Ambiguous Friendships: and Moving Forward

After about five years of friendship, I started to accept that our interactions were no longer fulfilling. I began to wonder if we were ever friends at all. We would Face Time almost every day, travel together, enjoy inside jokes, and share plenty of memories. But I would also notice the snide remarks and the jokes made at my expense. The sense of entitlement to my time and dismissal of boundaries regarding what I was comfortable sharing. Like clockwork, thoughtful gestures of “checking on you” phone calls and her suggestions for girls’ nights came, bringing greater confusion. Despite my gratitude for having a friend who showed concern and interest in my life, I began to wonder, Are her actions genuine or just a way to pry into my business? The final straw was during a conversation with another friend when she casually made a comment against my character and laughed it off. I thought, Surely, this did not come out of her mouth (clutches pearls). I thought I’d let it go but I could not get past this person coming against my character, my beliefs, and desires she knew God placed on my heart. When I finally was able to address the situation, I was met with dismissal. “It’s not a big deal.” “It was just a joke.” She could not respect my differences and boundaries and the negatives of the relationship clearly outweighed the positives.

According to the late British sociologist Ray Pahl’s poll, approximately two-thirds of the 1000 people polled identified their friends as one of primary causes of stress in their lives (as cited in Flora, 2013). This is why it’s important to take stock of our friendships. Even Proverbs 12:26 reminds us that the righteous choose their friends carefully.

Ambiguous friendships in a nutshell are those where you don’t exactly know where you stand with the other person, like the friendship I mentioned earlier. One minute you feel like they have your back. The next, you’re wondering if they might stab you in the back. They may seem fluent in backhanded compliments or make it difficult to know if they’re intentionally trying to hurt you. You may often find yourself giving these interactions the benefit of the doubt because this friend provides intermittent support, but you can never quite put their finger on why you leave those interactions feeling unfulfilled. Because most relationships are a mixture of positive and negative and we don’t view ambivalent relationships as too crazy or wrong, we often find them harder to end than the purely toxic or strongly negative ones. We may even feel a sense of obligation to maintain the relationship, even if we’re not fulfilled, because it’s “not that bad.”

Ambiguous relationships can be characterized by uncertainty, mixed signals, and a lack of clarity about the nature and direction of the relationship. Some signs of ambiguous relationships include the following:

• Mixed Messages: One or both parties send mixed signals about their feelings, intentions, or level of commitment, causing you to spend a lot of energy analyzing the situation.

• Unclear Boundaries: There’s confusion or ambiguity about the boundaries of the relationship. For example, it’s unclear whether it’s purely platonic, romantic, or something in between.

• Ambiguous Behavior: Actions and behaviors are unclear or open to interpretation, making it difficult to discern the true nature of the relationship.

• Mixed Feelings: One or both parties have conflicting feelings about the relationship. They may express uncertainty about their emotions or hesitate to fully invest themselves.

We may go along with these individuals, hoping for eventual payoff and hinting at our needs or desires passively, out of fear of disrupting the norm (Flora, 2013). This dynamic can occur even with long-standing friendships that once seemed straightforward. While ambiguity is natural at the start of new relationships, prolonged uncertainty becomes exhausting. Overall, ambiguous relationships can lead to frustration, anxiety, and emotional turmoil.

But are ambiguous relationships that big of a deal?

Holt-Lunstad and Clark (2014) found that subjects in one of their studies had lower blood pressure rates when receiving feedback from a supportive friend (primarily positive), contrasting with higher rates when receiving feedback from an ambivalent friend. Their study also states that there is evidence to support ambivalent friendships are more detrimental compared to supportive and even aversive (primarily negative) social relationships. Holt-Lunstad’s studies suggest that the unpredictability of ambivalent friends might heighten vigilance, explaining the blood-pressure spike, indicating that inconsistent “friends” might cause more stress than individuals we perceive as toxic.

So, how do we address ambivalent relationships? Should we just cut them off?

Although we live in cut-off culture, we can’t cut everybody off when things get rough. We may need to adjust our expectations or limit or change our type of interactions. As we know, “we all get hurt by the people we love, and unpleasant interactions don’t mean we should walk away” (Note: This does not apply to abusive relationships. Prior help is not an excuse for present harm.) (Grant, 2023).

