USD $4.00
Uncle Smiley’s Inc. Louisville, KY 40245 www.unclesmileys.com (502) 245-2197
Four Š 2008 Drink Four Brewing Co. Chicago, Illinois
www.drinkfour.com
The Famous New England Beer - Since 1890
fT \PZT fPcTa QTccTa
4]TaVh fXcW^dc cWT Qd[[ X]UdbTS ^fPcTa fXcW RPUUTX]T
X]UdbTS ^fPcTa Xb bX\_[T ?daT fPcTa _da_^bTUd[ T]WP]RT\T]cb P]S Ydbc cWT aXVWc P\^d]c ^U bfTTc]Tbb 8c Xb P fPcTa SaX]ZTa·b R[TPa P[cTa]PcXeT c^ bdVPa [^PSTS eXcP\X] P]S b_^acb SaX]Zb X]UdbTS ^fPcTa Xb ]PcdaP[[h X]UdbTS fXcW aT_[T]XbWX]V T[TRca^[hcTb aTeXcP[XiX]V P]cX^gXSP]cb ^a T]TaVXiX]V ]PcdaP[ RPUUTX]T FT PSS P c^dRW ^U _daT RP]T bdVPa c^ WTXVWcT] cWT ]PcdaP[ UadXc U[Pe^a 4PRW Q^cc[T ST[XeTab P] W^]Tbc caTPc fXcW cWT WTP[cWh aTUaTbW\T]c ^U fPcTa 4[TRca^[hcT P]cX^gXSP]c ^a T]TaVh T]WP]RTS & RP[^aXTb _Ta Q^cc[T ]PcdaP[ X]VaTSXT]cb BfTTcT]TS fXcW _daT RP]T bdVPa =^ R^[^aX]V 1aXVWc ]PcdaP[ UadXc U[Pe^ab D]X`dT RW^XRTb
A word from Lookner Weiss (LZW ’99-62), the world’s oldest living Lampoon graduate: Greetings, readers. Welcome to the Lampoon. If the magazine has retained its cultural prominence from when I was a member, then I imagine that there are very close to a million of you, and that this copy of the magazine, along with thousands of others, was dropped over your city from an airplane by the government. However, I must assume the way you read the magazine is much different than the “lefty-righty lookylook” style to which we were accustomed. Perhaps you are reading these words as they crawl upward on a blue screen, dancing and flashing different colors. Perhaps this magazine is projected onto the sky, and the pages are turned by popular vote. But I digress: I’m not here to talk about magazine technology. I’m here to tell you a little bit about the history of the Lampoon. Firstly, the Lampoon didn’t become a comedy magazine until 1933; before that, we were a quarterly science journal. Then the laws changed, and we had to pretend that all of our publications associating Chinese eye folds with brain damage were some kind of joke. Thirty years of research. We might as well have burned it. As the world around us grew ever more sensitive, we were later forced to edit many of our famous jokes in subsequent “Lampy’s Greatest Hits” issues, including the following: Barber: Like a haircut, sir? Fop: Actually, I’d like them all cut. Frightened Pickaninny: Mah Lo’d but I do buh-leeve I has seed a ghos’! The Lampoon was also first to publish, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” which at the time people understood to be a joke about white flight. By the way, both of those pieces were written by George Santayana, a great man of letters and an even better friend. But the changes didn’t stop with the pages of the magazine: in 1941, we
6
The Harvard Lampoon
were forcibly compelled by the police to elect our first black staff member. Now, the process of integrating a traditionally white organization, and the emotions involved, might be difficult to explain to modern readers. Try then, if you will, to imagine this: you’re on the beach, enjoying a picnic with your family. Then, all of a sudden, you start to sink very slowly into the sand. First your legs disappear, then your torso, then finally your head. Sand pours into your mouth and nostrils until you can feel it shifting around inside you, filling up your lungs, flooding your vital organs and slowly shutting them down until you die without even knowing why. That is more or less what it was like to be on staff with a black person. And don’t get me started on the first Jew! Actually, he was hilarious and a pretty strong contributor to the overall “atmosphere.” Of course, I realize that things have changed since my day. I was recently informed that one of the staff artists is a young Oriental woman. Bully! Bully for you, Madame! I assume “Madame” is the proper form of address these days, but please inform me if the preferred nomenclature is still “she-dink.” I shall close with my last memory of my time on the Lampoon: John Updike’s graduation day, held as a special ceremony by the University on July 4, 1955. We were all celebrating in a reception at Hohenschwangau (our name for the Castle in those days), when I suddenly realized that Updike was nowhere to be found. After searching four of the five underground pleasure chambers, I finally found him in the Ice Room, which we used at the time to store meat and produce the magazine. He was pacing back and forth anxiously, his face contorted with a frustrated rage, his hands dribbling the basketball that would one day be made famous on the cover of Rabbit, Run. “Hoyer,” I said (His middle name was Hoyer, but I had also mistaken him for my friend Hoyer). “Why the long face?” This was a little joke between the two of us; Updike had a face that was very short in this weird way. Updike carefully dropped the ball into a peach basket, inventing basketball as we know it today. Then he walked over, bent down (he was over seven feet tall) and whispered in my ear, “When I die, tell the world that all my books were written by the genie. Tell them the truth. Then destroy the lamp forever.” And just like that, he was gone. He actually disappeared right in front of me. And I haven’t seen him since, except at a couple of reunions and at his wedding. Last but not least, thank you, Lampoon, for coming to my apartment door and allowing me the pleasure of this interview. I’d been stuck under that rotting pile of newspapers and hamburger meat so long, I was beginning to think I’d never get out!
