the libersonian
April, 1 2016 Vol. 22 No. 8
Independent Student Newspaper of Davidson College Since Today
Administration Accidentally Releases Course Catalogue For 2027 Registrar Sophie McHugh Guest Writer
In the largest security breach Davidson has seen since Don Fogley’s accidental admittance of a female student in 1972, the Registrar mistakenly released the proposed course catalogue for 2027. Classes not meant for mortal eyes for another decade are causing quite a stir all over campus. “This wasn’t supposed to happen,” assured President Carol Quillen, “Yes, the classes were based on an algorithmic projection of future events. Sure, we’ve been developing highly advanced time travel technology in a lab covered by the new science building construction site. But our endeavors weren’t meant to be exposed quite yet.”
Quillen has reportedly been tied up in negotiations with Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, Dolly Parton, and several others vying for the rights to the time projection algorithm. As for the school, individual classes have led many students to question what type of future the technology depicted. The Fall of Europe, offered by Professor Tilburg, has raised concerns about current international events, Molinek’s course description of Infinity’s End seems to suggest that Pi is finite, and Environmental Studies seems to have been replaced entirely by a Wilderness Preparedness department. “I always wanted to be a history major, but now that I see that 2027’s history classes are
all about World War III, I think I’ll switch over to Poli-Sci,” admitted Lisa Bunkle ’19. It appears that graduation requirements have also been altered, the only distribution requirements now being just seven courses on cultural understanding and one in mathematics. World leaders aren’t the only ones vying for the visionary technology. Numerous break-ins have been reported, all perpetrated by Davidson students eager to get a look at their own projected futures. “I wanted to see if there was going to be a pop quiz in Paradise’s class,” confessed one anonymous culprit, “and then maybe check if I was gonna get lucky this weekend.” Others have shied away from even peeking at the course catalogue. Danny Blue, ’17 reports: “Nah man, knowing that kind of crap will just create a wormhole. A self-fulfilling prophecy if you will, like horoscopes. Knowing Trump will be president will just lessen anyone’s conviction to oppose him, that sort of thing. That said, Nelson’s Intro To Writing Post-Apocalyptic Fiction looks pretty dope.” Hope still remains for some sort of consistency persevering through the decade to come: It appears that despite all of the projected changes, the Classics department, professors included, will remain intact.
Gamma Delta Iota Hazing Reaching Fever Pitch Thomas Waddill Staff Writer
He cautiously looks around. “I’m so scared,” he whispers. “I feel like anything, absolutely anything, could happen to me an any moment.” This Gamma Delta Iota pledge – who requested anonymity for fear of targeted hazing from the GDI brothers – is but one of the many GDI pledges that have lived the past six weeks under constant dread and anxiety. GDI pledges are harder to spot that those paying their dues to earn a spot in the other campus fraternities. They lack the usual markers of pledges – they aren’t compelled to wear pins, collared shirts, or other articles of ridiculous clothing. No, the best way to spot a GDI inductee is by the constant expression of pure, unadulterated fear. “This,” says Rick*, “is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
Despite a nation-wide effort to purge hazing from colleges and universities, radical pledging practices have maintained a firm hold in most American campuses. Davidson’s Gamma Delta Iota chapter is, reportedly, a bastion of such cruel rituals. “If they would just tell us something, anything, about what we’re supposed to do,” continues Rick, “I’d be a little more at ease. But they’ve given us nothing. No word. No instructions. Absolutely nothing. Only a miserable existence of constant terror. We have no idea what to do. We don’t know where the brothers are. We don’t even know who they are. We just know that they could punish us for being bad pledges at any moment, anywhere.” Many pledges have undergone such psychological stress that they have sought help from campus mental health counselors. However, they usually walk away in no better a state of mind than went they went in. “They directed me to an anti-hazing
hotline,” Jack* told me in a secluded corner of the library’s basement. “But it didn’t help. The woman on the line asked me what kinds of things GDI is making us do. That’s the thing. I didn’t know. I had nothing to tell her. All I know is I’m scared.” Libersonian contacted GDI leadership for comment. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” responded Zach Blount. “Pledges? I don’t understand.” Almost every major case of hazing in the last decade has involved an extensive amount of secrecy regarding the barbaric rituals. Leadership will often look the other way and even deny any knowledge of its existence. “Honestly,” Rick confides, “I’m thinking of dropping.”