Humility and Prayer

God cares intimately about us and every aspect of our lives – including our relationships and the people in them. Just because you may feel confused about a friendship doesn’t mean it’s God’s will to end it. And some friendships that we love dearly, the Lord may be asking us to lay them down. First, we must pray and give all our relationships to God, humbly asking Him how he wants us to deal with them. It may be Him using this situation to bring about a much-needed conversation we’ve been avoiding that will ultimately result in a deeper connection. Or you may realize you’ve put your trust in this person’s advice or validation, and He wants you to turn to Him. There could be some unexpressed boundaries you have that God wants you to honor to build trust and respect.

When I realized that my old friend had hurt me deeply, I took time to pray to make sure I was not acting out of offense (Proverbs 18:19). I also spoke with my therapist and spiritual leaders for wisdom on how to navigate this. I even prayed for her and what may have led to that behavior. I also reflected and checked to see my role in the situation, asking the Lord “How did we even get here?”

Truth, Honesty, and Vulnerability

It can be uncomfortable to be vulnerable in sharing our authentic self with others because we may find out we are no longer in alignment, and it looks like we can’t keep friends at our age. However, we won’t know if someone is a fit if we’re not being open and honest about how we feel, who you are, and what we need and desire.

Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. – Ephesians 4:15-16 (English Standard Version)

Without me learning more about my values, I probably would have brushed the comment off and not realized that the statement made was a direct attack on who I am as a person. If I kept quiet and gave the benefit of the doubt instead of speaking truthfully, I would not have known that the person would double down on their statement, rather than apologizing and seeking reconciliation. This shows that while we should pray without ceasing, God often requires us to take steps, such as initiating a conversation, to gain clarity on what His will is.

Discernment

The Bible is full of scriptures about the types of friends and relationships we should have. In addition, we can draw wisdom from our prior experiences.

“There are ‘friends’ who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.” — Proverbs 18:24 (NLT)

“A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.” –Proverbs 16:28 (NIV)

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4

“Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man, thou shalt not go: lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.” – Proverbs 22:24-25 (KJV)

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” -- 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

Loving and healthy friends are supportive, nonjudgmental, forgiving, cooperative and loyal and they possess self-control. These scriptures can help us determine if someone is a good friend for us. They also hold a mirror to our own reflection to see if we are indeed a good friend to others.

Discussion of Values

In our last issue of Legacy eMagazine, we discussed the importance of aligned values. Relationships can become unclear and uncertain when one person evolves while the other remains stagnant, or when you find yourself conforming to a group whose beliefs differ from your own. Ambivalent friends exhibit goals, values, or habits that subtly diverge from your own, leading to a gradual detachment from your true identity and the aspirations that best align with it (Flora, 2013). Discussing our values requires learning more about ourselves and what our values are, which can take time if we’re not already familiar with them. The good thing is things that bother us or bring us great joy often shed light on our values. So, observing straightforward and supportive vs ambiguous friendships and how we feel in each can give us deeper insight into what aligns with us.

Moving Forward

Lue (2015) reminds us that “unambiguous people have actions and words that consistently match over an extended period of time.” Let’s focus on and show appreciation for those unambiguous friendships. In all our relationships, it is not enough to go off what feels right or good, but rather the Lord wants to show us the people He desires to be in our lives and how we can best honor and cultivate those relationships. With hu- mility, prayer, truth, honesty, vulnerability, discernment, and an understanding of and commitment to our values, we can lovingly decline those relationships that don’t align and move into the fullness of beautiful connections God has in store for each of us.

Sources

• Flora, C. (2013, January 2). The mixed bag buddy [and other friendship conundrums]. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201301/the-mixedbag-buddy-and-other-friendship-conundrums

• Grant, A. (2023, May 28). The most toxic relationships aren’t what you think. https:// adamgrant.substack.com/p/the-most-toxic-relationships-arent#:~:text=We%20all%20 get%20hurt%20by,jobs%20than%20abandoning%20them%20altogether.

• Holt-Lunstad, J., & Clark, B. D. (2014). Social stressors and cardiovascular response: Influence of ambivalent relationships and behavioral ambivalence. International Journal of Psychophysiology, 93(3), 381-389.

• Lue, N. (2015, June 17). Are you open to interpretation? why healthy relationships & happiness have no room for ambiguity. Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue. https://www. baggagereclaim.co.uk/are-you-open-to-intepretation-why-healthy-relationships-happiness-have-no-place-for-ambiguity/#:~:text=Here%20is%20exactly%20what%20 being,haven%27t%20been%20ruled%20out

• Wiserword. (2022, May 24). Three manifestations of the ambiguous relationship between men and women. Medium. https://medium. com/love-and-marriage/three-manifestations-of-the-ambiguous-relationship-between-men-and-women-85d769399bc5