Get Off My Lawn #
7
September 2008
Vol. CXCVII, No. 6
board of editors Robert I. Padnick ’09, President Christopher R. Schleicher ’09, President Matthew K. Grzecki ’10, Ibis Emmet F. McDermott ’09, Narthex S. M. Christmas ’07-’08 J. A. Powers ’08 M. E. Boyle ’08 H. H. Davenport ’08-’09 J. S. Gruszecki ’09 J. G. Hurwitz ’07-’08
J. T. Lu ’08 A. Mitra ’08 R. R. Rojer ’09-’10 G.M. Schabb ’09 J. L. Fleischer ’10 A. S. Goldfeder ’10
Nathaniel H. Stein ’10, Librarinave William B. Bailey ’08, Sackbut Natalie C. Jacoby ’10, Hautbois Kate Sweeney ’10, Hautbois John B. Owen ’10, Sanctum Kevin P. Bartley ’10-’11, Sanctum Daniel N. Ashwood ’10, Blot business board Michael B. Hess ’09, Treasurer Samuel W. Teller ’08-’09, Business Manager Alexander A. Taubman ’09, Advertising Manager Alexander M. Rohr ’11, Circulation Manager Ross E. Arbes ’08, Vanitas J. A. Kobza ’08 M. C. Bartels ’09 P. M. de A. V. F. de Moura ’09-’11 E. R. Sherrill ’08 M. C. Allison ’09
Elmer W. Green, 1897-1977, Grand Curator Joseph F. Hickey, Curator ISSUE EDITOR
H. H. Davenport ’08-’09 LAYOUT & GRAPHIX G. M. Robertson-Dworet ’07-’09 The Harvard Lampoon is published five times during the academic year by The Harvard Lampoon Inc. Principal office 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. Third-class postage paid at Cambridge, MA. U.S. subscription: $20 for five issues, $35 for ten, $50 for fifteen. Overseas subscriptions: call for rates. You will get an answer that is made up. Postmaster: send address changes to Harvard Lampoon, 44 Bow Street, Cambridge, MA 02138. © 2008 Harvard Lampoon Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction in any form without written permission is prohibited. Phone: (617) 495-7801. Fax: (617) 495-1668. URL: http://www.harvardlampoon.com. The Harvard Lampoon does not print unsolicited manuscripts. The Lampoon is a registered trademark of The Harvard Lampoon, Inc.
8
The Harvard Lampoon
Welcome to Noble Horizons, a place by and for seniors who just aren’t ready to stop having fun! This is a care community, not a rest home, and there’ll be no rest for you with all the activities we’ve got planned! You see, at Noble Horizons, we believe that just because you’re losing your sense of touch doesn’t mean you can’t still contribute to society in meaningful ways. For example, the men and ladies in that field over there are collecting rocks to return to the ocean. Those women in the gazebo are busy thinking about church. And these distinguished-looking gentlemen over here are the Fart Police! Good day, officers! Worried about those old aches and pains? Sitting down and standing up so slowly that it is no longer “worth it” to do either of those things? At Noble Horizons, you won’t be a slave to your rickety bones any longer...not after our team of resident scientists figures out how to replace all of our body parts one by one, that is! Don’t believe us? Did I mention that many of them are the same scientists who, in 1937, almost invented the gravity shield? Down a dirt path, behind the tiny lighthouse, you’ll find the jewel of Noble Horizons: beautiful Lake Aquaviz. Go ahead, take a sip—delicious, refreshing Moxie! After a quick solubility test, you’ll be all set to try all of our pool amenities, including hundreds of rubber caps with plastic daisies on them and “The Blob,” an enormous inflatable raft for you to imagine a younger version of yourself jumping into. Hold your nose! At Noble Horizons, we’ll make sure you experience everything left on your “Bucket List,” a term originally invented by a resident of this community in reference to a list of names he kept of his dead friends. You’ll see a real horse and finally understand what Frederick Remington was so excited about. You’ll know what it feels like to hold your own poop in your hand. And most importantly of all, when your time is up, you’ll pass on in the most dignified way possible: by being shot into space and starving to death. So pack your bags and shuffle your shrunk-up self to Noble Horizons! Don’t forget your hat with the ship you served on in the Navy stitched onto it!
