Process(es)(ing)(ed) Life by Ladybug_PNW

Process(es) Process(ing) Process(ed)

Life

Process(es) Process(ing) Process(ed)

Life

Author + Illustrator + Designer : Samantha Leuthy

© 2022 Samantha J. Leuthy All rights reserved No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, translated, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (ex. Electronic, mechanical, photocopying, microfilming, recording or otherwise without the prior written permission of the author, unless strictly used for personal purposes that are non commercial. Please do not redistribute copies, sell or re-brand any of the tools you see in this work. The author has checked with sources believed to be reliable in their efforts to provide information that is both complete and reliable; however readers are encouraged to confirm the information contained in this book with other sources. This book in no way claims to be a medical manual or book that should be used to diagnose or treat any kind of mental illness.

T h i s b o o k is for myself a n d for oth ers who want help and to h e l p t h emselves.

Table of Contents Introduction The Self and Emotions The Importance of Emotions Distress Tolerance Emotional Regulation Interpersonal Effectiveness Mindfulness Self Care & Compassion Exercises The Ice Cube Stretching with Compassion 5 Sense Grounding Affectionate Breathing Discovering Core Values Tools To Do List Grocery List Daily Planner Weekly Planner Monthly Calender Scratch board Weekly Task & Sleep Tracker Emotional Color Key Daily Drawing Challenge Personal Account Community Advice Final Words Resources for Readers Bibliography About the Author

Introduction: There are a number of ways a reader might choose to approach this workbook & journaling guide. A few suggestions might be to work either destructively, writing in the book in the spaces provided, or alternatively you can write in a fresh journal of and construct your thoughts and creative expression in an external space rather than in this workbook. A third option may be to place this book on a scanner and copy pages so you can go through exercises multiple times. This workbook is yours and meant to be used in whatever way is most therapeutic for you. Name it, make it your own, color it, paint in it, tear it up, and or burn it! One important thing that this workbook will ask of the reader is this; treat yourself with compassion while you are exploring and working on this journal. If something works for you, steal it with both hands. If an activity does not work for you, try it again later, then lay it aside and know that it’s okay. Don’t dwell on the things that don’t work and focus your attention on the things that are working for you, your strengths, and what empowers you. Another point to mention is that there are many different ways to achieve a well rounded life, this book in no way tries to list them all, it simply aims to help you in your pursuit of a more fulfilling lifestyle with suggestions for coping skills and selfexploration. The aim of this book is simply to inspire the reader. The goal is to push yourself into a “new year, new you’’ mentality without micromanaging your growth or looking excessively at a calendar or being pushed by societal expectations saying “It’s January first, time to reassess your life!” Does this mean you should abandon things that already work for you? No! Assessing what we do that is working in our lives can be helpful insight into what is already working for us and maybe those strengths translate to improving other areas of your life or even see old patterns and ways of relating in a new light.

1 The Self & Emotions

The Importance of Emotions Since humans have existed, we have utilized emotions for survival. Much of the emotional processing in the brain and fight or flight response occurs in the limbic system, especially the amygdala. Emotions are brief, acute changes in conscious experience and psychology that occur in response to a personally meaningful situation. It is true that emotions are a huge factor as to how we have been successful as a species for thousands of years. Fear is an important emotion and survival mechanism. When we encounter a stressful event, the amygdala ,an area of the brain that contributes to emotional processing, sends a distress signal to the hypothalamus. This area of the brain functions like a command center, communicating with the rest of the body through the nervous system so that the person has the energy to fight, flight or freeze. Whether the thing we perceive as a threat or stressful is physical or psychological, our body has a physical response to the stress. When the eyes, ears and other senses perceive something stressful, a biochemical reaction begins releasing hormones and neurotransmitters that have a cascading effect throughout our bodies. Physiological sensations of stress may be; increased heart rate, skin temperature, and heart rate, sweating, quicker or dysregulated breathing as more oxygen is directed away from the brain to the body. Fear is really serving an important role in keeping us safe, it makes us more alert to our surroundings and mobilizes us. It helps us to make quick decisions, but it’s not holistic information, so it’s not a good time to make well-thought out or complex decisions. When we are able to pause and use a healthy way to cope with a threat, we learn to move through the fear and complete the stress response cycle. Alternatively, when we feel helpless in decreasing the threat of harm, or stress, we can sometimes feel frozen and too overwhelmed or paralyzed to take action. Most humans experience many emotions throughout the day, sometimes multiple at one time. Others feel higher highs and lower lows more often and some feel muted emotions or struggle to label them. A lot of our lives are influenced by our emotional experience, how we relate to ourself, how we decide to spend our time, how interact with people are us. The choices and actions we could take are endless and some people allow their emotions to influence their decision making more than others. Our perceptions, biases, and lenses we view the world through are influenced by the emotions that we experience at any given moment.

