The James Bond Lifestyle Seminar for Academics© - Advice - The Chronicle of Higher Education
10/28/11 8:50 AM
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October 10, 2007
The James Bond Lifestyle Seminar for Academics© By Thomas H. Benton As everyone knows, James Bond is cool; most professors are not. They are the opposite of cool. That's why no one listens to them. Most professors don't know how to dress themselves. They are rarely seen with beautiful people. They usually drive ugly cars. And most of them don't even know how to tip properly. Let's face it, pal. If you're an academic, you are probably a nerd, a geek, a loser, or, as Sinatra—the arbiter of all things cool—used to call such people, a "Clyde." But that's probably why you became a professor in the first place, instead of, say, a military test pilot, an A-list actor, or president of the United States. You stayed in school, and you never learned the rules of cool. That's why you don't have a license to kill. And that's why you need the James Bond Lifestyle Seminar for Professors©. You need to be a "Dr. Yes" instead of a "Dr. No." Normally, this exclusive seminar is not offered to specific professions, but academics are a special, challenging case. If the average academic—50ish, overweight, and boring—can be given some charisma and class, then it shows anyone be helped by the James Bond Lifestyle Seminar©. So, professors, let's cover the basics: Your work. Enough with the scholarly books already. I mean footnotes give me a break! If you have to write books for some reason, look for projects that will give you the best combination of status and money for the least time and effort. Forget revising your dissertation. Consider writing Hollywood screenplays. If you score just one sale, you probably can spend the rest of your life researching Piers Plowman or whatever. But you http://chronicle.com/article/The-James-Bond-Lifestyle/46512/
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The James Bond Lifestyle Seminar for Academics© - Advice - The Chronicle of Higher Education
10/28/11 8:50 AM
won't want to. You'll be writing your next treatment from the deck of your Hallberg-Rassy in the marina at Corfu. But let's forget about writing for now. The most important thing you need to do—starting today—is improve your image. Image upgrades. Do you buy everything on sale from second-rate department stores? Just as you did when your mom took you shopping for back-to-school clothes? Look, pal, you are not a child. And you are not a revolutionary. If you are tenured, then you should look like a respectable, serious professional—at all times. A professor should dress up, even when he is running to the grocery store for a bottle of Lillet Blanc. In fact, you should even dress up when you are alone—especially when you are alone because, and listen carefully here—you are not dressing up for other people but for yourself. You are too important to wear sweatpants—ever. Everyone knows that students give attractive professors higher ratings for a good reason: Attractive professors are cool, and what cool people know is worth knowing. Remember, every time you walk into a classroom, you are the star of your own movie. Do you really want to be Sherman Klump? Money matters. Professors are not monks; they do not take vows of poverty. Whether you admit it or not, money is the most important symbol of your intellectual energy. The great Stanley Fish once said that if you want to know your importance as a professor, take a look at your paycheck. Your students respect money (and so, in secret, do your colleagues), so let them know that you are making piles and piles of it. The easiest first step is to buy a money clip. Put some crisp new $100 bills on the outside, and use one of them to pay for your coffee every day. Don't be afraid to invest in a decent watch, preferably a Rolex or a high-end Omega. Lose that 10-year-old Volvo, and get yourself the kind of car that Bond would drive. It doesn't have to be a new Aston Martin, but you can at least consider leasing an entrylevel BMW or Mercedes. Make sure you park your new car somewhere that everyone will see it; go to work early if you have to. I know what you're thinking: "But I make only $46,000 a year?!" http://chronicle.com/article/The-James-Bond-Lifestyle/46512/
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The James Bond Lifestyle Seminar for Academics© - Advice - The Chronicle of Higher Education
10/28/11 8:50 AM
Well, with all those new lifestyle upgrades, you will soon be motivated enough to increase your financial energy, and—as every cool person knowsmoney attracts money because money generates positive attention. But remember that someone who looks prosperous has an obligation to be generous. Tip freely. Keep your wealth in circulation. Take your assistants to lunch and order the best food and wine on the menu for them. And don't stiff the secretaries and cleaning staff during the holidays. Remember that everything you give comes back to you tenfold, particularly when it comes to the people who take care of you behind the scenes. Bond always took care of Moneypenny, and she always repaid that loyalty. Professional relationships. A cool person like Bond does not seem to be using people, even when that is exactly what he is doing. Remember that every social interaction is an opportunity for you to showcase your charm and good manners. When someone comes to your campus to give a presentation, don't