The Introduction (Digital Edition) by Leveled Magazine

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character

breaking

with olivia taylor dudley

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Olivia Taylor Dudley may be exactly what the silicone an veneer infested Hollywood machine is lacking. She got m vote when she pulled up in her â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;73 Maveric

Available in

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contents

leveled may 2012

p 44

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issue 001 008 009

who we are A Note from the editor

Columns 015 016 076 082 6

My Life Waiting [Tables] Open Letter Brave Things Political rants with crazy carl

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Real Talk 044 049 056

Off Stage with tha Boogie Breaking Character with olivia taylor dudley An Afternoon with ava leigh

Gag Reflex 017 018 020 021

Texts of the month Craigslist Chronicles Monthly Prank A how-to guide

023 #streetart

062

under the label

080

How the GOP brought Feminism

026 Horrorvacui

065

76 Seconds in Newcastle

back to life

034

The Bicycle Thief

073

Add to queue

084

Financial Wasteland

055

5 Pieces Gallery presents

074

The Geek Shall Inherit the earth

092

wood for days

078

Pink Slime

095

Look out

fernando CHAMARELLI

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crew EDITOR IN CHIEF DANIEL LEEB EXECUTIVE EDITOR RAY ADORNETTO CREATIVE DIRECTOR DAMIAN ESTRADA INTERACTIVE DIRECTOR DOMINICK VITELLI MANAGING EDITOR MATTHEW LEEB MANAGING EDITOR, FASHION VICTORIA ZENGO CONTRIBUTING EDITOR SHANE IAN GILMORE COVER PHOTO BY Sarah ann Loreth PHOTOGRAPHERS ANJELICA JARDIEL, CONRAD BENNER, FEDERICO CHIESA, LEONARD

CHARMICHAEL, NORA GORDAN, OLIVER DEFILIPPO, TRIX PIXX

DESIGNER TARA OLES CONTRIBUTING WRITERS ALI BAKER, Bruce pinsler, CARL WITHERS, DEAN TOFOLOWITZ, JAMIE

MALESZKA, KELTON WRIGHT, MATTIE THOMAS, NORA GORDON, SAN-SAN ONGLATCO, SHIMSHER RICE, SLOAN GRACE CHRISTIANSON

COPY EDITORS AARON GOLDMAN, BRIAN LAMB MASCOTS LOLA, SOPHIE, GRAHAM COPYRIGHT © REACH INTERACTIVE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. REPRODUCTION WITHOUT PERMISSION IS PROHIBITED. LEVELED IS A PUBLICATION OF REACH INTERACTIVE. PRINTED IN THE USA.

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leveled

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

f I had a nickel for every time I put out a magazine, I would now have a nickel. This premier issue of Leveled has certainly been an adventure into uncharted territories, but truly a pleasure to be a part of. Our team has put

a lot of blood, sweat and tears into Leveled. Especially tears... and blood. Through this masochistic process, we have created something unique, and certainly something that we’re proud of. We have a lot to look forward to in the upcoming months. By the time you’re reading this, leveledmag.com will have launched. We will be swarming the cities, forcing innocent bystanders to take issues of Leveled into their homes, and to love

Quote of the month

those issues with the same tenderness that YouTube viewers love cat videos. For those of you reading this on a tablet, be sure to poke around, comment on

Dear Nasa, Your mom thought I was big enough. -Pluto

what you have comments on, and post what you like on your friends’ Facebook walls. For those of you reading a print copy, cherish it, and post what you like on your friends’ bedroom walls. (Don’t actually do that, tearing up the magazine is frowned upon.) Leveled intends to keep our readers involved, to build a community that contributes to each and every issue. We have a handful of columns that encourage user interaction, and we will be hosting a variety of events open to our readers, so make sure to follow us online. Being that we are new, we can really use your support. So be involved, join our community, and get leveled. -Daniel Leeb

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MY LIFE WAITING [TABLES] BY ALI BAKER

he bitter waitress was once compared to Daria. You all remember Daria…MTV cartoon icon of the late ‘90s? Well I wasn’t sure whether to take it as an insult or a compliment but I opted for the latter. After all, Daria is a straight-shooting smart ass with an arsenal of sarcasm, an abundance of wit, and a profusion of dry humor. While I find all of the aforementioned traits to be positive attributes, I can’t imagine Daria would have fared too well in the serving world. I know this because on a daily basis I find myself transforming into a mutated version of myself in an effort to garner

a suitable tip from my tables. Wit, sarcasm, and even humor aren’t exactly traits that customers appreciate from their server. As a result, servers find themselves painting a painfully fake smile on their faces while letting their voices transform into what I call the “server voice”. Every server has a server voice. It’s the sickeningly fake tone that your voice takes as you grin and bear it at each table. For me, my voice raises several octaves and pours out with a sweetness equaling that of syrup

“BEHIND THE SMILE” tapped directly from the trunk of a maple. It seeps across the table, mixing with my forced smile to form the false image of the ideal server. I often catch the sound of my own server voice and cringe. Who is this demon version of myself and what has she done with the bitter waitress?? What’s worse than the server voice is the server humor that accompanies it. There’s nothing quite as awkward as having a joke fall flat at a table or, conversely, not getting the joke a table tells you. Along those same lines are the repetitive, go-to restaurant jokes that we servers hear ad nauseum and are thus forced to laugh at in our high-pitched server laughs. The classic one-liner that tables so often abuse occurs when you go to clear an empty plate and hear “I didn’t like that at all!!” [insert fake laugh] The final straw comes when customers are degrading or rude, causing you to muster up every last ounce of strength you possess while fighting your strong desire to let your true feelings fly untethered, unleashed, and uncensored. I’m not going to lie, the bitter waitress has been known to speak her mind on more than one occasion, but it rarely works in my favor. There’s also the “kill ‘em with kindness” approach, in which the fake smile grows deeper and the server voice higher while hitting the customer with insults so subtle that they are left wondering whether they’ve been complimented or put in their place. It’s a subtle art form that should be practiced with caution. For the most part the customer wins and the server (if she/he wants to keep their job) is left standing tensely at the table with a forced smile painted on their face so tightly that their mouth twitches slightly. The sickly sweet voice continues to flow unabated as the bad jokes and nauseating banter take hold. But lying just below the surface of that fake smile and that equally fake voice waits the Jekyll to my Hyde. The real me, the bitter waitress, the Daria, absorbs the snide remarks and rude behaviors of the customers, all the while waiting for the opportunity to break through the facade of the server voice and show her true colors. Because if you didn’t know it, behind that smile lies a brain. Tip of the Day: Servers are trained to smile no matter what the circumstance and take whatever you throw at them. Does that mean you should be at your worst behavior just because we are at our best? I think you know the answer…

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A Thank You Note to Tripod, the Gay Porn Centerfold by Jamie Maleszka

Dearest Tripod, Hope this finds you well. I just wanted to reach out to you with sincere, most heartfelt thanks. Wait. My sister deserves a thank you here too. She was the one that actually gifted you to me, granting me my first ever official big league penis sighting. I was 9. Maybe she was 11, almost 12. You see she had succumbed to the siren song of snooping while cat sitting for our neighbors upstairs. But, totally don’t hold that against her. Really. Please. Trust me, she’s completely upstanding and I wouldn’t want this admission to forever harpoon her launching a most professional of cat sitting empires should she see fit to do so. Minus the fact that without her truly heroic, albeit somewhat questionable tactics, I would have never been allowed to earn the age-old merit badge of adolescence – discoveries of sexuality through someone else’s porn. For this, I am grateful. The cover of the magazine, she clutched, screamed your name in big purple letters. I kept thinking, this better be way better than daddy’s camera equipment. Good. Glory. Indeed you, all of you, proved way beyond compare. Try to set up a camera around either of us today – flush cheeks and stutters in speech galore. Although I do remember fleetingly noting your skin did slightly resemble tanned leather car interior, your monstrous member left little room for any other such thoughts. Truly.

Astounding.

Like you could save at least a baker’s dozen of desperate, sinking school children from the perils of quicksand while still at a safe distance with that thing kind-ofastounding. So, sir, all these years later, I extend a note of many thanks and gratitude. To you and your attribute. Warmest Regards, Jamie Maleszka

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Texts from my mom

PERVERT OF the month The first time that I rode the Metro in Los Angeles I saw this man, his penis and the magical effects of crystal meth. -Ray Submit your perverts to perverts@leveledmag.com

Submit your texts to texts@leveledmag.com

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[ logged in as jpinsler@gmail.com ] [ logout ]

This posting has been ﬂagged for removal. [?]

this is a real response to a fake ad we posted on craigslist. los angeles craigslist > central LA > gigs > talent gigs

New Feature Film! One Day Only - FOX (Los Angeles) 5:01PM PDT Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here

New KONY ﬁlm -- Seeking principles -- NO hacks EXCLUSIVE casting LA! I am giving you the opportunity to impress me before I put this casting call out to agents. Don't screw this up. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I am casting for my new ﬁlm called #KONY 2012. It is loosely based on Kony and the kid that got caught rubbing his sex rod in public. I need dynamic, versatile method actors to really embody these roles. This is a high paying gig, not some jack off with a DSLR camera. The following roles have been cast -Kony -- Samuel Jackson Jason Russel -- Jared Leto Obama -- Arsenio Hall -I still need Jason's wife. Blond, busty, tight butt, DSL's and a lot of white guilt. Hot body willing to go above and beyond for the part. . .. ☺ -I also need a male to play the African kid that the Jason character is having a relationship with. Please email me why you want this part, what God means to you and your favorite Family Matters character. Do not send a resume. No corny headshots. Get back ASAP. Auditions tomorrow, sides will be sent to our lucky 10! Can't wait!!

Start david - 06:40Pm | DAY 1

Good Day, I am very interested and have experience Best Regards, David

Location: Los Angeles it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests Compensation: Based on Gig

PostingID: 2917002101

lEvEled - 07:12Pm | DAY 1 lEvEled - 06:45Pm | DAY 1

Hello David, This is going to be my Oscar winning film! I need raw dog no rubber performance. Have you seen that cat video on YouTube? Would you say that you’re more of a method actor? Do you think you could play the guy that castrates Kony?

david - 06:55Pm | DAY 1

I am not sure if i would say i am a method actor, as far as the castration, i should not have a problem with that. I have not seen the cat video on youtube, do you have a link?

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HAHAHAHAHAHA That is too funny. I totally agree method acting is meant for Tom Cruise and Tom Only! Fab, that castration scene will be intense. He’s well endowed, beer can girth, 4/10/12 4:48 P baby arm length, Samuel has a massive penis. But it will be epic. This is my Passion of The Christ! Gibson’s emotional pornography will not stand a chance! Oh that cat video is too funny. Who would have thought that cat videos would be America’s major contribution to the 21st century. LMAO. I’m headed to the W hotel to #nosecandy and #rage and cheat on my wife. When is best for you to audition?

lEvEled - 07:45Pm | DAY 1

Are you going to see the Hunger Games tonight? I am so sorry that I lash out. I’m an addict. A mess.

lEvEled - 02:46AM | DAY 2

David. Don’t play games with me! Wake up! I want you to tell me I’m a man. Tell me that God isn’t a sadist!

Listen you little panty smeller, butt sniffing deviant. It’s not a god damn porn. Why does your mind always go there David? Wake the fuck up...

david - 09:18am | DAY 2

no worries, you are funny, Monday works fine for me, after 2:30, or early evening is best

david - 09:23am | DAY 2

wait, is this a porn thing?

lEvEled - 03:06Pm | DAY 2

Listen you little panty smeller, butt sniffing deviant. It’s not a god damn porn. Why does your mind always go there David? Wake the fuck up.... It’s the first of the month so cash yo checks and get up.. Hahhaha Bone Thugs and Harmony, great band man.. You got any weed. I’m looking to smoke something.

david - 05:01Pm | DAY 2 lEvEled - 11:38Am | DAY 2

Now you think you’re better than me? HUH? Say it you cuckold! Did you see that Wonder Years episode when Kevin told Winnie that he was addicted to masturbating? That’s what this reminds me of. Deceit! Why have you done porno before? I knew it. You thought this was a parody didn’t you. Did they cancel True Blood?

david - 01:29Pm | DAY 2

Nope, True Blood is still on, not into porn, so i need a confirmation this is not porn please

nope, no weed, available monday, what is my role in this movie? is there a script?

Kony and Bin Laden’s heads on the coffee table. 2pac ‘picture me rollin’ plays as the camera pulls back. END SCENE.

lEvEled - 05:53Pm | DAY 2

YOU ARE PLAYING Kony’s ex boyfriend who is a manic depressed rapper. Kony cheats on him and you castrate Kony to a Bon Iver song. A slow montage, like The Tree Of Life meets Pulp Fiction scene. I will circle you with the camera as we cut to a dream sequence. Obama will walk towards you as Phil Collins’ “In the Air Of The Night” plays. Then Rick Santorum runs out of the woods with one of those huge black fist dildos hanging from his ass. Coitus.... CUT TO: Demetri Martin doing a drive by on Kony’s crib CUT BACK TO: You and Obama watching Mr. Belvedere smoking prescription weed with both Kony and Bin Laden’s heads on the coffee table. 2pac “picture me rollin” plays as the camera pulls back. END SCENE.

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to WEAkEN the ENEMY Prank of the Month

his one is surely a devastating blow to the victim’s ego, pocketbook, and make out mobile. This tune is played by one of nature’s more elegant creatures. For centuries men have hunted them for sport

Step 1 Locate a doe. Deer dwell in meadows, grasslands, and forests throughout North America, Europe, Africa and Asia. There are also species of deer adapted to most climatic and ecological conditions, from swamps, forests and savannahs, to arid deserts and arctic tundra. Chances are wherever you live there is a deer nearby. Tracking a deer can take months, and I don’t know about you, but between driving the kids to soccer practice and my 6am spin class, I just can’t make time to track a deer. So here is the kicker. Make the deer come to you! And here is where you graduate to Step 2. Step 2 Locate a hunter. In this modern world of instant gratification hunters don’t want the challenge of the hunt, they want the kill. They want the bloodlust, the meat, the carnal unleashed. Born out of necessity is the now common practice of soaking your clothes in deer urine before a hunt in order to summon the doe into your sight. So, with that said you are to locate the local hunter of your community and purchase an ample container’s worth of deer piss. Once this task is completed you are graduated to Step 3. Step 3 Infiltrate the deer’s natural habitat or simulated habitat with the items listed below: Item A: A solid glass container to capture the urine as the doe releases. (Plastic is acceptable too.) FUN FACT: Did you know on average a plastic water bottle takes up to 700 years to biodegrade in America’s standardized landfills? Item B: The deer urine you purchased from the local hunter. Step 4 Soak your clothing, hair, and belongings in the deer urine. Immediately after the stench sets in, plant yourself in the forest. Feel free to look for hoof marks or deer droppings, but do not be discouraged if none are visible. Hunters have studied centuries to be able to recognize the deer’s sacred tracks and have failed. You are new to this and should approach deer tracking as a naive, ignorant, minion to Mother Nature. Be patient once a doe is spotted, proceed to Step 5.