While the emotion of fear helps us respond to stress, it is more reactive and being in a stressed state makes it difficult to experience other emotions we label as more positive emotions such as happiness and love. When our nervous system feels regulated, we can slow down and tap into other calmer emotions and are able to use more logic and are able to solve different kinds of problems in more adaptive ways. It can help to look at emotions as a process starting usually with an event in our environment that our senses perceive. The brain collects all the information, everything that you saw and heard when the event occurred. It then appraises that sensory information and deems it as relevant or irrelevant depending on your past experiences, habits, and preferences for how you relate to the people and things in your life. As the brain assesses the information, the emotional response begins, this creates changes in the body’s physiology, behavior and subjective feelings that will then feed back into the appraisal process which will become information for how to collect information in future emotion inducing experiences. Human beings are born with a few innate drives such as hunger, thirst, procreation, and connection that help us to survive. Evolutionarily, being in connection with others allowed us to work together to find water sources more easily, but survival was the focus. In

the present day lives, most of us have our basic needs met much of the time so we are freed up to think about love and belonging, and our self-esteem and improvement. With that, we are able to slow down, connect with ourselves and others and feel more if we can only remember too. Memory is actually an important part of the emotional system of the brain too. Small moments like smelling your favorite meal or accomplishing a long time goal can bring back joy from a memory years later. Emotions are so powerful they impact other things such as attention and decision making. They can also change the

way we r e c a l l m e m o r i e s a n d o u r e m o t i o n a l l y - l a d e n m e m o r i e s c a n i n f l u e n c e perception of new situations. Moods are different from emotions to some degree, moods are affective states that operate in the background of your consciousness. Moods tend to last longer than most emotions. Moods can make some emotions more likely to occur. Emotions themselves are adaptations that evolved to help solve a particular problem in our ancestral past which contributed to survival and the reproductive success that led to you as an individual. In the 1970’s a psychologist named Paul Eckman put forth the idea that around 6 basic human emotions existed and these particular ones were universally experienced by all humans regardless of their native culture. Those emotions on the list which was later expanded included emotions such as happiness, sadness, fear, anger, disgust and surprise. There have been many different theories psychologists have put forth on emotions over the years. In another example a Psychologist named Robert Plutchik came up with an idea to create a wheel of emotions, which looked a lot like the color wheel we know of today. His idea was that the parts of the wheel could be combined to form different or more complex feelings, much like on a color wheel used as reference to mix paints to get different colors, hues and shades. For example some basic emotions such as joy and trust could be combined to create the emotion of love. One specific thing that researchers have found out about emotions, and they tend to agree on, is that emotions are experienced on a gradient rather than very distinctly. In more recent studies it has been suggested that there are at least 27 distinct emotions that are all very interconnected to one another. Emotions are very complex things to try and sort and understand. The layering and mixing of emotions can be very intense, interesting and even captivating.

Distress Tolerance Humans face things everyday that we perceive as stressful, some of us have more or less resources to manage stress. These wide variety of stressors that we experience in life can range from daily annoyances to major lasting events. Our personal tolerance to these situations is considered distress tolerance. Whether the stressor is small or large the ability to tolerate distress can really play a role in how difficult situations get managed. The ability to handle difficult emotions really is an art form in itself, having great distress tolerance also involves being able to get through an emotional situation without making things prolong or worse in the situation. However there are some people who have low distress tolerance and are easily overwhelmed by intense or stressful situations, these people sometimes may resort to unhealthy or destructive habits of coping to deal with these difficult emotions. Learning about and practicing things like distress tolerance is really like if you decide to start practicing small bike rides so you will be in better shape to ride the longer trails on the mountain. The same can be said for things like distress tolerance, it can prepare you to cope with intense emotions in advance, it can help you enjoy a more positive long term outlook in coping with your emotions as well. Practicing in this field can also help with things like regulation of anger and impulsivity as well which in turn has its own benefits and in turn can help some people to reduce the amount of risky behaviors that are used as a way of coping with stress.