Jenny Fairservis, Vice-President of Public Relations, Noble Horizons Get Off My Lawn #
9
CORPORATE STRATEGY MEETING Under Armour Headquarters - So how do people feel about this? - Hold on, sir, can we just go over one more time: Heat Gear® is for hot weather? Or it keeps you hot in cold weather? - What do you think Heat Gear® does? - Well, first I was thinking it’s for hot weather, like I think that’s what everyone thinks at first. But then I thought, and maybe I shouldn’t have been thinking this much, that maybe it keeps you hot in cold weather? I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know what Heat refers to, whether it’s the weather or your body. - What the hell do you think it refers to? - Well see that’s kind of my main problem. Because if it refers to the weather, that makes sense because you always hear people saying “Oh it’s gonna be a hot one today,” like talking about the weather. But then if it refers to your own body, that makes sense too, like “I’m really hot coach” or “Heat stroke” or “Heat of the battle,” which could actually go either way. - Wow. - And then I got to thinking that it probably refers to the body, because like you know how you’re always saying “Think about the customer” and “The customer always comes first”? So along those personal lines, my thinking was what’s more personal, your body or the weather? And I think everyone here knows the answer to that! - … - What? Why are you making a face? It’s the body, right? Is it not the body? Am I totally off? MKG
10
The Harvard Lampoon
A
TIME
TO
DIE
Gerald: I think it’s time, Doc. Vet: Well, yes it is. Sparky is due for his rabies shot. Gerald: No, not the rabies shot. Vet: The canine leukemia shot? Gerald: We need to put him down. Vet: But your dog— he’s only 4 years old. And so healthy. Gerald: He’s seen better days. Vet: I don’t know that I can do this in good conscience. Your dog could be winning dog shows. He could be one of those TV dogs. He is amazing. Sparky: [looks up from his copy of The Count of Monte Cristo] Arf! Gerald: Listen, Doc. I’m going to level with you. Vet: Please do. Gerald: I’m not long for this world. The doctors say I’ve only got a couple months. Vet: Oh jeez. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize— Gerald: Yeah, well... I’m not going to be able to take care of Sparky after I’m gone. Vet: Don’t you have any friends or relatives that could? Gerald: I’m not sure Sparky would take to them. He hates strangers. Sparky: [completing a puzzle with two babies] Arf! Arf! Vet: When I became a vet, I took an oath to protect animals. I can’t just— Gerald: I need you to kill my dog. Vet: But... but... you’re sure you’re going to die? Gerald: Pretty sure. Vet: [filling needle with poison] What a waste... Gerald: I’m afraid he’ll try to eat me after I die. CRS
Get Off My Lawn #
11
doctor in the house Woman: Help! Help! This man fell off the stage! Is there a doctor in the house? Doctor: I’m a doctor. Well, a horse doctor, but it’s essentially the same principles. Woman: Can you help this man? Doctor: That depends. Is it a racer or a breeder? Woman: It? Doctor: [chuckling] Old horse doctor joke. Woman: I’m not sure I… Doctor: We only treat racers. Woman: Doctor, this man is unconscious. What should we do? Doctor: Well first I need to check his age. Woman: He’s 40! Please take your fist out of his mouth. He’s 40 years old. Doctor: That’s pretty old. Are you sure you wouldn’t just rather... [makes slicing motion across neck] Woman: Oh my God. His leg. There’s a bone sticking out. Doctor: Broken leg. Damn it. I hate this part of the job. [cocks pistol and slowly raises it] Woman: Please don’t! This man... he has a family! Doctor: [shaking head] When it breaks a leg, you have no other option. Doctor in the House: A Spin-Off Man: This horse is injured! Is there a doctor in the house? Doctor: I’m a doctor. Well, a human doctor, but it’s essentially the same principles. Man: This horse. He broke his leg. Can you help him? Doctor: [snapping glove] Turn its head and tell it to cough. 12
The Harvard Lampoon
CRS, AMG
When I was growing up, I bought a lot of fad items that I got tired of. This is what I do with them now:
Reebok Pumps: I use these for tennis and squash now that nobody plays basketball anymore.
Furbies: These I still use a lot, because I’m not actually talking about the toy Furbies but some hybrid mammalian bees that I invented.
Dinosaur Books: I guess these belong in a museum. Tamagotchis: I’ve actually grown to enjoy Tamagotchis more and more as I’ve gotten older. I include them here as the “exception that proves the rule.”
