28 Days to #RelationshipGoals A practical guide to strengthening your marriage and making your relationship more successful. by Becky Squire
Copyright Š 2017 by Becky Squire All rights reserved. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author. Disclaimer: This book does not provide marriage counseling. It is written for informational purposes only. This book only provides suggestions on how you can improve marriage and make your relationship more successful. For relationships that need more help, I recommend you consult with a licensed professional who is capable of providing advice and counseling specific to your situation.
Table of Contents
1. Hug for 5 minutes
15. Go beyond “I love you�
2. Cook their favorite meal
16. Initiate
3. Call and ask them on a date
17. Speak their love language
4. Join them in one of their favorite hobbies
18. Take a class together
5. Pray with your spouse 6. Hold hands 7. Put your spouse second 8. Kiss for 1 minute 9. Ask about their day, and LISTEN 10. Give them a sincere compliment 11. Make out 12. Serve together 13. Leave a love note 14. Surprise them
19. Have an attitude of gratitude 20. Turn back the clock 21. Gross out your kids 22. Work on yourself 23. Get out of town 24. LOL 25. Executive Council 26. Write a love letter 27. Celebrate your differences 28. Choose to love
Hug For 5 Minutes
The science of touching has intrigued researchers for decades. Touching a stranger invites trust and honesty. Imagine if you touched your spouse several times a day. They say the more you hug, the more trust you feel and the more honest you become with your feelings. Family therapist Virginia Satir said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” One can’t deny the benefits of hugging in marriage. When you hug your spouse, you’re communicating non-verbally. You are sending a message that you appreciate them; that you love and accept them, and that you will always be there for them. Challenge: Hug your spouse for 5 full minutes. Open yourself up to feeling the closeness of them.
Cook Their Favorite Meal
If you have kids, I would venture to guess that you mainly cook for them. As a self-proclaimed foodie, I absolutely love to try new dishes and cook up exotic entrees. But on the seldom occasion that happens, I am usually met with looks of disgust and plates full of cold food that have been long forgotten. And when I stick to pancakes or macaroni, I feel like mother of the year. This can result in my partner’s palette quietly wanting. He is usually satisfied with anything I throw together on a quick week night. But food speaks to men. And if you’re a husband reading this, give your wife a night off from cooking and win yourself some major brownie points. (Ooh-and make some brownies while you’re at it.) Challenge: Find out what your spouse’s favorite meal is and cook it up for them tonight! Make it special with nice place settings, candles, and a delicious dessert.
Call and Ask Them on a Date
Do you remember the good old days before texting or social media, when you actually had to call someone on the phone to get a hold of them? What? It’s true. Now, I’m not talking about your routine call to your spouse during the day like so many of us do, and then mentioning that you should have a date night soon. No. Make it special. Make it romantic. Create a plan ahead of time, even if it’s just dinner and a movie. Then, put on your flirty voice and call your spouse to ask them if they’d like to “go on a date” with you. Tell them what your plan is and what time you’ll pick them up. Bonus: walk them to their door and end with a rocking doorstep scene. Challenge: Call your spouse on the phone today and ask them out for this coming weekend.
Join in on Their Favorite Hobby
It is important in marriage to have your own hobbies and interests, and it’s okay not to enjoy the same things as your spouse. But one way you can draw closer to each other is by occasionally joining them in one of their favorite activities. For example, if your husband likes to golf, join him on the green! You might actually enjoy it. One of my favorite dates was chowing down on some Mexican food in the golf cart while watching my man perfect his golf swing. And if you don’t enjoy it, that’s okay too. Trying new things will create a bond between the both of you and probably some fun memories as well. Expressing interest in their passion will make them feel valued in your relationship. Challenge: Join your spouse in one of their favorite hobbies. Learn why it’s important to them and why they enjoy it.