Emotional Regulation Emotion regulation can be thought of as the ability to amplify or reduce one’s own emotions as needed through behavioral soothing and/or changing the meaning we give the situation with cognitive restructuring. Think about the way a small child fawns over a toy they see at the mall. They fixate on the toy and cannot seem to pull away. This results in a tantrum when said child is not allowed to bring home the toy. This is a lack of emotional regulation that the child is experiencing. They are then expressing themselves in the way that they know how because either those emotions are much more difficult to regulate due to things like childhood trauma, or biological vulnerability to emotional sensitivity, or even simply because they have not been shown or taught ways in which to manage and deal with difficult emotions that they face. In a broader sense emotional regulation can also be seen as a set of skills that help keep your emotional state of mind happy and functioning. There are ways to get better at emotional regulation, learning to adjust the intensity of our emotions, when they are expressed and how we react to those emotions are all a part of this learning process. Attempts to regulate emotions can occur at the beginning or end of the emotion process. Reappraisal of a situation within the emotion process is a strategy that allows the reevaluation of an event so that a different emotion can result. This is much like “looking at things under a new light” type of mentality. Other strategies for regulating emotion can be things such as expressive suppression which is the deliberate suppression of an outward display of emotions. Your ‘Poker face’ if you will, or physically biting your tongue to stop one emotion from showing on your face. Whether the technique is used in a healthy manner depends entirely on the situation at hand, for example a family dinner party, it may be unhealthy to “bite your tongue” in the grand scheme of things if there is a debate that is occurring that pertains to you. Whereas it may be in your best interest to bite your tongue if you are wrongfully being detained. Exercising this restraint and regulation of emotions is one of the best ways to grow resilience.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Interpersonal Effectiveness refers to skills that help us balance things like priorities vs demands, wants vs shoulds, as well as keep up on relationships (or similar tasks. There are a wide variety of skills that can be learned to help exercise one’s interpersonal effectiveness, things such as patience, listening, conflict resolution, negotiation and even self awareness are part of interpersonal effectiveness. Working on and improving these skills builds a sense of mastery and self respect and can really help in the long run. People who lack these interpersonal effectiveness skills typically have difficulty relating to others, their personalities are often described as rough around the edges. These people may seem to be arrogant, insensitive, distant, unapproachable, impatient, too intense, too quick to get to the agenda, and or are too busy to pay attention to what is really going on. These people may be perceived to be overly direct and sharp or may do things such as devaluing others and dismissing their contributions, they fail to listen and instantly jump in with their own opinions, solutions or conclusions. Lacking these skills or having beginner status does not mean you are out of luck though. Practicing even something as simple as listening to another person can help you to flex your interpersonal effectiveness muscles.

Mindfulness Mindfulness or being in a mindful state of thinking just means to be fully aware of the present moment, the here and now, where you are and what you are doing. Mindfulness should not seem too bizarre to us as humans. We are built with the capacity to be fully present in a given situation or moment, there is no need to learn a whole new skill here. One thing that is often misunderstood about mindfulness meditation is that your mind sho ul d be c om pl etel y undistracted and free of thought when in reality it is a tool used to venture into one’s own mind to explore our emotions and thoughts both past and present. When our minds are in autopilot there seems to be a consistent light up of parts in our brains, however when we are truly in a mindful state of thought new parts of our brains light up in unique and unexpected ways. Using techniques of mindfulness can help you to reduce stress, enhance your daily performance, as well as gain insight and awareness to the things around ourselves. Creating space and time for things like mindfulness or moments of meditation can give us a place where judgment can be suspended and our natural wonder can be displayed. We can look at our mind as having a scale of reactions sometimes on a range from very emotional reaction to very rational. There is also a middle ground which is an ideal state of mind, where emotional reaction and rational reactions are mixed evenly. When trying to achieve this middle ground of mindfulness and wise choice there are a few things to keep in mind.

Let’s start with the helpful things you can bring to the table: No judgment to yourself in this situation. Focusing on what works for you. One thought process at a time, try to slow your thinking.

Some activities to practice, using the above three helpful points, might be: Practicing describing your breath out loud. Observing what’s around you or what you see in the clouds. Responding by becoming present and throwing yourself into the moment or activity you have chosen for example painting a mural or making a scrapbook. For more ideas check out the Exercises section of this book.

Self Care & Compassion What does successful self care look like to you? Take a moment and think about someone you admire. How do you think they succeed at taking care of themselves? They must obviously do the physical routine of taking care of oneself to a standard, but in addition to this lets add in that there are about 6 general dimensions or realms of wellness.

Areas of Self Care: Intellectual: Interactions with others and the world around us, continued learning, processing, stimulating mental practices, and critical thinking are all in the realm of intellectual wellness.Physical: This includes activities for the body, exercise, diet sleep and water, these things are key to well being and having independence. Spiritual: This can include things such as organized religion and or other spiritual practices that recognize a search for meaning, purpose and fulfillment in one’s practices. Social: Encouraging relationships that are healthy and being willing to leave behind those that do not bring you a sense of connection. Environmental: This can be as simple as finding shelter from the rain on a nasty day. Adjusting your environment so that there is security and comfort to it. Emotional: being able to bring attention to thoughts and feelings and finding safe ways to express them in healthy ways. The word compassion means to “suffer with”, so whether you are showing compassion for a dog that is lost or for yourself after a bad break up it should look the same, right? Compassion, this ideally means that you offer kindness and understanding when yourself or others are confronted with failures. When feeling compassion, it means that there is a realization that imperfections and suffering and failure are all part of the same shared human experience we all go through.

