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4 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
Comedy-Watch a few words of sophistication
#2
From Our Publisher... JUNE, 2015
Thinkstock / Shelma1
“Comedy”—and if that word in its full-strength is an overstatement, then at least “humor”—is all around us. Just sit back and watch. (Thus, the inspiration for this publication's name, “Comedy-Watch”.)
For example, the Chicago Tribune recently spilled-thebeans on something that I hadn't noticed, but do find to be both lamentable and funny at the same time, to-wit, “cable mandarins tinkering with television classics” (as the newspaper put it). How? Reportedly by using “computer
compression technology to subtly speed up some shows.” Why? Making room to jam in more commercials per hour (of course), as if the Munchkins in Oz didn't have squeaky highpitched voices to begin with! According to the report, even characters from “Seinfeld” and “Friends”can now be heard on reruns to be speaking an octave higher as their conversations wiz-along according to some robo-enhanced, pre-selected speed. (As I said, this is both lamentable and funny at the same time; funnier, perhaps, if you are an “Alvin-and-theChipmunks” fan.) For me, personally, I am not looking forward to tuning in to one of these ‘warp-speed’ reruns. That's why I have always appreciate the fact that my old Technics turntable has a strobe-based, variable pitch-control, so that Jackson Browne will always sound like Jackson Browne. Of course, one is not limited to culling through newspapers for humorous material. Sometimes it's as close as the post
office. I found this out when (out-of-the-blue) I received notification that I had been named a “Settlement Class Member” in a “Class Action Settlement” against the internet giant, eBay... and an actual check was enclosed, made payable to me! Never mind that it's probably been six or seven years since I sold anything on eBay, and skip right over the fact that I hadn't even been miffed at eBay for however they supposedly hoodwinked me: I now have a check in my hot-little-hand in the amount of $0.58 to prove that I am
now a winning ‘plaintiff’ and no longer merely an aggrieved party without redress. (You'll have to do the math on the cost of the stamp, letter, envelope, and labor costs involved in awarding me my $0.58 grand-prize.) My plan is to spend all the loot in one place, all at once, and however I choose. “Thank you” to my unsung heroes out there—my class action lawyers—for delivering comedy right to my mailbox. Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
5
contents (a/k/a)
8) Legal Ballyhoo 10) Vintage Insanity 11) Rodney Said... 13) The Column 15) No Kidding!? 16) Stand-Up 18) Comic's Bio 20) Caption Me! 21) Mail-Order Madness 22) Drawing Conclusions 30) Slightly Tee'd Off 6 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
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Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
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(Model is unconnected to article)
L
l a eg
. o o h y l l Ba
By: James Hope, J.D. LATEST FEDERAL TRAGEDY: ̕MY FLUSHABLE WIPES WON'T FLUSH!̕ In what is sure to play out as an epic David v. Goliath battle, a group of ordinary citizens have filed a federal class action suit against two powerful mega-companies in an attempt to redress an unspeakable wrong: The claim is that several lines of personal wipes have been deceptively marketed to consumers as “flushable”— when in fact they are not. And the complaint filed in court by the lead plaintiff evidently includes “photos which graphically illustrate” ( yuck!! ) that the wipes just won't go down without a fight—clogging toilets and harming plumbing. For the most part the lawsuit
8 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
got ‘flushed’ during an early round of of litigation, but one can expect the matter to ‘float back to the top’ some time in the future. [Source: Decision rendered January 6, 2015 by the United States District Court, Northern District of California.] “POM” VERSUS “pŏm”— WHAT'S IN A NAME? Pom Wonderful—a last name Donald Trump would love, no?—sued a rival beverage company, arguing that it's own “POM” trademark was being infringed upon by wholly unauthorized “pŏm”-sters! At the risk of losing sleep, see how anarchy looms closeby (as expressed by the court): “[C]onsider the confusion that could arise if one verbally asked a friend to buy ‘a ‘POM’ drink,’ intending that the