Silly Putty: Did you know that Silly Putty was created by accident during World War II? Anyway, I keep this because my son has Fragile-X and he likes how it feels. Trapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper! I hardly know her! I don’t have one of these, but if I did that’s what I would say. Beanie Babies: I sometimes pretend these are real animals, then put them all in a garbage bag and sit on it to watch TV. Get Off My Lawn #
HHD
13
During World War II, twenty-seven British soldiers escaped from a Nazi prison camp through a secret tunnel codenamed “Harry.” Unfortunately, this initially clever idea caused some unforeseen confusion during the escape: Captain: Andrews! We escape tonight. Alert the men and make certain that “Harry” is ready. Andrews: Actually, I’ve got Harry right here next to me. Harry: Hello, sir. Ready to go. Captain: This is not the “Harry” I meant. I want you to check on “Harry”… [leaning in] “Harry.” Understand? Andrews: Ah, “Harry.” Yes, sir. Right away, sir. [twenty minutes later] Andrews: To be honest, sir, I still don’t entirely understand which “Harry” you were referring to. So to cover all my bases I brought all the men I know named Harry here to speak with you. Harry 2: Hello, how can I be of service, sir? Harry 3: Harry, reporting for duty, Captain. Harry 4: Harry’s the name and escaping is my game. Harry 5: Please, sir, call me Harry. Harry 6: We’ll escape from these Nazis, or my name isn’t Harry! Harry 7: I spell my name with only one “r.” Harry 8: You rang for a Harry, sir? Harry 9: Private Harry Harrison here. Harry 10: Harry, ready for action. Harry 11: Hello, my name is Harry, and this is my brother, Harry. Harry 12: Sir. Harry 13: Good morning Captain, I’m Harry. Harry 14: The name’s Eric—middle name, Harry. That’s the name I go by. Harry 15: All set to go, sir. I’m Harry. Harry 16: No time for introductions, let’s escape! I’m Harry by the way. Harry 17: ‘Allo! I’m ‘arry! Harry 18: HARRY! HARRY! Sorry, I just wanted you to know my name…it’s Harry. Harry 19: Ditto. Harry 20: Sir, before we go through with this, I just want to say it’s been an honor for me. Me. Harry. Captain: Andrews, am I to understand that all of these men are named Harry? Andrews: Yes sir, it’s true. In fact, my name is also Harry. Harry Andrews. Captain: Want to hear something weird? My name is Harry. GMS, RIP, MKG
14
The Harvard Lampoon
N... ow that I am retired... I’ve had to think of new ways to spend my time: 1. I go eat lunch at my old work sometimes. “Hey Bill,” say my co-workers. “We thought you retired three months ago.” Well, tell that to the cashier who keeps taking my employee discounts! Keep in mind, she is deaf. 2. I try to sleep in, but since I’m so used to waking up early, I usually just lie in bed and make up a dream until I’m not sure if I’m awake or asleep. Sometimes I can’t fall back asleep at all. Then I go running. 3. I took a picture of my office, and cut it up into puzzle-shaped pieces. One day, I will complete this puzzle. 4. Since I can’t play company baseball, I usually go watch the games, right from the pitcher’s mound. I also wear my baseball glove, but only so that I can clap more easily. 5. I make myself scavenger hunts around the city. Conveniently, every item on the scavenger hunt is an item located in my house. They are all pens. 6. Since I no longer have a secretary, I treat Secretary’s Day like any other day.
JLF Get Off My Lawn #
15
Three blind mice ... Take back the White House and bring back good government. Work for SHARE and help Democratic candidates raise funds. SHARE manages telefundraising campaigns for many socially progressive organizations. • Get great benefits! • $10-15/hour on average! • Flexible full or part-time schedule! To be a part of the solution, contact Susan Santoian: Tel: (617) 629-4011 Or email: ssantoian@sharegroup.com
See how they run (our country).
CHENEY
BUSH
ROVE
EOE
My grandparents are always saying how they want us to come see them. Here’s their most recent Christmas letter:
JBO
16
The Harvard Lampoon
Get Off My Lawn #
17
18
The Harvard Lampoon
On a deathbed...
Grandfather: I love you, son. Man: I love you, dad. I love you so much. Please just stay with me. Grandfather: I want you to remember me by these final words. Man: Don’t talk like that! Please, everything will be fine— Grandfather: Chester! I’ve been holed up in this infirmary for one whole year now, and for one whole year I’ve thought about these words. Words to sum up a man’s life. Please. Heed your ailing papa. Man: Papa . . . okay. Of course I’ll listen. Grandfather: Come closer. Man: Okay. Grandfather: Put your ear to my lips. Man: Okay. Grandfather (whispering): A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Man: Go on. Grandfather: That’s it. Do you want me to repeat it? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Man: A bird in the hand— Grandfather: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. You’ve got it. Man: Like the expression. Grandfather: No. I came up with it. Man: It’s an expression. Grandfather: No it isn’t. Man: Yes it is. Grandfather: No it isn’t. (dies) RIP
Get Off My Lawn #
19
20 6
The Harvard Lampoon
Day Laborer Comix Panel 1: A bunch of migrant workers/day laborers standing on a street corner waiting for work, as a pickup truck rolls up. The workers are wearing torn clothes and have dusty faces (they do this every day). Panel 2: Five workers hop into the back of the pickup. Panel 3: A montage-esque panel where the workers (maybe in sombreros??) but now wearing basketball uniforms are doing wild basketball tricks…one is doing a two hand slam, another is behind the back passing, another is roaring like Kevin Garnett with his elbows out and arms flexed, another is taking a fade-away jumper, and the last one can also be dunking, but in a different really cool way. The pickup truck driver is their coach (he lookslike Stan Van Gundy?)! There are like magic sparkles or something spacey. Panel 4: The pickup truck is back at the street corner at the end of the day (perhaps this can be demonstrated with the position of the sun) and the driver is solemnly paying the workers in cash (a very small amount of money, maybe just $20 but this doesn’t matter so much!). SWT Senator Comix Panel 1: Two senators standing in the Senate chamber. One says to the other, “Good piece of legislation, Senator.” The second senator says, “Thanks.” Panel 2: The second senator from panel 1 looks furtively to the side to make sure he’s alone as he moves to an isolated connecting room Panel 3: A zipper is being pulled down vertically from the senator’s forehead as dozens of monkeys holding personal typewriters climb out of his “body.” The senator was just a disguise for a bunch of monkeys! Panel 4: Close up of a front page of a newspaper. The headline reads: MONKEYS GET THE VOTE! and there’s a photo of a bunch of monkeys dancing gleefully in the street or a monkey dropping a ballot into a ballot box because he now has the right to vote!