*Names changed to preserve safety of individual
davidson life
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April 1, 2016
Is Commons Meat-ing Our Expectations? Quinn Massengill Staff Writer One of the traditions I grew up with in a Christian household was giving up something for Lent (the period of time from Ash Wednesday to Good Friday—forty-eight days in total). This year I decided to give up eating meat. I chose this mainly because, before coming to Davidson, I never really had the option to even try to be a vegetarian since we love our crispy bacon, fried chicken, and rare steaks so much back in Mississippi.
Eating vegetarian in Commons as a freshman on the 16-meal per week plan, I learned that there are so many different ways to prepare chickpeas. (I also learned that chickpeas and garbanzo beans are the same thing—who knew?) Usually, this comes in the form of a vegetable stew or another similar dish, New Orleans Stew, Vegetable Hotpot, Mediterranean Stew, Italian Stew, or Masala just to name a few. I have to admit I missed the memo that vegetarians have a love affair with chickpea stews. Once Good Friday gets here, I think I might take another forty-eight days to give myself a break from chickpeas. A large portion of the time Commons isn’t serving up chickpeas to Davidson’s vegetarian and vegan population, they serve a less tasty version of the main course at the express line. Everyone loves the chicken parm, right? Well, if you’ve never had the eggplant parm instead, let me advise you to keep it that way. And veggie pot pie? I might have been a vegetarian for Lent, but that stuff is still blasphemy.
THE SPIT 1.0 This salivating week in The Spit, we have a not-sosalubrious, semi-palatable recipe for an alcoholic drink that will make your Sunday morning feel like hell, but your Saturday night feel like hell in a good way. Follow the rules for this drinking game and watch your friends dissolve into little puddles. You will need: • Cheap vodka (Aristocrat will do, but it’s not quite shitty enough) • Sriracha sauce • Salt • Pepper • Sugar • Onion • Martini Shaker • Ice • Deck of Cards
Claire Heartfield Staff Writer
All this isn’t to say that Commons isn’t great—I’m normally one of its staunchest defenders, especially when I’m leading tour groups and explaining the mandatory meal plan. But my conclusion from this experience is that being a vegetarian at Davidson can be a bland, mushy dietary experience. Kudos to all our Davidson vegetarians (go Samantha!). I hope you’ve got less beef with Commons than I do—oh wait, you definitely do.
1. Add ice to the martini shaker 2. The ratio of liquids is 7 parts vodka and 1 part sriracha 3. Shake shake sh sh sh shhhhh . ... .. 4. Peel an onion and use the largest flakes to line the bottom of a nice icy, frozen glass 5. Pour in your draaank 6. Sprinkle on the top of your drink 1 teaspoon of the following: salt, sugar, and pepper Now comes the fun part. Gather your friends into a circle with your drinks in front of you and deal the deck of cards. After a sacrifice to Satan (get creative here!), go around the circle clockwise with each person flipping over one card at a time. Pay attention to the person who flips their card over right before your turn. If their card is higher than yours, conjure a nice, thick glob of spit and plop it in your drink. If your card is higher than your predecessor’s, you’re in the clear. Continue this process until there are no cards left. At the end, everyone should count up their cards (face cards worth 10). Whoever has the lowest score has to chug their drink and make themselves another one. EW, right?! Well then, don’t lose. Word of advice: play fast and chug faster. XOXO & happy drinking, The Spit
sports
crime log
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issuu.com/libertasmag
Time Reported
Description / Location
3/12/16 at 0006 hrs
Loser fined for being in library on a Friday night Dean Referral
3/13/16 at 1514 hrs
Methamphetamine production operation at Chidsey North Dean Referral
3/15/16 at 2335 hrs
Emergency call from Kappa Sig / alleged ghost resembling a goose found haunting house Further Investigation
