The Dish on Awkward Dinner Convos

We spoke with a neuroscience researcher about the art of table talk—and there was only one uncomfortable pause! Even better: We learned how to calm our brain and enjoy Thanksgiving chatter.

BY AMY MACLIN

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, it’s time to gather with your nearest and dearest to share food, fellowship, and conversation. You’ll likely talk about all sorts of things: current events, parenting styles, Harry Styles, how much garlic is too much, and why your niece felt compelled to get those new violet hair streaks, for example. To save your table from stilted chitchat, painful silences, and debates that get a little too spirited (especially when the wine is flowing), we talked to Mark Robert Waldman, a neuroscience researcher and coauthor of Words Can Change

Your Brain: 12 Conversation Strategies to Build Trust, Resolve Conflict, and Increase Intimacy. He’s full of actionable advice.

REAL SIMPLE: When readers of your book see “conversation strategies” in the subtitle, they might expect advice about what to say and what not to say. But many of the principles aren’t about words. They’re about slowing down, refraining from saying too much—simple strategies.

MARK ROBERT WALDMAN: That’s because human beings are the worst communicators on the planet. We talk more than we need to. We listen poorly, without realizing it. We don’t pay attention to the nonverbal messages our conversation partners convey with facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice, which make up the bulk of our communication.

RS: Why are we so bad at this?

MRW: Most of the time, we try to put into words feelings that are impossible to describe. We get lost in the big, busy imagination network in our brain that is generating all kinds of fantasies and worries about the future. So instead of listening to what the other person has to say, we’re coming up with what we want to say next.

But when we use principles of compassionate communication—deeply relaxing in order to stay present, paying close attention to the other person’s expressions and tone, responding slowly and warmly—we neurologically resonate with our partner’s emotional state. We become attuned to each other.

The brain can’t keep more than a few chunks of information in working memory. Someone can speak 400 words, but the other person will remember 10 to 20. They’ll focus on the words that seem important to them, which is often different from what you wanted to convey. Speak briefly—no more than 20 words—and you’ll choose the best ones to express what you mean. From everything I’ve said so far, what stands out to you?

RS: Oh! Many interesting things. [Pause] Um. Several things. [Laughs]

MRW: Notice how difficult it is for you to answer clearly, because you’re in your imagination, thinking of the thousand different things you might say. What if I told you that you had to answer in 10 words or less?

RS: Hmm. “Nonverbal communication is more important than words.”

MRW: Can you feel the shift in your awareness, trying to speak this way?

RS: Absolutely. I feel less panicky.

MRW: Yes, the anxiety comes from getting lost in your imagination. Sometimes I ask couples to do this as a game, to have a conversation in which everything each one says is

10 to 20 words. They have to pay close attention to their expressions, tone, and body language. It interrupts their ability to get angry or defensive, which can generate hundreds of emotional words! In about four to seven minutes, most people will feel a surprising sense of intimacy.

RS: How can we consciously remind ourselves to slow down?

MRW: I recommend that you begin with mindful yawning. Yawning increases cerebral blood flow and switches us from the brain’s defaultmode network, which is activated when we’re stuck in our heads, to the central executive network, which helps us focus on the present and our desired goal. Close your eyes and yawn slowly, noticing where the yawn starts, what it feels like as you yawn. You should notice that you feel calmer. Or, if you’re not in a place where you feel comfortable yawning— at the dinner table, for instance— another method is nurturing touch. Just lightly stroke your palm and arm. Go really, really slowly, about four seconds for each inch. Try it now.

RS: It is calming. I feel like a cat being petted. But will it help when someone’s pushing your buttons? Say, your mom wants to know when you’re going to give her another grandchild?

MRW: In this state of relaxed awareness, you may be surprised to find that you’re less likely to have your buttons pushed. We tend to mirror other people’s emotional states, but sometimes it’s wiser to stay deeply relaxed and focused on a pleasurable feeling or thought. I’m not saying you have to force yourself to be positive all the time, but the moment a person displays even the slightest bit of negativity, it increases negativity in both the speaker’s and listener’s brains. Mindfully relaxing helps you avoid defensiveness and leaves you more curious, even playful. You might be able to respond very differently. To just say, “Hmm, Mom, I wish I knew!” You’re not committing to anything. Keep a small half smile on your face and she’ll feel listened to, which is what we all desire, right?

