Not An Invitation

“Sara, will you marry me?” The question hung in the air waiting for the correct reply, the penthouse apartment surrounded with his expectations and my doubts. My life was built around answering Ethan’s questions correctly. “Are you seeing anyone?” “Can I have your number?” “Are you a virgin?” “Do you like that?” “Do you love me?” Say yes, say no, say what he wants to hear.

With each answer I lost another piece of myself, my body an unwilling shrine of devotion to him. Every morning I enfolded myself in the scent of Chanel No. 5 mixed with the mango shampoo he picked out for me. My expensive pastel clothes, minimal makeup, and long blonde curls that I straightened every morning were all dictated by him. Every choice deliberately made so I could be perfect. I opened my mouth to answer, and his words poured out.

“Yes, I’ll marry you,” I replied.

As soon as I said it a knot began tightening in my stomach, my heart sped up and I could feel tears building. I bit my tongue to force my emotions in place and was greeted with an unsettling taste of iron. Blood began to pool from behind my teeth, pushing against my cheeks and rising to the roof of my mouth. Pursing my lips together, I tried to keep it contained and hoped that the droplets that escaped were mistaken for lipstick.

I felt the blood thickening. Racing to the bathroom, I opened my mouth, hoping to discard the mess that was bubbling up. The arrival of something smooth and sharp stood out amidst the liquid drowning me. Reaching inside I discovered my front tooth had been uprooted. As I stood staring at it, more teeth started to spill out. One after another, my hands frantically tried to push them back in place, but they slipped through my fingertips until handfuls of them fell to the floor. A crisp clinking sound as each one connected with the porcelain tiles. I tried to scream but the blood silenced the noise. A desperate gurgling sound was all that I could muster as tears ran down my face. My heart pounded faster and faster, the beat drumming underneath my skin, dislodging it from my chest and rising past my lungs. Slowly inching its way up my throat, each pulse vibrating through me, stealing my breath and pushing more blood forward. My fingers clawed at my neck as I gasped for air that would not come, until I felt a thick round weight land on my tongue. I quickly spit it onto the ground and watched in horror as my severed heart continued to beat.

How long had I been in the bathroom—seconds, hours, years—I don’t know. The pounding of my heart, the clatter of fallen teeth, and my gasps for air were all I could hear, all I could see. Just then, a knocking on the door began, growing louder and louder, matching the sound of my heart, pulsating on the floor. The mess, the mess in his house, the mess I had made. My body began to shake as I imagined his anger at discovering the scene.

Grabbing his monogrammed towel perfectly placed on the middle rack, I fell to my knees to hide what I had done. My hands trembled as I washed away the blood on the floor. I threw my discarded teeth in a plastic bag and hid them in the back of a bottom drawer. Yanking handfuls of toilet paper off the roll I frantically wrapped up my beating heart and threw it in the trash can, a dull clanking sound rang out when it hit the bottom. My head jerked back to the door as the knocking grew louder; my breath grew more ragged. I chucked the stained towel on top of the bloody mess and closed the lid. I hastily sprayed Chanel No. 5 into the air to mask the scent. My eyes darted around the spotless bathroom; it was beyond reproach. I opened the door to find Ethan waiting for me. His short dark hair perfectly in place, off-white trousers paired with a crisp tan button down. The sleeves meticulously rolled up to showcase his arms. He looked like a dream.

“Are you alright?” he said. Breathing carefully, I shook my head yes.

“Where’s your smile, pretty girl?” A question he asked me every time my perfect facade started to slip. Keeping my lips pursed tight, I forced a coy smile. He smiled back, showcasing his perfect pearly white teeth, “Good, you’re prettier when you smile.” He slid a diamond band around my finger. I stood before him silent and smiling, as blood continued to secretly fill my throat.

But a steady beat kept creeping out though the bathroom door, muffled but undeniable. My eyes darted back, willing the sound to stop, willing it to continue. Ethan forced his way inside, throwing off the lid and revealing the mess I’d tried to hide. Slowly I stepped back inside. My legs following my eyes, perfume filled my nostrils as I stood before my discarded heart and stared.

Suddenly my body acted without thought—I pushed Ethan aside and bent down on one knee. Gently, my hands reached down and picked it up, watching it beat as its blood ran down my arm. I turned it over in my hands, only to be reminded of the ring still on my finger. I slid it off and watched haphazardly as the diamond steeped in blood fell to the bottom of the bin. Slowly, I stood back up and walked out the door. An absentminded smile reached my lips as my eyes stayed glued to the beating in my hand.