Swamped by stuff

Lone Veiler on why marriage starts with God

Wedding Fairs - or “fayres” if you prefer - have a peculiar hold over me. On the one hand, I love the invitation cards, confetti, flowers, pretty dresses, and on the other I loathe the invitation cards, confetti, flowers, etc. From January onwards in my part of the world, adverts pop up all over the place for these marketplaces of matrimonial merchandise. Love hearts with the bride and groom's names on for favours? Check. Couture and not so couture backless (almost) frontless bridal gowns? Check. Ditto for the adult bridesmaids? Check. Wedding cars, photographers, wedding cakes, the all important perfect “venue” - a barn here, a hotel there, or beach abroad, the list is endless. And meaningless. I am unashamedly a wedding paraphernalia party pooper. It's not marriage, it's the stuff that swamps and undermines it.

Not that I have anything against the bride being queen for the day, or even the groom, bless him, having a look in and being prince consort; I object to the obscene amounts of money people believe they have to spend for the day to happen at all. It's not as if marriage is at the start of a beautiful life together. It's now after the rented flat, then the mortgage, and even the first child or two. It's when there is enough in the kitty to think about paying back the loan for the ultimate fantasy day. Although it seems ridiculous, the most popular magazine for finding out how it should be done properly, from September last year, totted it up to a cool £30,000 - yes, I kid you not. And that's not including the now also seemingly compulsory stag and hen weekends. Shudder.

It's completely understandable to want to have the most memorable and beautiful wedding day; having to spend a ludicrous amount of money not so much. I know several couples who 'can't afford' to get married, when what they mean is they haven't got at least ten grand. Of course, beautiful weddings can be economical, and I dare say, happen even before the moving- in-together-day, although that may make me seem judgemental and not journeying or accompanying enough. But I am biased. There is a right way to do things, a God given way, a way that doesn't get particularly positive secular air time or advertising (unless it's for the paraphernalia), a way that sends a couple on the most amazing adventure. And for Catholics, it starts with God, and hopefully moves on to Mass, Nuptial Mass. I am always amazed at how very profound and how very short the actual marrying bit of the wedding ceremony is. It's almost blink and you miss it. It makes so much sense that Mass is the first thing you do as a married couple, put God first, and whatever nightmares may await you in the married state, you can get through them with the Grace of God - whether you think you will or not. If you're both singing from the same order of service from the start, it gives you a boost for sure. The recent canonisations of St Thérèse of Lisieux's parents has given us married saints with great devotion, first to God, and then to each other, and offer us a great example of faith. Today, marrying after knowing one another a few months might be considered at the best, pretty irresponsible.

'Or is it just how we are made, made to want that one special person and have a family with them? I think there is an innate desire for commitment that's been twisted and warped almost out of recognition'

This way of doing things, even waiting for a few months, does swim against the tide of instant gratification. The idea of waiting for anything, be it as humble as internet connection, can send some folks into a flat spin. So, having to wait until you can afford to be married seems mindlessly stupid. In secular terms, of course it is. If you haven't God in your life, why on earth would you choose to wait? Which leads me to ponder what drives people to marry at all these days, because the media and celeb world tells you that The Party Is The Thing? Collective memory? Or is it just how we are made, made to want that one special person and have a family with them? I think there is an innate desire for commitment that's been twisted and warped almost out of recognition. It's seen to be the 'mature' thing to live together and see if you get on before you tie the knot, but I think it is the most tremendous shame. Marking the start of your live together with a profound ceremony means something. You can always have a great big party later, with invitations, favours, whatever, and cheaper, because it won't have the cynical mark up attached to the word “wedding”.

There are two wonderful weddings I love in two of my favourite books. The first is Jane Eyre to Mr Rochester. Yes, I even like the first failed attempt with the mad wife still in the attic. The second is of Wemmick to Miss Skiffins in Great Expectations. Why these particular two? Because they just get on with it. I'll leave the last word with Wemmick: "Here's a church! Let's go in!...Here's Miss Skiffins! Let's have a wedding."