RS: But what if Mom doesn’t let it go? Or what if Uncle Harold wants to get into another political debate?

MRW: I would stay anchored to a deep inner value. Before you go into the room, put yourself in that state of relaxed awareness and ask your intuition, “What is one of my innermost values?” Listen for that small whisper and find a single word that captures something meaningful and essential. “Peace,” for instance—any word that gives you a sense of serenity. Stay focused on that word when you are in an uncomfortable situation. It can be different every time you do this. If you close your eyes and get still right now, what word comes to you?

RS: Love?

MRW: That’s one of the most common. By the way, if you ask a hundred people what their definition of love is, you may get a hundred different answers. We assume words mean the same thing to others as they do to us, but that isn’t the case, which is another reason we’re such poor communicators. But imagine yourself filled with your deepest inner value— whether it’s love, or integrity, or compassion—and hanging on to that state as you sit across from your mom or Uncle Harold. Let that love radiate through you. How does that feel?

RS: Certainly better than walking in prepared for battle.

MRW: Which is what we often do. We have all these ideas about what may or may not happen. We’re not even present with ourselves. But these techniques work. I teach doctors to use them before they go in to tell a patient bad news. They sit outside, do a mindful yawn, focus on the deep inner value, walk in, and speak slowly and with warmth. Doctors who do that find that their patients are more likely to follow their advice.

RS: This all sounds simple but not necessarily easy, especially when relatives are concerned.

MRW: One of my favorite sayings is from the spiritual teacher Ram Dass: “If you think you are enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” I’ll guarantee you that every old defensive behavior will come bubbling up to the surface. But if you become irritable, see if you can just think, “OK, I’m irritable. I’m going to observe that irritability, and maybe it’ll fade away.” If you can relax enough to suspend those old habits and step into the present, instead of pulling bad memories from the past or getting lost in fantasies about the future, you find yourself in this place of exploration— meeting people you’ve known all your life for the very first time.

BY TEDDY WILLSON

MEET THE DESIGNERS Breeze Giannasio and Carmel Greer

Architect Carmel Greer (bottom) built a modern farmhouse in D.C. for a family of four, then enlisted Los Angeles–based designer Breeze Giannasio to lend a cool factor to the interior. Reminiscent of a French bistro, the breakfast nook features a café-style dining set and a one-of-akind abstract painting (the clients are art lovers). The real standout? The upholstered banquette that’s both an elegant moment and a casual dining spot for the family.

Abstract prints are eternally cool and easy to find in any palette.

Get the Look

SKIP BULKY FURNITURE

Open space in tight zones is key for ease of movement. A pedestal-base dining table leaves plenty of legroom for sliding in and out, while bistro chairs (with their slender, armless frames) tuck right under the table. Plus, they make you feel like you’re sipping your coffee at a café in the Marais!

ADD A POP OF COLOR

The dark gray cabinets and black hardware, counters, and stools let the golden banquette shine. To find your own accent color, look at inspiring photos instead of staring at swatches. What might feel too daring on its own could fit perfectly in the context of your space. Here, the yellow brings a happy, energetic vibe; rust or olive green would look beautiful too.

THINK VERTICALLY

Play up the height of your ceiling, or just make it feel taller, by using those walls. The lines from the panel tufting on the banquette draw the eye upward, and the sconce and artwork on the wall create an engaging study in symmetry.

Accommodate Fabric in Dijon; kravet.com for info Princeton Mid Sconce, $358; school house.com Paper Works 16-I by Iris Lehnhardt, from $43; artfullywalls.com Era Chair, $395; dwr.com Carrara Round Tulip Table, $1,724; rove concepts.com French Beret Paint; benjaminmoore.com for info Teak Bowl, $70; cb2.com