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‟ Watching Real Life, Just
March, 2015
For Laughs”
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All contents © 2015 by James Hope D/B/A Lake Legal News. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. Nothing may be reproduced in whole or in part without written permission from the publisher. Lake Legal News is not responsible for the contents, products, or services represented in any advertisements. Statements and opinions expressed in this publication are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of Lake Legal News or its staff. Any advice contained within this publication is general in nature, and is not intended to be relied upon in lieu of an actual consultation with a licensed attorney concerning the specific facts of your own situation and the most current state of the law. Unless pursuant to prior written arrangements with Lake Legal News, all submitted materials, whether written, photographic, or in other form will become the permanent property of Lake Legal News and shall be treated as unconditionally licensed and assigned to Lake Legal News for publication in print, via the internet, or through other medium, however logos and other legal marks as well as original copyrights remain the property of their respective owners. All submissions grant a right to Lake Legal News to edit said materials for accuracy, brevity, legality, or other concerns, and to title, caption, or make editorial comment upon such materials. Persons submitting materials agree to hold the publisher and staff of Lake Legal News harmless against claims of defamation, copyright infringement, invasion of privacy and unauthorized use of any person's name, photograph or personal information.
For advertising information and all other inquiries about this publication, contact the Publisher / Executive Editor: Write: Lake Legal News · Post Office Box 790 · Tavares, FL 32778 E-mail: LakeLegalNews@Gmail.com · Visit: www.LakeLegalNews.com Phone: 352-408-6338
4 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Comedy-Watch a few words of sophistication
#1
From Our Publisher... MARCH, 2015
Thinkstock / Shelma1
Let's face it: I must enjoy a challenge. In fact, I remember back more than 20 years ago, when I first met my wife, that I tried to sum up this particular facet of my personality by saying—though not meaning it to sound presumptuous—“I
don't do things because they're easy, I do things because they're hard.” (Most likely I had law school in mind as ‘Exhibit A’ when I made the statement.) In any case, it has largely proved true for me through the years—the most recent example of this being the launch of Comedy-
Watch, following the recent fifth anniversary of Lake Legal News. (All of this, not least to say, is while I continue to practice law.) One thing that gave me a real chuckle the other day came as I was leisurely thumbing through a copy of a nationally distributed magazine—one which is almost exactly the same combined length as Lake Legal News and ComedyWatch. It gave me a ‘reality check’ to see how many hats I've been wearing, considering that this other magazine more or less breaks the job I do into the following staff positions: Editor in Chief, Managing Editor, Editor at Large, Features Editor, Assistant Editor, Copy Editors (plural), Fact Checker (nice!), Contributors (numerous), Creative Director, Associate Art Director (in case the Creative Director isn't feeling especially ‘creative’ on any given day?), and Production Assistant. I also found it interesting that the magazine's web site had is own set of additional worker-bees: Editor in Chief, Managing Editor, Deputy Editor (presumably to ‘serve and protect’), Staff
Writer and Research Editors (plural). Apparently, however, none of those fine folks like to hussle ads or distribute the final product; that's where the Executive Vice President of Sales, Vice President of Sales, Director of Digital Sales, Account Managers (I see seven people listed) work closely with the Executive Director of Marketing, Integrating Marketing Director (love that one!), Promotions Manager, Marketing Coordinator (I'm starting to smell some redundancy here) and Digital Sales Planner. Of course, none of those individuals fill the roles that the Digital and Print Production Director, HR/Operations Manager, Consumer Marketing Director, Senior Accountant, Staff Accountant, Group CFO, or Chief Inquisitor (I'm not making any of this stuff up) do, so these people are also on the payroll. So there you have it. Please wish ‘me, myself, and I’ well as I give Comedy-Watch a whirl. (And if it's killing you to know which top-heavy magazine I was reading, just e-mail me.) Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
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contents (a/k/a)
