she had known her since
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their school days. She wouldn’t call her friend, but they
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both grew up in the same neighbourhood and attended the same local church in their early teen years. The problem was that Kelly was notorious for her flirtatious persona. So, Christie sensed a problem when Andrew could not take his eyes off her. “Hey Kelly, we were just leaving- it’s his mum’s birthday tonight”, Christie said, patronisingly patting Andrew’s head as she got up from her seat. Almost immediately she tucked one of his arms in her right arm, and that forced him to stand up too. Christie loved doing that publicly, much to Andrew’s silent fury. She knew (or thought) that portraying him as her ‘little darling’ should reinforce the genuineness of their relationship – the hussies would back off because they cannot, in a million years, attain the same level of familiarity with him; the kind that makes her act that way towards him. Acting that way made Andrew truly hers; hers and hers alone. It bought her some sense of security, a much needed one. As embarrassed as Andrew was that she had to pull up this same old act, he knew all too well that Christie did not want Kelly on their table, so he didn’t resist the obvious signal to leave. Besides, it would have been so awkward for him to sit close to Kelly when Christie was there. Christie was the one that would always be there in his life, but Kelly wasn’t. So he had to bite a piece of Kelly before she left the city for good. At least that was what he had told his friends the week before.
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