3/17/16 at 0103 hrs
Possession of a controlled substance Dean Referral
3/17/16 at 1620 hrs
Possession of some fuckin’ rad, OG, out-of-control substance Police, “not mad bout it”
3/19/16 at 0211 hrs
Cops not invited to Patterson Court banger 4 Students Arrested
3/20/16 at 0134 hrs
Girl fails to make a pic-stich for little’s birthday Expulsion
3/20/16 at 0202 hrs
Person caught yakking about own Libertas piece Further Investigation
3/22/16 at 0547 hrs
Overuse of Snapchat face swap Intervention
March Madness Predictions Madison Santos Head Sports Editor
It’s that time that all of us dudes just get to bro out and be guys for just a one month. You know what I’m talking about dudes. I’m talking MARCH MADNESS !!1!11!!!! Like all of you out there I’ve made my predictions for the entirety of the tournament and heck by the time this issue gets to your doorstep it might even be over, but full disclosure all of these predictions were written before the teams who even made it to the tournament got selected by Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhogs Day. So here we go the official predictions, guaranteed to be 100% correct by your trusty sports coordinating choreographer. 1 Seeds never get beaten in the first round, psh yeah I we all know that: Kansas will destroy the Austin Peay (Peay? More like Pee-YEW! This team sucks), Santos prediction 105-79. Davidson’s bitter rivals who name I dare not speak will beat the former Lob City All-Stars of FGCU 83-67. Holy Cow! 91-52? Oregon will slam the Holy Cross, seems like they’ll need more Team [holy]-Spirit if they hope to beat my projections. Virginia will take out the last of the 16-seed-squad, Hampton: 81-45, specific, I know this is what my model tells me though. To save you time dear bro, here’s the rest of the scores for the 64 team rd: Connecticut 74 over
games as well, so I won’t mince words or scores here, contact me to see my full list of predictions after reading if you’re curious. It’s going to be an unexciting Elite Eight with all the 1 seeds who will all lose besides UNC, so maybe it will be fairly exciting. Now I wish I could tell you guys the final scores for the Final Four and the Championship but as you can see when you have prophetic abilities such as my own, you have Colorado 67! Maryland with the slamaroo on to make a living putting your house on the line national heroes South Dakota St. 79-74. The by gambling. I’d hate for someone to try to rig Surf-State Showdown! Hawai’i will upset the later points in the games, so for my own California 77-66. Wichita State will shock the financial security I will release my predictions world again with a win over Arizona 65-55! after these games show. Don’t worry I’ll keep Miami is for sure the favorite over Buffalo and my promise, and show you guys all of the scores will cinch the lead 79-72. Iowa v Temple will that I predicted before these games ever even be the nail-biter of the first round with a huskgot announced. er win 72-70! Villanova will beat the team who has no idea where they even got a basketball team (UNC Asheville) 86-56. Indiana 99 to Chattanooga 12. Kentucky 85 over Stony Brook 57. Notre Dame 70 to Michigan’s measly 53. UPSET NUMBER 2: Steph F Austin will beat West Virginia 70-56. Wisconsin vs. Pittsburg, the match no one is looking forward to will be a Wisconsin win 47-43. Xavier will beat Weber State 71-53. You can see that I’ll nail the other
editors-in-cheif
Alyssa Glover, Samantha Gowing
editors
Claire Heartfield, Mila Loneman, Quinn Massengill, Madison Santos, Thomas Waddill, Cordelia Wilkes
guest writer
Sophie McHugh 14. Whence the majority of Libertasians hail
11. What Baker is known for
10. Also sometimes where we all go to school
16. London Bridge is falling.
7. Presidential Candidate Hottie 9. Beaumont Baby Staffer
13. Lake, as seen in Psycho
15. Top o' the Chambers to ya
3. Reading Day celebrity 4. We are climbing Jacob's _______
2. Where we all go to school
6. The color of my shirt
8. Lesser-known Cornelius lit mag
1. Ask Alyssa's Favorite Subject
5. Real winner of March Radness
12. An F Apartment costs an arm and a _____
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