2 Exercises

The Ice Cube This exercise is an opportunity to experience resistance in the here and now, as well as what might happen when we apply mindfulness and self compassion to the experience of resistance.** Grab a few ice cubes from the freezer, grasp them in your hand and hold your hand closed around the ice for as long as possible. After a few minutes, pay attention to your thoughts. What ideas or thoughts come to the forefront of your mind? Pay close attention to what you are experiencing moment to moment. Feel the sensation of cold, if pain is pulsing up your arm feel the pulsations move across your arm

Notice your

emotions, things such as fear, see them simply as fear, practicing this is resistance Notice any impulse to action that could be rising in your body. Notice them and let them be. Learning and practicing this is mindfulness. Lastly, let’s add a bit of kindness to the mix. Think of this exercise as just exercise, it will not harm, just help you to strengthen your resistance. Appreciate that your hand alerted you to the sensation of the ice cube, and thank your brain for allowing you to learn and release your ice cube from your hand.

(**This exercise should be done outside or over a water resistant floor, those diagnosed with Raynaud’s disease are advised against doing this exercise.)

Reflect: What did you notice while completing this exercise? What images, words or feelings did you experience while holding the ice cube in your closed fist? For many people, this exercise offers a powerful taste of how resistance can amplify pain. It also illustrates how when we mindfully accept our pain and offer ourselves kindness because it hurts, our suffering may diminish. If you weren’t able to let go of your natural resistance to the cold of the ice cube, however, don’t blame yourself. Your resistance stems from your natural desire to be safe. But also within you lies the ability to feel safe through your own care, support and comfort. You just may need to be a bit patient as you work to temper your automatic reactions.

Stretching with Compassion We often ignore our bodies’ subtle distress signals. Getting into the habit of checking in with ourselves and intentionally giving ourselves what we feel is needed can go a long way toward developing a healthier and more supportive relationship with ourselves. This informal practice can be used whenever you need a stretch break. It can be practiced with eyes open or closed. The main idea is to move compassionately from the inside out, not necessarily in any particular or prescribed ways though below is a suggested guideline for your first time. You can use this practice on your own throughout the day, whether or not your body feels better after stretching is actually less important than the intention to notice where you’re holding tension in your body and responding to that discomfort in a caring manner. ** First, anchor yourself by standing up straight and feel the soles of your feet on the floor. Rock backwards and forwards, even a little side to side. Bend your knees, feeling the changing sensations in the souls of your feet as you rise afterwards to your total height. Anchor your awareness in your feet. Now try scanning your body for other sensations, noticing any areas of ease as well as areas of tension. Respond Compassionately. Now focus for a moment on any places of discomfort. Gradually begin to move your body in a way that feels really good to you, give yourself compassion. For example let yourself gently twist your shoulders, turn from the waist up, raise your hands or arms over your head. whatever feels just right for you now at this moment. Give your body the movement it needs, just allowing your body to guide you. Coming to stillness. Finally come to stillness. Stand again and feel your entire body, noting any changes. Allow yourself to be just as you are at this moment.

** Sometimes bodies disappoint us, or we are not happy with the way they look, feel or

move. If that is so for you, just be with yourself and your heart for a moment. Your body’s unique and it is doing its best.

Reflect: Take a moment to reflect, was this experience for you? Did it feel different to stretch as an intentional caring response to discomfort? Were you able to find a way of moving that gave your body what it needed?

5 Sense Grounding Take a moment to read through then try focusing on what comes through the nearest door with each of your senses and single out what is happening to each of your 5 senses. Hearing - Taking a moment to focus just on your sense of hearing, notice all of the sounds around you. Let the sounds pass you by or come to you. Notice what you are hearing and listen to one sound after another. There is no need to name each sound as you hear them. Sight - Allow your eyes to blink, open them to view with a soft gaze around your environment, take in all of the colors, and lines, shapes and lighting. Note what you are seeing visual impression after visual impression without lingering on any one thing too long. Touch - Close your eyes and notice the sensation of touch. Is your body touching a chair or wall, maybe your feet are flat touching the floor. Smell - Notice the scents that are in the air. Is there food nearbyor maybe the ocean? Taste - Notice your mouth and your tongue, is the gum or a lingering taste of the last meal you ate?

Reflect: Was this an easy process for you? Too easy? Practicing mindfulness regularly has its benefits, there has been research that has shown us that it tends to deactivate the default mode or the autopilot mode that we set up in our lives to help us get through all of the tasks we may need to accomplish on a daily basis. This type of freedom and room that mindfulness brings however also gives us room as humans to make decisions and allows us to decide on how we would like to change or deal with the situation more effectively rather than just following the framework of what we have done before.