Pray with Your Spouse
Every time you and your spouse pray separately for one another, great things happen in your relationship. Prayer is truly powerful. But when you pray together, that power increases tremendously, and so do the results. Prayer promotes unity. In marriage, you must mesh your dreams, desires, attitudes, assumptions, needs and habits with those of your spouse. Prayer can do that in such a sacred way. No matter what struggles a couple may go through, if they keep praying together, they can see things turn around. If you or your spouse feels uncomfortable or embarrassed praying out loud in front of the other, don't be discouraged. Ask God to teach you and your spouse how to pray together so you can have the marriage He wants you to have. Challenge: Start today! Kneel with your spouse and pray with them. Continue each and every day.
Hold Hands
Holding hands is an ordinary thing that we see and do every day. It can signify friendship, love, or intimacy. Yet this simple, commonplace behavior triggers chemical reactions in our minds that make us feel loved, happy, cared for, and respected. Think back to the first time you held hands with your spouse. Maybe it was your first date, maybe your tenth! (For me, it was before our first date.) Now try to remember the spark and excitement you felt as your fingers touched. As we discussed in “Day 1,” touch can be such a powerful thing. But as we become more and more comfortable with each other, handholding tends to become less frequent. If your marriage is in dire need of physical touch, start with the simple act of holding hands. Challenge: Take your partner’s hand. Move your fingers along theirs slowly and try to feel that original spark again.
Put Your Spouse Second
For a marriage to last and be happy and fulfilling, three parties need to be involved: the husband, the wife and the Lord. To have happy and successful marriages, we must put God first — even before our spouses. The family is God's ultimate design, his greatest creation. If we want to have the kind of marriages we are destined for, we must make God our highest priority. Marriages can't withstand the inevitable storms of life if we don't nurture them by following the principles God has given us. And consequently, this means putting our children third. This can be extremely controversial, so let me just say this: obviously, your children need immediate attention and nurturing, but the bottom line is your relationship with your spouse should come before your relationship with your children. And your relationship with God should come before all. Challenge: Reflect on your priorities. Ask God to strengthen your marriage, and He will.
Kiss For 1 Minute
Kissing is one of the first ways we connect intimately. After settling into the pattern of marriage and life together kissing may not be quite as frequent, but it is still just as important. Kissing is often one of the first things to go in marriage that is losing its passion. Think back to when you were engaged or first married. You probably spent hours kissing. How long do you spend kissing your spouse now? Kissing is crucial to the success of any marriage (a quick peck doesn’t count). Ignite that old spark by kissing like you used to. Take it slow and try to really connect with your partner. Remember, you're never too old for a good old-fashioned make-out session — it may even save your marriage or relationship. Challenge: As soon as you see your spouse, lean in for a nice, long kiss – at least 1 minute. If it sounds cheesy to you, just try it. It’s one of my favorite parts of my day!
Ask About Their Day and Listen
When you greet your spouse at the end of a long day, what is the first thing that you do? Nag? Hand over the kids? Ignore them? Maybe you robotically ask them about their day while you are scrolling through your phone. If you want to nurture your relationship, you need to connect with your partner. Perhaps they just need to vent, or share something exciting! Either way, give them your undivided attention. This means putting down your phone and your expectations. Show them that you care about what they have to say. Because you should! Challenge: When you greet your spouse at the end of the day, ask them about their day. Rid yourself of any distraction and truly listen to what they have to say.
Give Them a Sincere Compliment
Words of Affirmation is one of the 5 love languages. This is so important to many people but can be easily forgotten. You know how you feel about your spouse. You think they are smart, funny, good-looking, kind, and the list goes on. But when was the last time you told them? To make this even more meaningful, get specific. What is it about them that made you fall in love? What attributes have they acquired recently that you admire? Make a mental list (or even write them down) and share what you love most about them. Challenge: After you make that list, sit your partner down and look them in the eyes. Tell them in the sincerest way what makes them amazing!