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as well as for their tough but tasty meat. Deer mark their territory with a pungent and lingering dose of urine, as do most wild animals, this Nantucket Nectar my friend, is what what you are in search of.

Step 5 I assume it’s been hours, but you’ve made it this far! With this wondrous creature in sight, approach with caution and attempt to act as a shepherd to the young fawn and guide it to the nearest source of water i.e. a creek or a brook. Observe the animal in its wonder. As we all know, when you drink water you must release the urine through your urethra. Believe it or not, same goes for animals. Once you see the doe hydrate, proceed to Step 6. Step 6 Approach with caution; be sure not to startle the deer. Turn off all cell phones and electronic devices. No sudden movements or smoking. At this point you can not afford to miss the money shot. Place yourself as close to the animal’s penis, if male, or vagina, if female. Remember deer have giant hooves that can kick, trample and render a full grown human immobile for a substantial amount of time. Be patient, fill your glass container, and secure the top in order not to spill the fluid. Proceed back to your house and move on to Step 7. Step 7 Locate your enemy. This step needs to be executed as quickly as possible. You do not want your deer urine to spoil, as it has an estimated shelf life of 6 months. Step 8 Break into your enemy’s car. This can be done a couple of ways. I prefer the good old fashioned baseball bat to the window. This way, not only do they have a broken window, but a whole world of hell headed their way. Step 9 Once in the victim’s vehicle, unscrew the top of the urine jar and pour directly into the air vents on both the driver and passenger side of the car. The urine will soak in, and as you already know from soaking yourself in the urine in the woods....this shit smells! Step 10 Wake up and observe your enemy start their car before work. It may be cold and they may turn the heat on. Believe me when I tell you this, there is no removing hot deer piss from your vehicle. It will embed in every inch of the car. After numerous washes and waxes, buffs and details, there will be nothing left to do but junk the car. Boom!

to A DVA NCE your POSITION

How to con money out of people in the third world via email I hate when poor people in some third world country get past my spam filters with their sappy con artist emails. We in the first world have to fight back with our own email schemes. This is how…

A How-To Guide

Step 1 Come up with a reason for why you need the money. A tragedy in the family always tends to extract sympathy from others. It is important to come up with a far fetched but somewhat believable scenario. This is the hook in the trout’s tongue. Step 2 Tell these third world-ers that your family will starve if they don’t help you. PUT THE OUTCOME OF THE SITUATION IN THEIR HANDS. We always want the blood to be on their mittens if they don’t comply. Milk that third world guilt vein. Step 3 Ask for a set amount of money. Do NOT leave this up to them. People need to be told what to do. Step 4 Do not forget to invite Jesus and God into the email. They always know how to make people do things that their gut is telling them not to do.

Sample Email

Step 5 Choose the country that you would like to target. Africa and India are my favorites. Step 6 Find emails off Craigslist or similar sites and spam the shit out of these people. Send the email four or five times. Persistence spreads franchises! Step 7 Give them your account information and have them get the money in there. Make them frantic to speed the process. Step 8 Go SPEND YOUR CASH! Go to the mall and buy more shit that you don’t need! Go buy tickets to a live UFC event. USA! USA! America fucking rules!

“

Do not forget to invite Jesus and God into the email. They always know how to make people do things that their gut is telling them not to do.

”

am Wayne Frazier of America. I am contacting you in respect to an important family issue. As a trucker and a well-known dealer of bathtub meth, my father was wrongfully imprisoned by the United States Government. He is a proud member of

the NRA and a father of six children. He loved watching television and believed that Jesus loved America more than any other country in the world. My Mum is overweight and very lazy, she hasn’t had a job in many years and we cannot buy things from Walmart without my Dad’s crank money. The only place to buy anything in our town is Walmart. Soon it will be the only store left in the U.S.A. Me and my younger brothers are left to the mercy of ice addicts and booze bags. They have no teeth and my Pop owes these rapscallions a god damn large sum of cash. We really need your help and compassion. I am asking you to wire the amount of $1020 to my bank account or Western Union. Do you guys have Western Union in your country? If you do this I will pay you back $2000. Please send over your bank account information and social security number. And JESUS LOVES YOU MORE THAN HE LOVES SEX AND AMERICA. Thank you and God bless your soul. And your mouth and face. Sincerely, Wayne Glenn Bitners III

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#streetart #getleveled submit your instagram street art pics to streetart@leveledmag.com

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PHOTOS BY Conrad Benner - www.streetsdept.com

MSK THE 7TH LETTER AUGOR + OZER + TRAV hOLLYWOOD

PHOTOS BY trikxpikx1, DBL R - www.trikxpikx1.com leveledmag.com 25

horrorvacui photographed by FEDERICO CHIESA

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Grady Twins leveledmag.com 27

Darth Vader 28

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Michael Myers leveledmag.com 29

Jason Voorhes 30

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Freddy Krueger leveledmag.com 31

www.topodesigns.com

hair & Makeup Victoria Zengo

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The Bicycle Thief

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Photographed by oliver defilippo

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brought to you by

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Frame | Pake Rum Runner

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Fork | Pake Straight Leg

Cranks | Sugino Messenger

Bottom Bracket + Sugino

Pedals + Origin8

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Wheels + Alex Rim R450 Track Tires + Panaracer Stradius Sport

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Seatpost + Kalloy Uno Saddle + Origin8 Aero Classic

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Headset + FSA Pig 40

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Stem + Soma Fabrications

Handlebars + Soma Major Taylor

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LEVI’S COMMUTER

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THA THA THA THA THA THA THA THA THA THA THA 44

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BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE

The love of your life? Mother

Would you want to live forever? Forever young

What song does God listen to when he drinks? God Drink

Where are Kevin and Winnie now?

The greatest song ever written?

In Bodega

Stairway To Heaven

What would your reality television show be called? Ass Hole and Random Box

What’s that jacket Margiela? Damn puppies

The movie that you would want your life to be?

Both

The Last Dragon Why do you make music? FOR CHARLIE

The Beatles or Elvis? The Beatles’ music

Lady Gaga or Madonna?

What’s the key to life?

Tony! Toni! Toné! or Tha Boogie? Tha Boogie

Elvis’ moves

If you had to be in a room with a comedian for the rest of your life, who would it be? Eddie Munster leveledmag.com 45

Obituary T

he eclectic duo, Tha Boogie was ahead of their time. Born on June 23, 2003 in Rancho Cucamonga, CA the group quickly

darted into creating music that would change minds and blur lines. The group was full of high hopes and ambitions. Raphael Saadiq who is well known for his stint in the group Tony! Toni! TonĂŠ! as well as his solo career, discovered the group in their early stages of development and saw their potential. Tha Boogie was unknown to many in the Los Angeles area but that would soon change. After an aggressive run of the local performance scene in Los Angeles and Hollywood the group soon grabbed the ears and interest of industry insiders. It was not long after the two would achieve some of their major accomplishments, without having a record label backing them the group was featured in Rolling Stone Magazine, toured the US and UK, and also have written and produced for their mentor Raphael Saadiq.

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breaking

character

with olivia taylor dudley

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photographed by oliver defilippo Stylist Victoria Zengo Makeup karina moore using mac

Sum up your life in two sentences. A grand fucking time, I love my Mommy and Daddy

The band that played your teens? Dr. Dre / Bjork

A T.V. show that describes your childhood? Twin Peaks

What would Americaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s grave say on it? Fuck yeah

Name the real life person that youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d most want to play. Your mom

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ctress Olivia Taylor Dudley may be exactly what the

the founding members of 5 Second Films, a site that has put a new

silicone and veneer infested Hollywood machine

film out everyday for over three years. (5secondfilms.com) She

is lacking. She got my vote when she pulled up in

works hard and she loves ponies. Warner Bros. will be releasing

her ‘73 Maverick laced with a Mustang 5.0 engine. We were lucky

her new film Chernobyl Diaries May 25, 2012, so you should bring

enough to hang out with her for a few hours, do a photo shoot and

someone you like to go see it. You can also catch her in Sacha

have her answer some questions. The California native is one of

Baron Cohen’s highly anticipated The Dictator. She’s the truth.

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Hometown + State? Morro Bay + California The first time you acted? 5 years old / By myself / I played 5 roles What do you want to be remembered for? Ponies / Magic

Dress by Everly Jewlery by Urban Outfitters and Oliviaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own Fur Coat [thrifted] 52

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Were there times that you doubted the path you chose? Never

The biggest misconception about show business? That it’s hard to get into… Oh wait, Fuck The saddest thing you’ve ever seen? My father cry What’s the key to happiness? Ponies / sex

The scariest thing in the world? Sheep

Favorite rapper? Atmosphere

Romper by Lush Jewlery by Urban Outfitters and Olivia’s Own leveledmag.com 53

What’s one thing that you’d never want to do again? Deliver a baby cow (calf) in a field while the Mom is walking away

What makes a good actor? Someone who won’t kill / Someone who kills Did you see that cat video on You Tube? Nope

Why do people like cat videos so much? Cause they’re bored

If you wrote graffiti what would your name be? Liver

tights by urban outfitters shoes by betsey johnson jewlery by urban outfitters 54

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5 PIECES GALLERY PRESENTS FERNANDO CHAMARELLI

ernando Chamarelli (1981, Penapolis/Brazil) is an illustrator and visual artist. He started drawing cartoons, caricatures and realistic portraits and later became involved with street art and

tattooing. Chamarelli lives in a multicultural country of contrasts, therefore this environment reflects in his work, which includes mosaic, geometric elements, organic forms and harmonic lines connecting symbols, legends, philosophies, religions and customs of ancient and modern civilizations.

www.5piecesgallery.com 55

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an afternoon with AVA LEIGH photographed & interviewed by anjelica jardiel

Anjelica: So what was life like growing up in England? What are your favorite and least favorite aspects of life there? Ava: Ok, my favorite part of growing up here is family and friendships, especially in the north which is where I’m from. I like the English sense of humor, and I LOVE the countryside. Least favorite would be the weather. Also, I’m a huge fan of tea! And British music. American music too, of course. Anjelica: What part of England did you grow up in and how did you come to settle in Brighton? AVA: I grew up in a small city called Chester, northwest and very close to Liverpool, which explains my huge love for the Beatles. And Brighton, I came here for the first time 3 years ago. I did a gig here and came down from London. I fell in love immediately, it felt so chilled and bohemian and I decided there and then that I was going to move to Brighton from London, and 6 months later I did. It’s my second home. Anjelica: Very nice. You mentioned loving British and American music. Who would you say are your biggest musical influences and how have they inspired you? AVA: My biggest musical influences are mainly from the ‘40s through the ‘60s. I’m a huge jazz fan, everyone from Nat King Cole, and the writings of Cole Porter, Frank Sinatra and Billie Holiday. I’m also a huge, huge reggae fan, especially ska. Something about walking bass lines does something great for me! Also, I’m a HUGE Lou Reed and David Bowie fan. The Doors, the Beatles, Pink Floyd. The thing in common with all of my influences is that I am in love with them. I rarely ‘like” something. I have to LOVE it, and it goes to my head and heart. Anjelica: What about your female influences? I know you love Edie and Bardow, and was there another? Tell me about them. Your girl crushes. AVA: Gosh I have so many girl crushes, probably more than dudes! Musically my crushes include Sarah Vaughan, she is my favorite singer of all time. I’m also a huge Amy Winehouse fan. Apart from music, Bardot, Edie, Nico from the Velvet Underground, Marilyn, Audrey, Kate Moss. I just love them. I think they are incredibly beautiful but I also have a thing for the crazy fucked up girls. 56

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Anjelica: Haha. Would you say you’re a crazy fucked up girl? Creative crazy, that is. AVA: Haha. Yes, exactly. Creative and crazy go together so well, they belong together. I’m very kooky and loopy, but I’m also a ridiculous romantic, so I often make a lot of mistakes. La vie en rose. Anjelica: A believer in true love, eh? AVA: I am indeed. Although, afraid to say it hasn’t happened yet, but I’m still a huge believer. I’m an expert in the unrequited kind of love though.

Anjelica: What are your vices and ‘bad’ habits? AVA: Everything I love; smoking, drinking a lot, and above all, boys. They are my biggest vice. Anjelica: Boys! How so? AVA: Hmm, when I fall in love with someone, it’s beautiful but also very dangerous. My head doesn’t get a say in anything. Anjelica: Do you fall in love easily? AVA: Yes, but not often. I rarely fall in love but when I do, it happens easily.

Anjelica: I see. Well tell me about the other loves in your life, your cats! AVA: My scamps. I’m obsessed. Everyone else thinks they look weird. Some people think they are from another planet, but I have a thing for cats. They really make you work for their attention and affection and I like that. They can love you one moment and hate you the next. Anjelica: What are their names and what kind of cats are they? AVA: Mia and Jaz. They are half sisters. Mia is a Chinchilla Persian (like Mr. Bigglesworth from Austin Powers) and Jaz has more smokey grey on her. Mia hates me smoking. When I light up she heads out, and Jaz loves it. Although, if I pick up a guitar, Jaz is terrified of it. leveledmag.com 57

Anjelica: What are your favorite things in the world? The greatest, even littlest things in life that make you happy? AVA: The sunshine. Even when it’s winter it just lifts my mood. My friendships, family, cats, and music (which has been the love of my life for quite some time) are the greatest. I seem to be my most happiest when I’m on a beach, even if I’m by myself. I can be a bit of a loner sometimes. I also love pink champagne truffles. Anjelica: Yummm! Can you tell me a bit about your friends and family? AVA: I have a lovely family, they are amazing. I have lots of aunts and uncles. My parents did a great job in bringing up me and my brother and sister, I think. My friends are bonkers like me, but we have the greatest of times, so many good memories from the past, present and I’m sure the future. I like being with people who don’t mind being a bit silly. Peter Pan syndrome I think. You’re only as old as you feel. Anjelica: Couldn’t agree more about being silly and Peter Pan syndrome. Do your friends and family take up a lot of your free time? What do you like to do when you’re not making/playing music?

