Writer Elif Shafak on embracing her all-black wardrobe

Mum and I returned toAnkara, taking refugewith my grandma in a conservative Muslim neighborhood.There were eyeswatching our every move from behind lace curtains, judging.Ayoung divorcéewas regarded as a threat to the community. But Grandma intervened: “My daughter should go back to university. She should have a job.” Iwas raisedbyGrandma,whom Icalled anne (mother),foralong time. My own mother, I called abla (big sister).

Iwas a lonely child, an introvert. Many afternoons I climbed our cherry treewith a new novel. Iwould read and eat cherries and spit the pits left and right, pretending I could reach the bleak brown and gray houses in the distance. I dreamed of bringing a shade of cherry red into their lives.

Inthemeantime,Mumthrewherselfintoherstudies. Sexual harassmentwas rife on the streets. Shewould carry large safety pins in her handbags to poke molesters on buses. I remember how “modestly” she dressed—skirts that reached her ankles, thick coats, absolutely no makeup. Eventually she became a diplomat. In the male-dominatedworld of foreignaffairs, too, shecontinuedwearing “nonrevealing” clothes. Shewanted to look as strong as possible.

THIS SUMMER, whenIretreatedtoalittle towninCornwall, England, to start my new novel, I decided to pack just one dress. I had a plan. Since a breezy fishing town had no reasonto specialize in black garments, Iwould have to purchase a fewvariegated items. My planworked—for a day.The next, Iwas in a cab heading to the nearest mall for black clothes.

I am comfortable in black, but I am not comfortablewith being too comfortable—hence the impulse to always question myself. I realize, albeit reluctantly, that my resistance to bright colors might be rooted in negative personal experiences, each ofwhich has left a subtle but stubborn impact. Oh, I knowwhat commercialswill tell me. I know the slogan of our times: “Just beyourself! Forget the rest!” But are not memories and experiences, and thewaywe responded to them, also part ofwhat constitutes “the self”?

After so many trials and errors, I have accepted that I actually lovewearing black.The color that turned into an entrenched habit in response to a patriarchalworld has, over time, become a faithful friend. I do not have to change, so long as it makes me happy and remains a personal choice. Since I am not inclined towear colors but like to have them around, I’ve found another solution: I keep my accessories flashy—turquoise rings, magenta bracelets, sunglow scarves. The darker my clothes, the crazier my accessories.

Thereare many seasons in awoman’s life. Seasons of black, seasons of colors. None is eternal. Life is a journey. It is also hybridity—a mixture of contrasts.As the poet Hafez wrote, “You carry all the ingredients /To turnyour existence into joy, / Mix them.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Elif Shafak is a Turkish author, activist, and speaker. She has written 10 novels, including The Forty Rules of Love and The Bastard of Istanbul. Her newest novel, Three Daughters of Eve, will be published December 5.

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Sur La Table Kohl’s • Macy’s

E.B.ASKS... When guests arrive for a dinner party or lunch andyou greet them at the door, how long beforeyou offer them a cup of coffee or glass ofwine? My husband is in charge of thewelcoming, and I don’t care to be bossy, but he never asks that question early enough for me.

I read this question aloud to my family, and everyone laughed, given that I am somewhat famous for offering drinks to our guestswhile they’re still in the driveway.Which is only because I myself want to be handed a glass ofwine before I’ve even unzipped my coat.That said, there is certainly no need for panicked urgencywhen it comes to beverages. Just letyour husband knowwhatyour preference is: “I don’t mean to be bossy, and Ilovethe warm wayyou welcomeour guests.Wouldyou indulge me and offer them drinks a little sooner? I might just be projecting, but I think many people like to have a drink in handwithin a few minutes of arriving.”Another solution would be to set up a little bar so guests can help themselves, even if it’s just a couple of bottles ofwine andwater or a pot of coffee.Then, if anyone is desperate to be quenched beforeyour husband gets to them, they can pour themselves a little something.

Modern Manners

REAL SIMPLE ’S ETIQUETTE EXPERT, CATHERINE NEWMAN , OFFERS HER BEST ADVICE ON

YOUR SOCIAL QUANDARIES.