friend purchase a Pom Wonderful product for him or her. Unless the friend is already familiar with the requester's pomegranate beverage preferences, the friend could easily return with [the rival's] ‘pŏm’ beverage, having reasonably concluded that ‘pŏm’ is pronounced the same, and has the same meaning, as the drink requested.” (Emphasis added.) Yes, tragic, indeed! So here's a simple, yet practical suggestion from the staff here at Comedy-Watch! to help you rise above this bitter beverage fray: Always know your friend's “pomegranate beverage preferences” well before you are tasked with making that next “pŏm”... er... “POM” midnight juice run. [Source: Opinion filed December 30, 2014 in the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit.] PROSECUTOR'S CLOSING ARGUMENT WAS COMPLETELY ‘OUT-OF-TUNE’... Initially, all went well for the State of Idaho in its prosecution against James D. Kirk as the State secured sex-crimes convictions against him. The government's victory, however, was short-lived. Kirk successfully complained on appeal that notwithstanding the fact that he was a black man being tried for allegedly victimizing two young white females, the trial prosecutor responded to the defense attorney's closing argument by launching into song. Not just any song. That song! In the words of the prosecutor: “Ladies and gentlemen, when I was a kid we used to like to sing songs a lot. I always think of this one song. Some people know it. It's the Dixie song. Right? Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton. Good times not forgotten. Look away. Look away. Look away. And isn't
that really what you've kind of been asked to do?” Lest one fail to see the legal problem with this aspect of the defendant's trial, the appellate court spelled it out: “[T]his Court does not require resort to articles or history books to recognize that ‘Dixie’ was an anthem of the Confederacy, an ode to the Old South, which references with praise a time and place of the most pernicious racism. The prosecutor's mention of the title, ‘Dixie,’ as well as the specific lyrics recited by the prosecutor, referring to ‘the land of cotton,’ expressly evoke that setting with all its racial overtones.” (ComedyWatch! sought to interview the prosecutor about the vacated conviction, but she was unavailable... something about ‘being out back, feeding the chickens.’) [Source: Decision rendered December 19, 2014 by the Court of Appeals of the State of Idaho.] READ THIS BEFORE YOUR NEXT ‘NUDE’ OUTDOOR PROTEST: Planning on doing a little nude-protesting this summer? Watch out for First Amendment ‘symbolic speech’ arguments that are so weak that they might leave you standing naked. While it is true that the U.S. Supreme Court has explained that the timing of conduct during or around “issues of great public moment” may transform “otherwise bizarre behavior” into conduct that “the great majority of citizens” would understand “the drift of,” merely running down the sidewalk in your birthday suit probably won't clothe you with legal protection—even if you are wearing a black arm band and carrying a megaphone. [Suggested reading: Cases arising out of the City of San Francisco, California!]
Kenneth F. Cohrn
(352) 267-4601
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(352) 589-5885 • www.TheCrazyGator.org 402 N. Bay Street, Eustis, Florida Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
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Images via John W. Hartman Center / Duke University Libraries
v
g a t in
10 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
y. t i n a s n ei
! Here, at least, is something we can all agree about: Modern 21st century coffins are so boring! And maybe even dangerous—meaning that if you don't die from what killed you (?), then a ‘killer coffin’ just might be listed as your official cause of death... and you don't want THAT to be your enduring legacy, do you? Flash back (circa 1844) to the “Life-Preserving Coffin,” an invention of C.H. Elsenbrandt (a/k/a, “The public's obedient servant.”) Finally! No more worrying about “doubtful cases of death,” and at long last an easy way to “entirely remov[e] the danger attendant on premature internment...” (Darn that “premature internment!”) So ‘How does it work?,’ you ask... “[T]he inventor has so contrived an arrangement admitting of pure air, and with springs and levers on the inside, that the slightest motion of its inmate will be instantly communicated to the springs, which, freeing the coffin-lid, it flies open...” Naturally, testimonials praising the coffin abounded. Dr. J.C.S. Monkur, for example, wrote to Elsenbrandt stating that he had “not the least doubt that when the value of [the] invention becomes generally known, a discerning public will amply remunerate you for genius, mechanical skill and application.”
PS: The coffin is also said to be “handsomely constructed”—just in case you were worried that having a corpse-laden coffin hanging around the house would prove to be an ugly eyesore.
“I live in a bad neighborhood. In fact, the first week I lived there I asked the cop, ‘How long a walk to the subway?’ He said, ‘I don't know—so far, no one's ever made it!’” — Rodney Dangerf ield
Thinkstock / Pocketcanoe
R
n d o
. . . d i a ey s
Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
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12 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
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E H T
. N M U COL
Danny welcomes reader e-mail responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree's Tyrades”. Danny's column is distributed exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. newspaper syndicate. ©2013 Danny Tyree. This column has been edited by the author. Representations of fact and opinions are solely those of the author.
