Shana’s Story

Iwas born into a family where domestic abuse was prevalent on a day to day basis. South Asian communities were – and some still are – very patriarchal. Coercive control was programmed into us from a young age and physical violence and emotional abuse were normalised.

I ran away from home twice at 11 and 13, yet was let down by services and returned home to the abuse. I became involved in gangs – the culture and mindset was where I felt I most belonged. Although each of my six siblings, and my mother experienced domestic abuse, not all of them took the same path. Why was that?

I was forced into a marriage at the age of 17, because I was considered too ‘Westernised’. I was tricked into going to Bangladesh, and was abandoned there for over a year. When I returned to the UK, I plucked up the courage to leave my marriage. In the name of honour, my father tried to take my life because, in my culture, my father’s behaviour was acceptable, as women are seen as a possession of the man.

I fled, with an unborn child inside me, and was relocated by the police. Now I’d entered ‘the system’, I was fed a story that I was a victim, and reassured that I would be looked after.

I lacked confidence and self-worth, was shy and timid. Leaving the women’s refuge, I was rehoused and my first child was born. Yet whilst I focused on raising my child as a lone parent and put that unresolved trauma to one side, my experiences meant I was still vulnerable to predators.

I learnt how to drive, pushed into university, studied for an honours degree in business management and became president of my university student union. But I still yearned for the family that disowned me. I would visit my mother in secret, with my young child.

From the outside, it looked like my life had been transformed, but that unresolved trauma was still present.

In 2012, I was stalked online by someone who later became my abuser. I entered into this abusive relationship by myself, naive and without any question. My abuser used religion to control and coerce me and – although there were signs that the perpetrator had a history of abusive behaviour, stalking and violence – I didn’t notice the red flags. He was suicidal and never took personal responsibility for his behaviour. I felt responsible and justified his behaviour. I thought I could change him.

Giving him another ‘last chance’ saw me pressured into a second religious marriage. He used community pressure to trap me, while I became an expert in managing the abuse to protect my reputation. Shame, guilt and fear of blame consumed me.

Above: Shana Begum

He tried to take my life. I experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse and coercive control, but felt I couldn’t reach out to anyone due to the shame and stigma. Noone asked me, “is everything OK at home?” Instead, friends often commented that I should feel lucky, with comments like “which Muslim man would take on another man’s child?”

He tracked my phone, hacked into my emails and social media accounts. Any male friends were deleted from my phone contact list. I was forced to wear certain clothes. I was recorded, and these films used to blackmail me.

The cultural bias to domestic abuse was shocking. ‘Victim blaming’ was normalised. Two more children came from the abusive relationship, but I was often told that, as a mother of three, should stay. In 2017 I slowly took back control of my life. I slowly built my confidence. My abuser now abused other members of my family, because he’d lost control of me. I fled my home of 17 years, leaving everything behind. And, while I finally reported him to the police, I still couldn’t expose everything, because of the shame attached to domestic abuse.

We lost everything. Our home, friends, family, business – my children’s friends. Three innocent children entered ‘the system’.

But I’d been here before, and rejected the victim narrative, fighting and struggling for answers. I educated myself around domestic abuse and had time to reflect on past traumas.

Nobody had ever explained to me that it was domestic abuse. I didn’t understand the dynamics, or the cycle of abuse. I never knew there was a choice.

I turned my life around and my children re-built their lives in new schools. They stopped living in fear.

Traditional methods didn’t work for me – understanding myself and the cycle of domestic abuse helped me overcome it. Traditional methods of overcoming abuse are traumatising – they create codependency and disempower you.

So I developed a programme to help others in the community, the ‘Best Me’ programme. It uses neuro-linguistic and the Duluth Model to empower and educate people.

‘The system’ doesn’t understand domestic abuse from a victim’s point of view – especially domestic violence around certain cultures. I know first hand the justice system isn’t fit for purpose – it isn’t trauma-informed, it’s underfunded, overstretched and out-of-date.

My method was to take personal responsibility for my life and everything that’s happened, good and the bad. Then, only I had the power to influence my present and future.

Above: Shana Begum with Councillor T. Long

The ‘Best Me’ Programme

St Helens The Best Me runs transformational coaching and training online around domestic abuse and healthy relationships. We provide a range of self-help groups, training, one-to-one and group coaching in a safe space, working with both individuals and organisations. Alongside the work we do supporting women and men living with domestic abuse, we help raise awareness and create more trauma informed society.

With more than 25 years of lived experience, we help increase awareness and influence policy. We help others understand what to do if they spot domestic abuse. Founder Shana Begum is a SafeLives Drive Pioneer, and has won awards for her grassroots work in the community, raising awareness around domestic abuse, helping others free themselves from abuse and those who perpetrate domestic abuse. St Helens The Best Me has delivered training to nearly 800 people, across the UK and overseas in Bangladesh, India and parts of Africa.

We work with individuals, community groups, local authorities and NGOs. For more information on the ‘Best Me’ programme, please contact us at:

bestme2020@icloud.com.

Our four core programmes to create permanent change, with a network and WhatsApp support group of more than 100+ women. Our national award winner is a twelve-week programme based around the bespoke and specific needs of the small group we work with. We align the course to meet the needs of the audience, covering content like: • healthy relationships • brain science • behaviour change • self esteem and self worth • building confidence • emotional regulation • coercive control

The Best Me course has an audience of both women AND men, with a personalised mission for each attendee.

2. EMPOWERING WOMEN – GROUP COACHING

Our women-only group coaching is run alongside a holistic therapist, to address personal experiences and challenges. It provides a peer support group for attendees, and can be accessed both online and off.

Empowering women focuses on issues like post-traumatic growth and resilience.

3. EMPOWERING YOUNG PEOPLE

We know young people go to peers for support. This sixweek course supports young people to become more selfaware. We work with and in community centres, schools and local authorities, to help young people get ready for the new school year. Whether you’re just starting at secondary school or heading back after a long break, this course – delivered by our young volunteers – focuses on: • confidence building • identifying emotions • healthy relationships We use feedback from participants to continually improve this course, and help young people measure and track how they’re feeling during the process.

4.TRAINING FOR PROFESSIONALS

AND SOCIAL WORKERS

Our trauma informed approach shares years of lived experience with professionals and social work teams. Following the ‘do no harm’ code, we share vital lived experience of domestic abuse, to help social workers better understand the issues around abuse, its causes and repercussions.

Contact us at: bestme2020@icloud.com for more information about any of our courses

TESTIMONIALS FROM PROGRAMME ATTENDEES “Shana is a remarkable, courageous positive role model to all.” “As a woman who lived at the more extreme marginalised ends of domestic abuse, Shana knows how important practice being grounded in the outcomes for survivors and their children is. This means acknowledging the ways they thrive and protect their children even in the most horrific abuse.”