Affectionate Breathing Find a position or seating that will be comfortable for you for the duration of this exercise. Make sure that your body feels comfortable and supported. You are welcome to close your eyes when things feel right or read this passage ahead of time and loosely follow to the goal line of finding self compassion for yourself.** Try placing a hand over your heart or stomach, or any soothing spot on yourself. Use this touch as a reminder that we are not just bringing awareness to the situation but affectionate awareness to the breath leaving our bodies and to ourselves. You are welcome to move your hand or keep it in a comfortable or soothing place. Begin to notice your breathing, the rise and fall of your chest. Think about the way the balloon inflates into a spherical shape so too do your lungs inside your chest cavity. Take notice how your body is nourished on an in breath and thus relaxes as you exhale your breath. See if you can count for a number of seconds each inhale and exhale, maybe a 3 or 4 count to steady your breath. Notice the natural or unnatural pattern of your breath. Take a moment to focus your mind on the here and now as your mind eventually wanders to maybe daily tasks that need to get done today. Feel your body moving with the breath much like the waves of the ocean moving in and out along the sand. Slowly release your attention to breathing and let your mind just be. Slowly open your eyes if they are closed and bring your attention to the room or environment you are in. Then take a moment to reflect on your experience.

**Remember do not judge yourself too harshly if your mind does a little

wandering, it is human nature to allow the mind to wander, don’t forget to show

yourself compassion in this moment.

Reflect: Ask yourself how did you feel before this experience? How do you feel now that it has passed? What did you notice about what you felt or experienced?

Discovering Core Values You are welcome to use the space provided for this reflection exercise or create your own journal entry in another notebook. Imagine you are in your senior years of living and you are sitting at the bay window in your home contemplating your life. You feel a sense of overwhelming joy and accomplishment. Things were not always the most easy or worked out the way you thought they would but you stayed true to yourself to the best of your ability. What core values do you predict that you lived by to give this life purpose and meaning? An example might be you were the head of your own private business and you made a fair amount of money while still sticking to your commitment of service to others.

Take some time to write out those core values:

In addition, write down any ways you feel you are not living in accord with your values, including ways life may feel out of balance for you at this moment in time.

There are oftentimes obstacles that prevent us from living in accord with our values. Some may be external conflicts like not enough time or money. If there are any for you write them down.

There may also be internal conflict getting in the way of you living in accord with your core values. Maybe you are afraid you might fail or you doubt your abilities, could this be your inner critic getting in the way?

Consider now could self kindness and compassion aid in helping you live by your core values. Could it help you feel more confident in yourself, maybe even to the point where you might try new actions or risk that failure that you may find daunting? Is there a way you could express these values in a new way that you had not thought of before?

If there are insurmountable obstacles to living in accord with your values can you give yourself compassion for that hardship? That you have not abandoned your values in spite of the conditions? And if this problem is that you are imperfect, as all humans are, can you find self compassion for that too and forgive yourself?

Reflect: What was this exercise like for you? Was there something unexpected that you thought about? Did you struggle with any areas? Do not put too much pressure on yourself if these core values don’t show up in your everyday life as much as you would like them to. Remember that we are only human and that in itself can get a bit messy.

3 Tools

In this section: The tools in this section are for your personal use. You are welcome to copy and use them for your own journey. Tools Included in this section are: To Do List Grocery List Scratch board for fidget work with instructions on how to make your own. Habit and Sleep Tracker Full Spread Monthly Calender Weekly Calender Daily Task and Goal Planner Color Code or Key Color your mood each day for a week

Keep yourself going, but don’t overwhelm yourself. List all the things you need to do and highlight the top three that are top priority.

To Do:

Goals:

Keep track of what you need for the house or for school lunches. Staying on track of tasks like this and keeping the fridge stocked each week will help you finish the tasks you need to complete much easier.

Grocery List:

Shopping List:

Write the day’s date in the header and break down the goals for the day, write down your plans for lunch, breckfast and dinner and check off when your goals get acomplished. Roll over all the tasks that do not get accomplished this day to a new page for the next day.

If you perfer a weekly overview of all the things you need to get done over the next week, this page may be for you.

The next spread in the book contains a monthly calander you can use to get organized over the course of a month.

If keeping track is your thing here is a little grid to help. A habit tracker for all the tasks you would like to track with a place to check off for each day of the week. Use the header to date the week. In addition there is a log that allows you to record the amount of hours and, or which hours you are asleep v.s. awake and productive, for each day of the week.

The next two pages are used in tandem with one another. The black and white page is used as a key of emotions. The emotions that you feel will be represented by colors of pens or pencils of your choice. On this key it is recomended t o w ri t e th e n ame o f th e emo tio n th e col or re pre se nts and the name of the pen used on the two lines provided in addition to scribbling the color into the box created by the two lines in the key. This key can then be used to inform the green colored page with 7 photo boxes. These photo boxes can be used to create an image inside, using the colors that corrispond with emotions you listed on your key and emotions you are feeling at the time of drawing your image in the photo boxes.

