Mazel and Mishagoss

HUMOR | BY STEPHANIE LEWIS

mazel & mishagoss

How to Decide Which Family You'll "Bubble-Up" With

Relying on Zoom to hang out with someone else’s mishpachah is not going to satisfy us for much longer. Let’s face it — Jews MUST kibbitz and schmooze together in person. How else can we a) Smell the fresh pears hanging in the Klein’s sukkah or the latkes frying in the Silvers’ kitchen? b) Judge that halucious new sofa the Steinbergs just bought? Or c) Snoop through the Horowitz’s medicine cabinet when using their bathroom? The answer is forming a “Covid Bubble” or a “Quaranteam” with another family who is deemed safe and healthy to be around.

We’re already familiar with this concept. It’s just like joining a Havurah group from temple or shul. Only instead of becoming obsessed with the three F’s (Family/Food/ Fun) we’ll fixate on staying germ free. But unlike a Havurah, your synagogue won’t place you into compatible “Bubbles” based on the ages of your kids or if the adults play mahjong. So of course, Jews must designate an official Family Matchmaker because we cannot decide these things for ourselves. You’ll be happy to know I volunteered for this new position. If you’re upset with whom I pair your clan with, you can complain or kvetch to someone else called “Lament-a, Vent-a Yenta.” But if you’re pleased with your matched family, leave a nice review with “Content-a Yenta.” I’ll get a raise.

Being a creative event-planner who puts on elaborately themed Bar Mitzvahs and simchas, I also provide fun activities for all my matched “Bubble Families.” I pour bubble bath in their jacuzzies, lay bubble wrap on the floor for stomping, and provide Bazooka Bubble gum as a party favor. Okay, okay, I digress. Here’s a concrete example of how I would evaluate another family to see if they’re compatible with my own large and neurotic household:

PROS OF THE LIEBERMAN FAMILY

• They just got a super cute fluffy kitten! • Mrs. Leiberman is a great cook and makes the fluffiest matzo balls! • Mr. Leiberman likes sports and will organize softball games between the families! • They have a teenage daughter (Ruby) who babysits! • They have a swimming pool! • They share our belief system about only s singing one chorus of Dayenu on Passover! • They have a Netflix account so we can binge watch Shtisel using their account!

CONS OF THE LIEBERMAN FAMILY

• Anyone who pets or “oohs and ahhs” at their mediocre scruffy kitten must clean the stinky litter box. • Mrs. Leiberman uses only full fat cream, butter, cheese, and beef in her recipes and thinks “Low-Cal” is a term for people who reside in the valleys of California. • When a stray softball grazes your child’s hand, instead of offering ice and bandages, Mr. Leiberman gruffly shouts, “Shake it off! Would Moses cry?” • Ruby sneaks out to see her boyfriend in the middle of the night. (The boyfriend is social distancing … with his entire high school cheerleading squad.) • They don’t heat their pool and lackadaisical Ruby (who claims to babysit) doesn’t supervise her younger siblings because she’s texting the boyfriend…so they pee in the shallow end. • They may shorten Dayenu, but they have an entire two-hour long comedy routine (that’s not very funny) revolving around the prophet Elijah and their broken doorbell. • They speak fluent Hebrew, so they turn off the subtitles for Shtisel!

Never get hurt feelings if the family you’re matched with declines. It doesn’t mean you have bad breath, or your kids have too many temper tantrums. It usually comes down to the fact that your Cons outweigh your Pros. For example, the Lieberman family (above) politely turned me down when I asked them to Bubble with us. What chutzpa! When I was certain they weren’t looking, I snuck a peek at their own Pro/Cons list and saw that under “Cons” someone had written, “The mother (Stephanie) is a nosy snoop, her brisket is dry, she’s judgy with our daughter Ruby, and she makes crucial decisions using dumb Pro/Con charts. Plus, she’ll probably end up writing about us in her column at L’CHAIM magazine!”

STEPHANIE D. LEWIS APPEARS IN THE COMEDY SECTION OF THE HUFFINGTON POST AND WRITES AT ONCEUPONYOURPRIME.COM

JNF-USA GOES VIRTUAL FOR 2020 NATIONAL CONFERENCE

Jewish National Fund-USA’s (JNF-USA) 2020

National Conference will, for the first time, be held virtually, announced the organization’s National President, Dr. Sol Lizerbram.

Slated for October 18 – 23, 2020, JNF-USA’s Virtual National Conference will continue to serve as the organization’s premier planning and celebratory event. This year’s conference will again feature a substantive program with a focus on how JNF-USA is impacting Israel’s present and future, all available from the comfort of the participants’ own homes. The Conference will include an inspiring Opening Event on Sunday evening, two 45 minute informative and lively sessions each day (Monday – Thursday), and an exciting Closing Event on Friday. The full program can be found on jnf.org/virtualnc.

“As it does so ably and efficiently, Jewish National Fund-USA is making the best of the current situation and following through on its promises to Israel, its people, and our partners,” said Lizerbram. “This will be a great opportunity to review our tremendous accomplishments and shift our focus on successfully achieving the goals of 2021.”

Featured topics and discussions will focus on how JNF-USA is helping Israel shape itself as the food and culinary capital of the world; the tremendous strides JNF-USA is making to support Israel’s role as a leader in global food, energy, and water security; a behind-the-scenes look at the world-wide impact of the training international students receive at the Arava International Center for Agriculture Training; and much more.

“The Virtual National Conference will be an opportunity to reflect on the past year, share how we pivoted with the times and continued to deliver on our promises to the land and people of Israel, and lay out the foundation for our vision for the upcoming year,” said Jewish National Fund-USA San Diego President Shari Schenk. “Next year, we hope to see everyone in Israel for JNF-USA’s 2021 National Conference!”

Sponsorship opportunities are available for the 2020 Virtual

National Conference at levels from $500 – $25,000. “This is a significant time and a wonderful opportunity to show your support for Israel,” said Jewish National Fund-USA Vice President, Communities and Regions, Kenneth Segel. “Those who sponsor the 2020 Virtual National Conference will get a two-for-one deal, and receive recognition at the 2021 Conference in Israel as well. Our vital work in Israel continues despite the challenging times, and our vision for the future is bigger than ever.”

Registration for Jewish National Fund-USA’s 2020 Virtual National Conference is now open at jnf.org/virtualnc. Jewish National Fund-USA is offering a complimentary registration Zoom spot to members of its World Chairman’s Council, King Solomon Society, Negev Society, and those who have registered for the 2021 National Conference in Israel.

For more information about the National Conference or how to get involved with Jewish National Fund-USA, contact Monica Edelman, San Diego Director, at medelman@jnf.org or 858.824.9178 x988.