SPENDING CHRISTMAS ALONE Xand

ust the thought of a family Christmas sends shivers up and down my spine. I doubt my liver would survive the amount of alcohol I’d have to drink to get through the day without having a complete nervous breakdown

Apart from the fake pleasantries, the narcissism, Jesus, God, the three wise men, the fake plastic Christmas tree, the undiagnosed OCD, the psychological abuse, and blatant energy vampirism, it’s the not being able to be me bit that would really fucking suck. At the age of 45 years old and now approaching the coffin from the wrong side, I just don’t have time to waste pretending to be something I’m not.

Let’s take my favourite word ‘cunt’ for instance. I have never uttered the word ‘cunt’ in front of my parents even in the rather fun and friendly Australian use of the word ‘cunt’ for example when one says “He’s a good cunt!”, meaning someone is a nice bloke.. or the London use of the word ‘cunt’ for example when one is in a pub getting shit faced and a simple toast goes like this “Cheers Cunt!”. It makes me sad to not be able to use my favourite word ‘cunt’ in front of my conservative family and not being able to use the word ‘cunt’ when in their presence makes me think twice about mentioning bum sex or indeed dick jokes and who doesn’t love a good dick joke on Christmas Day?

And so I shall be spending Christmas Day with my cats who neither judge me nor restrict my usage of the word ‘cunt’ because to them it’s just another meaningless sound. They love me just as I am much like Mr Darcy loves Bridget Jones and god knows there are many similarities between me and Mrs Jones! Being a single gay dude I often wear the same pair of pants for a good few days. I only do the washing up when absolutely necessary, and I frequently walk around naked with the curtains wide open. I adopted this ‘Fuck it’ attitude a few years back and it’s served me well. The biggest advantage of being a bit of a cunt is that one doesn’t get invited to family dinners. Had I known this would be the result of my being myself I would have done it years ago! But then one learns from one’s mistakes.

It’s wonderful to free oneself from both guilt and gas-lighting the staples of Irish Catholicism and give zero fucks. These days if I offend people with my language, appearance, dick jokes, or opinions in general I feel an overwhelming sense of pride as a 45-year-old homosexual (who is naturally grumpy, sarcastic, and borderline sociopathic mainly as a result of other’s cunty behaviour) because more often than not those who are most offended by the word ‘cunt’ tend to be rather cunty themselves.

So if you are dreading the family Christmas this holiday season why not stay home, get shit-faced, order a pizza, enjoy some of your favourite pornography, and eat your body weight in chocolate before passing out in a drunken stupor. Better still go on Grindr and find the bloke with the biggest schlong dong who will fuck you in half but who isn’t after a relationship because he’s married to Sheila down the road. The ones in the closet are always really up for it because they can’t get blowjobs at home.

If I am ever in doubt about how to spend Christmas Day I think to myself “W.W.G.J.D.?” - “What Would Gay Jesus Do? And I find I always get the right answer. Not that Jesus ever existed of course but if you’re reading this magazine you’ve probably worked that one out by now. But if gay Jesus did exist all those years ago I imagine him as a power bottom taking 12 loads one after the other. Can you tell I’m enjoying writing this article this afternoon? See? Told ya! It’s the art of not giving a fuck anymore and it’s extremely cathartic.

What you find over time is that when other people realise their mind fucks are not going to work anymore they tend to leave you in peace and after all Christmas is the time of peace and a time to reflect on the year past and to make new year’s resolutions you have absolutely no intention of keeping. I find it’s so much nicer to make those empty promises like going to the gym, stopping smoking, saying ‘cunt’ less, not eating 6 slices of toast, using less salt, drinking less vodka, and cleaning my bathroom more than once every 6 months when at home alone without the need to pretend to care about what others are telling you about their straight privileged lives.

So here’s wishing everyone a very Merry Fuckin’ Christmas and a Happy New Year!