Single and Satisfied | Doneisha Dodd

Single and Satisfied

When are you getting married? Do you have a boyfriend? How are you still single?

Once you reach a certain age, these questions start. And after a while it gets repetitive, and sometimes annoying. Do these people believe that my womanhood is defined by having a boyfriend or husband? Do they genuinely care about my life or are they just being inquisitive? While I have disappointed many people’s desires for my life, I sometimes wonder what God’s plan is for me as it pertains to relationships.

"...WHO YOU MARRY CAN DETERMINE YOUR ETERNAL DESTINY."

After my last breakup, I realized that I had lost my identity. My identity had been so wrapped up in my relationship that when it ended, I felt like I had lost everything. In return, I gained a broken heart, and was going through an identity crisis. Who was I if he didn’t love me? What was I supposed to do next?

After speaking to a godly counsellor, she gently guided me to the greatest Lover the world has ever known. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have godly counsellors in your life, people who are obedient to God and always point you back to His Word. Although it sounds cliché, I had to learn to love God by getting to know Him. I needed to make Jesus my everything.

But, what does that look like? Well every morning instead of texting my ex, I would read a text from God through his Word. It was important for me to do this first thing in the morning. I tried to focus on God’s love for me—the love that no man can ever measure up to. I was naive in thinking that a boyfriend was supposed to give me all the love that I would ever need. I needed to be fully committed to God first, before I could even consider being in a relationship. I had ignored the immeasurable love God has for me. Once I recognized this, I knew that the love I craved was only found in Jesus.

I had to make sure that I spent time with God in the evening as well. Previously, most of my evenings were spent talking on the phone for long hours (which I do not advise) and my heart became attached too quickly to someone that God didn’t have planned for for my future. I replaced that with having my evening devotion and ensuring that I maintained communication with my other friends.

Of course, there were several times I found myself feeling lonely after the relationship ended. I would wallow and dwell in the sadness; this did nothing to improve my emotional health. Instead, I realized that I needed to be in control of my thoughts. That was a lightbulb moment for me. Just because a thought entered my mind didn’t mean I had to dwell on it. So, whenever I thought of my previous relationship, I would banish the thought and think of how much better my life has been after the breakup, and how much happier I was that God cared about me so much to get me out of that bad situation.

I had to learn to be single and satisfied with Jesus. I am at the place where I am ok if I stay single. Obviously, I didn’t get to this point overnight; it involved a lot of prayer and a change of mindset. I had felt that I needed to have someone to be happy, but the breakup taught me how that was a grave mistake. My identity, self-worth and happiness cannot be found in anyone else. If I lose that person, then I lose myself. That was my sad reality. But, praise the Lord for His Word; it reminds me that my identity is found only in Jesus. He loves me with an everlasting love (see Jer. 31:3) and He is always with me (see Heb. 13:5 and Matt. 28:20).

I’m single, and that doesn’t mean that I no longer have a desire to be in a relationship. Some people think it’s all or nothing and while that may be the case for some, it is not the case for me. As I observe many marriages and relationships, I realize that it requires work and effort, and who you marry can determine your eternal destiny. So, when I think about it that way, I’m content with being where the Lord has me right now—single.

God made us as social beings, and with that we have three basic, God-given needs: love, significance and security. We can’t depend on others to fulfill and satisfy these God-given inner needs. And since God has created these needs, they can only be satisfied by Him. Here’s how the Bible tells us He does it:

Love: to know that someone is unconditionally committed to our best interest. “I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore, with lovingkindness have I drawn thee” (Jer. 31:3).

Significance: to know that our lives have meaning and purpose. “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end” (Jer. 29:11).

Security: to feel accepted and have a sense of belonging. “...for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” (Heb 13:5).

When you receive your love, significance and security from God, only then will you know who you are, and whose you are. You will experience true love, peace and joy while living single and satisfied.

I WAS NAIVE IN THINKING THAT A BOYFRIEND WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME ALL THE LOVE THAT I WOULD EVER NEED