The Bird Is the Word

BY TRACY BECKERMAN

I have often written about my mishaps and unfortunate interactions with suburban flora and fauna. In addition to my encounters with poison ivy and other nasty weeds, I have come up against grouchy uber-woodchucks, manic squirrels and psycho wild turkeys, to name a few. Although I have taken it all in stride, my husband thinks I have an unusually high rate of unpleasant nature issues for one suburban mom. I am quick to point out that since he works in the city, he doesn’t really have as much of an opportunity as I do for run-ins with wildlife ... at least the four-legged kind.

Personally, though, I think he is jealous. I have a much more exciting life than he does.

Sometimes, however, I think you get what you wish for, and recently, my husband won the award for the foulest encounter of the week.

It was a beautiful, sunny summer morning. My husband emerged from the subway with a smile on his face and a bounce in his step. After a cleansing rain the night before, the city glistened as the sun bounced off the skyscrapers and dried up the last few puddles that lingered in the street. He stopped to let a street vendor pass and caught a whiff of the sausage grilling on board, beckoning him to indulge in a spicy, hot breakfast to go.

As he stood on that street corner smelling the sausage, feeling the slight breeze on his face and watching the sun dance on the rainwater, he suddenly noticed a large flock of pigeons soar overhead.

Then he heard a splat. And another splat. And another. Five splats in all. It took him a moment to realize that the splats had landed very close to him. So close, in fact, that they were on him: one on his shirt and four on his pants. Five pigeon splats all over his work clothes ... a half-hour before he was to give a major presentation.

The street vendor stopped pushing his cart and looked my husband up and down.

“That’s unfortunate,” he said.

“You think?” responded my husband. He stood staring at the multiple bird offenses on his clothing. This was not the first time he had been a victim of a pigeon hit-and-run, but it was certainly the biggest attack he had ever suffered. The issue, however, was not so much whether five pigeon poop hits constituted a world record, but how fast my husband could get cleaned up before his big meeting.

The vendor grabbed a wad of napkins and passed them to my husband, who did the best he could to remove the pigeon poop from his clothing.

“You know,” said the vendor. “They lars could be fun to check out long trails left behind by any exploding fireballs. Be sure to take a lawn chair or sleeping bag and a blanket or hot chocolate to keep warm -- yes, even in the summer -- as you gaze skyward.

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COPYRIGHT 2023 CREATORS.COM say it’s good luck to have a bird poop on you.”

“Really?” said my husband wryly.

So, it looks like you have five times the good luck.” The street vendor smiled encouragingly at my husband. My husband looked at his watch.

“What if the bird poops all over you 30 minutes before you have a major work presentation?” asked my husband as he futilely tried to eradicate the pigeon damage.

The vendor grinned. “Then it’s really good luck for the dry cleaners.”

Tracy Beckerman is the author of the Amazon Bestseller, “Barking at the Moon: A Story of Life, Love, and Kibble,” available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online! You can visit her at www. tracybeckerman.com.

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