Modern Manners Advice for Your Social Quandaries

BY CATHERINE NEWMAN

V.S. ASKS…

My husband and I display several framed photos in our home of our three adult sons with their wives and children. Recently, one of these couples separated. Is it wrong to keep displaying photos of the soon-to-be-divorced couple? What about group photos that include all three families?

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I know from experience that you’re not the only person wrestling with this issue. And as with many things, the real question is: How do you cause the minimum amount of pain? I think it comes down to your grandchildren, who are the people with the least agency and the greatest investment. Your son’s ex-wife is still their mother. If you remove all the family photos, you risk erasing their past. So sure, if there are photos of your son and his ex that could especially pain him (e.g., from their wedding), replace them. Otherwise, honor your grandchildren by leaving up this evidence drenbyleavingupthisevidence of the family that made them

R.H. ASKS… nt high here, and Lead with generosity h mong split the cost evenly am likely the three families. It’s will the twins’ guest lists w share mostly overlap—they many family and, probably, nd of the same friends—a ly be the costs will ultimate mber proportional to the nu mber of guests, not the num , if it of honorees. However, t the becomes apparent tha ng a sig- twins’ family is creatin nse, nificantly bigger expe group and if anybody in the erns, it’s has real financial conc on of fine to raise the questi ently splitting the tab difere

We’re cohosting a joi rty school graduation pa es for with two other famili ir kids. our daughter and the as twins. One of the families ha plit per Should the costs be s ying a family (with each pay third) or per kid?

G.S. ASKS…

We never invite our friends’ dogs to our parties, because we have two outdoor cats in our fenced backyard—but our guests still bring them along. At our last get-together, one dog pushed inside our house and ran through it until the owner chased him down. How can I let our friends know to leave their dogs at home?

It’s fair that you don’t want to wrangle your friends’ pups. But it might be confusing to folks who are used to bringing the doggos to outdoor events.

“We ask that you please leave your dogs at home,” you can add to your next invitation.

“It turns out our cats are really stressed with dogs around.”

The “it turns out” phrasing absolves your friends of past mistakes (“Who could have known?” is the vibe) while clarifying your expectations. Just note that many people think of their pets as kids, and some might not come if they can’t bring their fur babies.

E.B. ASKS…

We recently moved to a new house and gave birth to our first child, a boy. Our sweet neighbor, bless his heart, thought we had a girl and dropped off pink sparkly onesies. I didn’t open the gift in front of him, but eventually he will realize we had a boy and may feel embarrassed. Should I say something?

Of course I need to point out that there’s no law that a boy can’t wear a pink sparkly onesie. In fact, the more we expand our ideas of what’s possible, the better of our kids are. But in terms of you and your neighbor and your lovely mutual kindness, I wouldn’t say anything. Pointing out the error would risk creating the very embarrassment you’re assuming he would feel, where currently none exists. If the gender issue comes up later, just tell him how touched you were to get a present from him. “We passed it along to another baby,” you can say, or “He looks so sweet in pink.”

C.C. ASKS…

I’m disappointed by the lack of thanks our son and daughter-in-law express for most of the gifts we give them. (Interestingly, our teenage grandkids are much better at it.) We tried to bring this up with them as tactfully as possible, but the response was a weirdly detailed cataloging of every gift given that year. It’s not that thank-yous are never forthcoming, but they’re definitely the exception. Should we discuss it again or let it go?

As you’re already acutely aware, the only behavior you can change is your own. This can be diicult to accept when it comes to our grown children, because our job was once to teach and train them. But adult children are, well, adults. You can model the behavior you seek (send them thank-you notes), praise the behavior you admire (“We love getting notes from your kids!”), and choose what to do next (perhaps stop giving them gifts), but you can’t make them conform to your expectations. Instead of a note, gratitude may appear in the form of a text, a call, or a simple “Thank you” as a gift is unwrapped. Be grateful for that and, yes, let the rest go

ABOUT CATHERINE

The author of What Can I Say?

A Kid’s Guide to Super-Useful Social Skills to Help You Get Along and Express Yourself, Catherine Newman gets advice from her husband and two opinionated, largely grown children in Amherst, Massachusetts

THE SIT-DOWN

Battle Hymn Of The Working Mom

BY LAUREN IANNOTTI

LAUREN IANNOTTI: During your first 18 months as First Lady, you traveled to roughly 40 states, 75 cities, and 10 countries. You’ve crisscrossed the U.S., rallying support for the administration’s priorities, and visited an active war zone. As the first First Lady to keep a job outside the East Wing, you maintained a full teaching schedule and “showed up,” as you put it, for your family. So I guess my question is: Do you sleep?

DR.JILL BIDEN: I do! There are things that keep me up at night, like every woman. There are a thousand things going through your mind when you have a lot in your life. But most nights I get my 71⁄2 hours. I’ve also mastered the art of the catnap. If I’m teaching and we have an event that night, I can sleep for 20 minutes and wake up fresh.