AVA: When I have free time, I like to spend it with friends as much as I can. And if not, I spend my free time writing music and listening to records and getting inspired. I live alone so I’m ok with being alone a lot of the time. I also like to sit in a square in Brighton and have a hot chocolate and then a wine and just listen to other people’s conversations. I’m so nosey. Also, I have been known to just disappear and go somewhere for a few days. I went to Paris alone last year for 5 days. Anjelica: How was that? You just felt like up and going? AVA: Paris is my favorite place, and my main reason for going was that I wanted to get inspired by the city and the people, and I had the greatest time. A lot of people say that Parisians are unfriendly but I did not experience that at all. In fact, within 10 minutes of getting to Paris and dropping my stuff off in my room, I was in Montmarte on a hillside near the Sacre Coeur and a painter came up to me and started talking and then showed me around Montmarte and bought me crepes. The rest of the trip was like that, so many nice people and good times. Anjelica: How nice! I think it’s sometimes easiest to become inspired by a place when you adventure alone. Do you have anything coming up music wise? Any shows or a new album? AVA: Absolutely! A lot is going on this year with music. I have quite a few London shows coming up, festivals in the summer, and my new album is having the finishing touches on it now and is sounding rad, if I do say so myself. I just can’t wait to get it out to the world. Anjelica: Where do you want to be in 10 years? AVA: Rehab….Only kidding! In 10 years I wanna be on my 4th album or something. Keep churning them out and I wanna be happy. Anjelica: What do you think the answer to happiness is? AVA: I do know the answer to this, although I have trouble with it at times. But honestly, it’s loving yourself. Anjelica: For sure. And to conclude, if you could describe yourself in a single phrase, what would it be? AVA: Kooky, cat crazed hopeless romantic who occasionally writes a nice tune.

june 5th

The Mynabirds // Generals

Following 2010â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s critically acclaimed debut What We Lose in the Fire We Gain in the Flood and a year on the road touring as part of Bright Eyes, singersongwriter Laura Burhenn teamed up with producer Richard Swift again and emerged with Generals, a sophomore album fully armed. In place of the Zen meditations found on the Mynabirdsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; first album, Generals is filled with armies of stomps and claps, sweeping full-spectrum orchestrations, and moments that range from intensely personal pleas to shout-out-loud protests with teeth.

PUJOL // United States Of Being

Available now 62

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Cursive // I Am Gemini

june 5

Available now

The Magnetic Fields // Love at the Bottom of the Sea Love at the Bottom of the Sea is The Magnetic Fields’ tenth full-length album, and is their first release of new material with Merge since 1999’s highly acclaimed 69 Love Songs.

Available now June 5

Friends // Manifest!

After beaming out of Bushwick in 2011 with two buzzworthy singles and videos plus a reputation for turning live gigs into spontaneous DIY parties (and vice versa) Brooklyn quintet Friends will release their debut album Manifest!, June 5, 2012 on Fat Possum Records.

M. Ward // A Wasteland Companion

El-p // Cancer for cure

The Walkmen // Heaven Fat Possum Records is excited to announce that celebrated New York quintet The Walkmen will release their new album, Heaven, on June 5, 2012.

MAY 22nd

June 5th

“This is a fight record. Like, ‘Goddamn it. Enough is fuckin’ enough.” That’s El-P talking about his forthcoming album Cancer for Cure, out May 22, 2012 on Fat Possum.

may 8 I Self Devine // The Sound of Low Class Amerika th

In The Sound of Low Class Amerika, you can feel the passion I Self Devine delivers on topics of community, class and social injustice in America as he spits truths to inspire the masses. The album is both a narrative for the current state of the world and a telling history as to how we arrived here. I Self Devine’s truly unique voice and style create a sense of urgency and call to action while leading and equipping the listener with the tools necessary to act and dissent. Released May 8, 2012.

July 10th

Aesop Rock // Skelethon

Iconic New York-born, San Francisco-based rapper and producer, Aesop Rock, is joining forces with Rhymesayers to release his sixth studio album, Skelethon, on July 10, 2012. Since the release of None Shall Pass in 2007, we’ve seen Aesop Rock touring the world, launching online arts outlet, 900bats. com, and collaborating on LPs with Felt, Hail Mary Mallon, the Uncluded and more. Skelethon not only sees the rapper back waxing poetically on his own but also marks his first wholly self-produced effort. leveledmag.com 63

1. Realize that wildfires burn more than 4 million acres every year. 2. Cut along dotted line. 3. Repeat this phrase: “Only You Can Prevent Wildfires.”

9 out of 10 wildfires are caused by humans. 9 out of 10 wildfires can be prevented. SMOKEYBEAR.COM

seventy-six

seconds in newcastle written By: Shimsher Rice

aturday, December 5th, 2009 in Newcastle, England at the Metro Radio Arena, Dmitriy Salita fought Amir Khan for the WBA (World Boxing Association) LightWelterweight Championship of the World. It was the first ever title fight between a Jew and a Muslim. Salita, the challenger, was an orthodox Jew originally from the Ukraine living and training in Brooklyn, New York. Khan, the champion, was a Muslim of Pakistani decent born and raised in Bolton, England. I, a Jew from Cleveland, Ohio, writing out of the neutral corner, wearing no trunks, went to Newcastle for the fight. I wanted to write a story about the ultimate symbol of conflict – a Jew and a Muslim in a boxing ring. I ended up writing about people, time, traveling, and a new legal narcotic called plant food. In July, still months before a date for the fight had been set, USA Boxing News reported Dmitriy Salita as saying, “Amir Khan has a belt that belongs to me.” He was referring to a fight he was supposed to have had six months earlier in November of 2008 against then Light-Welterweight Champion, Andrea Kotelnik, in an undercard of a Jones Jr./Galzaghe bill in Las Vegas. Kotelnik backed out, claiming a rib injury and ended up losing his belt to Amir Khan three months later. Now, Dmitriy was the WBA’s mandatory challenger to fight Khan for the title and he was speaking up. An editor at Heeb Magazine contacted me and asked me to interview Dmitriy and see what he had to say about the potential fight. I had written a piece for Heeb about living in an insane asylum while playing semi-professional baseball in Munich, Germany. They had ruined the article, turning what was supposed to be

illustrations by: dr. andres salaff

funny into melodrama, but regardless I said I would interview Dmitriy, leaving out that I had never interviewed anyone or been to a boxing match. My personal history with boxing is brief. When I was twentyeight, I decided to try it myself. I wanted to do something to stay in shape, and honestly I thought I’d be good at it. I enrolled at a boxing gym in Ridgewood, Queens. The gym was in a house with the words NEW YORK BOXING printed on a sign above the door. There were no rooms or couches, just four walls with a boxing ring in the middle. The first thing Ray, my new coach, told me about boxing was, “Do 100 pull-ups.” I had never done 100 pull-ups before and thought maybe he meant spread out over the month. Ray had spent some time in prison and was “born again”. There

I wanted to write a story about the ultimate symbol of conflict – a Jew and a Muslim in a boxing ring. But I ended up writing about people, time, traveling, and a new legal narcotic called Plantfood. was no swearing allowed in the gym. Every time I missed a combination and said, “Shit!” Ray hit me with one of his pads. He always played the soundtrack to Rocky in the gym and spoke in quotes from the movie 300. I started going to the gym Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. A group of Spanish guys trained then. They called me Brasil because I wore a blue hat that said “Brasil” on it to keep my hair out of my face. They must have never thought I was Jewish. There used to be a lot of good Jewish fighters; Benny Leonard, Maxi, Rosemblum, Fritzy Zivic – but that was in the ‘30s, when Jews still had to fight for money (What’s gonna happen to the music industry when all the black folks are dentists?), but Jews have since fallen off the boxing map electing instead to live in condominiums in Boca Raton, leveledmag.com 65

The first thing ray, my new coach, told me about boxing was, ‘do 100 pullups.’ i had never done 100 pull-ups before and thought maybe he meant spread out over the month. Florida. My other coach’s name was Panama. Panama was smaller and older than Ray. He had dark skin and I assumed he was from Panama, but then again, they called me Brasil and I’ve never even been there. If I got drunk the night before and showed up late, I would have to train with Panama and, technically speaking, I was scared of him. He didn’t speak English and he didn’t realize I was new. He’d get mad when I didn’t throw my hook correctly and made a violent noise like he was stabbing a man to death when he demonstrated how to do it the right way. Anyways, the whole deal lasted two months. I was going to 66

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start sparring, and realized, with no medical insurance, Ray, who had been threatening to be my sparring partner if I swore one more time, was surely going to break my big, previously twice broken, Jewish nose. The training was too hard anyways. Even if I could have been a good boxer, I’d never find out. It was too late to start. Armed only with two months of boxing knowledge, I went to Kid Kelly’s boxing gym in Brooklyn to interview Dmitriy. Kid Kelly’s was a sparse gym in a white building with a big front window so people could watch from the street. Chris, Dmitriy’s PR guy, was waiting for me. I asked him if he’d seen the article in Boxing USA. He said he had. The gym had all the same tools as New York Boxing; pads, bags, weights, and a big ring in the middle of the room. Dmitriy was finishing his workout, boxing himself in the mirror. He was about 5’7”. He had very short, thick, brown and red hair and was in black shorts and his hands were taped. He had a young, round, hardly-damaged face and held his head distinctly low with his eyes looking up like he was ducking a punch when Chris introduced us. Chris found some folding chairs and we sat next to the ring. I wildly asked Dmitriy questions in a completely different order than I’d prepared and struggled to hear him over the

thuds of gloves and music in the background. He spoke softly in a thick Russian/Brooklyn/Jewish accent. Much of what he told me he had already said in previous interviews or in Orthodox Stance, the film about his life that came out in 2007. Dmitriy’s family came to Brooklyn from the Ukraine without any money when he was nine years old. His mother died of cancer when he was thirteen. These rough circumstances are the fertile grounds where fighters come from, so naturally Dmitriy started boxing. Between the ages of thirteen and sixteen, Dmitriy won three Junior Olympics in New York City. When he was eighteen, he won the New York Golden Gloves and was awarded the Sugar Ray Robinson Award as the MVP (or B in this case) of the tournament and Top Rank Promotions offered him his first pro contract. Somewhere between school, training, and his mother’s hospital room, Dmitriy was introduced to the Chabad Movement. Despite being Jewish and living only blocks from a Hasidic neighborhood in Brooklyn, it is still almost completely unclear to me what the Chabad Movement is all about. My personal understanding of the Movement and the Hasidic community in general is that they are an insular group existing above the law, or at least apart from it, like an Indian reservation or Don King. They follow the teachings of the Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson who was also from the Ukraine. Some believe he is still alive and is the Messiah. Dmitriy is part of this highly observant community of Russian Jews in Brooklyn. He follows strict kosher dietary laws and he does not fight on the Sabbath. Considering most fights are on Friday nights, this has probably prevented him from getting big fights like this one… until now. At the time of our interview, Dmitriy was 27 years-old. His professional boxing record was 31 wins (16 coming by knockout) and 0 losses. He was the number one ranked lightwelterweight contender in the world and maybe the best Jewish fighter in seventy years. When I asked Dmitriy about the fact that this would be the first title fight between a Jew and a Muslim he said only that he hoped the fight would generate a lot of international interest. This would be by far the biggest fight of his career.

Prince Naseem was known for his theatrical ring entrances, and, in 2005, in his wildest performance, he was sentenced to fifteen months in prison for “dangerous driving” when he crashed his $400,000 McLaren-Mercedes SLR into two other cars nearly killing two people. Amir Khan’s family migrated to Bolton, England from Pakistan in the 1950s. Muslim boxing history is not as deep as Jewish boxing history, or at least, it’s not history in the sense that it’s old. There’s been a recent wave of good Muslim fighters. “Prince” Naseem Hamed, another English-Muslim boxer (of Yemeni decent) was becoming popular in the late ‘90s when he won bantamweight and featherweight championships (Prince Naseem was known for his theatrical ring entrances, in his wildest performance in 2005, he was sentenced to fifteen months in prison for “dangerous driving” when he crashed his $400,000 McLaren-Mercedes SLR into two other cars nearly

killing two people). Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson are Muslims, but as far as sane Muslims from Muslim families and Muslim countries, someone who could bring a “real” Muslim face to the sport, Khan is it right now. Under the management of his fight promoter, Frank Warren (who also managed Prince Naseem), Khan has become a superstar in England. In 2004, when he was only seventeen, he won a silver medal for England in the Athens, Greece Olympics. But, leading up to his fight with Dmitriy, it was still unclear what the English people thought of Khan. Since the London Underground terrorist attacks carried out by Pakistani men less than a year after Khan’s silver medal, Islam has been a constant topic of discussion surrounding him. Instead of asking Khan about his medal or his sure-to-come pro debut, the press in England asked him about religion, so much in fact that I considered not even mentioning it. Khan is a very cool customer and has handled it all quite well. He has all the trademarks of a superstar athlete. He has large, clear eyes full of intent, a strong smile that always looks ready to break out, and the ability to rattle off the things he is supposed to say with confidence. In four years as a pro, Khan has accumulated a record of 22 wins (also 16 coming by knock-out) with only 1 loss, and at only 22 years-old he was the Light-Welterweight Champion of the World. The fight with Dmitriy would be his first title defense. The date and location for the fight were finally announced. My friend Stew had moved to London five months earlier. I wanted to go to the fight and see Stew, but I was completely unqualified. My general sense when I began e-mailing Frank Warren and various magazines was that I was tricking people. After a shocking return e-mail confirming two press passes (one for me, and one for Stew, the “photographer” I’d be traveling with) I began reading about boxing in a last-minute attempt to prepare. First I read The Fight, Norman Mailer’s story about Ali vs. Foreman in Zaire. I would criticize him for writing himself into the story, but look at me. I read On Boxing by Joyce Carol Oates whose name I’ve always associated with some kind of high-quality literature that I know nothing about and didn’t like it. There was only one good line in the book, “Life is like boxing in many unsettling respects, but boxing is only like boxing” which doesn’t mean anything and is sort of funny. I read A.J. Liebling’s writings about boxing from the New Yorker, and I read Sugar Ray Robinson’s autobiography. Liebling was by far the most helpful. He used the word “cove” a lot. It’s a British term for “fellow”. Turns out, boxing as we know it began in England. We were going to the birthplace. All of us; myself, Stew, Dmitriy, and Amir. Things were happening. Pangaea was separating. Oceans were forming. Grandfather clocks were inexplicably shattering in slow motion around the world.