8) Legal Ballyhoo 10) Vintage Insanity 11) Rodney Said... 13) The Column 16) Stand-Up 18) Comic's Bio 20) Caption Me! 21) Miscellany 22) Drawing Conclusions 30) Slightly Tee'd Off 6 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
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Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
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By: James Hope, J.D. THIS CHIMP AIN'T NO CHUMP! A group of humans (calling themselves “The Nonhumans Rights Project, Inc.”) filed a court action on behalf of Tommy-the-chimpanzee, seeking habeas corpus relief for Tommy. (It was alleged that the respondents were unlawfully detaining the chimp, albeit neither in a U.S. nor foreign prison.) In the words of the appellate court: “This appeal presents the novel question of whether a chimpanzee is a ‘person’ entitled to the rights and protections afforded by the writ of habeas corpus.” When the court ruled against him, Tommy reportedly called the legal decision “bananas.” (OK, that last part is made-up.) [Source: Decision rendered
8 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
December 4, 2014 by the State of New York Supreme Court, Appellate Division, Third Judicial Department.] RE: MY “STRONG EMOTIONAL CONNECTION” TO MY VIETNAMESE POT-BELLIED PIG. Not to be outdone for one second by Tommy-the-chimpanzee (see previous story), W.P. Sooie, a Vietnamese PotBellied pig with a decidedly onomatopoetic name, is also embroiled in litigation. (Well, probably the pig's owners actually hired the attorney— but that's a side point.) Just to be clear, Sooie “lives indoors with the Plaintiffs and the Plaintiffs have a strong emotional connection to their animal,” according to a lawsuit filed against the City of Little Rock, Ar. It seems that Sooie-the-pig's
troubles trace back to an “emergency” City of Little Rock ordinance directed at Vietnamese Pot-Bellied pigs, when the truth is that “the City of Little Rock has stated multiple times that it only knows of the Plaintiffs' potbellied pig residing in the City of Little Rock and that Ordinance 20,957 is directed specifically toward the Plaintiffs.” (In lay terms, Sooie is being unfairly profiled and targeted for being the only pork-chop in town.) If ever you find yourself looking down the barrel of a similar legal crisis, you might wish to do as the attorney for this pig's owners have done—at what financial cost, one cannot say—and invoke “42 U.S.C. §§ 1983 and 1988 for violations of the First, Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution of the United States of America, Article Two, Sections Two, Three, Eighteen, Twentyone, and Twenty-two of the Constitution of the State of Arkansas, Ark. Code Ann. §§ 16·111·103 and 104 (2014) and Ark. Code Ann. § 16·123·105 (2014) as well as other laws of the United States of America and the State of Arkansas.” Of course, if you cannot afford to hire a licensed attorney you may simply wish to have your pig consult Wilbur—the talking pig from Charlotte's Web. [Source: Complaint filed December 4, 2014 in the United States District Court, Eastern District of Arkansas, Western Division.] BUT I THOUGHT THAT MERRIAM-WEBSTER OWNED THE WORD “OH”?! This is simply no time to debate whether “The StarSpangled Banner” begins, “O say can you see,” or “Oh say can you see”—or whether Merriam-Webster (no relation to Aunt Jemima) ever autho-
rized anyone to use the word “oh” outside of her dictionary; there are bigger issues at hand! In fact, if you are a fan of Jay-Z, Rihanna, and Kanye West, get snowed-in one day from work and want to read a 15-page opinion detailing a big legal to-do about nothing, try reading the copyright infringement suit involving the coveted word, “oh”—which the plaintiff's counsel maintains is so “exuberantly-shouted” in its original recorded-work that it deserves protection from those who would seek to unscrupulously ‘sample’ another artist's “oh.” This is especially true, the lawsuit alleges, when the word “oh” (get this, now): “serves as the main introductory gateway to the main body of the song” and “sets the exuberant tone for the remainder of the work.” (I suppose that this is similar to the crucial way in which the word “a” performs a 'gateway' function and 'sets an exuberant tone' for the rest of the dictionary. So would anyone out there like to bid on my copyrighted “a”?) [Source: Memorandum Opinion filed December 8, 2014 in the United States District Court, Southern District of New York.] QUICK, IT'S THE COPS— RUN THE FISH THROUGH THE SHREDDER! In a case taken all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, a harsh federal obstructionof-justice statute—perfectly suited to keep crooked corporate accountants from shredding company books during a raid―was used against a fisherman who tossed ‘incriminating fish’ overboard. The government's theory? The phrase “any record, document or tangible object” (emphasis added) includes undersized groupers. [Source: UF LAW, Fall 2014 edition, pp. 18-20.]