LI: One journalist called your insistence on keeping your day job “productive stubbornness.” Did you meet with resistance when you decided to continue teaching?

DR.B: I think people were a little skeptical. Could I truly do it, since I was the first one to try it? But I knew I wanted to teach. And so I said, “This is what I want to do. We have to figure it out.” I knew I could do both I’d done it as Second Lady, and at that time my staf said, “There’s no way you can do this,” and then they saw that I could I saw it work then, and I knew we could figure out how to do it now

LI: Do you ever feel that guilt most of us experience, when you’re so focused on one part that you neglect another?

DR B: Of course! Especially when you have kids, right? You’re always thinking, “Did I spend enough time at his game?” Or, “Should I have said that?” You’re always questioning yourself because you want to be the best mother you can be, the best teacher you can be. You’re thinking, “Did I give that student enough attention?” I think it’s just part of human nature. You want to make sure you do a good job at anything you do.

LI: Do you delegate? I’ve heard a story about Post-it notes.

DR.B: It started because the Bidens are a big family, and we have a lot of gatherings. And they would all say, “What can I do to help?” And by the time you’ve explained, “You get the salad bowl out, it’s in this cupboard, here are the utensils, etc.” I thought, “There’s got to be an easier way.” I know my meal and what I’m going to serve, so I do Post-it notes, like “Fill the glasses with ice,” “Light the candles,” and I put them on the cabinet above my kitchen counter. Then I put out the salad bowl with the tomatoes or the lemons or whatever needs to be cut, and everything is set up so when somebody comes in, they do what they want to do.

LI: Do they physically take the Post-it?

DR.B: Yes! They can pick whatever one they want, and they really like that because they’re helping, but they’re doing what they chose to do. And nobody’s asking, ‘‘What shape do you want the lemons?” Everybody knows their role. If we get together, it’s at least 13 or 14 and can go up to 30. So I do that for almost every big family dinner now. I do the main. Everything else is up for grabs.

LI: Do you use the Post-it notes at work too?

DR.B: I do, but then they’re for me! They’re telling me what to do. And if I want to get a message to Joe, I put one on his mirror. It may be a nice “I missed you” or ‘‘I hope you get whatever it is you’re working on.”

LI: I’ve heard that you don’t call it “juggling” or “balancing” but “managing.” Can you explain what you mean?

DR.B: You can’t do anything in a haphazard way. You have to have purpose while you’re doing it, and it has to be organized. That’s the key to it

LI: I think of it as plate spinning, which is not organized. Managing, that’s a goal to shoot for.

DR B: I’ve been at this much longer than you

LI: I think once my 6-year-old gets older, it’ll get easier.

DR B: Oh no, it never changes

LI: Oh, great!

DR.B: You’re always a mother. If I can tell you anything as a mother, it’s this: It never gets easier. I used to think, “This is going to get easier.” It doesn’t. Life gets so much more complicated.

LI: My mom says that too. I love a story about Ruth Bader Ginsburg. When she was at Harvard Law, she’d stop studying at 4 o’clock to spend afternoons with her young daughter. And instead of thinking of that as lost studying time, she loved the break, and she’d come back to her work fresh at night. What strategies did you use when you had small children and were working and had all these things going on?

DR B: First of all, you have to remember that it isn’t just a break; it’s a break filled with love, right? You’re spending time with people you love, you’re laughing, you’re talking about your day. I was a big baker when my kids were little. They called it the “baked good of the week.” I made a lot of cookies, cakes, and pies. The boys and their friends would come over after school and dig in. I think of that time as a gift. Then Joe would come home at about 7:40, and I’d have eaten dinner with the kids. I’d give Joe his dinner, and the kids would have dessert with him. And he always wanted to put them to bed and talk to them about their day—that was his special time with them, which gave me a bit of a break so I could grade papers or read. Getting a master’s in English and then my doctorate, I was always reading. You have to find a way to manage it all, and each family works it out diferently

LI: As I mentioned, you use the phrase “showing up” quite a bit. Can you explain what you mean?

DR.B: I found that as a mother, as a friend, and especially as First Lady, no matter what happens in this country, it’s important to show up. It was almost a year since the Surfside building collapse, and I went to Florida and spoke to all those folks who had lost family members. A few weeks ago, Joe and I were in Uvalde, meeting with the families for almost four hours. When I went to Waukesha, Wisconsin, a Republican area, I wasn’t sure how I would be received. And I think they didn’t know either: “Is she coming for political reasons? Is she grandstanding?” But once I went in—and I didn’t have the press with me or the photographers; I just went in by myself and talked to the families—they saw I was sincere. In your own life, it means so much to people when you show up in the tough times as well as the happy times. And I think it’s important to do the unexpected thing. The little kindness. When I’m at school and somebody’s husband is sick, I might leave cookies on their desk, or a note, to acknowledge what they’re going through.