forget to call him or her the next day to reinforce your compliments, especially if you think his talk was dull and dreadful. Every social interaction should seem like a win-win situation, even though you are always going to win in the end. That's why cool people laugh all the time, even when it seems to make no sense. Of course, being like Bond means you also have to know how to be ruthless: Real men (and, nowadays, real women) are admired because, under the right circumstances, they know how to kill things artfully. In academe, such performances are rarely more dramatic than a negative tenure review or a cutting remark in a conference presentation. Unfortunately most academics can only wield symbolic violence, which is one reason they can never really be like Bond. But more on that later. Your base of operations. Bond is always ready for his next mission; he never has to search for his keys. You should think of your office as your base of operations. It needs to be ready at all times for an unexpected crisis. So keep your office clean and ready for work. Everything important—such as the incriminating photos of your department head—is kept locked in your filing cabinets. And never http://chronicle.com/article/The-James-Bond-Lifestyle/46512/
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The James Bond Lifestyle Seminar for Academics© - Advice - The Chronicle of Higher Education
10/28/11 8:50 AM
eat in your office. That's what three-star restaurants are for. Nothing is more embarrassing than to have someone important arrive while your mouth is stuffed with a pressed-turkey and mayonnaise sandwich. Be sure to keep your high-tech listening devices and weapons safely stored in your Louis Vuitton briefcase. The ultimate secret of academics©. Academic positions are scarce these days, but you can have your pick of the best jobs if you know a few secrets. Most professors are shy, sad people with low vibrational energy. They just want someone with high vibrational energy to admire them, even though most of them go seeking admiration in the wrong way. Professors rarely get much respect from students, unless those students are planning to become professors themselves, which usually creates an escalating cycle of uncoolness. But nothing will flatter—and fluster—a professor more than seeming to be admired by a cool person, just as you are soon going to be. If you are interviewing for an academic position, don't tell them about your work. Redirect their questions to get them to tell you about their work. Look at them with wide, admiring eyes, as if you never heard anything so brilliant and you feel lucky to be in the presence of someone so important. They'll love you. Sometimes flirtatious admiration can go wrong. If it does, be sure to call any unenthusiastic members of the search committee the next day to say, "I am so glad to have had the chance to speak with you. If I get to come to your campus, I will thank you exactly 100 times." You can discreetly pass them the envelope at some point during the campus visit. Because, you know, most professors need the money. Positive mental energy©. Read carefully. This is the most important part of the James Bond Lifestyle Seminar©. In order to be like Bond, you have to realize that you are a being of pure energy, and you have to decide whether to use that energy to enhance your power or to enhance the power of others. The first step is to program your unconscious mind for success. Repeat to yourself, "I am too cool to be a professor, I am too cool to be a professor." It helps to have a personal theme song. You can't go wrong with any of the Bond themes, such as "Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang," but everyone is different. Many professors are so negative; everything is http://chronicle.com/article/The-James-Bond-Lifestyle/46512/
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The James Bond Lifestyle Seminar for Academics© - Advice - The Chronicle of Higher Education
10/28/11 8:50 AM
about oppression and inequality and other things that can only lower your vibrational energy. If you can develop enough PME©, then you will wonder how you ended up being a professor in the first place. If you start living the Bond lifestyle for real, before long you'll have your eye on the plushest corner office in the administration building. Everyone knows that administrators are the coolest people on any campus. That's why they're administrators. But the coolest of them are usually on their way to someplace else where they can be even cooler, where they can live the Bond lifestyle on an ever larger scale. But now it's time for you to achieve your goals. Armed with your new money clip, this year's Aston Martin, and the Positive Mental Energy© you learned in the James Bond Lifestyle Seminar for Professors©, you will soon find yourself fleeing academe the same way Bond fled the secret volcano base of Blofeld in You Only Live Twice, seconds before it self-destructed. It's time to begin your second life as James Bond, Ph.D. I'll be waiting for you at MI6. Benton, Thomas H. Benton, is the pen name of William Pannapacker, an associate professor of English at Hope College in Holland, Mich. He writes about academic culture and welcomes reader mail directed to his attention at careers@chronicle.com. Copyright 2011. All rights reserved. The Chronicle of Higher Education 1255 Twenty-Third St, N.W. Washington, D.C. 20037
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