Make-Out
By now, you should have shared an intimate (60 second) kiss with your spouse. And hopefully, there’s been more where that came from. Your 1-minute kiss is a perfect prelude to today. You are going to take it up a notch by pumping up the passion. A sweet kiss is good for the feelings of the heart, but a good make-out session is literally good for the beatings of the heart. It can open blood vessels which lowers pressure throughout the body. Plus, it burns more calories! Making out creates an emotional and physical connection with your partner. A strong marriage needs those connections. It’s important to make your partner feel wanted. In fact, it’s probably one of their basic needs. Challenge: Pursue passionate intimacy in your marriage – physically and emotionally – by making out with your partner.
Serve Together
One thing I write about a lot is putting God before your spouse. It’s a controversial subject, but I know there’s truth in it. The first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord thy God with all thy heart. And the second is to love thy neighbor. When you put these words into action, any argument or marital strain is forgotten. Serving together brings you closer together in every way. What can you do to serve together? There are endless options. My husband and I love to get our kids involved and find a project to do together. You could clean up your town, take treats to a lonely neighbor, or simply smile at everyone you see. For ideas in your area, check out JustServe.org Challenge: Find something you and your spouse (and maybe kids) can do together. Get outside and get serving!
Leave a Love Note
The power of words can go a long way, especially the written word. We live in a time where communication with our significant other is only a text away. So, creating a hand-written note is even more special. Love notes should be short and sweet. Grab a post-it or napkin and write what is in your heart. Write out one reason you love them or simply that you are thinking about them. Make it fun by hiding your love note. It will bring a little surprise to their heart and smile to their face. Give your romantic life a little spice by tucking a love note into an inconspicuous place where they are sure to find it that day. Challenge: Be creative and construct a short, yet thoughtful note for your partner.
Surprise Them
Have you and your spouse ever encountered “roommate syndrome?” It’s so easy to fall into the routine of life and realize that the romance has fizzled out of your relationship. It’s time to get that romance back. An excellent way to snap yourselves out of it is by surprising your spouse. Maybe there’s a small gift they’ve been hinting at, or a place they talk about wanting to visit. Getting out of your comfort zone is another great way to create that spark again. Or perhaps there’s a chore they have been dreading that you could get done for them. The possibilities are endless. We need to protect our marriages from the routine by injecting some fresh life into them. A little happy moment can go a long way to restoring that spark. Challenge: What is one way you could surprise your spouse? Big or small, make it happen!
Go Beyond “I Love You”
It’s very important to say “I Love You” to your spouse, but sometimes the most heartfelt phrase can become just a habit. In fact, it can become so routine that you may have accidently said it to an acquaintance or complete stranger. It may be time for you to go beyond those three significant words. What is it that you love about them? Why do you love those things? Find the deeper meaning to those words and what they mean to you. Your reasons will be genuine and sincere, I promise. And they will mean so much more to your spouse because they probably don’t hear those reasons very often. “I Love You” holds so much meaning, so take a few moments to dissect it and share it with your spouse. Challenge: Sit down with your spouse and describe what you feel for each other without saying the phrase, “I Love You.”
Initiate
Let’s talk about the obvious: Men think about sex. All. The. Time. Women think about everything else. All. The. Time. Don’t worry guys, we think about sex too, but it’s usually not at the forefront of our minds. Women also have a harder time getting in the mood. Our brains need to be clear and stress-free. All it takes is a little time and effort. Women, your husband will greatly appreciate the small gesture of preparing yourself to be intimate. When you initiate sex, it deeply comforts and affirms your husband. And men, when you initiate you must remember that it’s a process to get your wife there. Uttering the words, “Hey babe, you wanna?” isn’t going to cut it. But doing the dishes just might! Challenge: Take charge tonight and initiate! Think about what you can do to get yourself and your spouse in the mood.