LI: We put a lot on working parents, especially women—who, a boatload of research shows, do more of the child-rearing, housework, and “emotional labor.” What can we do as a society to support families better?

DR B: We should be passing childcare laws and universal pre-K. I’m a big believer in early childhood education, and Joe is too. Don’t forget he was a single parent. His first wife died in a car accident with his daughter, and he was a single parent to two boys for five years. He knows how hard it is. He was a senator, and he had his mother helping him out, but there were the parent-teacher conferences, the games, his job. So I think that helped him understand what working parents, not just working moms, need. He keeps pushing it, but Congress has got to step up. The House passed the subsidized childcare and his universal pre-K bills, but the Senate did not. I don’t understand why it wasn’t instantly voted in. Joe’s not going to give up.

LI: Pocketbook issues are bearing down on middle- and working-class families—inflation, gas prices, health care debt, the baby formula shortage. What do you say to a parent who’s worried about all that, on top of gun violence in schools and the war in Ukraine?

DR.B: It’s a tough time in history. And Joe and I see that. I think that’s the reason he was elected. He’s steady, he’s strong, he has wisdom, he knows politics, and he knows where he wants to take the country. Sometimes it feels like we’re pushing this boulder up the hill, but progress is being made. Joe’s been in oice for, what, 18 months now? And everybody has access to vaccines. We got the schools reopened— thank God we all got of Zoom—we got health care, we got money for broadband so underserved kids can have internet. I don’t want to sound like a political ad, but we have done so much. Gas prices are a huge issue, and Joe is, every single day, on the phone talking to leaders about gas and oil. These problems are coming so fast and furious, and certainly a lot of it is dark, like you said. But I wish people could see more of what Joe has accomplished and how hard he’s working.

LI: You just celebrated your 45th wedding anniversary. Congratulations! What would you say to any newlyweds hoping to make it to 45?

DR.B: You have to work in any relationship, but especially in marriage. It’s not always 50/50. Sometimes you lean on him, sometimes he leans on you. Sometimes he’s super busy and I have to pick up a lot of it, or vice versa. The goal is that we’re not in the same place at the same time, so we can count on one another when we need to.

LI: What would you do for a day if you were just Jill?

DR.B: I feel like I am Jill! Every day! But if I had a day just for me, I would go to the beach, probably with my sisters because they make me laugh harder than anyone, and I’d read a good book

LI: That sounds like a wonderful day. Can I do a quick speed round? These are some REAL SIMPLE low-stakes controversies I’d love you to weigh in on. Top sheet or no top sheet?

DR.B: Oh, top sheet. Definitely. I never ,p having a top sheet. even thought of not lege who don’t make That’s like kids in coll pull the thing over! their bed. They just

LI: ? Faux tree or real?

DR B: s so hard because Oh gosh, that’ e have a real tree I love a real tree. W he benefits. I feel here, but I can see t wn a whole tree. bad when we cut do

LI: ys text ahead of Should you alwa you cold-call? a phone call, or can

DR.B: at do you mean, I just call. Wh ing to call you”? text and say, “I’m go

LI: the kids these Well, you know, . days don’t cold-call

DR.B: her! Or grand- I’m their moth nd they’d better mother! I just call. An pick up!

LI: a or nay? Skinny jeans—yea st high-stakes one. This may be the mos

DR B: I say all Whatever you jeans like. Whatever want, whatever you er feels good! looks good! Whatev

LI: c answer! A very diplomati

DR.B: , Oh, I know!

THE HELPFUL MIND GREEN IS GOOD

Eco-friendly living doesn’t have to mean deprivation. It can create a happier planet and a happier you.

BY MARTA ZARASKA

A FEW YEARS AGO, I seriously committed to reducing my carbon footprint. I started composting, swore of plastic, bought my clothes secondhand. But while these changes might have been good for the environment, I sometimes wondered whether they were all that great for my happiness. I loved my small house, but…wouldn’t it be easier to have more space?

Weren’t there better ways to spend time than hanging damp towels on a clothesline? I felt good about my new carbon-lean lifestyle, but I was curious about the relationship between sustainability and satisfaction, so I dove into research on the subject. What I discovered was a welcome surprise.

Study after study reveals that most actions that lower our environmental impact make us more happy, not less. When scientists examined the habits of about 2,200 North Americans, they found that out of 39 earth-friendly behaviors, all but two could increase life satisfaction. (The duds? Using public transit and running the washer only when it’s totally full.) Some of the most happiness-inducing actions are shopping locally, buying energyeicient appliances, and talking to kids about environmental issues.