SWT CRS
Get Off My Lawn #
21
I’m pretty sure my wife works for the CIA. She’s always getting up at weird times in the night and asking me for rides to the CIA Headquarters.
MKG
22
The Harvard Lampoon
They say that youth is wasted on the young, but why does nobody ever say old age is wasted on the old? Those guys could die soon! I wouldn’t waste a compliment on those guys!!
HHD
Get Off My Lawn #
23
While being tested for doping agents, athletes are required to be watched while they urinate. Official: Hi there. My name’s Frank and I’ll be your watcher today. Athlete: [pissing] Uhhh... hi. Official: [peering closer] Wait a second, is that a fake dick? Athlete: No! This is my actual penis. Official: That’s… that’s a fake dick! Athlete: No. It’s my dick. Official: I can’t just take your word for it. They fell for that in Sydney. I like what you’ve done with the balls though. Athlete: Please don’t look at my balls. Official: We’re going to need to do the test. Athlete: There’s a test? A test for me or my… Official: Okay, what you’re going to need to do is… well, first of all get on your knees. Athlete: I have a race in an hour. Official: [crosses arms and gives athlete a stern look] Athlete: Okay, fine. Official: Put it in your palm… okay, good. Now let it fall, gently. Don’t just swoop your hand out from under there… Well, that looks normal. Athlete: Am I done here? Official: But then again, so did the notorious fake dicks of the Romanian gymnastics team after the swoop test. So… now I’m going to need you to slap your dick against the side of the toilet as hard as possible. Athlete: Won’t that hurt? Official: As hard as possible. Athlete: This is going to hurt, isn’t it? Official: Good. Okay, now which hand do you write with? Athlete: Uhh… my left hand. Why? Official: A lefty, eh? Okay, so that means counterclockwise. Athlete: Counter-clockwise? Official: Oh, I’m sorry. You’ll be doing the lasso. I see you’ve intuited what the lasso is. But no. Use the base as the fulcrum. Yes! Keep it spinning. Keeeeep spiiiiinnning. Athlete: Can I stop now? To be honest, I have some issues with this whole testing procedure. I feel you haven’t respected my rights as a— Official: Okay, you’re done! [tugs athlete’s penis twice] Honk honk! Athlete: … Official: Sorry, that was supposed to sound like a goose. CRS, AMG
24
The Harvard Lampoon
camera crew crew rushes rushes aa minivan... minivan... camera Bobby Bobby Flay: Flay: Hi, Hi, Lisa. Lisa. II hear hear you you make make aa mean mean crab crab cake, cake, so…well so…well I'm I'm here to challenge you to a crab cake throwdown. here to challenge you to a crab cake throwdown. Lisa: Lisa: Wow. Wow. You're—you're You're—you're Bobby Bobby Flay…from Flay…from the the Food Food Network! Network! Bobby: Yeah. Bobby: Yeah. Lisa: Lisa: A A throwdown! throwdown! Wow! Wow! Me? Me? You You really really like like my my crab crab cakes? cakes? (silence) (silence) Bobby: Bobby: Lisa, Lisa, I'm I'm sorry. sorry. I...can't. I...can't. I'm I'm so so sorry, sorry, Lisa. Lisa. II can't can't do do this. this. Lisa: Lisa: What? What? Bobby: Bobby: They They drugged drugged me. me. Lisa: I don't...Bobby, are Lisa: I don't...Bobby, are you you okay? okay? You You just just dropped dropped your your spatula spatula and and tongs. tongs. Bobby: Bobby: I'm I'm supposed supposed to to lose, lose, Lisa, Lisa, but but II told told them them you you deserved deserved aa fair fair fight. fight. So, So, they they shot shot me me full full of of tranquilizers. tranquilizers. Lisa: Bobby? Lisa: Bobby? Bobby: Bobby: I'm I'm going going to to fall fall asleep asleep very very soon, soon, and I want you to catch me. and I want you to catch me. Lisa: Lisa: You're You're blocking blocking the the car car door, door, Bobby. Bobby. II can't get out until you move. can't get out until you move. Bobby: Bobby: When When you're you're ready, ready, just just put put your your arms arms out, out, and and I'll I'll fall fall into into them. them. Lisa: Lisa: What? What? I—I I—I can't can't do do that. that. You You have have to to get get out out of of the the way way first. first. Bobby: Bobby: (falling (falling over) over) Your Your crab crab cakes cakes are are some some of of the the most most delicious delicious things things I've I've ever ever eaten eaten in in my my entire entire life. life.