Color Key

Personal Account Realization: A few years ago I was really struggling with my mental health and I got to a point where all the resources and support I had just didn’t feel like enough. I decided to ask for help and with my family and psychiatrist, we decided I would do a temporary stay in an inpatient program to get some more tools. One night during my hospital stay, I lay in my little bed next to a big round window with a view of the city and Puget Sound, and heard loud screams coming from the hallway. I looked out my door into the common area, a big round room that our personal rooms circled around. There, a woman stood, screaming and yelling intangible things. Her room was directly across from mine. No lights were on in her room, but you could still tell there was anger in her voice and other sounds of destruction, which I assumed was her throwing things around her room. My door was open, but my fear kept me to my bed. Her bedroom slammed a few times and by then there were a few staff talking quietly with her trying to calm her down. Things escalated from there though and eventually the woman was put in a white jacket and I heard the staff say she would go to the padded self isolation room. This woman was not alone though… I had felt similar feelings of intense anger, betrayal, and that everyone was out to get me. Prior to this experience, I thought I was the only one who felt that intensely and it didn’t make sense to me, so how could it make sense to the people who had tried to help me. School years: My mother was concerned about my learning progress early on, as a teacher she was keen to see that I was behind other students in some ways, especially socially. Eventually she convinced me to take second grade for a second time and took me to our family doctor to be evaluated for ADHD. From what she told me, the doctor did not think much of it and simply suggested a caffeinated soda to see if the caffeine would calm the mass amounts of energy I was experiencing throughout the day. Looking back now I know female children are much less frequently diagnosed with ADHD and he was older and had little training in mental health, despite being a great physical health doctor. By middle school, my emotions were even more out of control and I didn’t know how to manage my feelings and thoughts. I decided I needed therapy and was assessed for

depression and placed on a SSRI to help with my symptoms. In my teenage years, my emotions were more unpredictable and my resulting behavior was unpleasant for others, just as much as it was for me. My anger got me in some tough spots and compromised a lot of my relationships. I couldn’t open up, because all that came out was anger and negativity so I bottled it up, which is not really fuel for connecting with others. Some people marry their high school sweetheart… I cut ties with almost everyone I knew in high school, most of my friends had either turned their back on me or straight bullied me or manipulated me to get me to do things they wanted. Trusting people became hard. During my sophomore year of high school I met a good friend, we hung out everyday after classes and walked home from the bus stop together on a regular basis. They would often go out of their way to walk with me even though their house was in the opposite direction of mine from the bus stop. Then one night I found a letter that they had posted on Facebook. In the letter they said they would end their life. The next day at school I was taking a test and one of my favorite teachers entered the room to collect me and tell me that the letter was true. This was my first encounter with true loss and death. Trust became even more hard after that point and even little things became very triggering for me. Songs I could no longer listen to and actions I did would bring up memories so strong that people started to notice I was in my own world processing something far off. My anger became ten fold after that loss. After high school and a year of therapy I was encouraged to continue my schooling at Washington State University, in Pullman WA, which was around 200 miles from home. While there, I studied Zoology for two years and then changed my major to Digital Technologies and Culture. I also put in extra hours in the art building on campus to achieve an additional minor in fine arts. The depression went nowhere though like cobwebs and dust it would be back in a few days to weeks… really whenever. After graduation I became basically confined to my room playing video games and going to work when I had work. I felt like I had lost my sparkle. I tried getting help through a local therapist or two and finally was met with one who would go on to diagnose me with bipolar type two disorder. A disorder that has to do with mood swings between highs and lows. For a while things

got better, but there was just no real noticeable difference in my emotional states, I couldn’t even really say things were good, I still hadn’t found my sparkle. When I say that, I truly mean I didn’t want to be here to deal with things, I felt like I was trudging through life and felt more like a waste of space than anything. I hated myself and felt a loss of love for life and the things around me. That’s when I knew I needed to get help, my family took me to an inpatient psychiatric setting for a short stay to get more assessments done formally. I met with a psychiatrist and was assessed, then placed in a room on the hospital’s mental health floor, hours after I had originally walked through the doors. All of my belongings had been checked and all potentially harmful were removed. I said goodbye to my family, but they visited me frequently over the next week that I was there. Recovery: While in the hospital I met with a professional therapist and psychologist every day for them to evaluate my moods, habits and ask about other personal aspects of my life. After a few more days of observation and consultation, they did more evaluations and decided I had been misdiagnosed. Based on what the team witnessed, I was re-diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a trauma-based set of symptoms that you can learn to work on, but in different ways than bipolar type II. I quickly split ways with the therapist that had mis-diagnosed me and found a new support system. I was connected to a provider for medication management and a therapist to work with on a weekly basis. My experience in the hospital supplied me with a lot of tools and resources for dealing with my emotions. My work with my past therapists pushed me to become someone who can find enjoyment in the little things. Living joyfully and my emotional well-being has become a value and priority because of my experiences. My struggles with endless low moods taught me a lot about how I want to live my life. Learning to do the exercises to improve my outlook and help to rewire my neural pathways to search for happiness became a daily task and no longer a chore. I have also come to see that I get to create the narrative and make meaning of what occurs in my life and I choose to look for the silver linings now.

