Catherine Newman offers advice

Modern Manners

REAL SIMPLE ’S ETIQUETTE EXPERT, CATHERINE NEWMAN ,OFFERS HER BEST ADVICE ON

YOUR SOCIAL QUANDARIES.

K.A.ASKS... I’m an elementary school teacher. I teach my students to cough and sneeze into their elbows instead of their hands because of germs. But some adults in my life sneeze into their hands all the time,which makes mewant to avoid contact. Can I ask them to contain their coughs in a less germywaywithout sounding like I’m talking to a student?

I’m laughing, picturingyou summoning the other teachers for a read-aloud of Curious George Coughs into His Sleeve. Alas,while yourstudentsarewith you tolearn—includingwhatever you’re teaching them about courteous habits— your fellow adults, as childlike and runny-nosed as they may be, are not. There’s no politeway to teach them proper cough and sneeze containment. That said, ifyou’re talking about coworkers,you can encourage the administration to hold a meeting or post guidelines about maintaining a healthywork environment, andyou can solicit everyone’s thoughtsvia email (thereby singling nobody out). Otherwise,your main job is taking care ofyourself to keepyour immune system strong: Get enough sleep, eat healthy food,washyour hands a lot.And, if passive aggression isyour thing, conspicuously squirtyourself with hand sanitizer every time someone sprays their germs around.

M.P.ASKS... Over the past few months,we have sent money forwedding gifts and new babies. One person thanked us face-to-face; one person thanked usvia text. No one sent a thank-you note. Iswriting a thank-you card old-fashioned? Has it gone out of style, replaced by modern technology?

ABOUT CATHERINE The author of One Mixed-Up Night, Catastrophic Happiness, and Waiting for Birdy, CatherineNewman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionatedchildren in Amherst, Massachusetts. I have held out on this for a long time, insisting on paper thank-you noteswhile cobwebs spun around my sepia-tonedvalues and the worldwheeled into the apocalyptic future. But I am finally changingwith the times enough to say:Yes,writing a thank-you card is old-fashioned, andyes, it has largely gone outof style, replaced by the immediacy of texts and emails. It is still a lovely thing, a handwritten card, still my ideal expression of gratitude. But no,you shouldn’t expect to receive one, even ifyou stillwrite themyourself or makeyour poor teenagers sit down likeye oldeweirdos towrite them. (Sorry, kids!) In fact, I now find myself fretting that a card takes relatively so long to arrive that someone might take offense at the perceived absence of thanks! Ironic, no? But even iftexting is the new normal, not thanking someone at all should not be—with the exception of new parents,who are losing their minds, and the newly bereaved,who are lost to grief. Anyonewho needs slack cut for them? Just go ahead and cut it.

K.T.ASKS... My sister-in-law is a hairdresser and has been cutting my hair for the past three years.She never cuts it theway I ask, and my most recent haircutwas so bad that I’ve beenwearing my hair up so I don’t have to see it. Iwant to switch to a different salon, but I don’twant to hurt her feelings. If I say nothing, she’ll eventually figure it out. But I don’t knowwhat to say. Her salon is closer than the salon I’d like to go to, so I can’t use convenience as an excuse. I can’t go on getting bad haircuts forever, but I don’twant to damage the relationship.

Judging from letters to this column, infidelity is a problem primarily between hair clients and salons.You are not alone! Lots of folks cheat on their barbers and stylists, and plenty leave them altogether, skulking past neighborhood storefronts, all butwearing mustache glasses.The problem inyour case is that this person will remain inyour life even afteryou part professional company. Do stop seeing her—you deserve the cutyouwant— but prepare for awkwardness. I recommend saying nothing up front, since I can’t think of anything true to say that wouldn’t make her feelworse. Hopefully she’ll be too gracious to ask aboutyour new’do, but if she does,you might say something like “Iwas looking to change up my style a little, but Iwas too shy to mention it toyou.” It might offend her a little (fair enough), but she’ll get over it— andyou’ll get better hair.

S.C.ASKS... A coworker and friend I’ve known for a fewyears has taken to divulging all her marital issues to me.She recently got promoted and is now my supervisor. Iwant to be a supportive friend, but it feels a bit awkward now that she’s my supervisor. How do I navigate this and maintain the friendship?

HAVEANETIQUETTE QUESTION?

Submit your social conundrums to modernmanners@ realsimple.com. Selected letters will be featured on these pages every month. Areyou otherwise comfortablewith her, feeling awkward onlywhen she unloads marital issues? I’m not surewhy that particular aspect of the friendshipwould become newly complicatedwhile the rest remains acceptable—unless she’s married to, say, another coworker. So maybe you neverwanted to be her confidant, or maybe the power imbalance is makingyou uncomfortable, but eitherway,you need to do something. Ideally,your supervisor would be the personwho best understood thatwhatyou should do atwork iswork. But if she doesn’t seem to,you might try the strategy used in my kid’s fourth-grade classroom: Wearheadphones,which signals to those aroundyou thatyou don’t want to be disturbed.That is not going to helpyou outside ofwork, though.You may have to steer the conversation toward topicsyoufeel more comfortable discussing orinvite another friend along as a buffer. If the onlyway to protectyour boundaries is to make a direct statement, however, then go ahead and make it: “Now thatyou’re my boss, I feel I might not be the best person to talk to about this. I need time to get used to this new dynamic.” If she doesn’t respect this request, then—not to sound likeyour mother—she probablywasn’t such a great friend to beginwith.