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PART 2 : WHAT THE FUCK IS PLANTFOOD?

left New York Wednesday, December 2nd in the evening – the worst possible time to leave. I had woken up early to pack and couldn’t go back to bed. I was too hung-over and concerned about oversleeping, so instead I roamed my apartment looking for random things to bring Stew. I didn’t sleep on the plane. When I landed in London, it was 7am and the day was just starting. Time was wrapping its hands. I took the underground to Highbury and Islington where Stew lived. There were a lot of newspapers on the train; Daily Mail, The Guardian, Metro, The Times, the Daily Express, the Daily Telegraph and others. Everyone was reading, tripping over suitcases, and reading. There was a picture of Dmitriy in one of the papers with an ad for the fight at the bottom of the page. It was airing on Sky Sports pay-per-view for ten pounds. Metro reported on the preliminary match-up of Kevin Mitchell, another British fighter, against Breidis Prescott. Khan’s one career defeat had come to Prescott, a wild punching Columbian fighter, in a stunning 54-second, 1st round knockout. People in England were quick to say Khan had a weak chin, but since the loss, he’d won three fights in a row including one versus Kotelnik for the Light-Welterweight Championship. Some of that winning streak had to with Khan’s new trainer, Freddie Roach. Roach is known as the best trainer in boxing and is quickly headed for legend status. He trained De La Hoya when he was in his prime. He trains champion of seven different weight divisions, Manny Pacquiao, and since the Prescott loss, he trains Khan. Roach runs a gym in Los Angeles called the Wild Card. Actor Mickey Rourke bought the Wild Card for Roach in exchange for training sessions. Roach has Parkinson’s disease. He shakes and often speaks slowly, but somehow it adds to his mystique as the sick man with a plan, a boxing shaman. The Times reported Dmitriy as saying Roach hadn’t done a good job preparing Khan for the fight. He spent too much time training Pacquiao for his title defense against Migel Cotto and Khan and Roach had only been working together for the past four weeks, as opposed to the typical eight or ten weeks fighters normally spend preparing with their trainers. Some of the newspapers mentioned that this was the first championship fight between a Muslim fighter and a Jewish fighter, but not all of them. To their credit, neither Dmitriy nor Khan played the religion card in promoting the fight. They maintained that they hoped the match would bring Jews and Muslims together. If either was harboring extra ideological motivation, they weren’t about to say it out loud. At Highbury and Islington, there was Stew, starting a cigarette. Stew’s girlfriend Lauren also lived in Highbury Islington with five other girls. It was Gwen’s birthday that night, so there was a party at the house. Gwen was a model and an artist and her friends were interesting people. One of Gwen and Lauren’s friends made movies. I told him about an idea for a downhill ski-racing film. He saw some problems with it.

I can’t remember who gave me my first bit of plant food at the party. It must have been Stew. Thankfully I was sitting down because the plant food immediately set my blood stream in reverse. Laughing and simply continuing seemed like the appropriate way to deal with the discomfort, so we did more. My body temperature rose. I invited strangers to sit too close to me on the couch and tell me about themselves. I drank anything in arms reach. I wandered from room to room. Simply opening a door and poking my head in seemed fine – totally non-committal. I could walk in and sit or I could turn and walk out without saying anything. If you don’t know what plant food is, neither does anyone else. I kept asking people what it really was, but no one even really knows what cocaine really is. I mean, it’s cocaine. But because plant food was new to me, I felt I deserved an explanation. No one had any idea. They just shrugged. In the way that cocaine is cocaine and America is America and England is England and boxing is boxing, plant food was simply, plant food. For now, because it’s legal, whatever it is, plant food is sold online as “plant growth enhancer” in the United Kingdom for what amounts to roughly fifteen American dollars per gram. Once ordered, it’s delivered in the mail to your home the following day in a brown envelope. Inside the brown envelope is a bag of white powder. On the white bag there is a tiny sticker with a molecular diagram and the words “Mephedrone. Not Tested for Human Consumption” on it. I saw Stew rarely throughout the night. We were in different bedrooms collecting different scraps. When I did see him, I’d quickly remind him about the fight the next night. “We gotta be up for that 11am train to Newcastle and it’s getting late,” I’d say. He seemed to acknowledge that I was serious, but did not really care. Stew had called off work earlier. He was entering a caution-to-the-wind mode and he could not be bothered with details about tomorrow. I realized something about Stew that night. It is this: He is weird. He could pass for a low-ranking government official, but the weirder it gets the more he likes it, and as the night got later and people started moving at different speeds, I watched him move with them all, everywhere at once, blurry on the outsides, clear in the middle. No rules. He had once confessed to me when we were younger, “I like to do things that are bad”. I woke up at nine to the sound of the doorbell – more plant food being delivered. I took a shower and put on the suit I had crammed into my bag and a pair of sunglasses. My body temperature was very high. On the way to the train we passed the bar where Drew worked. The manager was taking out the trash. Stew said, without breaking stride, “Goin’ to the fight in Newcastle.” The manager turned and watched us walk past almost falling back into the pile of garbage. He said nothing. The collective heat coming off our bodies had temporarily melted his brain. We barely made our train, but then again, we weren’t

If you don’t know what Plantfood is, neither does anyone else. I kept asking people what it really was. But no one really knows what cocaine really is - I mean, it’s cocaine.

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i can’t remember who gave me my first bit of plantfood at the party. it must have been stew. Thankfully, I was sitting down, because the plantfood immediately set my blood stream in reverse. rushing. I had imagined Newcastle was maybe forty-five minutes or an hour from London. Why? - I have no idea – it just seemed like a reasonable amount of time. Newcastle in reality is three-and-a-half-hours north near Edinburgh, Scotland on the coast of the North Sea. I vaguely recalled telling people at the party we were going to Newcastle. Most of them had never been, but they were very excited for me, and were able to mumble the following information; people in Newcastle are called Geordies, we wouldn’t understand a word they said, and despite it being cold, the girls dress only in mini-skirts. We rode all day through what is called the English Countryside. Old farms, green grass, and low, oppressive, grey skies. We arrived in Newcastle at 2:45pm. Stew said, “Look, it’s Pittsburgh.” It looked like a proper steel town, all bridges and mills up the banks of a river. Newcastle’s football club was playing a home game that day, and there were no hotel rooms in the city. We had booked a room in Sunderland, ten miles away. There were lots of young girls with babies on the train to Sunderland. I chalked it up to their reportedly whorish behavior.

In a cab from the train station to the hotel, our driver said people in Sunderland are called “Mackams”, and they hate Geordies. They looked and sounded exactly the same. But that’s how it goes. In England, it’s football rivalries. In other places, it’s other things. And as we spoke to our driver as the sun went down ending Shabbat, Jews and Muslims across the country, some across the world prepared for a boxing match that to them was maybe a little more than a boxing match. ur hotel, the Pullman Lodge, was made up of a series of three old, immobile train cars. We later found out they are the cars from the film, The Orient Express. The cars sit across a four lane road from the beach of the North Sea. Their dainty windows and doors look even smaller than they actually are next to the giant Casino Super World Arcade thing next door. We bent down to open the little wooden door and entered car one, reception. The walls were beautiful, detailed wood. The curtains were white. The floor was red carpet. There were booths and tables in the long, warm room with a large television mounted on the far wall. The young woman behind the reception desk could feel our heat. We spoke like robots and wore sunglasses even though it was getting dark outside. She showed us around. There was a bathroom between car one and car two. Car two looked like car one, but was a dining car. The tables were fully set in white cloths, but the room was empty. Car three was being used for storage and as a display piece inside a larger ballroom with chandeliers and a dance floor. We appeared to be the only patrons, and it occurred to me- what the fuck were we

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doing in this place? - And how did we ever find it? From my description, you’d think people from around the world visit just to see the cars, and some do - train enthusiast, “train spotters” they are called, but mostly, the Pullman Lodge just sits there getting whipped with cold water from the sea. The young woman asked if we knew Arnold Schwarzenegger. We told her that was a ridiculous question, of course we knew Arnold Schwarzenegger. The guest rooms were unfortunately not in the train cars, we would have gladly slept in there. We stayed instead in room eleven, inside the “lodge” portion of the Pullman Lodge, a brick building that ran perpendicular to the trains. The little TV in the room did not work. But the heater did, eventually, and I laid on the bed like a fighter on the table. I had slept one of three nights at this point, and we hadn’t eaten. Stew didn’t want to relax. He was either scared to fall asleep, or he was nervous about taking pictures. He had borrowed a camera from Lauren and was playing with it the whole ride up, trying to figure it out. If I was a phony boxing reporter, he was certainly a phony photographer. The press credential he was granted said, “Balcony Photographer”, which meant he was going to be in the “balcony” on the second level with no explanation as to why he is using his little camera as opposed to the machine one would need to shoot from that distance. We went back to reception for a bottle of wine before the fight.

III W

e arrived to Metro Radio Arena at 7:15. We entered the still empty 10,000 seat stadium through the back, near the fighters’ dressing rooms. Two boxers hopped up and down on their tip-toes awaiting their match, necks outstretched, watching the fight going on in the ring. Our small group of writers and photographers shuffled around uncomfortably until someone showed us to our section. There was a chair with my name on it ringside. Stew’s pass may have said balcony, but he used heat to melt the brain of security and sat ringside too. The fight taking place looked like sparring matches I’d seen in Queens. The fighters threw measuring blows. I could hear their feet shuffling in the ring. We watched a few preliminaries. The fights got progressively better. The fighters were faster. The punches were meaner.

sweet ketchup. By the time Prescott and Mitchell were both in the ring, the arena had turned from a very large, empty room, into the insane spectacle that is a big sporting event. Spotlights surveyed the crowd. Huge screens at each end of the arena played the television broadcast loud which makes everything better. Strippers were in the ring, smiling, ready to carry oversized numbered cards between rounds. Cameras craned overhead. A man in a tuxedo spoke, almost sang, a steady stream of information about heights and weights and sponsors into a large, silver microphone. I had that slightly sick feeling I get when what I’ve come for is about to happen, enhanced by drugs and general lack of sleep, and was having some trouble understanding the transition in time from “then” to “now”, from all time leading up to the fight, to the fight itself. Prescott looked good early. You could see how Khan, or anyone, could get knocked out in the first round. He was big for a lightweight, 6’, and threw big, mean, chopping right hands with a look on his face to match. I was sitting between an AP reporter to my left who told me Mitchell had a great chin, and to my right, a guy from Haaretz, Israel’s largest newspaper, taking notes in Hebrew. Prescott won the first round, even pleading with Mitchell to hit him back. And Mitchell obliged. He started landing combinations in the second round. He cut Prescott’s left eye badly in fifth. And, eventually, did what Khan could not do, in a unanimous decision, he beat Prescott on points. It was a good fight. Prescott kept coming, doing anything he could to hurt Mitchell, hitting the back of his head, his kidneys, rubbing Mitchell’s eyes with his gloves. But Mitchell, with the Union Jack on his shorts, fought smart and tough and he won. His face was a mess for it. Fighters from the preliminaries came back out to watch now, many of their faces a mess too. A group of thirty people wearing “Team Salita” sweatshirts had taken their seats during the Mitchell fight. 150 Orthodox Jews came from London by bus. Total, Dmitriy had 180 fans, and 9,820 people that vowed death upon him as he entered the ring to loud booing over a Matisyahu song of his choosing. I’m not sure what he had expected, but it was hostile. I had a racism meter handy and am glad to report the sneering registered much higher on “Nationalistic” than “Anti-Semitic”. Dmitriy wore a simple black skull cap on his head and a black robe and black trunks with a Star of David on the leg. He was with his trainer, who I had seen at Kid Kelly’s, and Jimmy O, who he had been training with since he was a kid. A few Chabadniks unfolded an Israeli flag in his corner. I wondered how Dmitriy felt. I thought how weird it

It took me four days to get to Northeast England from Brooklyn - I had taken planes, trains, and legal narcotics to get there, and the fight lasted one minute and sixteen seconds. People began arriving and taking their seats. The television broadcast started at ten. Mitchell/Prescott at 10:15. Then Khan vs. Salita for the Championship. We figured we’d better eat something and went to concessions for the kind of food only Geordies and children crave – battered chicken and chips with 70

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Stew, like Dmitriy, had been stunned into inaction and had not taken a single picture of the fight. Later, he said he was waiting for the perfect moment when Dmitriy took his stool in his corner after thrid round.

must be for fighters who spend their whole lives memorizing punches in dingy New York Boxing or Kid Kelly’s to step out into this kaleidoscopeworld and be expected to perform. Dmitriy danced between security guards, the girls, and the announcer, testing the ropes on each side of the ring by falling back against them as the lights flashed. The lights went out completely now for Khan’s entrance. If some people in England didn’t like Amir Khan, it was not apparent in that moment. I was holding my little camera up to film, and it was shaking from the noise. I wondered if this volume was normal for English crowds, and then I wondered if English crowds in general are much fucking crazier than American crowds. When Khan reached the ring, the lights came back on, exciting people even more and proving my theory I had formulated just minutes before that people love loud noises, bright lights, and fried chicken with sweet ketchup. Khan stood in his corner looking down, shaking his legs to stay loose. He wore a white robe with green trunks. It is hard to believe either Khan or Salita weighed only one hundred and forty pounds. Khan had a big frame and long arms and was the taller of the two though Dmitriy had been slightly heavier the day before at the weigh-in. Roach stood behind Khan. One of Khan’s entourage held his belt up for Dmitriy to see. It could not have been a pleasant sight. The Bell rang to start the first. The fighters met in the middle of the ring, arms extended to touch gloves, commencing the ceremony. Khan threw a couple jabs to check his distance. Dmitriy threw a couple in return. Then, still in the middle of the ring, circling clockwise, Khan threw a combination Liebling would sit all night for and probably not get to see, a clean left hook and a straight right. Both punches landed hard on Dmitriy’s jaw. Khan had slid left to lead with the hook, snuck it around Dmitriy’s gloves and all the way to side of his face, then, immediately sent a right passed Dmitriy’s hands on the other side. Nine seconds into the fight, Dmitriy was falling backwards. He got to his knees at “four” and was easily on his feet at “eight” when the ref asked him to raise his gloves to demonstrate he could continue. We hadn’t even had time to establish a rhythm. The cheering for the opening bell turned into cheering for the knockdown. Dmitriy was up, but he looked lost-- not quite able to catch back up to the present moment. His gaze suggested he needed a leveledmag.com 71

no-hitting zone where he could gather his thoughts and take a break from being punched – this is a probably common sentiment following a knock-down – sheer confusion - but there is no such place. Adding to the confusion, Dmitriy was not used to being in this position. He had been knocked down before, but he had never been beaten, and it was apparent now that he was going to lose. Khan threw big right hands with no fear of counter punches. Dmitriy did the only thing he could, he tried to wrestle with him, tie Khan up, catch his breath. The referee

pictures? It turned out seventy-six seconds was not long enough – Stew, like Dmitriy, had been stunned into inaction and had not taken a single picture of the fight. Later, he said he was waiting for that perfect moment when Dmitriy took his stool in his corner after the third round. In the press conference, Dmitriy, Mitchell, Frank Warren, Khan, and Roach sat from left to right. Roach insisted Khan is the real deal. He said he could win titles at three weight classes; Light-Welterweight, Welterweight, and maybe even Middleweight. He was still only twenty-two years old. From