Final Words Y ou m atter, d o w h a t w ork s f or you a n d a l i g n s w i t h y o u r v a l u e s .

A d ve n t u re , In s p ire , C r e a t e .

B e K in d , Hu mb le a n d T h o u g h t f u l .

Community Advice This advice is from the community that responded to the research for this project both from the Cornish community and others outside it. These are some of the questions that were asked and the answers I received from my research form. To bring you inspiration from others. A few answers were edited for clarity.

What thing or object helps you get through a rough time? “Meditation” “A clicky stim toy” “Podcasts & music” “My Bluetooth speaker” “Dogs, the gym, a good book” “Reading, Music, Sports, Crafts” “My pets, friends, partner, and snacks” “Nap time, Watching TV, Video games, Bath” “Video games and my octopus squishmallow I named Joey” “Using a TIPP method (Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, or Paired muscle relaxation). Temperature or paced breathing is usually what helps me through something like an anxiety attack.”

When you feel at your worst, what are some of the things you do (an action) to reverse your mood? “Grounding exercises/breathing” “Throwing on some tunes and dancing” “Eat something nice or watch horror films” “Shower, eat a yummy snack, go for a ride in the car, do a craft” “I usually gotta cry it out first or distract myself with drawing or funny videos” “Walk/hike through nature, cold shower, comforting touch from friends, good cry” “Contact a friend, cultivated self care rituals- depending on need, shower, lay down, listen to music” “Box breathing, dancing to music, buying myself a comfort food item(i.e. ramen), washing and moisturizing my face” “Take a shower or a bath, go for a walk, pet my cat. I also find journaling really helps get things out of my head, sometimes it feels less overwhelming once I’ve written it down.” “I try to immediately remove myself from what is making me feel bad first then I try to make some time to care for myself, eat, drink water, lie down. Whatever I feel like I need.” “Specifically for when i have anxiety attacks, i try to slow my breathing and i start talking out loud the steps of a recipe i know how to cook or naming things in the room(things of one color, things that are round, etc) and that distracts my mind to focus on one small task, this is something i learned from the suicide hotline”

What are some things you do that you consider self care? “Eating well, relaxing” “Recharging in bed with my partner” “Go to the gym, take a hot shower, clothes shopping” “Shutting my phone down and walking the nature views . Inhale, exhale. Hot showers.” “I like talking long soothing baths, put on face masks, take some time for myself alone within a day” “Taking a bath, journaling, eating food, taking time to read or go for a walk, taking a break from screens” “Allow time for pleasurable things. A nice meal out, spending time with friends, spending time on hobbies” “Sleep/rest, hanging out with my friends/facetime, eating a meal with a show on” “Sleep hygiene, personal hygiene, Tea, pet and plant care, cleaning, brain-off activities: like games, videos and TV, etc. Reading and research is also self care for me personally I love learning :)” “Pressing “send” when I’m afraid to, regulating my mood with music, taking time to recognize my emotions, crying when i need to, going on walks/jogs even when i don’t feel like it.” “Tidying, rest, buying myself things that will spark joy (boba, a little squishy, a fun snack), reaching out to loved ones” “Exercise, self comfort, talk with friend or therapist, healthy food and eating habits, self talk and self forgiveness (journaling)”

Do you have a hobby that allows you to let off steam, What is it? “Yoga and writing” “When completing one” “Crochet, dance, Cleaning” “Playing music and hiking” “Dancing to dubstep and acting out dramatic scenes in front of the mirror” “I like reading. You wouldn’t expect it but it help divert my attention away from my emotions” “I never need to “let off steam, I never have any steam. But I do have hobbies. Creative writing, art, photography” “Rhythm and/or fighting games” “If I need to let off steam I’ll usually go to the gym or go for a run. Exercise helps. I used to work with horses, that was fantastic for my mental health” “Art, starting the plant thing slowly and anxiously lol, also Guitar has become pretty important to me and I never considered myself musical or outgoing enough for performance, Games, running I love running and sports so much I would do it all the time if I could but body broken and no time”

Resources If you don’t know where to start, here are some ideas: Seek treatment through insurance company recommendations Ask for support, a hug, a ear from someone nearby Develop a safety plan & remove harmful objects from the home Set realistic goals for yourself Get enough sleep Less scrolling on your phone Stay healthy and eat well balanced meals Avoid using substances Try to stick to routines Start an exercise program Increase safe & pleasurable activities Try not to isolate yourself & Let the sunshine in Just do your best, whatever your best is today is good enough.