EFM EFM
Get Off My Lawn #
25
Showing a new girl around school.... Me: This high school isn’t just some teen movie high school, where every table has a different clique. New Girl: So I can sit with those girls over there, right? Me: Technically, yeah. But I wouldn’t. New Girl: Why not? Me: Well, the table is right under the window. I mean, that’s really bad because…my point is, all those kids have melanoma. New Girl: Huh. Well, what about that corner table? The one with all the laughing kids. Me: They’re not laughing. They’re…they’re doing homework. New Girl: They look like they’re laughing. Me: God, they love homework so much, it’s sickening. New Girl: Oh. What about the table next to them? Can I sit there? Me: Well you could, I guess, but—see the salt that girl is putting on her food? The salt that looks suspiciously like cocaine? New Girl: Yeah? Me: (sigh). Fine, that’s salt. Look, there’s a table right here, let’s just sit. New Girl: So you want to eat lunch just the two of us. (Pause) Me: I guess what I’m trying to say is, there’s the most popular guy in school. I think he wants to make us both prom queens. JLF
26
The Harvard Lampoon
Taking Care of My Parents Lately my parents have been worried about whether or not I'll take care of them when they get older. Me: Hey Dad. How was work? Dad: Not so good, buddy. I quit my job because I'm too old to make good decisions. Who will take care of me now? Me: Listen, Dad. I'm tired of these hypothetical role-playing exercises. We've gone through this one ten times already. Why don't you ask Mom to take care of you? Dad: Your mother and I split up, Paul. We knew you couldn't save us both. Me: What? What are you talking about? Dad: You can't do it, son! I know you think you can, but you don't have the strength! Now imagine if I had a stroke, and that were the last lesson I could ever give you. How will you preserve my dignity when you wash me in the tub? Me: Wait a second. This is another exercise. It has to be an exercise. Dad: Do you see your mother here, Paul? Me: No...I guess not. Dad: Me neither. I can't see anything! Who will tell me what's happening on TV? Me: I don't have time for the blind scenario, Dad. I have baseball practice. Dad: Great. Oh, great. Now I have to ask your mother and her perfect eyes. Mom: Paul, I need you to help me with the laundry this afternoon. Here it is. Me: These look like a bunch of nightgowns with baby food spilled all over them. Where did these come from? Mom: It's for when I'm too old to take care of myself, Paul. If you don't learn now to clean foodrobes now, how can I teach you later? By spilling food, the only way I know how to show love? Now that I'm basically dead. Me: This is crazy. I'm going to my room to lie down. Mom: But what if your blanket has pee on it? Or your set of pee sheets? You should probably clean them up first. You'll need an expert to teach you, before she loses it for good. Me: Fine, Mom. Give me the laundry. Mom: Thank you, son. What a kid. What a kid we made together. Me: We? Who are you talking to? Mom: I'm talking to my vagina, like an old person would. It's up to you to stop me.
Get Off My Lawn #
27
TEN31 P R O D U C T I O N S
Living Art For Special Events
Visit our website to see all of our creations at wemakepretend .com
For more info call 401.725.1031
No need to “misremember� the drugs hormone free; antibiotic free meats
71 mount auburn street cambridge
for locations & to order online, boloco.com
At Active.com, you can search and register for thousands of races, tournaments, leagues, and other activities. Plus, find training plans, read tips, and connect with other active nuts like you.
WHAT YOU WEAR IS UP TO YOU. Things to Do Near You Beach to Beach 5K Run Marblehead, MA May 18, 2008 Battle of Bunker Hill Road Race Boston, MA June 15, 2008 2nd Annual Summer Harbor Cruise for MS Boston, MA July 10, 2008 Around the Crease Lacrosse Elite Overnight Clinic Find thousands more at Boston, MA July 14-16, 2008
Now Hiring! Join the active team.
www.ActiveNetwork.com
Boston Lobsters Harvard 16, 18 Level 7 Boston, MA (USTA Members Only) July 18-20, 2008 Crimson Football Camp 2008 Boston, MA July 12-15, 2008 Skate Boston 2008 Cambridge, MA August 1-3, 2008 Ollie Road Race Boston, MA September 6, 2008
www.active.com
Old Man: [sighs] Therapist: So John, tell me what’s bothering you. Old Man: I just feel so old, so disconnected from the young people of the world today. No matter what I try to say, they don’t listen to me. It’s almost as if I’m trying to speak to them through some invisible boundary that separates the generations. Therapist: Please, tell me more about this boundary. Do you think it’s a psychological boundary that you have created in your own mind? Old Man: I’d say it’s more physical than psychological. Also, it fogs up when I speak too close to it. Therapist: John, are you referring to the front window of your house? Old Man:...Why, yes. Yes I am. GMS
Spanky: Listen, Alfalfa. There's only one way to get into the He-Man Woman Haters' Club. Alfalfa: I'll do anything. Spanky: First, you need to prove that you— (The back of Alfalfa's hair pops up, making a loud boing sound) Spanky: What was that? Alfalfa: Nothing. Spanky: This is just a big joke to you, isn't it? Buckwheat, get in here. Alfalfa: Honestly, no I— Spanky: This meeting is over. EFM
32
The Harvard Lampoon
- Mind helping me with this fiendish sudoku? - Not a problem. Let’s see . . . you can put a 9 there. - Here? I can’t because of this other 9 here. - Sure you can. Just write it. - I can’t do that. It’s against the rules. - What are you talking about? Just put a 9 there. No big deal. - You can’t do that if there’s already a 9 in the same column or row or grid. - Says who? I can do that. I have done that, many times. - What kind of sudoku have you been playing? - This kind. Where you write numbers in boxes. - Okay, well how do you decide what number to put? - I don’t know. I just do it. Like if I want to put a 9 then I’ll put down a 9. No big deal. - But that’s not a challenge. - Who said anything about a challenge? It’s fun. It’s just me having a fun time. - It’s not fun if you can put down anything. - That’s what makes it fun, putting down anything. You wouldn’t understand. - Oh I wouldn’t understand? - Yeah, you wouldn’t understand! Okay? You wouldn’t get it! I mean, look at you. You’ve got everything. You’ve got your wife and your kids and your good job, and you’ve got all this happiness. But me, and my life, aren’t like that. I’m still trying to find my way. You know? I’m still trying to get mine. So I don’t think it’s such a big deal if from time to time I want to open up a sudoku book and put numbers in boxes, and whatever numbers I want, and however many I want of them. You know? An 8 with an 8. A bunch of 2s. It doesn’t matter! All that matters is that I choose, me and no man else. And when I’m there, in that moment, I feel like I can be more than me . . . more than who I am. That’s what you wouldn’t understand. - Is everything alright with you? - No, it isn’t. I fell and hit my head and now I’m a retard. RIP
Get Off My Lawn #
33
Nicolas Sanson (1600-1667) was the best geographer of his generation.
- Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Nicolas. - Hi. Maria. (long pause, awkward on both sides) - So…where are you from? - Well, I was born in Marseille, on the south bank. I don’t know if you know the area. - Oh sure. Did you live near the Palais du Pharo, down by the water? - Yes! I could see the water from my window! Wow, you really know the area. - So have you always lived there? - No, when I was 14 my father changed jobs so we moved to West Dumbartonshire, Scotland. - Which side of the River Leven did you live on? - Th- the north side. But wait—you know West Dumbartonshire too? Wow. - Do you still live there? - No. Right now – because of this research grant I got – I’m actually spending the year in this small village near the southernmost border between China and Laos. - Shaoshan? - But how…how did you know? The village…it- it’s so small. There are hardly any homes. There’s a lot of jungle. It’s mostly jungle. I- I don’t understand how you’re familiar with everywhere I’ve lived. - (in an exaggerated, deep voice) Because I’m a stalker! - What? - I’m just kidding. I know a lot of geography. MKG
34
The Harvard Lampoon
Hangman game in Communist China Child #1: Ok, here’s my hangman. ___ _____ ____ Child #2: A? Child #1: Aww man. ___ A ____. Child #2: Must be another vowel. E? Child#1: Ha, no E! Child#2: O? Child #1: …Fine. Fine. ____ A O. Child#2: Bao. Cao. Dao. Fao. Child #1: Fao. Dammit. (Child #1 and #2 are shot) JLF
In 1997, Elton John sang to a dead Princess Diana, “your candle burned out long before your legend ever will.” But here we are, 10 years later, and I have no clue who you are, Princess Diana! Your name leads me to believe you were some sort of monarch, but my gut tells me you were more like a British Queen Latifah. CRS
Get Off My Lawn #
35
If you want to kiss a girl, a really good place to do it is the movies. But that’s just the beginning of what you can do. Here are some other things: -
The Ever-Sweating Hand Elbow-to-Elbow Touchin’ on the Leg Folds Whispering “I love you so, so much” While Watching That Part of Revenge of the Sith Where Obi Wan Kenobi is Having a Lightsaber Fight With That Bad Robot - The Suddenly Out Penis - The Hungry Vagina (requires M&M’s) JBO
36
The Harvard Lampoon
Bullying Bully 1: Give me your lunch money! Bully 2: [simultaneously] Give me your lunch money! [both pause as they turn and look into each other’s eyes] Bully 1: Uhhh...this has never happened before. Bully 2: Sorry. I’m new here. Bully 1: Then...who gets the money? Bully 2: I guess the person who’s taller? Bully 1: We’re the exact same height. Bully 2: Maybe the one with the Korn t-shirt? Bully 1: [unzips sweatshirt] It appears we have a problem. Bully 2: You like Korn? I like Korn too! Bully 1: Hey...do you want to get lunch? Bully 2: Is this allowed? Bully 1: Maybe if we pay for each others’ lunches? Jonathan Davis, Lead Singer of Korn: WAAAAAAAA!!!! Bully 1: Are you Jonathan Davis, lead singer of Korn? Jonathan Davis, Lead Singer of Korn: You are both wrong. It is he who weighs the most (brings out scale). Fat Bully (Bully 3): It is always he who weighs the most.
CRS, JLF
Get Off My Lawn #
37
Do The White Thing Phineas: [holding phonograph blaring loudly] I WOULD LIKE TWO SLICES! Sal: No service until you turn off that insufferable ragtime. Phineas: SIR, I WOULD LIKE TWO SLICES PLEASE! Sal: Mister Phonograph Phineas, I can’t even hear myself think. You are disturbing me and you are disturbing my customers. [Sal reaches for his Mickey Mantle bat, but instead grabs a pen, and starts to write a strongly worded letter] Phineas: [stops turning crank] Two slices, extra cheese. Sal: Thank you for turning off your music. Phineas: No problem. I wasn’t aware it disturbed you so much. Mookie: Shoeshine, sir? Would you like a shoeshine? CRS
38
The Harvard Lampoon
THE FOUNDER OF CLASSMATES.COM AT HIS HIGH SCHOOL REUNION...
