Deep fried regret...

I’m back. Some of you that care may notice that I’ve been absent for a little while. Others of you may not have noticed or cared in anyway.

The last time I wrote anything for my good friends at Lifestyle1 was back in early February.

Unfortunately I got a bad haircut and so I’ve been really focused on trying to get that situation sorted.

My life is very difficult. I have children. They’re horrible. I have their mother. She is a burden on my emotional energy. And as I mentioned I’ve had this whole hair issue going on.

And while I’m thinking about ridiculous things in my life, have I ever mentioned my nitwit nephew Giannis? He lost a piece of Lego three weeks ago, and found it yesterday lodged in his left nostril. He hadn’t noticed it was there. Simp. But things have really spiralled negatively over the last couple of days.

Researchers have found that hot chips negatively impact on mental health, reportedly being linked to higher levels of anxiety and depression. Apparently the findings were more pronounced in young men and young people in general.

It’s always important to look into these studies carefully to see what exactly they’re talking about. Let’s start by examining the fact that this study comes from a research team in Hangzhou, China. Now who has something to benefit from discrediting the greatest food in the history of the world? That’s right, “Big Noodle”.

If people weren’t eating delicious golden fried potato, they might have to resort to something completely unsatisfying like noodles and rice. It wouldn’t be too farfetched to see this as a Chinese restaurant conspiracy. Just saying.

It’s pretty easy to be sceptical about this little story. Let’s be honest, who has ever felt depressed or anxious after eating hot chips? I think we know the result of eating of hot chips is the exact opposite. Hot chips lead to a feeling of euphoria and joy that is unmatched by anything else you can possibly put in your mouth.

I repeat, there is nothing you can put in your mouth that makes you happier, and you can take that any way you want to, people.

I do need to qualify this a little at this point though, and maybe if the good folks in Hangzhou delve a little deeper into their results, the following factors may explain their results.

I want to make something clear, the quality of chips has deteriorated over the last ten years. Coincidentally over that time people have over complicated something that was just fine how it was. Oven fried. Air fried. Beer battered. Steak house.

Bluh!

Butchering something that was so perfect exactly how it was will definitely cause some depression. When I’m looking forward to eating some delicious golden fried potato in a traditional format that I’ve experienced throughout my life, and I get some weird version of the classic, that brings my mood down pretty quickly.

Keep it simple, folks. Plain old square chips. Deep fried in fat in a deep fryer. They don’t need a texture on the outside. If you want to mix it up, crinkle cut is okay. French Fries occasionally. Chicken salt. Plain salt. As long as it’s pretty thick it doesn’t matter. I don’t mind them if they’re crunchy. I don’t mind if there are some soggy ones. In fact, I like some variety, as long as it’s within the safe boundaries I’ve described above.

It is entirely possible that expecting the goodness of classic hot chips and being disappointed with a poorly executed version may lead to depression and anxiety.

But no one will ever experience depression after eating a delicious hot chip. Simply not possible.

There were some questions being asked of the study by other researchers querying whether eating hot chips causes depression, or whether people who are depressed turn to hot chips, as in they comfort eat.

I suspect it is more likely that people who are feeling down see eating hot chips as a way to improve their mood.

With this in mind I think the researchers would have been better served examining how much better people felt after their hot chips. Maybe they were depressed, but I bet they weren’t after they’d filled their bellies with potatoey goodness.

I’ve done extensive research with the four times I’ve eaten hot chips since I read this study and found that my level of positive outlook on life has gone from a score of four out of ten prior to consuming the seagull treats, to 9.8 out of ten after snack completion.

Hot chips solve depression and anxiety. Even if you factor in the depression that obesity and high blood pressure will inevitably lead to, it still leads to better mental health outcomes than eating salad. Have you ever seen a happy supermodel?

It has been a tough year for hot chip aficionados like yours truly. First the potato shortage earlier in the year where I feared for my very existence.

Now these clowns suggesting that hot chips might be bad for my health? I sure didn’t see that one coming.

Needless to say, I’ll be persisting on a daily basis with disproving this study.

If you’ve got any suggestions for where I could find some delicious depression sticks, email me at robbietansel@gmail.com

ACROSS

1) Elbows, but not knees

6) Thicke from Canada

10) Thin nail

14) Says with certainty

15) Like early LPs

16) Licentious sort

17) “Shush!”

18) Cool off, dog-style

19) Pull down, so to speak

20) Big time for a practical joker

23) “Nonsense!”

25) Put away, in a way

26) Like a triathlete

27) Things to strive for

29) Chrysler’s parent company 31) Org. with a noted journal 34) Fit well together

35) Swarming pest 36) Purge

37) Group that recorded “The Joker,” 1973

41) Letter after zeta 42) William who founded CBS

Irish Rose’s man

Didn’t budge

Delta buildup

Hallucination, e.g. 48) Our sun 49) Rock’s Jon ___ Jovi 50) Common conjunction

The Joker player in “Batman,” 1989 57) Muscular woe 58) Widow of Jordan’s King Hussein 59) Son of Henry Ford 62) Make suds 63) Out of the ballpark

Ebbets Field great

Gets firm

Flexible Flyer, e.g. 67) Clay pigeon launchers

DOWN

1) Lobbyists’ org.

2) An ex of Frank

3) Hill slot

4) Begin a fall

5) Star-related

6) More than adequate

7) Don’t lift a finger

8)Cornerstone word

9) Too young

10) Brittany seaport

11) Word in Hope/Crosby titles

12) Pervasive glow

13) Reject as false

21) “___ a boy!”

22) Engine displacement unit

23) Cleanses with water

24) “Queen of American folk music”

28) Off-road buggy, for short

29) Steakhouse order

30) At one’s leisure

31) Arm of the Indian Ocean

32) Lowly assistant

33) 1 or 2, in 1 + 2

35) Pepper pulverizer

38) Computer printer name

39) Campaign office output

40) Psych majors’ degs.

46) Tennessee athlete, for short

47) What a caret signifies

48) Puts spin on

49) Used an auger

51) The “ones” in one-twos

52) Zoning unit, perhaps

53) Guitar great Atkins

54) Hard to rattle

55) Use a whetstone on

56) River of Silesia

60) Kreskin’s gift, supposedly

61) “___Miz”

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