8 minute read
FAMILY
THE PUSH-PULL EFFECT
Navigating the colorful ebb and fl ow of building relationships with our children.
BY JENNIFER ASHTON RYAN
In order to work from home while caring full time for my infant (my rst child), I needed her to nap. So, I lived and breathed those damn naps. I’d plan for her to go to sleep at 1 p.m. By 1:05 my mental to-do list had activated. Everything now. Everything must be done now!
Each extra second past 1 p.m. that she lay awake I would be spiraling, convincing myself that she would never sleep again. But she did. Magically her eyes closed and her breath slowed to a predictable rhythm, the one capable of soothing my acute t of panic and rage.
I was released to the couch, where I collapsed into the cushions, craving a sleepy breathing pattern of my own. But I could never sleep, thinking of everything that needed to get done. And I couldn’t move because I was exhausted. So, I sat staring at my phone, inevitably watching videos of someone who 60 seconds prior I would have sold an organ to get a break from.
This catch-22 of parenthood shows no signs of letting up. I want to savor my time with my children at the same time that I want to be away from them. I want them to stay little, and I want to witness them growing up. I want to know all their secrets, and I want my own head space.
My rst child threw me for a loop. When my second and third children were napping, I was watching Mad Men. But during that rst go around, my premom productivity level had yet to be ground down.
Now it’s not naps, it’s school. I have more predictable time for myself, but I woke up and realized that, in 10 years,
Relationships are magnetic, messy, variable, and the best ones—like the ones with our children— are quite long.
that baby I shhhed will be in college, and she’s starting to talk to me less and less after school.
“How was it?” I ask in the car line.
I’ve read lists of better after-school questions to ask.
I imagine before bed is a better time to talk. But she shares a room with her brother, and more than talking to me she’s into giggling with him after we turn out the light. Our 4-year-old has her own room, so you’d think I’d waltz across the hall for a dose of quality bedtime connection. But she is not old enough to leave us alone—I tuck her in, and she’s still screaming for six raisins, a glass of water, and a potty break. No additional connection needed with that child.
The relationship swings I experience with my children can feel a lot like playing with magnets. If I have one toy train and I want to link it to yours, if it’s turned one way, no matter how strong I come on, we won’t connect. But if pull away a little and turn around, snap! We’re together again. As I’m drawn to the 8-year-old’s angst, she pushes me away. So, I turn my focus to her siblings, and she’s acting out to get attention. The
dance goes on.
Over the holidays we made sugar cookies, and over the burr of the KitchenAid, my rst daughter started spinning around the kitchen, gushing about who passed to who at gaga ball and how a kid who always wears hats has been smiling at her BFF. It wasn’t revolutionary stuff, but she was relaxed enough to just talk off the cuff a little. We didn’t have a schedule that week, my husband was off work, the little kids played in another room, I wasn’t on deadline, so we were one on one and just let our guards down and talked. When I was my daughter’s age, my mom made cookies with me, so there’s a natural peace, a relaxed state that kicks in when I’m explaining how to level the our and crack the eggs into a separate bowl.
Some kids process externally, while others keep their thoughts close. The same goes for parents, so an awareness of what stage of the train-car play you’re all in can bring real clarity. It may be time to back off—or it might be time to consider ways to be more open.
A friend of mine describes walking into her childhood house after school. Her father, a single dad who worked as a professor, would be at his desk. He’d say hello, continue working, and she’d settle into her own routine. There wasn’t an either/or. He wasn’t engaged with her or not. He was consistently there. The predictable atmosphere in their house, even if he didn’t drop everything when she walked in the door, steadies her to this day. There are more ways to connect than just questions and answers. I was doing more than I could realize, lulling my little baby to sleep.
We have 18 years together. Whether I’m conscious of it or not, what’s authentic about me is rubbing off on them. “You’re continually re-meeting your child,” a mom of girls in their 20s told me.
So, I can release the pressure of trying to get the whole story after school today. Relationships are magnetic, messy, variable, and the best ones— like the ones with our children—are quite long.
RELATIONSHIP BUILDERS
New and local things to try together.
BY JENNIFER ASHTON RYAN
Purple Twig Community Center of La Cañada Flintridge
BETTER TOGETHER
> “Spending quality time with your child, away from the bustle of home life, strengthens the bond between the two of you,” says PURPLE TWIG (purpletwig. com)owner Samara Caughey. The Eagle Rock art studio offers classes for all ages, including parent-child sessions for children up to 5 years old. Classes are process oriented, meaning children’s exploration of materials such as clay, glue, wood, and fabric is the point, more than a perfect nished prod-
uct. At the COMMUNITY CENTER OF LA CAÑADA FLINTRIDGE (cclcf.org), Parent & Me ceramics classes for ages 3 to 7 focus on problem solving through learning coil, pinch, and slab techniques with their caregiver. Everyone goes home with pots and sculptures fully glazed, red in the community center’s kiln.
MAKE A DATE
> Among the delights of childhood is going out for dessert, and there’s a new, family-owned café to try on Honolulu Ave. in Montrose. “Our Toast Towers are topped high with ice cream, fruit, and other toppings, inspired by the combinations of fl avors we ate growing up, and presented in a way that would bring everyone to the table to share with one another,” says Toasted owner Claudine Thomassians. For kids and grown-ups with the biggest sweet tooth, the Chocoholic tower is made with chocolate ice cream, marshmallows, bananas, and Oreos. For a lighter treat, there’s Sa ron & Rose with pistachios and blueberries. The café also serves soup, sandwiches, and co ee. toastedcafemontrose.com
HERE’S THE DEAL
> In April, Chronicle Books and Ridley’s Games will release two fun, easy-to-learn card games to play with the family. To win the strategy game Top Dogs ($12), players age 6 and up must collect the most treats. Puzzle game Cleocatra ($19) challenges players age 10 and up to fi nd the pharaoh’s cats, who have wandered into the pyramids. Once the base game has been mastered, level up to the advanced rules to unlock additional cat powers and mummy cats. chroniclebooks.com
ASK THE EXPERT
YURI GENYK, MD
KECK MEDICINE OF USC
What’s the top piece of advice you would give to a patient who needs liver or kidney transplantation?
If you need a liver or kidney transplant, ask for help! There uncomfortable to ask, but your friends and family care about have been surprised at how eager their friends and family are to P
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The most important advantage is getting an organ transplant donors, patients on the waitlist have to wait for a long time That means your body will be better able to handle the stress
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If you are considering donating your liver or kidney, contact our time to learn about every aspect of organ donation and decide have counselors to make sure you’re emotionally ready for A to donate by our team, and if you feel it is not right for you, you That’s just not a good answer for most people; they tend to give registered dietitians, talk about long-term lifestyle changes—we motivation they have ever had to get in good shape, and even
Why do people talk about the volume of a surgery program? How important is it?
S a transplant program is the number of procedures it performs Our program at the USC Transplant Institute has performed over 400 liver and over 600 kidney living donor transplants in A A experienced—not just the surgeons, but the medical doctors, the
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That is very common perception, but you can trust our medical A 0
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