Speak Their Love Language
Speaking another language is hard! Speaking another love language might be even harder. My husband’s love language is acts of service. Mine is quality time. For years, I naturally showed my husband that I loved him by just being with him. Well, that made me feel great but not so much him. However, when I clean out his office or make his favorite dinner, he feels loved. If you don’t know what your spouse’s love language is, you can take the quiz here. It doesn’t take very long and it really opens your eyes to how your partner wants to feel loved. Speaking different love languages is one of the main ways couples aren’t successfully communicating. It may not come naturally to do the things that make them feel loved. Do them anyway. If you love your spouse, their happiness should come first. Challenge: Take the quiz and find out how your spouse wants to feel loved. Then make a conscious effort to speak their love language!
Take a Class Together
If you feel like your relationship is stuck in the rut of the everyday routine, taking a class together can be a great way to spend quality time together in a new and exciting way. Taking a class with your partner is a great way to strengthen your bond as a couple. It will leave you with fun and unique memories that will last forever. The options are endless. You could learn something new or introduce your spouse to something you already like to do. There’s ceramics, painting, climbing, yoga, cooking, and much more. Whether you’re into adventure, relaxation, or learning a new skill, there’s surely a class for it. Challenge: Find a class the two of you would like to try together and sign up today! You can find one at a local college or the internet.
Have an Attitude of Gratitude
If you are content and even happy in your relationship, it’s easy to take it for granted. Our blessings are abundant but often forgotten. Don’t let your marriage fall through those cracks. It is so important to be grateful for your marriage every single day. Having an attitude of gratitude is a mindset and lifestyle choice that will drastically change your marriage for the better. Adopting an attitude of gratitude will automatically show through your actions. Focus on what you are grateful for and it will start to wash away any feelings of anger or resentment you may be holding on to. Instead, you will start to feel thankfulness and love in your relationship. Challenge: Start cultivating a habit of expressing your gratitude and appreciation to your spouse. Live today with an attitude of gratitude!
Turn Back the Clock
Every couple goes through stages in their relationship. The first stage is often full of passion, excitement, and attraction that draws you closer together. Then, the relationship tends to settle in and cool off after the demands and routines of life. This doesn’t have to happen to you. Your days of can’t-get-enoughof-each-other don’t have to end when you reach long-term relationship status. You just need to put in a little extra effort to get them back. Flirt, be playful and spontaneous. Take advantage of alone time by being present with your spouse instead of being distracted. Recreate your first date. Think back to the reasons you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. Soon, those feelings will come rushing back. Challenge: Remember how far you’ve come as a couple. Build on that by turning back the clock and re-kindling some of those feelings.
Gross Out Your Kids
One of my favorite times of day is when my husband walks in the door after work. My children and I are usually in the kitchen getting dinner ready and as soon as my husband walks in, he almost always wraps his arms around me and gives me a good long kiss. The kids cover their eyes while exclaiming “Ew!” or “Stop!” and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Parents who maintain a strong and passionate marriage despite the challenges of life will set a positive example to their kids. It shows that you can work through the inevitable ups and downs of marriage while strengthening it at the same time. This haven of security and well-being helps children to flourish. Children also develop a healthier sense of their own sexuality when they see love and appropriate affection displayed in the home. Challenge: Show off your love to your spouse by letting your kids see that you just can’t get enough of your spouse.
Work on Yourself
If you have been married for more than a year, you have probably wanted to change certain things about your spouse. Those things might be minor, or they might be things that could ultimately break your marriage. But one thing is for certain: you can’t change your spouse. You can only change yourself. That might include changing your own habits or simply the way you think. But when we want our marriage to thrive and flourish, we need to keep ourselves continuously growing as well. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t have anything left to give to your spouse. Working on yourself is never a selfish act – it is simply good stewardship of the only gift you have to offer to your spouse and others. Challenge: Ask yourself what your inner-self needs. Listen to that every day and keep changing yourself for the better.
Get Out of Town
To truly fortify your relationship with your partner, you need to make some memories together. The bond created through shared experiences is vital for healthy family relationships. When your marriage has inside jokes and meaningful memories, they bring you together better than anything. Giving your marriage a vacation will surely secure that bond. You might take an exotic excursion, or simply a two-hour road trip. Whatever your situation allows, you can find a way to escape and rekindle your relationship. Experiencing new adventures together will open your minds in new ways. As you begin to look up and notice the beauty of a new place, your brain is open to learning new things about your spouse. A vacation can help you re-discover each other and revitalize those feelings you had when you were first falling in love. Challenge: Start planning and start saving. Take that trip you always wanted or at the very least, get out of town for a few hours. And don’t forget to bring your spouse.