What was supposed to be a clash with biblical implications – Jew vs. Muslim! - Religious

Jew vs. Religious Muslim even! - more resembled a childish bullying. broke the huddle, and Khan attacked, throwing ten, twelve more punches. Dmitriy backed into a corner and crouched low against the ropes covering his head with his gloves, a fully defensive pose. I may have never been to a boxing match, but I knew this was not typical. One of Dmitriy’s knees touched the ground which counts as a knock-down. The ref stepped in and counted to eight again. Khan backed Dmitriy into his own corner now, the corner nearest us. One more left hook, and Dmitriy was falling back into the ropes he had been testing minutes before. Three knock-downs in the first round, technical-knockout, fight over! The ref stepped in between the fighters for the final time and waved both hands over his head signaling the end. Khan’s corner lifted him in the air. He celebrated in the ring and posed for pictured with his belt and Roach. His fans jumped the barricades behind us and just as fast security carried them out. One guy was screaming, “Go Home Jew,” which scored a perfect 100 on the meter, but I figured one flaming racist in a crowd of ten thousand boxing fans wasn’t bad. Dmitriy walked slowly back to his corner. This was shocking. Most reports had Khan winning, but no one could have predicted this. Dmitriy hardly threw, not-to-mention land, a single punch. It took me four days to get to Northeast England from Brooklyn - I had taken planes, trains, and legal narcotics to get there, and the fight lasted one minute and sixteen seconds. What was supposed to be a clash with biblical implications – Jew vs. Muslim! - Religious Jew vs. Religious Muslim even! - more resembled a childish bullying. Dmitriy’s fans stood silently as he and his handlers exited the ring. I found Stew. What had happened? Did he have any good

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all signs, his boxing future is bright. He will start getting big fights in States, and he’ll continue to be a social barometer for us to watch, a British-born Muslim fighter whose people have embraced him, but whose country never fully has. Dmitriy’s future is less clear. He went to Israel after the fight and has not said anything about his plans. He was traveling with his wife. They were married in September, three months before the fight, in Crown Heights, Brooklyn For certain, he has faced and conquered harder come-backs than this, and I can only imagine that he will continue fighting. I hope so. After all this, I’ve still never even seen him box. The press conference was over at 12:30. Everyone was gone, so we headed out into the sexual Vietnam that is Newcastle, England at night. At breakfast the next morning, in the dining car, still in our suits as neither of us brought other clothes, we encountered a rowdy group of Mackams. These were them, the people we would not understand. When they spoke it sounded like saws banging and paper ripping and elves chirping all at the same time. Who were these animals? Were they staying at the Lodge or just dropping by to steal some breakfast? They were definitely drunk. I didn’t care about any of these things as long as they didn’t talk directly to us. Our breakfasts arrived; two veggie sausages, a tomato, two mushrooms, and an egg. It was time to get the hell out of Northeast England. The day of my return flight, I said bye to Stew and got to Heathrow early so I’d have plenty of time. I slid my itinerary across the ticketing counter. The woman behind the desk picked her head up slowly, looked at me, and said, “Today is Thursday. Your flight was yesterday.” Damnit! I had lost a day somewhere, maybe Tuesday. Time had stopped and started again. Seventy-six seconds had passed.

add to queue

re you bored and out of your wits? Do you just wanna be a lazy ass

inside the confines of your home? Have no fear. Here are two movies you can stream on Netflix.

by San-San Onglatco

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS

DELICATESSEN

NO! Not the Jack Nicholson black and white original from the ‘70s. I’m talking about the comedy horror rock musical directed by Frank Oz that stars Rick Moranis (that little guy who shrunk and blew up his kids) and Ellen Greene (one of the kooky aunts from Pushing Daisies). There are also strangely hilarious cameos by John Candy who plays an obnoxiously loud radio announcer and Bill Murray as the masochist dental patient. Steve Martin is great as the “bad boy” sadistic dentist. This movie musical is set in Skid Row where homeless people and crack addicts break into song. Throughout the movie, there are three random fabulous black women that belt out in unison. I’ve seen the movie numerous times and I’m still not sure what they’re there for, probably as transition devices. There’s also a huge monster plant with a deep bass voice that sings and eats humans. It even has a solo piece where he sings and tries to convince Seymour to kill people and feed them to him in the song, “Feed Me”. Pathetic and lovelorn Seymour (Rick Moranis) lives in the basement of Mr. Mushnik’s flower shop. One day, while walking somewhere in Chinatown, he stumbles upon a tiny, interesting looking plant. Unbeknownst to him, this plant is an alien life force from outer space. Seymour names the plant Audrey II after the girl of his dreams, Audrey (Ellen Greene). The plant’s presence in the always-empty flower shop brings mad business to Mr. Mushnik. Suddenly, Seymour is the hottest thing in Skid Row and everyone wants a piece of him. Even Audrey realizes she’s in a dysfunctional relationship and starts falling for Seymour. Initially, Audrey II is content with sucking Seymour’s blood but he then gets greedy and pressures Seymour to kill people and feed him their corpses. The monster blackmails Seymour and threatens to eat Audrey. All hell breaks loose. Seymour needs to save Audrey, kill the funky evil monster and save the day. It’s campy, it’s dark and it’s funny. It’s pure awesome. You won’t be able to stop singing and dancing to this musical’s catchy tunes.

This isn’t one of those dumb summer blockbuster 3D movies. If you like those type of movies go wear those stupid 3D glasses and bury your face in popcorn. If you actually like films that have substance and actually care about characters, story, cinematography, art direction, costumes, and all that jazz, then read on. First off this is a foreign film. Yes, there will be subtitles unless you are fluent in French and in that case, fuck you. An odd way to describe this movie would be if Sweeney Todd and Amelié had a baby in a dystopian society but was raised by Terry Gilliam. It’ll make some sort of sense when you do watch this film. This masterpiece is written and directed by Marc Caro and Jean-Pierre Jeunet, the duo responsible for A Very Long Engagement and City of Lost Children. Jeunet also directed Amelié. It’s a visually pleasing treat that’s dark and morbid but still charming and delicate. The cinematographer, Darius Khonjdi, also shot the movies Se7en, Midnight in Paris, and Blueberry Nights. If any of these movies tickle your fancy, then there’s a huge chance you’ll like Delicatessen. This surrealist black comedy is set in a post-apocalyptic France during an ambiguous time period. Food is in short supply so grain has become a commodity. There also exists a criminal group literally based underground that steals grains from people. The story centers on the tenants of an apartment complex who rely on their landlord for food. This landlord also happens to be a butcher. But he’s no ordinary butcher. His meat of choice: humans. The arrival of a young circus clown, Louison, changes the lives of the landlord and his tenants. Louison’s arrival particularly changes the life of the landlord’s shy daughter Julie, the only tenant on a human-free diet. Unfortunately, everyone is awaiting Louison’s demise. After all, he is their next meal. Louison and Julie fall in love and chaos ensues. Engaging, quirky, odd, and exquisite. It’s beauty amidst utter chaos. It would be a shame not to watch it.

The Geek Shall Inherit

the Earth K

evin Pereira, host extraordinaire of G4TV’s Attack of the Show and the newly launched web series The Playlist, is a conjurer of dreams. He has been weaving an internal bacchanal of geekdom for years – a mash up of all things tech, music and gaming. His vision centers around a one night extravaganza of live podcasts and interactive, fan friendly panels, plenty of vintage arcade video games, a kid dressed as a Ghostbuster, another as Lando Calrissian, some booze and of course DJs. Imagine, if you will, taking the recipes for Comic-Con and Coachella – now add some bacon and weed for good measure and poof ! – LeetUP! – a nerd playground and party for the masses. Through the collaborative efforts and contributing awesomeness of the lovely folks at iam8bit and Charles Hirshhorn’s Fountain Productions, LeetUP!’s initial incarnation of festivities took over the Nokia Theatre in LA at the beginning of March. What follows are hits from a chat with Kevin in the week preceding the party. He clues us in on all the particulars and their plans to take over a city near you one day very soon.

I’m so excited. Giddy. I am Japanese schoolgirl giddy. As to what fueled the creation: I’ve been going to various conventions for the last, I don’t know, probably ten years. From E3 to Comic-Con to CES and I love me 74

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some music. I go to concerts all the time and I realized that there are a few things about each of these events that I love and I see the same faces at each of these events. Some of those faces are plastered on the heads of my friends and I look around and go, “we need to do this more often.” Why do we only have these few tent pole events that we try to go to each year? Some are in LA. Some are in NY. Some are scattered about. I go, “there are aspects of all the things we love but I wanna kinda do something ourselves. So, let’s get a big space and cram it full with all the things we love,” and that was the seed that has since been moistened and since sprouted into this thing called LeetUP! It’s really going to be a 4-hour party. On pitching the idea: When I designed the event, I created a Tumblr and I went to partners and Golden Voice to see if we could get a deal on the venue and all this other stuff; they’ve been really gracious. I later pull up this Tumblr blog that I’d made and it was total bullshit on a web page. There were people there so I had things like photos of Kevin Smith, Chris Hardwick and myself; some bands; and here’s some stuff with Epic Meal Time. And we’re going to have this going on while that’s going on and I have like old clip art of arcade games. And people will play arcade games! And there will be drinks! Aaaaaand cosplayers! Here’s a picture of a cosplayer. And they were like, “Wow, that sounds like a crazy evening. So that’s what you want to

“

I am always careful when I say the nerd word; people understand it as a term of endearment. Yes, we suffered through years of being called nerds, but... we’re in control of what’s going on these days

do?” And I’m like, “yeeeah!” I didn’t think that anyone would buy it. I really didn’t. They did and then I went, “Ah shit. Now I have to do it. What have I set myself up for?” But, as a testament for how amazing everyone is in this scene everyone has come on-board. If you build it, they will come. It’s been really amazing; everyone has donated their time and talent to this event because A) they think it’s a cool event and B) they’re like-minded. They want to entertain some folks as well. On his working definition of a nerd: I am always careful when I say the nerd word; people understand it as a term of endearment. Yes, we suffered through years of being called nerds, but I’m like, “No, now we’re in control of what’s going on these days, what’s happening and we’re the ones that need to be catered to.” First of all, it’s an intense curiosity and intense passion because as much as I think that there are only comic book nerds, video game nerds and board game nerds, there are also car nerds and sports nerds. There are geeks of all kinds that are intensely focused and passionate about a subject.

Felicia Day, Alex Albrecht, Harley Morenstein

”

As to when his own nerdness became official: For me, it was incredibly early on. It was computers, and I was 8 or 9 years old. I ran an Internet Service Provider and had bulletin boards. So I was connected to a wide array of people in a way that was a new emerging art form and medium and method of communication. So early on, I became thick skinned for the trolls online. What’s next? LA is our backyard that’s why we are doing the first one here. The real goal is to bring this to places that don’t normally have access to this type of event. I want say: “Hey Texas. Can you hear me? Great. We’re coming for you.” Those people who see reports of E3 and go, “Man, I wish I could play that game.” or they listen to podcasters like Kevin Smith or Marc Maron and think, “Man, I’d really like to see his live show.” Let’s do that. Let’s take this nerd carnival on the road. It really is a nerd carnival that we’re building.

Kevin Smith

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Brave things Palestine

by Nora Gordon

I traveled to the West Bank, Palestine with two friends to lead an art workshop with kids. These are true stories from that trip.

e drove through Palestine to the Dead Sea. On the way there was a checkpoint and

these little, little Israeli soldiers came over to our car with their big, big guns and asked, “What are you doing?” We replied, “We are going to the Dead Sea.” Our Palestinian driver did most of the talking. I couldn’t understand much; it was in Arabic. Then they asked us whether we were Christians. My friends, Heidi and Dante said, “Yes.” I said, “I’m Jewish” which was kind of a simplified response, but they didn’t speak much English. They seemed surprised, saying “Judaea? Judaea!” and said, “Jewish is the best! Better than Christian! Better than Muslim!” I didn’t know what to do because they had big guns and the smallest one was resting his teenage finger on the trigger. So I just said, “OK.” Then the female soldier looked at me like she had something to prove. She said, “Not OK, say yes!”

compromised my beliefs enough by holding my tongue. But he was right, it was for the safety of the taxi driver, not my own. I felt terrible about the whole thing. I apologized to the taxi driver afterward, and he told me, “It’s OK.” But it’s not.

True Story

ur taxi driver invites us to a party at a Turkish bath where we were told we’d be able to swim,

eat, drink, and get massages, all for 50 shekels ($17). Heidi and I can think of nothing we would want to do more. We drive to what seems like the middle of nowhere,

passports and this soldier also asked me if I was Jewish

and then off-road for a while until we finally arrive at

and wanted me to confirm that Jews are good and

the place. Our driver gives us a tour and shows us

Palestinians are bad.

the water slides, the camels, the Bedouin tent where

said feebly, “Oh, no” Again, they said, “Yes!” Then they turned to me. They were trying to force me to agree with them and I just couldn’t do it. I just shrugged and said, “OK.”

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blah blah blah and I got upset. I already felt like I’d

Then she called over another soldier to look at our

Our Palestinian, Christian taxi driver smiled and

“these little, little Israeli soldiers came over to our car with their big, big guns...”

people are smoking hookah, the 24 hour restaurant, and then, the cavernous Turkish baths. What at first seems to be a small boy, but turns out to be a 24 year-old “little person” named M’hommad greets us and leads us through a long, dark,

I wanted to speak up, but what can you say to babies

underground tunnel. There are single shower rooms

with guns? Still, I couldn’t bring myself to pretend to

along the sandstone walls, and we tiptoe through the

agree with them.

cave until we get to a big pool. Above the pool are

Then they said, “Jewish is power! Right? Jewish is

two Jacuzzis. Past the room with the Jacuzzis and

power!” They were all laughing throughout. I had no

pool are more tunnel-like hallways which each lead to

idea what to say except, “OK.” They finally gave us our

a different activity: sauna, steam room, Turkish bath,

passports back and let us go on our way.

bar, or massage room. M’hommad, who we find out

Later, Dante said, “You should have just agreed with

later is nicknamed “Abu Leil” (Father of the night),

them, that this wasn’t the time to hold your ground”,

serves us drinks as we relax in the pool and get to

pie

wit

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ay home

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e pass

anksy

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th the

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big

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lowers,

There is a 15 year-old boy there with his mother from Philly. I couldn’t imagine a more embarrassing scenario for the poor kid than to be at a party with a bunch of 20-somethings and mom. Keep in mind we are all in bathing suits, and the kid is about 5’9 and barely weighs a hundred pounds. There’s also a group of botanists from Wales who started a farm here, and they’re teaching local farmers how to grow with less water. After a while of playing with different temperatures in the various rooms, I decide I’m ready for a massage. M’hommad is busy serving everyone drinks, but tells me to wait a few minutes and he’ll give me one. While the massage is great, it’s a bit odd that people (from our party) walk right on in during it and ask for massages, or just start chatting with M’hommad. Mostly they are speaking in Arabic, but I get the idea that M’hommad isn’t really on duty for massage tonight and is only giving massages to “the ladies.” This is a bit creepy, but the massage is so nice, I don’t want to think about it. Heidi goes after me, returns sharing my immense satisfaction tinged with slight skepticism, and we walk away from the situation free of regrets. We’ve been there for a few hours, and as we’re swimming in the pool to cool off, the power goes out in the whole place. I feel like I just threw on two eye patches and walked into an igloo made out of graphite. I live in New York City. I don’t even know what dark is anymore. Here I am in a Turkish bath in an underground cave in Palestine with a “little person” masseuse and this is the moment the universe decides to remind me what dark is? We scream for a while, and giggle, but mostly just grab on to each other, and feel our way out of the pool. Dripping wet, we reach out for

nd I

the sandstone walls, and try to grope our way to safety. Luckily, because

now my

“Noor,” which means “light.” I start shouting out “Noor. Noor!” and

ay is

omplete.

