6 minute read
Making Room For The Broken Heart
BY SHAYNA KAUFMAN
Last Spring, when my dad was in seemingly full health for an 89-yearold, I wrote an article for L’chaim Magazine entitled Shiva: A Profoundly Mindful Judaic Ritual. I recounted the depth, sorrow, beauty and profound mindfulness of mourning my mom’s passing two years prior.
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Weeks after I submitted the article, my dad was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. The article was published in June, three weeks before he passed away. I remember my brother Eddie quietly reading the article aloud to me, my sister-in-law Blayne and my nephew Ben as we sat around the kitchen table of our childhood home. Our dad was asleep in his recliner in a nearby room. When Eddie finished reading, we were speechless and teary-eyed. We knew another Shiva was around the corner. And we knew, with Covid, Shiva would look and feel very different this go-round.
My dad’s funeral was aired on zoom with over 100 people in attendance. Shiva was limited to our large immediate family with the looming awareness that even this was medically risky. We had a few subsequent shiva zooms with friends and relatives. Though we appreciated the love and support, seeing names and faces on a screen could not replace hugs or the palpable shared grief of a room full of mourners. I did my concluding Shiva walk with my husband sans a Rabbi, after saying Kaddish on Zoom.
Covid also changed my subsequent mourning. Gone was the opportunity to grieve in the quiet and stillness of my synagogue and meditation center. Gone was the presence of others to bear witness to and hold my grief. And though zoom opportunities were plentiful, gone was the in-person intimacy.
By early fall, with Covid not relenting, I realized that I needed to create a dedicated time and space to fully mourn. I decided to meditate in the early morning, when the house is quiet and the sun rising. Being awake and still during the sunrise proved to be as beautiful and powerful as any sanctuary. I resumed hiking my “sacred” Cowles Mtn. in times of sorrow knowing that my friends could safely support me and the earth could hold my grief. And I participate in virtual services and retreats, for longer opportunities of presence. During one retreat involving movement, I recalled dancing with my father at my wedding as he cried. I realized his tears were his farewell to me. I danced and cried with him alone in that quiet room, this time with me bidding him farewell. It was incredibly healing.
Every single one of us has so much to grieve right now. Even with vaccinations abounding, there has been an inordinate amount of loss, disruption, and fatigue. Though some mechanism for grieving are not available, you may be surprised at what you can create in the sanctity of your home or in nature. You just have to carve out time and create a sacred space. May we all make time to feel and heal and tend to what we lost and, in doing so, continue to move forward with grace.
SHAYNA KAUFMANN, PH.D. IS A PSYCHOLOGIST AND LONG-TERM MEDITATION PRACTITIONER. HER SPECIALTIES INCLUDE WEBINARS, WORKSHOPS AND MEDITATION INSTRUCTION TO WOMEN IN MIDLIFE.
THE CURRENT JEWISH AFFORDABLE HOUSING CRISIS
Emergency housing assistance is one of the most frequently requested areas of help from the Kindness Initiative. “For the last few weeks I have been living in an neighbor’s garage and looking for a place I can afford on the $850 I receive a month. I will be homeless tomorrow. Please help me.” “I need help. My landlord is selling our home, and we have to move out in 30 days, but I can’t find anything I can afford for me and my two kids.” “My husband lost his business. They foreclosed on our home and now we can’t make the rental payments on the new place…” These are just a few of the desperate voicemails and service requests received by the Kindness Initiative in recent weeks.
Is poverty an issue in our Jewish community? Yes, and it’s significant. PreCovid, roughly 20% of San Diego’s Jewish community was living near or below the poverty-level, and more than a year into the pandemic, that number of local families touched by income and housing insecurity has only increased. Both the cost and the availability of housing, as well as lack of income and credit-standing are limiting factors for many families in our community, where the median monthly rent is more than $2,200 for an 800 square foot unit. Complicating the matter further, most more affordable housing options are further away from the services and resources a household relies on, requiring difficult decisions about continued access to a child’s school, or proximity to a synagogue, or healthcare facility.
At present, there is a lack of affordable housing throughout San Diego, and in turn, for many people in our Jewish community. Those who are eligible for governmentfunded housing programs far outnumber available units, and waitlists can take years. Without an effective housing safety-net, our community faces a housing crisis, and we cannot wait while policy-makers continue to debate about how to increase the number of affordable units. In San Diego’s Jewish community, we need to take matters into our own hands, and develop a community-based solution to address it.
The Kindness Initiative is working to assist our Members who are struggling to keep a roof over their heads. For most, they fall into the category of “functional homelessness,” where they are forced to rely on temporary living space in hotels, in their cars, or if they’re lucky, doubling up in the homes of friends or family members. But these are not long-term solutions, nor do they meet the standard of dignity to which the Kindness Initiative aspires: no Jewish person should lack a roof over their heads or worry where their next meal is coming from.
Rooted in the Talmudic obligation that “All Jews are responsible, one for another,” the Kindness Initiative needs your help to address this growing need for housing in our community.
WHAT CAN YOU DO? There are a number of ways you can support our work and your fellow Jews. 1. Are you or someone you know looking for a roommate or flat-mate to share expenses? We may have a qualified Member who will fit your needs, and you’d both be helping each other. 2. Do you have a rental unit or a “granny flat” that you could offer at a below-market rent to qualified Kindness Initiative Members for 3-12 months? We can work with you to craft an appropriate lease and ensure payment, as well as provide a tax deduction. 3. Can you support the KINDNESS RENT-RELIEF FUND, used to off-set rental costs for up to a year, as people get back on their feet and regain self-sufficiency? Even $100 per month can make a huge difference in the life of a local Jewish household.
These are emergency short-term solutions, which need to be addressed now, but we are also working towards longer-term solutions. The Kindness Initiative is looking for partners to develop permanent, affordable housing options for Jews in our community. These opportunities range from the purchase of a multi-unit rental property to accommodate a variety of Members, to the acquisition of a lot which could accommodate several “tiny houses” in a desired neighborhood, and a variety of other concepts. If you want to be part of this community-based solution, to ensure affordable housing for all Jews in San Diego, we’d love to work with you.