Kenneth F. Cohrn
(352) 267-4601
DDS, D-ABFO
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Comedy-Watch
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(352) 589-5885 • www.TheCrazyGator.org 402 N. Bay Street, Eustis, Florida Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
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g a t in
10 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
y. t i n a s n ei
! Clearly if anyone today with a hearing problem could use their internet-connection as a time machine back to the 1800s they would want to get their hands on one of these scientific gems. Then they could be assured of hearing “perfectly” through their teeth—even if “born without ears.” (Such was true in the case of Miss Lizzy Michelfelder, who added her voice to “The Testimony of One Hundred Living Witnesses” attesting to the power of the “Dentaphone.” Before plunking down any hard-earned money, though, the manufacturer suggests you perform this simple home test: “Take a piece of dry wood, about the thickness of a common walking-stick... rest one end firmly on... a piano, organ, or music-box while it is played; then press the other end against your upper teeth or forehead, and stop your ears. IF YOU CAN IN THIS WAY HEAR THE MUSIC, YOU WILL HEAR PERFECTLY WITH THE DENTAPHONE.” No worries, either, if the teeth are entirely gone (as in the sad case of Miss Richarme); a “Special Mouthpiece is adapted to the instrument, which makes a solid connection to the upper gums.” (Wow! Who knew humans have their choice of hearing via their ears, teeth, forehead, or gums!?) I'll take two.
PS: If you happen to have been born completely blind, we are trying to track down an 1829 invention that—if still operational—will allow you to read this story through your elbow or big toe (in complete safety and comfort).
“I got out of show business for a while — I quit. To give you an idea of how I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit!” — Rodney Dangerf ield
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Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
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12 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
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E H T
. N M U COL
Peter Funt is a writer and speaker. His book, “Cautiously Optimistic,” is available at Amazon.com and CandidCamera.com. ©2014 Peter Funt. Columns distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons, Inc., newspaper syndicate. This column has been edited by the author. Representations of fact and opinions are solely those of the author.
Thinkstock / CJ Romas
(Author photo: Provided)
By: Peter Funt WHAT'S IN A NAME? Just guessing here, but I imagine forecasters at the Weather Channel are embarrassed about having to give winter storms names like “Juno,” “Kari” and “Linus.” Juno is what they called the almost-big one that hit the Northeast in late January. My radar says marketing gurus, not meteorologists, are behind this nonsense. A symptom of our super-simplified media and click-happy culture is naming things, whether they need names or not. Nothing gets traction nowadays without a hashtag. I suppose it goes back to Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, whose Watergate reporting led to the most ubiquitous tag of all time. It's been four
decades yet we still label every scandal a “gate”— as in “Deflate-gate,” concerning under-inflated footballs used by the New England Patriots. Then came Ted Koppel and ABC-TV and their 1979 decision to give a news story its own name. “America Held Hostage” was devoted to a single story concerning captives in Iran. Eventually the series became “Nightline,” but the gimmick of “branding” stories stuck — as in “Mystery of Flight 370,” which is what CNN called hundreds of hours of coverage about the disappearance of a Malaysia Airlines plane last year. As for naming storms, the U.S. Weather Bureau (now the National Weather Service) made a fine mess of things over the years. After World War II it began giving
tropical storms names used in the military's phonetic alphabet —you know, “Able, Baker, Charlie,” and so forth. When these ran out a switch was made to women's names which riled feminist organizations for three decades until men's names were added. Like this system or not, at least when a government agency names a storm every Tom, Dick and Roker uses it. But the Weather Channel's storm aliases are limited to the confines of the company's cable channel and website. It's as if this newspaper decided to give its own names to presidential speeches — so the State of the Union would be referred to here as, say, Francis. “Republicans and Democrats on Capitol Hill differed sharply in their reaction to Speech Francis.” The Weather Channel uses fairly uncommon names, such as Juno, a goddess from Roman mythology. No chance that could be confused with anything — except, of course, NASA's Juno spacecraft, now roughly 1.5 billion miles away from Earth on its jaunt to Jupiter. NASA has long been incapable of mounting missions until it gives them names — along with logos to be sewn on controllers' jumpsuits. And let's not even get started on the military, which has a fondness for branding everything it does, as in “Operation Make Mine a Double Latte.” The conflict with the terrorist group ISIS has officially been dubbed “Operation Inherent Resolve,” which, as names go, is both a political posture and quite a mouthful. A few months back CNN issued a report on “The 13 hashtags that changed the world.” Some were profound, such as #ICantBreathe, which drew attention to Eric Garner's death at the hands
of New York City police. But the very fact that hashtags are changing — or even helping to change — the world, is itself a discomfiting commentary on our times. When Payton Manning retires from football we might all learn what the heck “Omaha” means. Until then his pet codeword to teammates is just another name, like those on a Weather Channel map, forming an expanding alternate linguistic universe. #Sheesh.