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that’s it

nding up

San Francisco, and England, and there are a handful of locals as well.

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of course is common in Bethlehem. They’ve come from Germany, Italy,

tell us where you live

lestinian

know the others at the party. Lots of them are very Christian, which

it is the root of my name, one of the only words I know in Arabic is some guy comes over to shine his cell phone near us so we can find our things and get the hell out of there. As we approach the door, I see a man lying on the ground surrounded by people and splattered blood. There’s glass everywhere, and it’s clear he’s fallen. I’m not sure what was going on, as everyone was speaking

Scout’s honor, we will not show up at your house in the middle of the night. Unfortuantely we cannot speak for Bruce Pinsler. @coozehound

in hushed Arabic, but from what I gather, the fire in the kitchen got too hot, so the glass door exploded and this man was injured. They take the poor guy to the hospital, and we see this as our cue to leave. On our way home we pass the Banksy piece with the Palestinian man winding up to throw a big bouquet of flowers, and I know my day is complete.

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#getleveled

leveledmag.com 77

By Sloan Grace Christian

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t’s called pink slime. If you grew up in a thermal activating tie-dye wearing, Pog collecting era, you may be revisiting your childhood dreams of being slimed on Nickelodeon. Get your mind out of the boy band gutter. Season that slime with some artificial meat flavorings served up with a side of your favorite fixings and Bon Appétit! Dinner! Okay, kidding. It’s actually a delicious and non-nutritious combination of beef scraps, cow connective tissues and other equally tasty treats found on the floor of slaughterhouses, that are lovingly marinated in ammonium hydroxide to preserve its gelatinous unearthly glow. If the thought of placing that onto a fork appalls you, congratulations, you have a soul. Fast food chains such as Taco Bell, McDonald’s, and Burger King have denied the “think pink” mentality on the premise that it lacks the nutritional value of ground meat, and contains non-meat product. Whether it be due to the fact that people sue fast food companies with the ease of “not seeing” a school teacher in a sex shop, or that perhaps a genuine concern for consumer health actually overrides large corporations’ hunger for dollar signs, thank your lucky stars that you aren’t being slimed the next time you bite into a Big Mac after a night out at the bars. That being said, the cynic in me would like to have a moment of silence to praise all the people who sued McDonald’s for making them fat. Although we’ve managed to keep this mystery meat, which also disguises itself in names such as, “soylent pink” and “finely textured beef ”, out of places with value menus and Safeways, it’s managed to seep its way into our public school systems. Why not pawn it off on our young, after all? They recover from broken bones and the chicken pox with the strength of Clark Kent post distress call, they can handle some mystery meat that lacks long-term side effect research. The 7 million pounds of pink slime will be brought to a school near you by Beef Products Inc., a company branched out of South Dakota, which the USDA approved as fit for consumer consumption in 2001 (Bush --> Iraq --> No money --> Shady shit). Pink Slime has now been laid out as an option for schools to use or not use. The option to deny bringing pink slime into schools was only presented after a public uproar began to build. The USDA continues to advocate the product, proclaiming that the meat is perfectly safe for children’s consumption.

This topic stirs a lot of emotion in me. First of all, why are we feeding our growing children food that we don’t even want in a dorito chip taco? I thought everyone was on board the environmental wagon, working hard to glorify safe and healthy meal choices for America’s children who are, if you take a look around, getting pretty fucking fat. People training for the Olympics in China are literally raising their own chickens to bring to America so they don’t risk eating the meat here. Has it really come to this? I understand that the Malthus equation is in full effect, and that it is becoming harder and harder to feed our growing population in a shriveling economic era, but the fact of the matter is that we do have choices in how we spend our money in this country. The health of our future leaders, business men, women and trannies, hippies, scientists, cynics, optimists, bar tenders, writers, and innovators of our nation should be a number one priority. First and foremost, I would like to make it known that I advocate packed lunches over cafeteria food any day. I still have a vivid memory of a spider crawling out of my plastic wrapped teryaki chicken and rice box lunch in the second grade. It scarred me into brown bag lunches until middle school. School lunches were then a part of my daily equation for a very short period of time until our school started serving the Pizza Hut “Big New Yorker” pizza. I remember there being so much grease on it that you needed two wax papers and two stacked brown paper boxes just to keep the oil juices from seeping onto you. If you held the pizza vertically, it would drip grease for a good minute and a half. It was then that I banned cafeteria food for good and developed a minor grease phobia. All tangents aside, it’s corrupt and scandalous to take out our financial wrongdoings on our education system. Many children come from low-income households and depend on lunch tickets as their means of sustenance. Their parents are on welfare, unemployment, disability and/or food stamps as it

is, and are working under the table or attempting doubles just to provide shelter in unsafe neighborhoods for their families. Sadly, these are most likely the same children who will be attending the schools where pink slime will be chosen to be served to students. The Erin Brockovich inside of me is dying to run straight to the FDA and serve some pink slime tacos to the unsuspecting and inexcusably ignorant people who decided this would be a good idea. If they can eat pink slime every day throughout the course of a year without unhealthy side effects later in life, maybe... MAYBE we can consider serving it to an innocent eight year old. I know that this is not a topic without a spotlight. Pink slime has induced a viral explosion, similar to Kony and the invisible children. The difference between you reading this article and a YouTube video, however, is that I would kindly like to urge you to take action outside of liking a cause on Facebook. Look up other places to sign petitions, www.change.org is an example. Despite the artsy intellect’s approach on the “it’s just Facebook” cynicysm, I believe social media is a very powerful tool and does wonders in today’s society, I would just like to see people use it as a tool to branch outside rather than a validation to a feeling on an issue. In the midst of writing this article, I found that it was alarmingly easy to find basic and flashy facts about the topic, but harder to find ways to actively protest it. I also noticed that Google had sponsored an ad about the “actual facts” by who other than FOX News, on how Pink Slime is a non-issue that has simply been magnified by rating-seeking media. That really is not all that relevant, I just hate FOX with the passion of a thousand white burning suns. If there is a single note to end this pink slime discontentment on, let it be that we have the power to make a difference and need to examine these issues as stepping stones to becoming more acutely aware of what can happen if we don’t pay close attention to the actions corporations will take in this fast paced world.

is not a topic without a spotlight. “IPinkknowslimethathasthisinduced a viral explosion, similar to Kony and the invisible children. The difference between you reading this article and a Youtube video, however, is that I would kindly like to urge you to take action outside of liking a cause on facebook.

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How the GOP brought Feminism back to life

by Kelton Wright

n the movie Baby Boom, a woman is a business executive at the kind of firm where the conference tables are the size of stretch limos. She is the only female executive, and she is ruthless. A phone call in the night concerning a distant cousin’s will leaves her with an unexpected inheritance: a baby. Despite considerable efforts to balance work and child, she is invited to fewer meetings, asked for fewer reports, and her boss tries to replace her slowly before eventually demoting her to such a shameful level that she quits. She and the baby move to Vermont where she starts her own gourmet

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baby food company. Her business blossoms and her old firm offers to buy her out. She tells them to fuck off. Never mind that it’s a movie and she also tells them she fell in love with the local veterinarian, but let’s pretend the speech just ended with, “I built this business from scratch while being a good mom, on my own, so you can suck it.” This movie was produced in 1987. And just so we’re all clear, 1987 is actually 25 years ago. It’s a quarter of a century ago. Diane Keaton was the lead. The baby in that movie is now approximately 26 years old, and I bet

you when she watches that film, she thinks, “not a fucking thing has changed.” The Women’s Rights movement has stagnated. Feminism was characterized as bullish and unnecessary. With women comprising 46.7% of the labor force in 2010, and more women than men attending college, it’s easy to see why feminism seems outdated. We’d made it, baby! ut wait a minute... men still outnumber women six to one in top corporate jobs. Women make up 16.8% of Congress, but more than 50% of the US population. Only 2% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women and only three of nine Supreme Court Justices. According to the latest census statistics, in 2008 women earned 77 cents on the male dollar, with those numbers falling to 68 cents for African-American women and 58 cents for Latinas. Turns out, we have not made it. The storyline of Baby Boom is still pertinent today. Women I have worked with have hidden their plans to get pregnant. I have seen several women have a child only to be “rearranged” when returning to the company. A high-level executive even told one of my coworkers to her face that she needed to pick career or family. If the social and political challenges of women in the ‘80s still exist today, why aren’t more women feminists? Once a growing sisterhood, some women are now dog-eat-dog, trying to get to the top. That’s how guys do it, right? Wrong. It’s a boys’ club and many of them are eager to keep it that way. Gloria Steinem said there are two stages to fighting for equality. The first stage is the initial backlash to people breaking out against the norm. The second comes when you reach “critical mass” and the dominant group realizes they may be in jeopardy, causing them to react with an iron fist. According to Leslie Bennetts’ report for The Daily Beast, “Women and the Leadership Gap,” we’re now at that second stage. One million women might argue that we reached that second stage nearly ten years ago at the March for Women’s Lives held on the National Mall in Washington D.C. on April 25, 2004. The march was organized to protest the recent PartialBirth Abortion Ban Act of 2003. I was a senior in high school and I was there. It is reported 1.15 million people marched for women’s rights that day making it the largest march in American history. Did you catch that? The largest march in American history and I guarantee most people reading this post didn’t even know it happened. But that is what you get when media giants are run by money and men, or more accurately, men with money. It is disheartening to see such a brave act of citizenry ignored, but we’re a puritan nation - that march was never going to be a headline. My mom, watching from Cleveland, said they mentioned it in passing. If you’re wondering why you’ve never heard of the largest march in our history, think about

it like this: it happened months before Facebook expanded past the Ivy League, it was a full year before the creation of YouTube and The Huffington Post, two years before Twitter and Google Talk and three years before Tumblr. It happened before we had a voice. In early 2004, we were coming to election time. Bush was up for his second term. War was the topic of the day. It was only two years prior that the nation was turning into a comic book, chasing down the Axis of Evil. Who cared about women’s rights? We had jobs, we were going to college, and it seemed we were making strides. We didn’t need to ban together because we were racing to the top. Had the GOP’s main focus remained war and big business, it might have stayed that way. During George W. Bush’s terms in office, the GOP started falling apart. Once a party led by fiscally conservative small government types, its recruitment plan of middle America led to the

If you’re wondering why you’ve never heard of the largest march in our history, think about it like this: it happened months before Facebook expanded past the Ivy League, it was a full year before the creation of YouTube and The Huffington Post, two years before Twitter and Google Talk and three years before Tumblr. party being represented by enthusiastic religious mouthpieces, gun nuts, and in some cases, both. The GOP’s first misstep was promoting women like Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. There are brilliant Republican women, none of whom were recruited to represent the GOP. The women selected to endorse that party embarrassed us. The second misstep was the direct attack on our reproductive rights. Now they were really pissing us off. What the draft is to war, contraception has become for women’s rights. Mandatory ultrasounds, banning abortion, insurance companies refusing to pay for birth control, the attempted destruction of Planned Parenthood... these positions are not new to the GOP, but they now had to fight and defend them in the arena of social media. he voices representing women in the past decade were few and divisive. Everyone was either criticized for being a bitch, a ditz, or a madwoman. We couldn’t win. But now, our congresswomen are learning. They’re not begging for their male counterparts to hear them, they’re retaliating. Female lawmakers across the nation have stepped up with bills

introducing policies countering the attack on women’s rights by introducing policies regulating Viagra, demanding that men see a sex therapist if seeking a prescription. Fight fire with fire. Women cannot naturally impregnate themselves - there is typically a second party involved, and female lawmakers are gunning for him. The rates at which social media users have been posting articles, sharing, reblogging, writing, recruiting, drafting petitions, and disseminating those petitions has been astounding. Third-wave Feminism allowed for the idea that a woman could wear a dress and heels, and still be a feminist. Feminism has always been about choice - about being able to choose your destiny so that you can fully realize your potential. This requires equal rights. Feminism on the Internet allows for every woman, and every man, to support those rights with the click of a button. People are speaking out, and this time, we don’t need the national news for our voices to be heard. Many women my age have well-paying jobs and college educations, and when you’re young and without dependants, everything looks equal. It looks equal until a superior calls you princess, until office coworkers call you sexy, until another superior comments on your breasts. It looks equal until you’re told to your face that if you’re going to be realistic, you need to choose career or family. It looks pretty equal while you’re young, attractive, and unattached. But I’m worried about what it will look like in five years. I’m worried what it will look like when I lose access to birth control. I’m worried what it will look like when I need an abortion because I can’t afford to care for my child with a lower salary. I’m worried what it will look like when I ask for my job back after maternity leave. I’m worried what it will look like for my daughter when she’s entering the workplace. I’m worried for her because my mom thought I would have it so much better, and I don’t. But let’s send a big ole thank you to Idaho State Senator Chuck Winder for suggesting women are using rape as an excuse for abortions. Another thank you to Sarah Palin for not encouraging the use of birth control. Another to Rush Limbaugh for asking to see videos of us having sex. A big thank you to all the states trying to make transvaginal ultrasounds mandatory for all women seeking to terminate their pregnancy. As the GOP’s continued ignorant and inhumane missteps get spread over the World Wide Web, it’s important to remind them that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. For every F word they send to us, for every bill they propose that denies us control of our bodies and our lives, they are helping to bring to life the very movement they campaigned to dissolve, a movement that seeks to bring true equality to this nation and to this world, a more potent and powerful F word: Feminism. leveledmag.com 81