LOL
If you ask what people want in a future spouse, one of the answers will almost always be “someone with a sense of humor.” After all, we cannot really love someone with whom we never laugh. Gordon B. Hinckley said, “life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.” It's been said that we can't truly love another person if they don't laugh with us, or make us laugh. There are endless benefits to laughing. Couples who laugh together have a stronger bond, and can overcome the stresses and conflicts in their relationship. Laughing with your spouse can improve your relationship in the most enjoyable way possible. Laughing with your partner increases happiness, not just in your own life, but in the life you share together. The benefits to laughing are numerous, and the best part is that it’s free! Just hearing someone laugh can put you in a good mood and it’s all uphill from there. Challenge: Put away any inhibitions and get laughing with your spouse.
Executive Council
Once a week, me and my husband and kids congregate for the sole purpose of talking about family issues, weekly plans, and anything else we feel needs to be addressed. We call this our family council. Another council my husband and I hold is called the executive council. This is when my husband and I can talk about our personal relationship with each other. We can talk about more intimate things concerning any struggles, fears, goals, hopes, etc. Holding an executive council will give you and your spouse a feeling of importance and worth. It will continue to strengthen your marriage and protect against any problems or influences that may otherwise attack your most precious relationship. Challenge: Set apart a few minutes every week or as often as needed to talk about your marriage and family and how to make it better.
Write a Love Letter
Communication is so important in marriage, and there are many ways to accomplish it. One thing you have already done (if you’ve been taking each daily challenge) is writing a love note to your spouse. Today you will take it one step further and write your spouse a love letter. Writing love letters will leave a legacy that will last a lifetime. Perhaps your posterity will find them and discover the love you had for one another. They may be treasured for years to come. Love letters are a thoughtful way to show your spouse how adored they are, but you really don’t need to put too much thought into writing. Just find some quiet time and start writing exactly what is in your heart—the right words will come. Challenge: Be authentic and transparent and start writing a thoughtful love letter for your spouse.
Celebrate Your Differences
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Could I have started with a sentence any more cliché than that? Once you have lived with your significant other for a certain amount of time, you begin to see just how different the two of you are. But differences don’t have to be a bad thing. Dealing with differences can be a stepping stone to a happy and healthy relationship. Your differences make you who you are; a unique human being. If you can get to a place where you can respect your spouse’s differences, you will find what works for both of you. You must accept such personality differences and honor your spouse, not condemn them. It can be a challenge, but is a very important element in a happy marriage. Remember, you can’t change your partner, but you can change your thinking and work on yourself. Challenge: Work together with your spouse to figure out how you can use your differences to improve your marriage.
Choose Love
Everything we do stems from either love or fear. How do you view yourself as a wife, mother, husband, father, or friend? Think about your insecurities. Think about the things you feel confident in. It all comes down to love and fear, and you always have a choice. To choose love is to choose from your heart, not just your brain. It boosts your physical health and your mental well-being. Love promotes trust and connection with others. It allows vulnerability and openness with yourself and your spouse which will naturally strengthen your bond. So, let’s just be love and choose love, because all you need is love. And in the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., “I have decided to stick with love…Hate is too great a burden to bear.” Challenge: Every day, every hour, every minute…choose love.
About Becky Squire
Becky is a wife, mother, dreamer, writer, runner, and cheesecakemaker. Her husband is her soul-mate and complete opposite in almost every way. They have 4 amazing kids who keep them humble‌and tired. When Becky isn’t writing, she enjoys running up and down the mountains of northern Utah (but any mountain will do), baking, traveling, music, and sleep. Becky is a freelance writer and blogs at Becky Squire.