C.K.ASKS... In the pastyear, my niece has lost a number of my gifts—a substantial gift card to Bed Bath& Beyond,whichwas a college graduation gift for starting her new apartment; a birthday check; and a Christmas check.She has never mentioned losing them, but my sister told me in confidence. I had discarded the gift card receipt, so that one is lost for good. My sister asked that I send new checks to replace the other gifts. Part of me iswilling, but part of mewants to teach my niece to be more responsible. What should I do?

ABOUT CATHERINE The author of One Mixed-Up Night, Catastrophic Happiness, and Waiting for Birdy, CatherineNewman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionatedchildren in Amherst, Massachusetts. If thiswereyour child and shewere a teenager, I’d say she’ll learn that lesson organically from the natural consequences of her behavior:When she’s eating her cold bread and butter,wishing she had the toaster shewould have gottenwith her gift card, she’ll remember that she lost it and (hopefully)vow to be more careful in the future. But she’s notyour child, and she’s not actually a child at all.Which is to say:Teaching her a lesson is not reallyyour job at this point.Your job,whichyou are doing beautifully, is to be her doting, benevolent aunt. Once a gift is given, it’s no longeryours to fret over or keep track of.Althoughyou mightwant to stick to checks from now on. Just in case.

J.V.ASKS... I often go to the library to proofread, thinking itwill be quiet and I can concentrate.Sadly, the “Quiet, please” requirement is ignored. People talk on cell phones.Awoman brought a teenage girl,whowas trying on shoes and parading down the aisle to see how they fit. Why don’t librarians enforce the rule?

Despite their reputation as hushed spaces full of scolding, bespectacled librarians, the role of libraries is changing.Yes, plenty of patrons are there seeking books and quiet, but a library is also a public space in aworld of few public spaces.That means it’s a natural home for the homeless, the mentally ill, caregivers ofyoung children, and teenagers during after-school hours—people looking for a safe,warm place to use the bathroom, log on to the internet, and find community. It sounds likeyou’re dealing with more run-of-the-mill distractions, but it goes to the same point:Your library is a multiuse space.Ask if there’s a designated quiet spot towork. If there’s not, you might invest in noise-canceling headphones or see if there’s a library you can use at a nearby college,where you may find more peace and quiet.

S.C.ASKS... The last two times I invited a close friend and her husband over for a party, she asked her daughter to come, too. Her daughter showed upwith hervery unruly and out-ofcontrol 3-year-old son.The first time, I said nothing.The second time, Christmas Day, my friend informed me her daughterwas coming over. I asked if shewas bringing her son.When she saidyes, I said, “Please, no. I am not in the mood.” Her responsewas, “Oh, she’s on herway andwon’t stay long.” I love my friend and her husband. Iwant to invite them to more gatherings, but I’m not sure how to handle it.Should I be up-front and tell her the invite is not for her daughter and grandson?Should I not invite them?

HAVEANETIQUETTE QUESTION?

Submit your social conundrums to modernmanners@ realsimple.com. Selected letters will be featured on these pages every month. Luckily,you andyour friend seem to share a direct style of communication! Neither ofyou tiptoes around the other’s feelings, so I thinkyou can be direct and transparentwhile respecting the delicacy of the situation. “What shouldwe do?” you might ask her. “You know how much I love spending timewithyou, and I don’t want to excludeyour daughter. But I feel cranky at the prospect of entertaining a preschooler. Canwe make this dinner a grown-ups-only event?” Save this request forwhenyou most require it: a holiday meal, for example, or an evening shindig. And then be inclusivewhenyou’re able— at a potluck or picnic, say—soyour friend isn’t always having to choose and so she knowsyou understand her responsibilities as a parent and grandparent.You can also look to spend more time atyour friend’s house,where the job and consequences of reining in the little hellion won’t fall toyou. Plus, this is (fingers crossed) just a phase; one day thatwild childwill be a lovelyyoung man, and you’ll be gladyou stuck it out. Right?

Make Charity a Family Affair

Raising kidswho care more about helping others than about how many Instagram followers they have can be a bit of a challenge in today’s selfie-obsessedworld. Here, four writers share how they found a meaningfulway to include acts of kindness and charity in their family adventures— andwound up strengthening their bonds not onlywithone another but alsowith theworld around them.

