XAND

SEX AND THE CITY

Please note, this column is the opinion of the columinst and not that of GNI or Romeo & Julian Publiccations Ltd.

Moving slowly through the hot, wet, dark, steam-filled passageways, like a big cat stalking its prey, I surveyed my options for the night. I’d trained myself to feel no emotion. He wouldn’t tell me his name, I would not share mine. Both here for sex, we would enjoy our pleasure, shower, and leave to return to the world above the sauna. The real world. Does this sound familiar to you? Well, it should. Most gay men have had this experience. But what is it about gay saunas that brings out the hunter in us? As I sit here remembering those hot, wet, sweaty, steamy, spunky nights in London, I can’t help smiling when I think about the other side of my character who daydreams about romance and love. It’s like I’m two people in one body! I am both the hunter and the prey!

You see, despite the fact that in the past I have been a complete and total man whore and have always been able to have sex, Samantha Jones style, without emotion, focusing only on pleasure taken with mouth, arse, and schlong dong, with absolutely zero interest in the person with whom I am fucking, the truth is that underneath the Grindr profile and the expressionless face that says “I will fuck you in half you little bitch”, I am a hopeless romantic. In fact I’m more of a Charlotte, or even a Carrie in that I am a total cuddle monster. If I fall in love with you, I’ll cook you dinner, light candles, play romantic music, hell I’ve even written poetry for the men I fall in love with! Look, here’s a poem I wrote for my future husband just the other day ~

Oh, Bradley Cooper, You are super, duper, I wish I could ride you, But you are not here, Oh, Bradley Bradley,

This poem’s hard to write, Because I can’t think of anything, To rhyme with your last name. Fuck!

I shall be publishing my debut anthology of poems next year. The collection will be called “Don’t Tell Dad! ~ Poetry To Make My Homophobic Irish Catholic Father Cry”. And although I haven’t quite decided on which should be the first, I believe “Ode To My Willy” would make a good opener ~ and it goes something like this ~ Oh Penis, Dear Penis, You give me such joy, You make me so glad, That I was born a boy! Vagina’s are awesome, You’ve known quite a few, But usually bumholes, Are where I put you.

10% of sales will go to the charity “Prostate Matters”, and I’ll be telling people about the wonderful work of F.I.N.G.E.R. or the Finnish Institute of Next Generation Exploration of the

Rectum, who will be this year probing deeply into prostate care for bottoms aged 18-25. In fact, they’ve asked me to be their Chairman and I’ll do my best to be a proud and upstanding member.

But why are we so carnivorous as gay men? Why is there such a fear of commitment on the one hand and a deep pining for romance on the other? Sometimes, I feel like a gay Jekyll and Hyde. During the day I’m like Sandra fuckin’ Bullock in Practical Magic dreamin’ of a love that even time will lie down and be still for and at night, I’m at my masturbation station, fleshlight in hand, poppers at the ready, scrolling through hardcore German bareback orgies. Funny old world, innit?

Maybe it’s time I just accept the fact that I’m a slut and I love big dinkles and the sort of sleazy fisting porn you wouldn’t want your boss to find on your laptop. I mean, there’s a big difference between ‘water sports’, and the way I do it. Maybe I need the kind of relationship where he wears a collar and I wear the boots. Maybe if I get married again in the future he should have the words “Love”, “Honour”, and “Obey” tattooed on his lower back. I mean, I’m not saying guys always have to be 100% submissive all the time.. but it helps. It also helps if they wear a puppy mask and a tail.

I’ve always thought of myself as more of a cat person but something about the idea of a guy wearing a collar and barking is enough to quicken the beating of my heart. Woof! But anyway, you’re probably wondering what the point of this article is, and believe me so am I as I sit here stroking my pussy and wondering which Bradley Cooper film I shall watch this afternoon. Maybe ‘Limitless’ or that one where he’s a sexy shit-faced chef as I can relate to that one. The shit-faced bit anyway. I am quite a good cook but no one’s calling Gordon fuckin’ Ramsay anytime soon pet!

I suppose the point of this article is to make you laugh, to make you smile, to make you think deeply about love and romance, to allow you to express yourself in whatever way you like, and encourage you to embrace your inner cum-hungry man whore and realise we don’t have to be this or that, saint or sinner, flawless or fuck monster, vanilla or bareback. We should just allow ourselves and each other to love and fuck in whatever way pleases us. The most important thing is that we treat one another with respect and look after one another. Peace out bitches!

Xand - xandwest2022@gmail.com