Home Truths

I was wrong to assume that more square footage equals more contentment. In fact, a larger living space can even negatively affect well-being, found one study in the journal Social Indicators Research. People who move to a bigger home may experience a long-term increase in housing satisfaction, but no increase in life satisfaction And some of the hidden costs (like losing touch with local friends and neighbors) could undermine the perks of a more spacious house.

The growing research on green living and happiness led Stephanie Johnson Zawadzki, an environmental psychologist and doctoral candidate at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, and her colleagues to examine 78 studies from countries all over the world covering areas like electricity conservation, recycling, and eating sustainably produced foods. In 2020, they published their results, which indeed confirmed there can be a strong connection between sustainable behaviors and mental well-being

But does being green make people happy, or are happy people more likely to be green? Zawadzki believes that both may be true: “Acting proenvironmentally can make you happy, and when you’re happier, you act more pro-environmentally. It can become a self-reinforcing cycle.”

Reducing + Reusing = Rewarding

Your mind may be reeling—and your eyes rolling—from these findings. (“Keeping a pile of decomposing produce next to my sink can make me what now?”) It helps to consider the diference between hedonic and eudaimonic happiness—in other words, between pleasure and purpose. Compare the indulgent bliss of lazing away by the pool (hedonic) with the satisfaction of volunteering at a food pantry (eudaimonic). According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, eudaimonic happiness is about flourishing and fulfillment—feeling connected, engaged, and purposeful.

“Both hedonic and eudaimonic happiness are important for wellbeing,” Lyubomirsky says, which is why greener living can feel good, even though it may at times be inconvenient, expensive, or uncomfortable.

“Having the sense that we’re tuned in to and actively contributing to something bigger than ourselves can be very psychologically powerful,” Zawadzki says. “We suspect acting pro-environmentally helps give our lives a deeper sense of personal meaning.” Plus, she adds, it’s possible we’re more likely to form happinessenhancing social connections when we give people rides or share with our neighbors

And the “green glow” we feel after doing an eco-friendly deed is like a mood-boosting pat on the back. “When a person engages in some pro-environmental behavior, they may end up feeling, ‘Oh, I’m such a good person because I recycle or I bought an electric car,’” says Tim Kasser, PhD, emeritus psychology professor at Knox College. “That warm glow can make people feel good about themselves and may enhance their self-esteem.” When a selfless act makes you proud of yourself, that’s really a win-win.

Staying Grounded

For me, curbing air travel seemed like the toughest sacrifice—but also the most important. Flying is one of the worst things we can do for the climate. (There’s even a Swedish word for the guilt it induces: flygskam, or “flight shame.”) One flight from New York City to Los Angeles can spew an estimated 1.4 tons of carbon dioxide enough to wipe out any carbon gains a meat eater would obtain from adopt- ing a vegan diet. I love traveling, so I hoped I’d find a bunch of research denying the mental health benefits of switching from planes to trains, or surrendering to flygskam and becoming a homebody. Unfortunately, it seems scientists haven’t gotten around to studying this yet.

But we can have happy holidays without jetting around the globe, says Jessica de Bloom, PhD, an occupational health psychologist at Tampere

University in Finland. Studies suggest that nature-oriented tourists (like hikers and campers) tend to experience increased well-being and happiness. What makes a vacation satisfying, research shows, isn’t necessarily an exotic location but novelty and new challenges. “Dissimilarity in the environment—for instance, culture, nature, and mode of travel—matters more than the actual distance,” de Bloom says. If you live in a city, she suggests checking out nearby national parks, while country bumpkins like myself might want a city sojourn. And if you tend to go by train, plane, or automobile, consider trying a more active vacation that focuses on biking or hiking to ofset the fossil fuel consumption that got you there. If that’s not practical for you or y your family, maybe walk instead of using a car to explore your new surroundings I knew I didn’t have to get on a plane to find novelty and new challenges. So in early 2019, I made a pledgge to reduce flying (little did I know this was a dress rehearsal for the panndemic lockdown). I canceled intercontinental vacations and went hiking in local mountains. When I did travel over long distances, I took trains, including an 18-hour trip from France, where I live now, to my native Poland The slow trips helped me discover places I’d never have otherwise visited d While switching trains, I had time to sip hot wine at a German Christmas market. I saw stunning nature in n remote corners of my own counntry, I met new people, and as the research predicted, I felt good. Experiencing travel more slowly and mindfullly was not only the climate-friendly option, it did indeed make me happier.

Lately I’ve been looking at my other green choices in a new way y too. My smallish house saves me from high-mortgage stress and brings s me (literally and figuratively) closer to other members of my family, enncouraging us to relax and play together. Our slightly slimy compost has worked miracles in our garden. Honestlyy, I still haven’t learned to love hanging my laundry—but I’m working on it.

Marta Zaraska is the author of Growing Y Young: How Friendship, Optimism, and Kindness Can Help You Live to 100