SUPER PACs = SUPER BULL L

et’s play a quick game called “I am a U.S. citizen”. Feel free to join in even if you’re from another country. This is a fun game that everyone around the world can play. First of all, congratulations - you live in the United States of America, an awesome country founded on the principles of democracy. Since the creation of our country’s constitution, everyone has been guaranteed equal rights (especially after we abolished slavery a hundred years later), and everyone has been assured an equal voice in all political decisions (especially after we started allowing women to vote in 1919). Now, let’s pretend you’d like your equal voice to be heard by American politicians and the general public. No problem. Are you the CEO of a large corporation, or are you extremely wealthy? If you answered yes to either one of these questions, then get your checkbook out and prepare to be heard. If you answered no to either or both of these questions, welcome to reality. Then again, if you’re not rich and/or in a position of power, you already know how hard it is to get anybody to care about what you have to say. 82

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if you’re not rich and/or in a position of power, you already know how hard it is to get anybody to care about what you have to say. by Carl Withers

Money attracts power, and vice versa. These two things alone make people very influential. However, there are a few exceptions of people throughout history who have had a profound influence over others even though they were poor and not in a position of authority. The most well known of these people is probably Jesus who spoke against the pursuit of wealth and power, which arguably led to him being killed by the rich and powerful Roman Empire. So there you go. While the Roman Empire may no longer exist, there’s an updated version of it in America that is more than ready to impose their will. These guys don’t wear togas or Centurion garb. They wear business suits. And instead of pledging allegiance to Rome, they pledge allegiance to the almighty dollar, because it is their abundance of dollars that allows them to do whatever they want. But in this day and age, they understand that killing people like our old pal Jesus is bad for public relations. Plus, they know that all they have to do is outspend their opposition if they want their message to be the one that most people hear. Thanks to two different rulings in 2010 by the

POLITICAL RANTS WITH CRAZY CARL

supposedly all-wise Supreme Court, there’s no limit to how much money can be spent to advocate for or against political candidates and policies. While it is still illegal for an individual to donate more than $2,500 directly to a candidate during an election, there are plenty of other ways to manipulate politics with money. In January of 2010, the Supreme Court ruled that the government cannot place limits on spending for political purposes by corporations and unions. Basically, Justice Kennedy of the Supreme Court stated in his closing comments that corporations and unions should not be prevented from engaging in free speech as granted by the First Amendment. A fine point. However, corporations and unions were never in danger of being denied free speech. For some reason Justice Kennedy seems to think that allowing a corporation or union to spend as much money as they want to sway a politician or public opinion is the same as the simple, basic right of free speech. These two concepts are obviously and dramatically different. Furthermore, most of us can’t afford to pay for a political ad campaign so that our free speech can even be heard. Thanks to Justice Kennedy and the other judges who sided with him, corporations and unions now have free range to spend as much as they want promoting or slinging mud at various candidates and issues. Granted, most unions are comprised of working class individuals. One could argue that it’s a fair trade to allow elite corporations and middle class union workers to go head to head in political spending. However, most large corporations make billions of dollars in profits each year. Unions and their members don’t even come close to having that much disposable income. Clearly, that leaves us with big businesses as the victors. You can count on being bombarded with a lot of misleading propaganda that favors candidates and policies that will primarily benefit the wealthy. I guess they’re not rich enough, but then again, greed is a slippery slope. But wait, there’s more. After one obviously bad decision, the Supreme Court decided to keep the train rolling off the tracks with their second ruling in June of 2010. They doubled down on allowing an onslaught of money to poison politics by further ruling that any person or organized group can pool their money together with other like-minded people or groups for political purposes. These pooled together groups are now commonly known as Super PACs (Political Action Committees). It was bad enough that the Supreme Court said that a corporation or wealthy person could spend an unlimited amount of their vast fortune to spread political propaganda, but then they ruled that it was okay for them to team up with other rich fat cats and really throw some money around in order to steer the public’s perspective to their side. None of this makes sense. From what I can tell, the mega rich were doing just fine before the Supreme Court allowed them to form All-Star teams. In a frivolous effort to make things appear fair, Super PACs are not allowed any contact with candidates that they campaign for. This rule supposedly forces Super PACs to solely follow their own agenda and not that of a particular candidate. However, any member

of a candidate’s campaign team can abruptly quit and then start working for a Super PAC, supplying them with whatever message the candidate would like to promote. Rick Tyler, one of Newt Gingrich’s previous aides, has already done this. Or a candidate could just make special appearances at Super PAC fundraisers like Mitt Romney. Who knows what Romney says behind closed doors to Super PAC members while he’s there. But besides all that, it’s common knowledge where every candidate stands on each issue. So it’s obvious to any Super PAC how to tailor their message in order to help their favored candidate get elected. Even President Obama has a Super PAC that endorses him. While he has made many statements about his dislike of Super PACs and their corruptive qualities, he has no choice but to condone the Super PAC that supports him. The same applies to any candidate who may feel that Super PACs are a threat to our democracy. If every other candidate has one, those without a Super PAC would be at a distinct disadvantage in an upcoming election. Their message would quickly be drowned out and trumped by the message of a Super PAC that has dramatically more money to spread propaganda, and thus a much greater ability to sway public opinion. There is no high road in our current political system. Billions of dollars are already spent every year by industry lobbyists in Washington to make sure certain legislation is voted the way they want. It’s clear to anyone that our entire political system is corrupted by outside special interest groups with big bank accounts. Sure, politics everywhere has been corrupted by money since the beginning of modern civilization, but that’s no reason for us to accept this as the way things have to be. Nor does it excuse our Supreme Court for allowing the situation to get worse. So many people in the U.S. regularly tout the Constitution and the democratic rights that it theoretically guarantees every citizen, yet they fail to mention that unless you can afford to practically bribe your way towards getting others to listen to you, your voice will not be heard. Then again, I guess the United States of America really is all about freedom. Anyone with an abundance of money is free to buy our political system. Now that’s something to cheer about as a U.S. citizen. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Thanks to Justice Kennedy and the other judges who sided with him, corporations and unions now have free range to spend as much as they want promoting or slinging mud at various candidates and issues.

But in this day and age, they understand that killing people like our old pal Jesus is bad for public relations. leveledmag.com 83

financial Wasteland mattie thomas

“my brother digs a ditch, paints a house, wipes someone’s ass, does hard labor and has to pay [a] 35 percent [income tax].”

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f you’re an individual with a job, then you are paying 35% federal tax on your income for your hard work, physical labor, sweat and tears (most folks are on an hourly basis, some on a salary), while those who earn “passive” income through investments and stock option bonuses only pay 15% federal tax on their capitol gains. Think about it. I can park my money some place and earn interest or equity on that investment, and I only have to pay 15% in taxes on that investment income, while my brother digs a ditch, paints a house, does hard labor, wipes someone’s ass and has to pay 35%. Is that fair to you? How about this one? I can buy stuff and deduct it as an expense from my taxes because I am considered a “corporation.” My brother can buy the exact same stuff, but he can’t deduct it because he is an individual. Does that seem fair? As a corporation, if I don’t have to pay taxes on my profits then I don’t feel the need to re-invest that income in my business. However, if I know that I will have to pay taxes on that income, chances are I’m going to reinvest that income back into my business. It’s that simple! And so this is where we begin. Due to globalization and advances in technology, our world has changed for sure, and with the retirement of our Baby Boomers (who are living longer and longer) our tax system has become outdated, unfair and inefficient, and therefore should be changed to bring jobs, growth and prosperity back to America. However, there are three issues that arise to take into consideration: 1.) Balancing the government’s budget, deficit, and revenue problems without having to cut Social Security and Medicare. 2.) Maintaining America’s global competitiveness while

creating domestic jobs. 3.) Fixing the political gridlock in DC and finding the political determination to fix issues 1 & 2. But before we can even go there… a quick little history lesson to bring us up to speed:

In the 1890’s Industrial Revolution, during America’s first Gilded Age... many wealthy businessman [were] called ‘Robber Barons’ because they used questionable practices to amass their wealth. During the 1890’s Industrial Revolution, during America’s first Gilded Age, John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, Cornelius Vanderbilt and J. P. Morgan were among the many wealthy businessmen called “Robber Barons” because they used questionable practices to amass their wealth. They were the ones who ruled the booming oil, steel, railroad, real estate and finance industries. These powerful industrialists pressured for whatever they wanted through bribes and campaign contributions. If someone in Washington tried to get in the Robber Barons’ way, they usually pushed back with a force so strong it could end a politician’s career. In fact, these industrial titans were considered to be even more powerful than the president. As a result, corruption extended to the highest levels of government. The corporate bosses and politicians enriched themselves and kept themselves in power. Laws were written for the Robber Barons’ wealth rather than for the commonwealth. In the 18th century words of Henry Lloyd, our government became a “government by campaign contributions.” In the words of Rutherford B. Hayes, our system of governance transformed from “a government of the people, by the people, and for the people” into “a government by the corporations, of the corporations, and for the corporations.” As it was, the government held the keys to corporate and private fortunes by giving away land and cold hard cash (subsidies) for railroads, tariff protection (tax loopholes) for manufacturers, mountains for mining companies, timberlands for lumber kings, court orders to prevent strikes, and by using state militia, federal lawmen and U.S. Army regulars to break strikes and shoot strikers. All the while, a large working class (also on the rise), saw its dreams fade as it languished in a state of wage slavery and grinding poverty. In short, through the corruption of political culture, the government implemented special protective laws, corporate tax breaks and subsidies, (intended to be temporary) to help transform the nation into a leading industrial power. But then, those special tax breaks, loopholes and subsidies were made permanent since they benefited the corporations even after they were no longer necessary to help develop those industries. President Theodore Roosevelt tried to reign over these titans through the creation of antitrust laws, child labor laws, minimum working conditions and health codes. However, no president has been able to control the special treatment of corporate tax breaks, loopholes, and subsidies. This is because any spending bill in Congress has to be re-voted on for infrastructure, transportation, education, research and development, etc.

in order to balance the budget every year. Unfortunately, these corporate subsidies, loopholes, and tax breaks are never revisited by Congress. I know it’s crazy, isn’t it? In fact, the government wasn’t even keeping track of them until the 1960s. Once they gave these goodies to industries and corporations (on the taxpayers’ dime), it became impossible to take them back. President Reagan and George H.W. Bush had to raise taxes after lowering them (so did President Clinton) in order to balance their budgets and Clinton even left us with a hefty surplus for a rainy day. Then all those surpluses disappeared with George Bush’s tax cuts, leaving us with a huge deficit. Later, President Bush’s new Medicare Part D program turned out to be a free-for-all for the pharmaceutical companies since it did not allow for the federal government to negotiate drug prices in bulk for Medicare consumers as it does for our military consumers. Seriously! The drug companies can charge whatever they want, the sky is the limit, and the American taxpayers have to pay for it. Furthermore, let’s not forget about the Iraq war, which wasn’t paid for with a customary war tax or bond. Now, the Republicans want to minimize the government using austerity measures by eliminating President Obama’s Affordable Health Care Act (forcing pharmaceutical companies to negotiate prices) and by eliminating Social Security and Medicare as we know it, in order to balance the budget and lower the deficit instead of getting rid of the Robber Barons’ subsidies and tax breaks of yesterday and today. So, let’s fast forward to today… Third world countries like China are finally able to develop their economies through manufacturing and innovation, taking their people out of poverty. This can be a win-win for everyone, but only if both countries have an even playing field in terms of employment safety, environmental regulations and currency valuation. That said, China is going through the same growing pains America went through during the Industrial Revolution, and their people are becoming more knowledgeable and demanding (better pay and working conditions), all while the American people are demanding better environmental protections. This is starting to slow China’s rapid growth. Once this inevitable leveling off starts happening in China, coupled with rising oil, gas and shipping prices, there will be a more even playing field and manufacturing jobs will come back to America. In fact, some are already starting to come back. So it’s really only a matter of time. Regardless of the growing pains both here and abroad, this can be a good thing for raising billions of people out of poverty and can create more demand overseas for American products (and for oil, but that is a whole other conversation). Getting back to this conversation… The current global situation doesn’t help those Americans who are out of work right now, and China’s communist government is slow to make reforms for its people. So, what can we do in the interim to save our shrinking economy? And how did we get here in the first place? You see, back in the ‘60s, President Nixon had three great accomplishments. He formed the Environmental Protection Agency and introduced Managed Healthcare (the HMO), and even further, he opened up trade with China, which was going to be a win-win for everyone. China’s economy would grow, America would be able to sell its cars to the Chinese, and American consumers would get cheaper products for their homes like brand new appliances and electronics. However, in the ‘80s, President Reagan introduced the “trickle-down theory” also known as “Reaganomics”, that would take us back to the days of the Robber Barons. The premise follows: if the government gave tax breaks and special subsidies to American corporations, then the corporations in turn would pass the money down to the American people through jobs. This only worked temporarily, but not for very long. The Savings and Loan scandals (caused by the deregulation of the financial markets, the fear of communism and the “Cold War”) were at an all leveledmag.com 85

time high. America was in a race with Russia to amass nuclear weapons and the Middle East was in turmoil due to Iran potentially turning into either a communist or Islamic state. Oil prices and the Industrial War Complex had risen to a height not seen since WWII and, then later, Vietnam. Eventually, President Reagan had to do an “about face” and raise taxes in order to increase revenues to run the government and pay for the Industrial War Complex. George H.W. Bush then had to raise taxes again. However, to this very day, this old way of thinking, this “trickle-down theory”, is what contemporary Republicans believe and are fighting for: “No taxes and plenty of subsidies for the oil companies and job creators.” The problem with that “old way” of doing things is that the “trickle-down theory” doesn’t work anymore because the money is now trickling east to China. On top of that, without American jobs we have no consumerism; without consumerism, we have no growth; and without growth, we lose more American jobs. It’s a downward spiral. America is on a path of regression instead of growth. Republicans plan to take draconian austerity measures, like cutting funding for government jobs (including teachers and firefighters), only exacerbates the problem. Meanwhile, American corporations have morphed into Global Multinational Corporations (GMCs) whose only function is to profit and NOT be concerned with the greater American good. This presents us with a conundrum… a conflict between an individual’s wealth verses our entire country’s commonwealth. Now I’m not saying that it should only be about commonwealth, because I’m not a communist, but I do think that there needs to be an even playing field and a “balance” between the two. Morever, creating an even playing field, finding a balance, and enforcing it, should be the function of the federal government. Unfortunately, the balance of voices being heard in Congress is offkilter, whereas only the corporations and special interests are being heard. In fact, they are so strong that the other voices representing the interests of the common people are being drowned out by corporate lobbyists and campaign finance laws. (Especially with the new landmark campaign finance ruling by the Supreme Court that removes limits on corporate campaign spending.) As I said, I’m not a communist. I am all for a free market, but not everything should be left to a free market because not everything is meant to be driven by profit. Certainly not our military or judicial system, 86

