Companion

It was 5th or 6th grade when we first met, Those years, half a lifetime ago. I tried to ignore you

Playing with Legos—destroying, sorting, then building And for a brief moment It worked.

Why did you fill my head with thoughts?

Thoughts of futures, both possible and not.

Inevitably, by the end of each, friends or I would grab your hand. These thoughts plagued by darkness, But I never gave them much heed, For I always believed them to be ordinary.

I’ve never blamed you for all that you’ve taken. Two dogs, a fish, and a guinea pig. My former classmates, members of my family, More of which seem to take your hand with every passing year, Since winter break when I was 14. When my grandmother and a classmate felt your grip.

Thank you for the only thing you’ve ever given me. The ability to love Life and you.

In summer, the song of birds and cicadas

Paired with the dance of maggots and flies. In autumn, the aroma of apples and pumpkins With the feel of mushrooms and dead leaves. In winter, the green pines and red fires

Stark against the white snow and gray skies. In spring, filled with cool rain and colorful flowers

Covering the rotting logs and spreading fungi.

For a decade you’ve kept me company.

In my loneliest moments, I’ve found you there, Silent, unwavering, calm.

I know for the coming years, you’ll follow me. Until the day comes when I can grab your hand And follow you home.

17

We sit silently on the bus

Sleep gathered in the corner of my eye

I slowly scribble answers on a worksheet against the vinyl seat

The soft hum of music slips out of your earbuds

As your fingers trace the title of your latest library discovery

Your homework is safely nestled away in a bright green folder

You always come prepared for class

Sharpened pencils peek out of the top pouch of your bag

A lunchbox laden with stickers anchors your notebooks in place

Hidden in the front pocket of your blue backpack

Thoughts and prayers are folded gently

Shielded in the hollow comfort of a faded hand-me-down

Inside your bag you marked your name with sharpie, dotted the i and crossed the t

A dog tag for the modern age

Lunchtime then lockdown, the countdown begins

It’s time for hide and seek

5. Take shelter under an old desk, your last line of defense

4. A bowed head embraces your knees, fingers locked clasping the nape of your neck

3. The pounding of your heartbeat

2. The inhale of a shaky breath

1. Ready or not here I come

We sit waiting

For the push of a locked door

The crack of steel piercing through the air

A blanket of our friends’ bloody bodies to carpet the floor

We sit waiting

For a familiar voice to say it’s over through a muffled intercom

For the crisp ringing of the bell and our teacher’s reprimands, the bell doesn’t dismiss you, I do he repeats For the next class to begin, for this day to end, for the cycle to continue We sit waiting

I sit silently on the bus

Today no one said I’m sorry for your loss I pull your stained backpack closer to my chest You tried to come prepared