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
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Why Are Most Magazines Forced To Charge So Much Money For Ads?
TOO MANY PIGLETS EATING FROM THE TROUGH!
La keaLeg tchal News
W
Comedy-
A Quarterly Magazine
Issue No. 20
#1
y!
Free Cop
‟ Watch
ing Re
al Life,
Just
ughs For La
”
5
ck / james
steidl and
CagleCa
rtoons.c
om / Dave
Granlun
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th Ann iver sar y Issue!
At Lake Legal News, we don't have dozens of people on the payroll like those ‘other guys’ do— and we pass our low-overhead savings on to you!
Thinksto
p. 30 Lost & Forgotten Photos... Also: Our Album Of
2015 March,
14 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
www.LakeLegalNews.com • (352) 408-6338 • LakeLegalNews@gmail.com
“NAME YOUR PRICE” ADVERTISING! Now with two great quarterly Lake County magazines to choose from, we can fit virtually any advertising budget. Make us prove it! Ads from $39 to $39 Million (lol)... No more excuses! Ad Inquiries: (352) 408-6338 • LakeLegalNews@gmail.com Our Motto: “Go Quarterly, Or Go Broke!” • www.LakeLegalNews.com
Lake Legal News A Quarterly Magazine
Issue No. 20
Comedy-Watch #1
Free Copy!
5
‟ Watching Real Life, Just
p. 30 Also: Our Album Of Lost & Forgotten Photos...
In Print & Online
Thinkstock / james steidl and CagleCartoons.com
th Anniversary Issue!
March, 2015 In Print & Online
For Laughs”
. P U D N A T S “Many residents of Los Angeles have been unprepared for the bitter cold. Apparently Kim Kardashian wore so many layers today, people thought she was Khloe.” — Conan O'Brien
“You know how these old people drive—they drive slow, they sit low—that is their motto. The State flag of Florida should be a steering wheel with just a hat and two knuckles on it!” — Jerry Seinfeld
16 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
“A new study came out that found that teenagers actually make better decisions than senior citizens. Really!? Because the last time I checked, we didn't have any shows called ‘85 And Pregnant.’” — Jimmy Fallon
Thinkstock / James Steidl
“My neighbor's son ran into the house the other day to his mother and said, ‛Momma, I just knocked over the ladder in the garden!,’ and she said, ‛Well, you'd better go tell your Daddy.’ And the little boy says, ‘Well he knows—he's hanging from the roof of the house now!’” — Redd Foxx
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
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4 8 18
. O I B s ' c i com AL Romero:
A regular on cruise ships, resorts and casinos with his agressive, high-energy show, Al has also been seen on “A&E's Evening at the Improv,” “Latin Kings of Comedy Vol. 2,” “Night of a 1000 Guido's,” and “Comedy on the Road.” Cuban born and Miami raised, Al has Latin flair with American style. Whether you're Cuban or not, you will find yourself laughing 'till it hurts!
BORN & RAISED: Born in Havana, Cuba, raised in Miami, Florida.