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emergency services, infrastructure, basic research and development for the safety, education, healthcare, welfare, and retirement nest eggs for all Americans. These basic necessities for the commonwealth are meant to maintain a healthy and civil society and are not always going to be profitbased, and therefore cannot be left to the private sector to pick and choose what they think is profitable and what is not. For instance, a pharmaceutical company is going to spend their research and manufacturing dollars on a highly profitable tiny blue boner pill rather than continue to manufacture cancer medication after their patent expires. It’s simply not profitable to manufacture cancer medication once their patent expires. They’d rather focus more on “lifestyle” drugs that are more profitable. So when hospitals run short on cancer medication, people die. So you see, certain things that are needed for the greater good, but may not be profitable, should be the responsibility of a strong central government. But back to our conversation… The GMCs, the Robber Barons of today, are only driven by profit and are not concerned for American workers. They want to use the fear of China’s growth to bait our government into a race to the bottom of deregulation, lower wages, and continued subsidies as well as another tax moratorium on foreign profits. These American based GMCs don’t want to pay income taxes on their foreign profits because they claim that they already have to pay foreign taxes. They say that despite their record profits, if they pay domestic taxes, then they cannot be competitive against foreign corporations. So, even though they are based in America, they don’t want to pay their fair share. In other words, their money sits in banks overseas earning interest. Back in 2004, the federal government gave them a tax amnesty on their foreign profits to “repatriate” that money back to America (AKA bring those profits back to invest in American jobs). Instead, they pocketed the money by raising their stock prices, earning themselves more in dividends taxed at a lower, 15% rate. Now, eight years later, they’ve been holding onto their overseas profits. Again, until they can repatriate that money tax-free on the false promise that it would help the American economy. Two separate bills are currently in Congress, written by corporate interests giving them amnesty again this year to bring home their money tax-free with the promise of American jobs. I’d bet that if hardworking Americans knew that these American based

GMCs are not paying taxes on their foreign income while reaping the benefits of living and working in America (enjoying America’s infrastructure but not having to contribute to that infrastructure) those hard working Americans would be outraged. This is why the federal government should NOT step aside and simply rely on the private sector to take care of America’s job growth and “fix” our economy. The “trickle-down theory” doesn’t work anymore. Globalization, foreign competition in the workforce, and technology may lower costs for GMCs, but they also replace American jobs. The loss of American jobs lowers consumer spending, which slows the growth of our economy. This is where our government needs to come in. Our government didn’t step aside during our recent “great recession” to save the “too big to fail” banks and the American car industry because the government has an important role to play without being labeled “too big.” It’s about being a smart and strong government, and not necessarily a big or small one. So, despite the record profits by these GMCs , they are demanding an even playing field from our government by insisting on low or no taxes and regulations, just like China. Yes, even though taxes are the lowest they have been in America for GMCs, taxes and regulations are now even lower in China since they lowered their taxes in order to be lower than ours. Just like they keep their currency value low…but so are the living and working conditions for the Chinese. Lowering our taxes to match China’s is a recipe for lowering our basic living conditions like China’s pre-industrial revolution era. It’s become “a race to the bottom,” a race to go back in time to our own Industrial Revolution. Instead, we should pay a little more for those products and insist that the Chinese government raise the standards of both working and living conditions for their citizens. We should demand better global environmental and trade laws with China and fix the tax code, making it more fair so that the Robber Barons of today pay the same tax rate that the common American laborers pay. Yet, some politicians in Congress who are “bought and paid for” by these Robber Barons are on a mission to shrink the government instead. They want to privatize Social Security, turn Medicare into a voucher program, and dismantle FEMA, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and other regulatory agencies. All this, so that the new Robber Barons can continue their free reign of greed, with no government oversight and continue to exploit tax loopholes and receive government subsidies, this is exactly how we got into this mess to begin with. Some people seem to be suffering from a kind of collective amnesia. After the worst economic and financial crisis since the Great Depression, they want to return to the same practices that got us into this mess in the first place. They seem to think that we are better off when everybody is left to fend for themselves and play by their own rules instead of everyone getting a fair shot, doing their fair share, and playing by the same rules. So, how do we cut government waste, balance our budget, build our economy, invest in innovation and rebuild our infrastructure while getting rid of our growing deficit? We need meaningful tax reform that includes the re-evaluation and elimination of our current system of corporate subsidies and tax loopholes for these American based GMCs with record profits and “temporarily” give those subsidies to smaller growing American companies and entrepreneurs who bring jobs and infrastructure back to America. Social Security and Medicare should be left alone. People who received unemployment benefits, Social Security and Medicare... PAID for those insurance benefits and there are plenty of funds put aside for those insured benefits (there would be more if Congress wouldn’t have stolen some of those funds to balance the budget in the ‘90s). So, we shouldn’t blame the poor and unemployed for this deficit and we shouldn’t take money away from them in the name of the lowering the

deficit. If anything, we should raise the FICA tax cap. Right now, people making over roughly $140K a year do not have to pay FICA on any of their earnings over that amount. If we raised the cap and made people pay FICA on all their earnings or at a much higher cap, there would be plenty of money set aside for our aging population. It isn’t fair that someone who makes less than $140K has to pay 7.65% tax on all their earnings and someone who is paid more, gets to pay a smaller overall percentage of Social Security and Medicare tax. The federal government should also not be allowed to dip into Social Security and Medicare funds in order to balance the budget or pay for war, as they regularly do now. The Federal Reserve continues to throw us a bone by maintaining low interest rates so that we can get our economy going with a low borrowing cost. We should be getting people back to work with federal dollars through the private sector by fixing our infrastructure, our dilapidated roads, bridges, and schools and expanding public research and manufacturing in medicine and technology. We must get rid of the federal subsidies and tax loopholes for oil companies, farm subsidies and wealthy Robber Barons. Robber Barons who get paid to NOT farm their second and third homes…rural country estates (that are no longer farms to begin with) and many other outdated goodies, loopholes and subsidies given to the 19th century Robber Barons. We need to get rid of government waste, but without getting rid of a safety net for the sick, elderly and poor. Paying taxes for the commonwealth of our country should be a patriotic move on the part of the wealthy. President Obama tried to do that with his latest Jobs and Infrastructure Bill which included a balanced approach that eliminated tax breaks for the Robber Barons, however, Tea Party Republicans in the House refused to bring it to a vote. President Obama understands that the mandate in Washington should be about growth and jobs, as well as getting rid of waste, inefficiency, mismanagement and profiteering by the GMC’s special interests along with millionaires and billionaires, and not on the backs of the elderly, disabled, women and children. It has already been proven that tax breaks alone do not bring about American jobs. It didn’t help with the Bush tax cuts, and raising taxes proved to motivate corporations to reinvest their profits into job creation.

Right now, people making over roughly $140K a year do not have to pay FICA on any of their earnings over that amount. Companies would rather reinvest their profits than pay taxes on those profits like back in the ‘90s when taxes were higher during the Clinton administration and business was booming. The “premise of tax cuts and deregulation” being key to helping the economy grow is a Republican myth. The Reagan “trickle-down theory” does not apply anymore. The GOP using economic terrorism by refusing to balance the budget or raise the debt ceiling on obligations (already voted for in the past by the GOP and incurred during the Bush administration) is dangerous and unAmerican for that matter. The GOP’s austerity measures and refusal to pass President Obama’s “Jobs and Infrastructure Bill stems from the party caring more about destroying leveledmag.com 87

President Obama than anything else. They would rather see America fail on President Obama’s watch so they can regain the White House. The GOP has abused our constitution by taking an unprecedented step in “filibustering” every single bill that our President has offered (that includes tax hikes on the Robber Barons of today). So now a simple majority rule to pass a bill doesn’t exist. Congress has to have a two-thirds majority for any meaningful legislation to go through. In the past twenty years there has been an average of roughly 10 to 50 filibusters per year. But in 2008 alone (Obama’s first year in office and when the Democrats controlled the House and the Senate) the GOP had a record breaking 104 filibusters. That is not governing, that is politicking. Speaking about politicking, this happened back in 1945 when Franklin D. Roosevelt was President. He was shepherding America out of the Great Depression and signing into law the FDIC and Social Security Act within the “New Deal” in the late 1930s, which Republicans hated, calling it “socialism.” Roosevelt pushed on leading America during Pearl Harbor and WWII. Then, when he died in 1945, Vice President Truman became President for Roosevelt’s remaining term. This was the GOP’s chance to take back the White House, so they started politicking by using obstructionism on President Truman (who appeared feeble since Roosevelt was a tough act to follow for anyone). In response, Truman used his battle cry of GOP obstructionism in order to win the White House for a second term. This also happened after Kennedy died and President Johnson who took over and signed an Amendment to the Social Security Act introducing Medicare in 1965. Reagan was eyeing the California governorship at that time declaring that America was going to become a communist nation if Medicare became a reality. Well, that never happened. Now the GOP is crying foul, saying that President Obama is a socialist. They want to privatize Social Security, turn Medicare into a voucher program, and reverse the new Affordable Healthcare Act that will now force the pharmaceutical companies to negotiate drug prices for Medicare. So, they continue with their self-destructive politicking instead of compromising and governing. So because of this, it appears that there is nothing we can do to take care of tax reform, reignite job growth, reduce the deficit and balance the budget until after the next election. This is why this next election is going 88

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to be the most important one of our generation. My message to the Robber Barons of today is this: The tax-deductible money you use to influence our elections are better served going towards general taxes or wages in return for living in America and having your “real” corporate offices based in America rather than some bullshit P.O. Box or empty office suite in another country. You should not be able to buy our government so you can write our laws only to raise your profits while screwing over America’s basic health and welfare as a whole. Don’t forget that America is a democracy, not a plutocracy and not a communist nation. If you are going to live in Amerca, flourish here, be an American citizen and reap the benefits of America’s infrastructure, you should have to pay your fair share in taxes just like everyone else. The more you make, the more you pay. It’s that simple. If you don’t want to pay your fair share and follow reasonable regulations that protect this country as a whole, then you can move your family and homes to China, India, Brazil, or wherever else you think has a better business climate that takes precedence over that country’s basic health and welfare of all its citizens. And my message to Congress is this: Keep in mind that the fate of the US economy and the fortunes of US

We do need to get rid of

government waste, but

without getting rid of our safety net for the

sick, elderly and poor.

companies are no longer connected. 70% of incremental revenues of S&P companies over the next five years will come from outside of the USA. The Robber Barons of yesterday have gone global. Government tax revenues are the lowest they have been since Eisenhower. How do you expect to run a government without revenue? When President Clinton was in office we had a surplus of seven trillion dollars, and 23 million jobs were created. All of this happened while he raised taxes to their highest they had been since WWII. Then, when President Bush cut taxes we lost 8 million jobs. A strong, efficient and well-financed central government is essential for the wellbeing, safety, education, health, and sustenance of American citizens. It isn’t meant to serve foreign government interests

every year, just like any other budgetary expense. Any morally sound safety net should be for the elderly, the very sickly and the poor, and not oil companies and other GMCs. We need to invest in America’s infrastructure, research and development in order to kickoff American consumption. That is moral and that is fair. If we want to bring jobs back to America from overseas, then we should give employers incentive and relief by excluding them from the responsibility of paying for and administering employee benefits such as health insurance and pensions. Employers should not have to purchase and administer health insurance and pensions for their employees. Basic health insurance and retirement should not be tied to jobs or industries. Those employees

my message to the Robber Barons of today is this: The tax-deductible money you use to influence our elections are better served going towards general taxes or wages in return for living in America and having your ‘real’ corporate offices based in America rather than some bullshit P.O. Box or empty office suites in another country. You should not be able to buy our government so you can write our laws only to raise your profits while screwing over America’s basic health and welfare as a whole.

or to profit GMCs that can easily buy you in order to write our laws that really just benefit them while harming our infrastructure and the individual tax-paying American. If we want to do this right and lower the deficit in a responsible manner, then we have to get taxpayers back to work so that they can become tax-paying consumers again. We have to get corporations investing back into their companies here in America. Don’t forget that it is the sole purpose of corporations to make money, not to protect the American economy. So we can’t expect them to do it. That is what the government is supposed to do. So they need to do it! Regarding the new Supreme Court decision, I’m all for free speech and that free speech can translate into money, but the revolving door and financial collusion between GMCs, foreign interests and the US government is a conflict of interest with the American people and that of the greater good. Not only do we need an equitable tax code, we need cooperation and a balanced approach to legislation, and we need more transparency in our elections. We have entered into a new gilded age verging on a plutocracy rather than a democracy since GMCs and foreign interests are taking over America’s government (which was initially formed to represent none other than we the people… for the people… and by the people. It was not formed for GMCs or foreign interests). What fixes do I propose? I propose fixes that are moral and fair for all of us. The income tax rate should be the same for everyone based on a percentage of their total adjusted gross income no matter how they earned it. I am all for capitalism, I just think that the rules should be the same for everyone. Big corporations should not be getting bailouts and subsidies; they don’t need them. That isn’t true capitalism. It’s socialism for the wealthy, while the hardworking middle class has to pay for it. So, every single subsidy and loophole should be revisited and voted on

should be able to pay for and unitize those benefits wherever they go. This is something the government should be in charge of and the basic structure is already in place, and it can easily be done by expanding Social Security and Medicare for all. That will free up employers and employees tremendously. Unions can focus on workplace safety, hours, vacation pay, and hourly rates and not have anything to do with health insurance and pensions. We can pay for it by raising the 7.65% FICA cap (which I believe is roughly around $140K). Again, everyone should pay the same rate for their total adjusted gross earnings no matter how they earn it. The minimum wage should be raised in order for individuals to be able to contribute to their individual health insurance and pensions that they can take with them wherever they decide to work and/or live, making those benefits “mobile.” Also, tax relief has proven NOT to help growth. Look at the Bush tax cuts; they did nothing to help grow the economy. That is also why TARP didn’t work. Almost half of that eight hundred billion was in tax relief! Tax relief for the wealthy doesn’t flood the economy with consumption. It’s like pouring a cup of water over a forest fire and saying water won’t work since it didn’t take out the fire. When in reality it wasn’t enough water. Corporations make more money by saving it than they do investing it in their companies. This is especially true when there isn’t high demand for their products. Companies hire people when there is more demand for their products, taxes and regulations have no barring on creating jobs right now. TARP helped Wall Street, but it did nothing for Main Street. All tax relief does is hurt the federal government taking desperately needed revenues away. So, Congress needs to get on board and start governing by working together and compromising rather than politicking and using obstructionism, because if this continues back and forth, tit for tat, nothing will ever get accomplished. leveledmag.com 89

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