Thinkstock / CJ Romas
(Author photo: Provided)
By: Danny Tyree AM Radio: Can / Should It Be Saved? I don't think my relationship with AM radio is particularly unique. I have priceless memories of the early morning drive to college, listening to bluegrass music on “clear channel 650-WSM, the Air Castle of the South.” But 30-plus years later, I find myself habitually relying on FM stations or CDs. According to the New York Times, there are still a few powerhouse AM stations; but AM in general is struggling for listeners (especially listeners in the younger, more desirable demographic) and revenue. Federal Communications Commission member Ajit Pai is waging a valiant effort to ensure the long-term viability
of the venerable AM method, through relaxed regulation and technical fixes. Technical fixes? Yep, the 21st century has played havoc with the process. The AM signal can be mangled by tall buildings, smartphones, plasma TVs, cable boxes, LED traffic lights, energy-efficient fluorescent bulbs and other staples of modern life. The undeclared war against AM is even holding medical progress hostage, as the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) tells patent seekers, “We'd love to approve your new cancer drug, but it doesn't do enough to hamper AM reception.” Indeed, one of the brainstorms for financing the shoring up of AM is to charge Kellogg for decades of free advertising of Rice Krispies, assessing a retroactive fee for
each snap, crackle and pop. While many listeners cheer Pai's attempts, others think he's barking up the wrong tree. They say it's the programming, not the static, that is the primary turn-off for listeners. Even some fans of AM have derided the current landscape as being full of unadventurous, “calcified” formats, soulless automated programming and a general acceptance of second-class status. Apparently AM is having a hard time shaking the image of the long-in-the-tooth religious broadcaster whose original pleas for contributions involved sheep and goats—and the behind-the-times station owner whose concept of innovation involves figuring out a way to piggyback smoke signals with the AM signal. Don't think of AM radio as a relic ready for placement in the scrap heap of history. Two-thirds of the Major League Baseball teams still use it. Two-thirds of minorityowned stations broadcast on the AM spectrum. AM radio ties together rural communities. Battery-powered AM radios are invaluable for providing emergency information when disaster takes listeners “off the grid.” (Modern priorities make it supremely important to transmit messages such as ROFL, even if it leads to messages such as ROFDDFATIHNWO: Rolling On Floor Dodging Debris From A Tornado I Had No Warning Of.) AM stations form the backbone of talk radio, so conservatives should be willing to come to the rescue—especially in light of the repeated insistence that the Original Intent of the Founding Fathers was to have Paul Revere shout, “Set your dial and rip off the knob! Set your dial and rip off the knob!” Granted, for the millennial
generation, the whole idea of balancing AM and FM is a moot point. One too many tech-savvy youngsters has condescendingly groused, “Radio is for old people.” Um, actually, young man, what is reserved for old people is (a) deciding for whom to co-sign a loan and (b) deciding whom to exclude from a last will and testament. Hmph! Remember our battle cry: Let's Not HISS At Amplitude Modulation!
Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
13
“NAME YOUR PRICE” ADVERTISING! Now with two great quarterly Lake County magazines to choose from, we can fit virtually any advertising budget. Make us prove it! Ads from $39 to $39 Million (lol)... No more excuses! Ad Inquiries: (352) 408-6338 • LakeLegalNews@gmail.com Our Motto: “Go Quarterly, Or Go Broke!” • www.LakeLegalNews.com
Comedy-Watch #1
Free Copy!
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For Laughs”
Thinkstock / james steidl and CagleCartoons.com
‟ Watching Real Life, Just
Lake Legal News
March, 2015
In Print & Online
The Day We All Got Sued p. 30 Also: Pauline — “My Life & Times”
In Print & Online
K O N
? ! G N I IDD
By: James Hope, J.D.
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Adam Zyglis, The Buffalo News
MEET FRANKEN-LUCY... Arguably, it's enough to make our beloved red-headed “Vitameatavegamin” spokesperson roll over in her grave. Privately commissioned and publicly displayed since 2009, a 400 pound bronze statue of Lucille Ball has been striking a Frankenstein-like terror in the hearts of those who stroll through Lucille Ball Memorial Park in the comedienne's hometown of Celoron, N.Y. Fortunately, an ever-rising tide of protest now makes it appear as if the monstrosity's days are numbered. One Lucy fan—posting on a Facebook page cumbersomely named “We Love Lucy Get Rid Of This Statue”—is quite direct: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this statue!” Another post chides the artist (Dave Poulin) with a mock Austin Powers quote: “That's not Lucy... That's a Man, Baby!” Still another post begs the sculptor to visit an eye-doctor! Even after years on display, a merciless onslaught of distain for the statue continues. Colin Dabkowski, an art critic for The Buffalo News, declared recently: “It looks more like an extra from ‘The Walking Dead’ than arguably the most famous comic actress of all time.” Ouch! Indeed, one person posting online wants to “put a paper bag over its head,” and a concerned local resident (seeking online funding to replace the statue) posted a warning that the bronze is “even scarier” at night time. Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
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. P U D N A T S “I was a nervous child—I was a bed-wetter. I used to sleep with an electric-blanket and I kept electrocuting myself.” — Woody Allen
“There's a new ‛app’ that's coming out that shows you how alcohol will age you. When I was a kid, we did this by looking at our father.” — Conan O'Brien
16 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
“If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?” — Steven Wright
Thinkstock / James Steidl
“I lost 100 pounds—and now people say, 'Wow! we can really see it in your face! ' [So] how big was my head before I started this journey? Apparently I was the Kool-Aid Man, and nobody ever said anything to me!” — John Pinnet
Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
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4 8 18
. O I B s ' c i com Amy Dingler:
Three perfect words to describe this former rodeo clown (turned stand-up comedian) would be, “Outrageous, Edgy and Hilarious!” Amy now travels and performs all over the country with her unique brand of super-high-energy stand up comedy. A favorite wherever she goes, she has been seen on “Comedy Central” and “Late Night Miami.” When you come to see Amy Dingler... buckle up for the ride of your life!
