ree: How to Read Minds

SECTION 1

A ♥

♥ A

SECRETS TO COMMUNICATING EFFECTIVELY

Communication seems to be a struggle in many relationships. What I love about great communication skills is that they not only change us, but they also change our relationships forever. If you’ll take the time to learn the skills presented in this section, you’ll become a more e ective communicator in your marriage and in your home as well as in your work and in your play.

Like magic, if you gure out how to speak to and listen to your spouse in e ective ways, you obtain the one thing that ma ers—results. e tips and tricks in the following pages are all about helping you and your spouse hear each other and respond in a healthy, e ective way. Results lead to more joy, more laughter, more fun, and more connection in your marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to say that I have all the answers. I know that a er twenty- ve years of being married to the woman of my dreams, these timeless principles work.

Keep in mind, marriage is all about being a team, being on the same page. If only one of you is trying to communicate e ectively and the other one isn’t, that’s like doing a card trick with one hand. Still possible, but limiting. If that’s your situation, keep pursuing your spouse and keep loving them in intentional ways. e secret to e ective communication in marriage is simple but takes a lifetime to master. Here’s the secret: speak in a loving, respectful way that your spouse can hear and that encourages them to respond to you and what you’ve said. If I ask Kimberly to grab a Coke for me out of the refrigerator and she brings me a jar of pickles, communication has failed—or she’s sending me another message because she knows I hate pickles. Regardless, the communication didn’t work, so she and I go back to the drawing board. is section will give you the tools to develop e ective communication skills that lead to results—creating magic in your marriage.

MISDIRECTION

Focusing on What Ma ers

Let your eyes look straight ahead; x your gaze directly before you. —Proverbs 4:25

1 1

Misdirection is essential for creating e ective illusions. Magicians know that in order to vanish a coin or make a ten-thousandpound elephant appear, awless misdirection is required. I love that moment in the show when audience members say to themselves, “I should’ve been watching that other hand!” Most people suspect that misdirection is all about having the audience look in the wrong place. In actuality, misdirection happens when the magician has the audience look in the right place at the right time. at’s what creates the illusion of the impossible. at’s what creates the magic.

In marriage, the goal is not an illusion of the impossible; the magic is created when we focus on the right things at the right time.

When a magician loses the ability to focus the audience’s a ention in the right direction, the illusion falls apart. Lose focus in your marriage and the basement couch will become your new best friend. In our marriages, it’s easy to lose focus, easy to be distracted and create habits of looking in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Healthy marriages require focusing on the right things so we can have the marriage that God intended for us. What should we focus on?

Focus on Moving Toward, Not Away

Most people assume that a magician is trying to get them to look away from one object by directing them toward something else. Yes, we are directing attention away from the secret, but by pointing your attention elsewhere, we’re moving our audience toward something better—a magical experience. If we directed people toward the secret, there would be KIMBERLY’S CORNER no wonder and awe, no surprise, and no special

Danny and I are like any other couple in moment. that we argue and have disagreements. In your marriage, the

In the early years of our marriage, we principle is this: move toward fought about the surface-level issues. what will bring out the best in

But the longer we are married, the your marriage and away from more we realize where we need to anything that distracts and put our focus when we disagree with hinders that e ort. each other. During the fght, we ofen Here’s an example: Let’s ask ourselves these questons: What say your spouse went out do I want out of this? How do I want and bought a big, nonrefundthis argument to end? Is this something able toy like a Jet Ski withtruly important, or am I simply hungry, out checking with you or the tred, or lonely? budget. (If you’re wondering Focus on communicatng your what a budget is, see chapneeds instead of atacking your ter 10). You might be upset, spouse. Focus on why you’re feeling even furious. But guess what? angry or sad. Are you hurt, disapYou decide how you respond. pointed, frustrated, or jealous? Focus Let’s look at some unhealthy on that emoton and communicate it. and healthy options.

You can react by going ballistic. You can beli le your spouse. You can use phrases like “you always” and “you never.” You can take away debit and credit cards. All these reactions mean you’re treating your spouse like a child instead of a partner.

Or you can show grace. You can listen. Really listen. You can try to understand your spouse’s decision. You can forgive. You can press in and connect instead of pulling away and ge ing upset. Or be er yet (since you can’t return it), you can be excited about jumping on the Jet Ski and having adventures together.

Here are two strategies to help focus on moving toward each other.

