Eat Clean

LOVE & CHEMISTRY

HOW TO BE VULNERABLE

Why letting your guard down can help you make time for cultivating closer relationships BY ERIN BRIED

One of the key determinants of how happy we are is our relationships. Great ones are based on trust, and in order to build that bond we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Think of the defining moments in your life—the first time you leaned in for a kiss, revealed something from your past or said “I love you.” To become closer, you had to step out of your comfort zone. “It requires bravery to open yourself up to a romantic partner, because they can hurt you like no one else,” says Joanne Wood, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Waterloo in Ontario. And yet, exposing those soft spots—allowing yourself to be truly seen and deeply known, flaws and all—is actually the surest route to intimacy. “When we stay closed, we cut off opportunities to feel loved,” Wood says. Whether you’re on your first date or you’ve been together for years, here are three ideas to help you put yourself out there more—and be glad you did.

SHARE—BUT START SMALL

When you’re getting to know someone, there’s a fine line between authenticity and too much information. “A gradual increase in intimacy leads to more liking,” explains Stan Treger, a social psychology researcher at DePaul University in Chicago. According to a study he coauthored in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, sharing personal information generally makes others like you more. But ramp up slowly and let the conversation flow. Equally important, remember to listen: Being a good listener boosts “feelings of similarity and familiarity,” Treger adds, and encourages your partner to reciprocate.

GO NO-FILTER IN REAL LIFE

In newer relationships, most of us try to present an idealized version of ourselves. But as you spend time together, each person’s real self inevitably becomes apparent. “It would be difficult to maintain a perfect persona over time, and to try would be absolutely exhausting,” says Julie Longua Peterson, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at the University of New England in Biddeford, Maine. If you’re nervous about revealing your true self, consider this: Do you really believe that your partner’s love is contingent on your perfection? Do you expect your partner to be perfect? Likely, the answer to both questions is no—for most of us, a person’s idiosyncrasies are what make them distinctly themselves. In fact, they could be what you love most.

KEEP PEELING AWAY LAYERS

It can seem scary to divulge an emotional need or a sexual fantasy. To feel more comfortable, channel a time when the person you’re with has been encouraging, rather than unreceptive. Or, if you don’t yet have that kind of history together, try to focus on the potential rewards of your revelation instead of the uncertainty. We’ve all put ourselves out there and felt hurt or embarrassed at some point. But to reach the next level and create the kind of connection that we all crave, it’s worth the risk.