BORN & RAISED: The “real” Jersey Shore— Jersey Shore, Pennsylvania. I FIRST DISCOVERED I WAS “FUNNY” WHEN: Second grade show and tell. I thought I was HILARIOUS!!
MY “DREAM” TV APPEARANCE WOULD BE: Playing Olivia Pope's sister on “Scandal.” (What?? I can't play an African American? Rachel Dolezal does.) PARTING WORDS: Be true to yourself.
MY COMEDY INFLUENCES ARE: Roseanne Barr. MEMORIES FROM MY VERY FIRST STAND-UP PERFORMANCE: Mrs. Toofill calling my mom after I brought my grandma's panties to our second grade show-and-tell! CAREER ASPIRATIONS: Playing at 1884 Restaurant and Bar. Shoot—what will I do now?
Enjoy LIVE COMEDY ! (2nd Sat. Night Of Each Month)
1-800-856-1884 • www.1884RestaurantAndBar.com 12 East Magnolia Ave., Eustis, Florida 32726
18 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
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CA
! E M N O I PT
Suggested CAPTION: “I swear, that mouse will pay for this !” 20 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
A M
n e d s a s M . r e d r O il “
Date Reviewed: 5-22-15
THE UNIVERSAL COAT HANGER!
Review by:
Justin Case (Age 12) The product-review and other opinions herein expressed are solely those of young Justin Case, who at age 12 has saved so little of his allowance money that he's entirely ‘judgment proof ’—should you foolishly decide to waste your time bringing a lawsuit against a minor. Patents, trademarks, copyrights and other intellectual property rights are acknowledged to be fully retained by their respective owner(s), as Justin has good grades and is not a thief !
Product Review Score: 4/5 Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
Getty Images / Photos.com Thinkstock.com/John Black
When my item arrived I was really curious to see whether it was exactly as-described, because the “Universal Coat Hanger” made a ton of promises. The ad said it would be: "Light-weight, completely portable, almost indestructible, and could hang everything from ‛belts-tobicycles.’” It even said it was “galvanized” (or something like that), to prevent rusting. Anyway, at $14.95 I just love it, and can't wait to go camping!
21
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Milt Priggee, www.miltpriggee.com
www.CagleCartoons.com / Randall Enos, Cagle Cartoons
d
w a r
22 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
i us o l n c S n . o c g in
Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Mike Keefe
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Rick McKee, The Agusta Chronicle
24 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune
www.CagleCartoons.com / Bob Englehart, The Hartford Courant
Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
25
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Paul Zanetti, Australia
www.CagleCartoons.com / Steve Sack, The Minneapolis Star Tribune
26 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle
www.CagleCartoons.com / Bob Englehart, The Hartford Courant
Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Rick McKee, The Augusta Chronicle
www.CagleCartoons.com / Bob Englehart, The Hartford Courant
28 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
Issue #2 • Comedy-Watch
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Licensing: www.CagleCartoons.com / Taylor Jones
h g i l S
Of f. d ' e e T tly
Thinkstock / gmenacom
Well, another day passed by and I didn't use algebra once!
30 Comedy-Watch • Issue #2
Fla. Bar Board Certified Criminal Trial Law Expert Qualifications: I have practiced criminal law in Tavares, Florida, for 27 years. I am a former Assistant State Attorney, with supervisory experience at the juvenile, misdemeanor, felony and postconviction relief levels, including a designation as Lake County's first sex battery and first careercriminal prosecutor. My actual jury trial experience ranges from shoplifting and DUI to capital sexual battery and first degree murder—and I have stood before a felony jury an average of twice-a-year for 27 years. In fact, I have quadruple the number of felony jury trials required for initial Board Certification.
Contact Info:
Available for a free consultation (“Of Counsel”) through the Law Office of Zachary J. McCormick, 210 N. Texas Ave., Tavares, Florida. To reach me:
(352) 742-7474 • www.ZJMlaw.com, or (352) 742-3488 • www.AttorneyJames Hope.com
James Hope, J.D.
u are serious “Call when yo fended.” about being de
Mon. – Sat., from 11 a.m. 'til the last guest leaves!
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Happy Hour: Mon. – Fri. / 4 p.m. – 7 p.m., $2 Bud Light Draughts, $3 House Wines View our Menu, Specials, Entertainment & Events : www.1884RestaurantAndBar.com 12 East Magnolia Ave., Eustis, Florida 32726