7 minute read
Grief is the new normal
Grief became Dr. Heather Taylor's new normal in 2009 when her younger brother Garrett died suddenly at the age of 22. Yet, the way the world addressed the loss didn’t feel “normal” to her. Heather recalls the acute grief as profoundly painful, expressing the closeness she shared with her brother and the void his absence left in her heart. She tackled her pain with a two-fold plan: investing in herself making time to achieve goals, and seeking therapy to learn how to cope with her loss.
While training for a marathon, she also explored various grief therapies that often felt disconnected. Disappointed by experiences where practitioners merely played VHS tapes instead of engaging with her, Heather recognized the need for alternative options and felt compelled to be part of the solution.
She admits now, that maybe this passion just needed to be unearthed, noting that before this loss and utter need for better grief care, she jumped from job to job, not truly feeling a connection with her work. The prior barista turned Microsoft coordinator, turned Barnes and Nobles' district assistant, finally found the work that resonated with her soul, Grief work. She enrolled in a Psychology Doctoral program and has worked tirelessly with grief and loss since.
Now, as a licensed psychologist specializing in grief, Heather has embraced social media as a platform to reach a broader audience grappling with loss, offering relatable content and a podcast. Her podcast, “Grief is the New Normal” provides foundational grief knowledge, language, and resources to help support people in different seasons of grief. She acknowledges the evolving landscape, noting the role of platforms like Instagram in providing spaces for people to grieve and share the legacies of their loved ones.
After twelve years of clinical grief work, Heather shares with Get Griefy some important things to know as you navigate your own grief journey or help support those around you:
There are no stages. That’s right, I said it. We are throwing those stages of grief out the window. Grief isn’t something linear, predictable, or concrete. It ebbs and flows over time. It changes. Different dates and experiences can bring up different emotions from anniversaries to shopping at the grocery store to our own birthdays. There are different emotional states or themes that we experience when in grief, but we can’t predict which state we are going to be in on what day. Or moving back and forth between different grief-related emotional states. We need to move away from this belief that they occur in a predictable order. Loss is unpredictable and thinking that we can have a concrete process to move through our own grief is giving a false sense of control over the situation, a lived experience where we have no control.
Grief doesn’t go away. This didn’t happen for a reason. This isn’t something that can be fixed. This isn’t something to “get over”. There is not a magic phrase that’s going to suddenly make it okay. And THAT’S OKAY. It’s learning how over time and intentionality to move through the grief into something different. Nothing we experience will replace our person or people. We just learn to carry those memories differently. I think when we see someone suffering or grieving, we want to try to make it better, to “fix it”. That’s why there are so many cliché phrases people throw around when there is a death. Grief can be painful, hard, overwhelming, confusing, and just sad. To support our people who are in seasons of grief, we need to accept our discomfort with not being able to change the situation and learn how to still show up, bring foods/emotional support beverages, be safe, affirming, normalizing and comforting to our people. Grief can feel so isolating that it’s really important we keep showing up, reaching out, and leaning into those griefy spaces.
Grief is on a spectrum. This reinforces the belief that there is no one right way to grieve. Understanding the different ends of the spectrum is important because it helps to normalize and validate the unique grief experiences, especially within a family system. On one end of the spectrum, we find intuitive grief. This is marked by externalized expressions of grief, such as crying, talking openly about the loss, and seeking comfort from others. People experiencing intuitive grief are more likely to wear their emotions on their sleeves, openly expressing their pain, and potentially more willing to seek out support from others to cope with their pain. On the other end of the spectrum, we have what is called instrumental grief. This is characterized by internalized emotions, a quieter or more stoic presentation, and reserved processing of loss. Those experiencing instrumental grief may not exhibit big emotions outwardly, but that doesn't mean they're not deeply affected by the loss. Instead, they tend to think and feel deeply, processing their emotions internally. They are reflecting on memories, maybe watching shows or listening to music that reminds them of their loved one. They are thinking about, reflecting on, and rebuilding their internal world to take into effect these outward changes. What’s challenging with this end of the spectrum, is that there can be assumptions that instrumental grievers are not “as sad” or “feeling it as much” or “didn’t love the deceased” as much because it’s a quieter style of grieving than the emotive end of the spectrum. It's important to recognize that neither form of grief is better or worse than the other. They are simply different ways of processing loss, and individuals may move along the spectrum depending on the day, the week, the hour It’s important to not make assumptions about how someone is feeling in their grief because of their level of external processing. The internal world is just as rich and important as the external one.
There is no final goodbye. It’s learning how to say hello again in a new way. Old-school grief therapy was all about endings, and final farewells and we’ve learned that finding meaningful and creative ways to integrate our lost person into our new normal is healthier and leads to more mental resilience.
Looking ahead, Heather aims to launch a Grief companion journal in the upcoming months and hopes to spearhead impactful initiatives and grief retreats alongside her colleague and partner in grief advocacy, Jen Reisinger, LMHC. Together, they have established “The Mourning Movement,” providing educational workshops, webinars, and forthcoming intensives tailored for both everyday grievers and clinicians seeking to enhance their grief support skills. Heather concludes with a vision: “We want to initiate a movement that fosters more safe spaces and opportunities for people to connect during seasons of grief I’m truly excited about speaking, training, and advancing grief awareness. ”
Check out more resources from Heather, including her podcast by following her on Instagram @grief_is_the_new_normal and visiting her website, www.griefisthenewnormal.com