1. Create a Bonding Experience

Here are a few ideas to get you started. ● Watch the sunset on your roof, a hilltop, a lake, or at the beach. ● Picnic in the park, in your backyard, or take a drive to a favorite spot of natural beauty. ● Make a playlist, blast your favorite tunes, and dance together.

2. Look for Opportunities to Be ankful

In 1 essalonians 5:17, we are reminded to “give thanks in all circumstances.” Our ability to focus on being thankful positions us to be closer to our spouse. Make a game of it: how many things can I thank my spouse for?

● ank you for cleaning up. ● ank you for pu ing gas in my car. ● ank you for making the bed. ● ank you for choosing me today. ● ank you for breathing. Seriously, be er breathing than not!

Focus on Loving

A friend of mine, Woody, has a septic tank on his property. About every een to twenty years, he has to install a clean septic tank to get rid of everything that has ever been ushed down his toilets. is isn’t a oneperson job, so he invited a couple of buddies to help and started working on the project. Around noon Woody told the guys he was going to pick up lunch.

While he was gone, his two buddies decided they would pry the lid o the septic tank. As you can imagine, when they opened it, the smell was so foul and disgusting that they tried not to throw up. en they realized one of Woody’s dogs was running full speed toward the septic tank.

“No. He wouldn’t,” one said.

“ ere is no way!” said the other.

Before they could stop the dog, he leaped into the septic tank. Splash! e dog went under and didn’t come up.

“Where is he? Where is he? I can’t nd him,” they frantically shouted as they were arms deep in raw sewage trying to locate him and pull him out. “I’m going in.” e rst guy jumped in. Splash! Waist-deep, he screamed, “I still can’t nd him! I can’t nd him.”

Splash! e other guy jumped in.

“Got him!” ey li ed the dog out of the tank, and when his four paws hit the ground, he went crazy. He ran in circles, barking and yelping while Woody’s two friends tried to chase him down. While they were running in circles covered in a hurricane of diapers, girly products, and human waste, Woody rolls up in his truck. “What the heck!”

Once the methane gas wore o the dog, the three friends spent the next several hours cleaning up the yard, the dog, and themselves. Eventually, everything was back to normal—well, as normal as can be a er that kind of experience.

Sometimes marriage is a perfect storm of chaos; our relationship with our spouse feels like a hot mess. Sometimes our septic-tank story is just called Monday. But catch this: in the middle of our messes, we have a million ways to show love to our spouse. Marriage would be easy if couples could practice loving each other in perfect environments with no money problems, no family drama, and certainly no tension with each other.

But the craziness of life gives us the opportunity to laugh with our spouse and say, “Remember when we said, ‘In sickness and health!’ We had no idea what we were signing up for. But today in the middle of our mess, I want to remind you that I love you and there is no one else with whom I would want to navigate this storm. You are the one, baby!”

Focus on God

What you focus on changes everything. Imagine for a moment that you are holding a quarter in your hand. If you hold that quarter at arm’s length, it doesn’t appear that big. However, the closer you bring the quarter to your eye, the larger it appears. In fact, if you place it extremely close, the quarter can block out the entire sun. Of course, the quarter isn’t larger than the sun, but it can appear larger because of how closely you are focused on it. In the same way, when you focus on the small, trivial things in your marriage, you miss out on the massive blessings and grace God has in store for you.

Daily, you decide where to focus your a ention. What will you choose? If you focus on lack of money, that struggle will appear disproportionately large. If you focus on God who provides for birds of the air, the sh of the sea, and the owers in the eld, then you’ll be reminded of God’s power, His miraculous provision, His constant care for His people, and you’ll be reminded that He will sustain you.

Focusing on God looks di erent for each couple, but here are some tips and tricks to try.

1. Debrief Together

If you a end church together, nd ways of implementing the weekly messages you hear into your everyday life. Knowing that you’re going to talk about the message helps you to stay focused and actively engaged in listening.

2. Read a Great Book or Listen to a Podcast Together

ere are lots of great books and podcast to choose from. Find one that will challenge both of you to grow in your faith.

3. Serve Together

Serving others together helps a couple grow in their faith and gain perspective. is kind of shared experience can have a profound impact on your relationship.

4. Play Together

Find an activity or two that you enjoy doing together and talk about what God has been teaching you while you walk, ride bikes, or kayak as a couple.

e principle of misdirection is all about focusing on the right things at the right time. In marriage, it’s easy to get o rack, distracted, or caught up in our jobs, our kids, our activities, and to forget to invest in our spouse. e tips and tricks from this chapter will help you focus like a magician and create magic in your marriage.