Resources Suicide Prevention & Crisis Hotlines Pierce County: (800) 576-7764 King County: (866) 427- 4747 Thurston County: (360) 586-2800 Kitsap County: (360) 479-3033 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-TALK (8255) Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 National Hopeline Network: (800) 442- Hope (4673) Please call 911 if you think you may act on your thoughts of self harm.

Bibliography Alexander L. Chapman, & Kim L. Gratz. (2013). Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed (1st edition). New Harbinger Publications.(Alexander L. Chapman & Kim L. Gratz, 2013) Bovenizer, M. (n.d.). Interpersonal Effectiveness. Nystrom & Associates. Retrieved January 7, 2022, from https://www.nystromcounseling.com/specialty-areas/interpersonal-effectiveness/ (Bovenizer, n.d.)Breathe Magazine. (2017). Breathe: The Well-being Special (The Wellness Special). Time Inc. Books. Carol Lozier. (2018). DBT Therapeutic Activity Ideas for Working with Teens: Skills and Exercises for Working with Clients with Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, and Other Emotional Sensitivities. Jessica Kingsley Publishers. http://proxy.cornish.edu:2048/login?url=https://search. ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=nlebk&AN=1692546&site=ehost-live&scope=site Courtney E. Ackerman, MA. (2017, December 29). Interpersonal Effectiveness: 9 Worksheets & Examples (+ PDF). PositivePsychology.Com. https://positivepsychology.com/interpersonal-effectiveness/ D ebbie Corso. (2017). S tronger Than B PD: The Girl ’s Guide to Taking Control of Intense Emotions , Drama, and Chaos Using DBT. New Harbinger Publications. http://proxy.cornish.edu:2048/ login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=nlebk&AN=1488493&site=eh ost-live&scope=site Gregory Feist & Erika Rosenberg. (2011). Psychology: Perspectives & Connections: Perspectives and Connections (2nd ed.). McGraw-Hill Education. Kendra Cherry. (2021, April 5). The 6 Types of Basic Emotions and Their Effect on Human Behavior. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/an-overview-of-the-types-of-emotions-4163976 Lisa M. Najavits. (2001). Seeking safety A treatment Manual for PTSD and Substance Abuse. The Guilford Press. Medicine, N. (n.d.). 5 Things You Never Knew About Fear. Northwestern Medicine. Retrieved January 6, 2022, from https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/emotional-health/5-things-you-never-knewabout-fear Mindful. (2015, May 28). Jon Kabat Zinn Me Me Me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULJSacYFzzQ MINDFUL COMMUNICATIONS & SUCH, PBC. (n.d.). Getting Started with Mindfulness. Mindful. Retrieved January 7, 2022, from https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/ Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive (Illustrated edition). The Guilford Press. Paul Ekman Group. (n.d.). Fear. Paul Ekman Group. Retrieved January 6, 2022, from https://www. paulekman.com/universal-emotions/what-is-fear/ Psycoligistworld.com. (1 C.E., November 30). How Fight-or-flight Instincts Impact On Your Stress Levels. https://www.psychologistworld.com/stress/fight-or-flight-response Russ Harris. (2014). The Illustrated Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living (Illustrated edition). Shambhala.

Susan M. Clark. (2017). DBT-Informed Art Therapy: Mindfulness, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and the Creative Process. Jessica Kingsley Publishers. http://proxy.cornish.edu:2048/login?url=https:// search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=nlebk&AN=1340653&site=ehostlive&scope=site (Alexander L. Chapman & Kim L. Gratz, 2013; Bovenizer, n.d.; Breathe Magazine, 2017; Carol Lozier, 2018; Courtney E. Ackerman, MA., 2017; Debbie Corso, 2017; Gregory Feist & Erika Rosenberg, 2011; Kendra Cherry, 2021; Lisa M. Najavits, 2001; Mindful, 2015; MINDFUL COMMUNICATIONS & SUCH, PBC, n.d.; Neff & Germer, 2018; Northwestern Medicine, n.d.; Paul Ekman Group, n.d.; Psycoligistworld.com, 1 C.E.; Russ Harris, 2014; Susan M. Clark, 2017)

Acknowledgments A special thanks to Licensed Professional Counselor Associate Gretchen Leuthy for helping provide a second eye for this work, as well as many of the research materials that were used in the making of this book. Also a big thank you to the Cornish Writing Center for getting back to me so quickly.

About the Author

Samantha Leuthy Designer, Photographer, Illustrator B.A. - Digital Technologies and Culture Washington State University Alumini - May 2015 B.F.A. - Design at Cornish College of the Arts - May 2022