We help rescued animals

By Marisa Cohen

EARLIERTHIS YEAR, my teenage daughters—city kidswhose typical experiencewith the great outdoors involveswatching pigeons fight over a hot dog bun on a concrete sidewalk—found themselves knee-deep in horse poop and hay as they mucked out a barn at theWoodstock Farm Sanctuary in High Falls, NewYork, home to hundreds of animals that had been rescued from abuse and neglect.The girls couldn’t be happier to be there.

Theywere just 7 and 9when we firstvisited the sanctuary sevenyears ago.We drove past it oneweekend and decided to stop in tovisit the animals.We saw firsthand how affectionate the cows, pigs, and sheepwere; many of themwould have been put down because of physical imperfections butwere now thriving. We talked to staff members about the environmental and health effects of raising cattle and eating meat, andwe all decided to try goingveggie, just for aweek, to see how it felt.

Within a month,we realized we didn’t miss meat at all, and ever since, our family has been vegetarian. Since then,we’ve donated money to the farm sanctuary, and the girls have raised

funds for no-kill animal shelters in our city. But I alwayswanted to do more. I also felt itwas important for my kids to see that giving back doesn’t just meanwriting a check but givingyour sweat and labor to somethingyou believe in.

So as soon as the girlswere old enough,we joined a group of a dozenvolunteers at the farm for the day to clean out the horse barn.This involved shoveling dirty hay into garbage cans, hauling them outside, and dumping them into the back of a pickup truck. It wasbackbreaking work,but the girls dug their shovels into the haywith gusto. Once the floorwas cleared,we had the much more fun task of tearing paper off fresh bales and spreading the hay across the barn by kicking it likewe were in a chorus line. Finally, after a full day ofwork, our jeans and boots coveredwith muck, our hair frizzing into the stratosphere, and our faces drippingwith sweat,we were given a special tour of all the animals, including an adorable little family of piglets that had just been rescued from someonewho had left them starving in hisyard.

“This weekend wasreallyfun,” said my oldest daughter. “Itwas great to spend time helping the animals instead of just looking at cute pictures of them online.”

TO VOLUNTEER WITH ANIMALS

HAVE AN ELDERLY NEIGHBOR with a pet? Kids can help walk her dog; you can drive her cat to the vet. LOCAL SHELTERS can often use an extra hand to play with the animals to help socialize them. Find potential places to volunteer at petfinder.com (click on “Shelters & Rescues”). FIND A RESCUE CENTER where you may be able to help out; consult the list at vegan.com/ farm-sanctuaries.

We celebrate birthdays by giving forward

By Pooja Makhijani

“IN LIEU OF a gift for the birthday girl…,” Iwrite on my daughter Krishna’s birthday invitation.

“In lieu of?” my 5-year-old asks.

“Instead of,” I say. “Instead of asking our guests for a gift foryou foryour birthday,we’re asking them to donate a new toy or book to childrenwho may not have as many things asyou do.”

“Butwhat about presents for me?” she asks.

“Iwill buyyou presents, and so willyour grandparents, andwe are having a big partywith cake and a disco ball,” I say. “But thiswaywe can help other children, too.”

I expect pushback, or even a tantrum, but my daughter simply asks, “How can I help?”

Although I have been celebrating my birthdaywith acts of service since Iwas in my 20s, this particular birthday tradition began a month before my daughter turned 1. Like many new parents, I accumulated so much stuff for her in just ayear: stacking toys and blocks, musical instruments, board books.Therewas no need for any more! But I realized our guests might also be looking forward to buying gifts.

So on her first birthday, I asked for toys and books for babies in foster care in our city.Thisyear, the firstwhen Krishnawas old enough to understand and help me plan,we decided to donate her gifts to a residential treatment program for pregnant and parenting adolescents and their children.

“You are deeply loved,” I tell Krishna as she grabs a laundry basket and starts decorating itwith ribbons.This is the basket her friends can drop their gifts into at her party, she tells me. “Your birthday is a time for us to share that lovewith others.”

TO HOLD A BIRTHDAY DRIVE

FOR BABIES, ask guests to donate new toys, boxes of diapers, or clothes to a family shelter or children’s aid organization in your town. HELP OLDER KIDS choose a cause they care about. Kidscangivetoo.com will send invites asking guests to donate to their selected charity; the charity gets half, and your kid gets a Visa gift card for the other half.

KEEP YOUR GUEST LIST SMALL and send the money you would have blown on a big party to TheBirthdayPartyProject .org, which throws parties for kids in homeless shelters.