- Randy! Randy Conrads. It’s so nice to see you again. This is my husband Jeff. - WHAT!!? YOU MARRIED HIM?!?! - I did. Our wedding was three years ago. - AND KIDS?!!??? ANY KIDS???! YOU HAVE HOW MANY KIDS??!!! - No kids yet. Just us for now. [silence] - HEY. I STILL HAVE THAT THING. THAT THING I HAD BACK WHEN WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL?!!?! - Yes. Yes, you do. It seems a little better, though. - IT’S FROM A LESION ON MY BRAIN. - I remember that. - THE LESION IS GETTING BIGGER. JBO
Get Off My Lawn #
27
40
The Harvard Lampoon
- Shit, dude. You have to promise me something. On our friendship. - Okay. - Promise me that if I ever get, like, a certain kind of old, you’ll kill me. - What do you mean? - You know—old. Like if I have a cane or something. - You want me to kill you if you have a cane? - Yeah, dude. Just put me the fuck out of my misery. - Oh, come on. - Or if I have a walker! If I ever have a walker, I want you to shoot me in the face. Please. Shoot me right in the fucking face and let me bleed to death. - Matt— - I’m serious, dude! If I get that far gone, I don’t want to be alive. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t consider it “living” at all. - Matt, listen. You don’t have to worry about any of that. You and I met on a German cannibalism message board. You asked me to cut off parts of your body and eat them with you. Then you asked me to kill you. I promise you this: I am never going to let you get old. - …Oh, yeah! Jesus Christ…I can’t believe I forgot something like that. - It’s probably all the painkillers. Here, try some of your penis. JBO
Get Off My Lawn #
41
TRUE LOVE COMIX - CRS / SMC
FIFTH GRADE POWER SHIFT - JBO / KS
I’ve met plenty of so-called “civil war buffs,” but not one of them ever has any idea what to do when a civil war actually happens.
NHS
42
The Harvard Lampoon
• Tuesday:
Trivia
• Wednesday: Karaoke • Thursday: • Friday:
Guitar Hero Lounge Music
• Saturday:
Live Bands ‘Til 2am No Cover!
Private Castle Rooms available - perfect for business functions and private parties.
350 Mass Ave., Cambridge, MA
(617) 577-9100 Located between CENTRAL SQUARE and MIT $3.00 Validated Parking in University Park Garage. (Some restrictions apply.)
*One chance per party of two or more persons. Valid during dinner Sunday through Wednesday nights, or weekend brunch. Must have valid College or Faculty ID.
Weekend Brunch $7.99 - $11.99
www.ClassicIrish.com
GOURMET GIFT CAKES FOR ANY OCCASION! B a k e M e AW i s h . c o m Each gift cake includes a personalized greeting card, Belgian chocolate plaque and gift box!
bove: Tiramisu Classico with Happy Birthday Occasion
Strawberry Shortcake with Mother’s Day Occasion
BAKE ME A WISH! S AV E 1 0 % Use Discount Code
HLSPRING08
Over night Deliver y Nationwide
Va l i d o n I n t e r n e t O r d e r s O n l y, E x p i r e s 5 / 3 1 / 0 8 .
A Po r t i o n O f E a c h O r d e r I s D o n a t e d To
Call Us About Our Corporate Gifting Programs! 888 * YUR * WISH
w w w. B a k e M e AW i s h . c o m
Ma Lampy sits down to write her last will and testament, and leaves her secret treasure to her eight new grandchildren: Caroline Cochin de Billy ’09, Aaron Martin Geary ’10, Samuel Henry Lemberg ’10, Kyle Michael Mack ’10, Caitlin Alexandra Meares ’10, Anna Hallie Podolsky ’10, Yi Cai ’11, and Lillian Yu ’11. Uncredited Art: Geographer: SMC Diana: NCJ Movie Lovin’: SHL White Thing: KS Classmates.com: KS Civil War: SMC HHD thanks: MKG, AAT, JAD, NCJ, NHS, ERS&REA, JFH&TEC&TWB&ER, and GMRD ’07, who agreed to lay out this issue for the very reasonable price of five thousand dollars.
Get Off My Lawn #
47
The experience here is intoxicating, and we’re not just talking about the drinks Enter a new realm where tastes, textures and aromas transcend the culinary sensations we know. Stretch your senses, expand your borders, activate the unexplored regions of your sensory system. Visit places you never knew you had.
Where senses are stirred. Never shaken. s WWW MANTRARESTAURANT COM s 4EMPLE 0LACE s "OSTON -!
^tà|x
^tç
cxÜáÉÇtÄ TvvxááÉÜ|xá 9 [ÉÅx WxvÉÜ
cÜxààç |à âÑ4 TvvxááÉÜ|éx çÉâÜ Ä|yx tà ãããA~tà|x~tçAvÉÅ E njoy f ree s h ipp ing !
WA R B U R G A H I G H E R S TA N D A R D S I N C E 1 8 9 6
R E A LT Y PA R T N E R S H I P LTD
Knowledge is key in the intricate world of New York City real estate. Our reputation rests on personal service and local expertise. Welcome to our neighborhood. For all of your New York City real estate needs, please contact:
Judith Lederer
212-439-5198 jlederer@warburgrealty.com
warburgrealty.com