TRAVEL PREP 101

Do-it-yourself marriage counseling

Relationship experts reveal four common couple problems, and how you (yes, you) can fix them yourself.

Written by Eliana Osborn Illustrations by Carolina Melis APOLOGIES TO THE BEATLES, but as most couples can tell you, love is not all you need. Any long-term relationship takes hard work, a lot of flexibility, and plenty of talking (so much talking). Sometimes you feel stuck—and that’s where this advice comes in. “Counseling is often just a matter of nurturing the relationship,” says Carrie Cole, a cofounder of the Center for Relationship Wellness, in Houston. Do you need a professional to make you do that? Maybe. But there are probably a lot of bumps that you can smooth out on your own. Cole says that, in her experience, couples who seek counseling have often been letting a problem fester for years (six, on average, she says). Why not try to heal little irritations before they become giant problems? Yes, it’s hard, but here’s help: Six experienced marriage counselors break down some of the most common problems that bring couples to their offices and offer advice for working through them at home. Together.

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THE ISSUE: FEELING DISCONNECTED

Telltale signs: “We don’t get married for economic necessity, like in the past. Now we want to feel madly, passionately in love, but that’s hard to keep up,” says Kathleen Mates-Youngman, a marriage and family therapist in Mission Viejo, California, and the author of Couples Therapy Workbook. What was once passion turns into the logistical ho-hum of soccer practices and dry-cleaning pickup, and the marriage suffers from neglect. “Couples start to take the relationship for granted and don’t give it the attention it needs,” says Mates-Youngman. “There are external stressors, and hurt feelings start to build up. Then people begin to feel resentful and stop trying.”

What a therapist would advise:

You can probably guess: Put time and attention into your relationship like you would any project that’s important to you. “Big gestures require big effort and are less likely. Instead, focus on the simple things that matter to your partner,” says Scott Stanley, Ph.D., a coauthor of Fighting for Your Marriage. “If your partner takes a walk every day after dinner for 15 minutes and you’ve stopped doing it with him, start it up again. We all know the little things that we could do on any given day that our partners appreciate. Do them.” And don’t underestimate a cheesy conversation. Think about the getting-to-know-you topics you spent hours dissecting early on in your relationship. For example, “Would you rather be with people or alone when you’re feeling stressed?” says Cole. “You think that you know someone, but you might be really surprised at the answer.” As unromantic as it sounds, you need to put time to talk on your calendar—even if it’s just 10 minutes a day. You might also re-create an early, memorable date to bring past sparks into the present, says Miles Wagman, a licensed family and marriage therapist and the director of the Relationship Center, in Red Bank, New Jersey. (Wait, is Almost Famous playing anywhere?) Definitely don’t: Accept that this is just what happens over time. Relationships don’t have to become predictable; they get better as you learn more about yourself and your partner. Will you lose the connection at certain stressful periods (ahem, the survival mode of having small children)? Sure. But during those times don’t blame. Be patient and gentle with each other, and make it a habit to use questions rather than demands, says Marina Williams, a therapist in Boston and the author of Couples Counseling: A Step by Step Guide for Therapists. Instead of “You need to spend less time on the computer,” try “Could we find a way to spend less time on the computer and more time together?”

“We all know the little things that we could do on any given day that our partners appreciate. Do them.”

THE ISSUE: AVOIDING CONFRONTATION

Telltale signs: You’re upset about something, so naturally you walk right past your partner when you get home from work and turn on the TV. Or maybe you escape the house—long hours at the office, CrossFit every morning. Avoiding confrontation or unhappiness by disappearing (emotionally or physically) can be common for people who grew up in volatile homes, says Williams: “Partners avoid confrontation when experience teaches them that it results in negative consequences.”

What a therapist would advise:

Be willing to interact, even if it isn’t