2021 Predictions

Well, that was fun WASN’T it? I mean, don’t you wish EVERY year could be 2020? Record heat, record rain, record hurricanes, record stock market drop, record stock market rise; throw in racial strife, an election and oh by the way a global pandemic. For a while there, I thought I’d taken a trip in the ole VTC “Ball of Confusion” time machine back to the 60’s. But if you’re reading this, I guess we’re all still here.

For us in the green industry, we went from wondering if we were going to be allowed to work and survive, to having a remarkably busy year. Others who had been rockin’ and rollin’ endured 10 months of hell. See how tough this prognostication business can be? But ONCE again for you, our faithful readers, I’m going to give it a try. As always, a disclaimer for THE MAN. In this time of rampant free speech and truthfulness in our politicians, press, and social media (eye roll), it has always been the goal of this column and the VTC Journal to be a beacon; a lighthouse in the turbulent waters to guide you to safe harbor. Rather than doing this with a blunt object, we choose satire as our vehicle. Some might be offended by what is contained in the next 1000 or so words, and in fact we would be offended if you were not offended. So, we’ve both got that going for us. Without further ado then, and as Briscoe Darling would say – “jump in where you can and hang on!”

The hoped-for calmer, gentler America gets off to a rocky start during Joe Biden’s inauguration. As the limo carrying the current and future presidents proceeds down Pennsylvania Ave. towards the Capitol, Trump suddenly opens the door and barrel rolls over to the curb where a waiting Hummer is strategically parked. While the inaugural motorcade continues onward, the Hummer makes a sharp right turn and backtracks towards the Potomac. Not wanting to give the outgoing President one more second of coverage, the networks choose to focus their attention on what Hollywood celebrities are on the grandstand for the next 20 or so minutes. But when Biden rises to take the oath of office, those gathered hear the screeching sound of dueling Fender Strats instead. Jolted by this, the massive crowd along the National Mall turn their eyes west just as fireworks erupt behind the Lincoln Memorial. A large curtain that has been hastily erected over the monument is dropped, revealing not only giant amps but Honest Abe sitting in his chair sporting a Trumpster style blond wig. Ted Nugent and Kid Rock take center stage for a five-minute rendition of Van Halen’s “Eruption,” followed by 50 Cent, Kanye, and the T-Man’s blistering delivery of Kanye’s “Gold Digger.” Struggling to regain control of the crowd, a furious Biden demands that the tape of him dancing to “Despacito” be played on the jumbotrons surrounding the Mall. Order is eventually restored when PEPCO kills the power to the Lincoln Memorial area.

In his own little twist on the inauguration, as Chief Justice Roberts rises to administer the Oath of Office after order has been restored, Prez Elect Biden tells him “that won’t be necessary” and instructs him to take a seat. The platform retracts slightly and up rises the holographic image of former justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. “Not that I was confident or anything, but just a little something we worked out several months ago” says a grinning Biden. After administering the oath, the hologram vanishes. “Don’t worry my fellow Americans” says Biden with a wink, “there’s more where that came from.”

The economic fallout from Covid begins to take a toll on universities as non-revenue sports fall victim to the budget cutting axe. Things really get ugly with the student body in Blacksburg however, when lobster bisque and Chilean sea bass are removed from dining hall menus. Hundreds of disgruntled students chanting “hell no, it can’t go” block entrances to dining facilities and demand an end to the “barbaric” infringement on their culinary rights. The standoff and related hunger-strike goes on for weeks as the 24-hour news networks set up shop on the Drillfield and offer streaming coverage on the “basscam.” The crisis is finally resolved when University officials agree to offer the bisque on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and the bass on Tuesday and Thursday.

A caravan of black SUVs descends upon the maintenance facility of Snout River Golfin,’ Fishin,’and Huntin’ Club in Southside VA early one August morning. As cameras roll, FBI agents working with Homeland Security “storm” the building and arrest 1st Assistant Zeke Hopper. As Hopper is dragged into the back of a waiting SUV, CNN reporter Noticias Falsas observes Hopper wearing a “Hannibal Lecter” style mask. When Falsas presses him for information, Agent Fred Hasselbob explains that “we’ve been monitoring Hopper on the Facebook. Mr. Hopper has been very vocal and labeled the Covid vaccine just another Russian plot, and strongly discouraged others from taking it. We sent an agent in to work undercover on the maintenance staff. He befriended Zeke, gained his confidence, and ultimately fell in love with him. This allowed him to closely observe his eating habits which included consuming possums, snakes, monkeys, and hedgehogs. Turns out the goal was another pandemic which would boost play at Snout River.” When reminded that this all sounded like a plotline on Netflix’s “Ozark,” Hasselbob bristles and retorts “you tell your stories and I’ll tell mine, Falsas.”

After Bryson DeChambeau unleashes a 425-yard drive during the 2021 Phoenix Open, a large object goes bounding down the fairway. Thinking that the club must have slipped out of his hands, an alert cameraman zooms to the debris. Viewers are horrified however, when the closeup reveals that in fact Dechambeau’s arm separated from his body at the shoulder joint. Sir Nick Faldo pounces on the moment to exclaim “See! I’ve been talking about these younger players and their bodies breaking down with these ridiculous swing speeds. There’s a prime example!”

As a byproduct of the pandemic, bunker rakes, ball washers, water coolers, and sand bottles are declared unnecessary and detracting from the true spirit of the game. Next on the list: greens books.

Speaking of things on the list, the annual Masters prediction. Always on the cutting edge, the folks on Magnolia Lane announce all patrons for the 2021 event will be required to wear MagMics . Embedded in all tickets and badges and thereby unique to each user, they allow officials to monitor the pontifications of those that need to let the world know how they feel about a golf shot struck a micro-second earlier. Calibrated to record any shouted stupid phrase above 90 decibels, the MagMic also uses “Find My” technology used in Apple products to immediately locate the patron anywhere on property. Within minutes the offender can be located, transported to the clubhouse, branded, and deposited into the newly constructed “green mile” tunnel which connects to the city sewer system. Then you can Andy Dufresne yourself back to Washington Road and your parked vehicle, never to be seen on the grounds again.

Well once again, I am exhausted. You have no idea how much energy it takes to move back and forth between the spirit world and what you think is reality just to glean this information. And as always, I do it for free. Gentle reader, you know that I would never take the political road and beg you for money. However, love offerings will be reluctantly accepted. For those that choose to do so, thank you in advance. And for those that do not, remember: as bad as it was, it can ALWAYS get worse. Here’s to 2021!

Mark Vaughn, CGCS