MY “DREAM” TV APPEARANCE WOULD BE: My own “HBO Special.”
I FIRST DISCOVERED I WAS “FUNNY” WHEN: Since I can remember.
PARTING WORDS: I need to find a publisher to publish my book, or an agent to help me sell it!
MY COMEDY INFLUENCES ARE: Richard Pryor and George Carlin. MEMORIES FROM MY VERY FIRST STAND-UP PERFORMANCE: I was terrible and still could not wait to do it again—that is when I knew I had found my calling in life! CAREER ASPIRATIONS: I also want to act—so, to be in a sitcom and movies. I'm also a writer and would love to have my screen-plays turned into movies and have the book that I just finish writing published.
Enjoy LIVE COMEDY ! (2nd Sat. Night Of Each Month)
1-800-856-1884 • www.1884RestaurantAndBar.com 12 East Magnolia Ave., Eustis, Florida 32726
18 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Don't be like this LOSER...
La keaLeg tchal News
W Comedy-
A Quarterly Magazine
y! Free Cop
‟ Watch
ing Re
al Life,
Issue No. 20
#1
ughs For La
Just
”
5
ck / james
steidl and
CagleCa
rtoons.c
om / Dave
Granlun
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Contact the publisher of these magazines— you will be amazed to learn how you can save up to 90% on high-quality advertising!
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www.LakeLegalNews.com • (352) 408-6338 • LakeLegalNews@gmail.com
Thinkstock / Lofilolo
CA
! E M N O I PT
Suggested CAPTION: “Simply pretending I don't see you...” 20 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
(Model is unconnected to article) PS: If you happen to have Here at the Law Off ice of Ric O'Shea, we do things two-of-three ways: been born completely blind, we are trying to track down Fast, Good, and Cheap. 1829 invention that—if still If it's Fast and it's Good, it ain't Cheap. an operational—will allow you to If it's Fast and it's Cheap, it ain't Good. read this story through your elbow or big toe (in complete If it's Good and it's Cheap, it ain't Fast. (So you choose.) safety and comfort).
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
Getty Images / Photos.com
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. Y N A L L E I SC
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Rick McKee, The Agusta Chronicle
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo Chronicle
d
w a r
22 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
i us o l n c S n . o c g in
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Yaakov Kirschen, Dry Bones
24 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Mike Keefe
26 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / R.J. Matson
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Rick McKee, The Agusta Chronicle
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Nate Beeler, The Columbus Dispatch
28 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Issue #1 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Mike Keefe
h g i l S
Of f. d ' e e T tly
Thinkstock / gmenacom
Hey, I'm No Rocket Surgeon!
30 Comedy-Watch • Issue #1
Fla. Bar Board Certified Criminal Trial Law Expert Qualifications: I have practiced criminal law in Tavares, Florida, for 27 years. I am a former Assistant State Attorney, with supervisory experience at the juvenile, misdemeanor, felony and postconviction relief levels, including a designation as Lake County's first sex battery and first careercriminal prosecutor. My actual jury trial experience ranges from shoplifting and DUI to capital sexual battery and first degree murder—and I have stood before a felony jury an average of twice-a-year for 27 years. In fact, I have quadruple the number of felony jury trials required for initial Board Certification.
Contact Info:
Available for a free consultation (“Of Counsel”) through the Law Office of Zachary J. McCormick, 210 N. Texas Ave., Tavares, Florida. To reach me:
(352) 742-7474 • www.ZJMlaw.com, or (352) 742-3488 • www.AttorneyJames Hope.com
James Hope, J.D.
u are serious “Call when yo fended.” about being de
Mon. – Sat., from 11 a.m. 'til the last guest leaves!
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Featuring great food, reasonably priced, in a spacious atmosphere where you can relax and discuss everything from business plans to wedding plans!
Enjoy LIVE COMEDY The 2nd Saturday Night Of Every Month!
Happy Hour: Mon. – Fri. / 4 p.m. – 7 p.m., $2 Bud Light Draughts, $3 House Wines View our Menu, Specials, Entertainment & Events : www.1884RestaurantAndBar.com 12 East Magnolia Ave., Eustis, Florida 32726