15 minute read
Kink
Iowa’s small but mighty leather community wants to show you the ropes. BY MEGGIE GATES Kinkology U berkinky’s Periodic Table of Kinks has 151 blocks and is equally important as—if not more than, in my opinion—the Table of Elements. Various kinks are sorted into 12 categories, including torture, restraint, role play, butt stuff and vanilla. Everything from tickling to poop play is represented.
Mom, Dad, tread lightly with this one.
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Kinks—sexual desires attached to specific objects, acts or body parts that aren’t necessarily sexual in and of themselves—tend to be taboo at the dinner table, but they’re more common than you might think. The Journal of Sex Research found one in three people have experimented with paraphilia, or unusual sexual interests, at some point in their lives. A 2016 UK survey indicated as many as 75 percent of people harbor a fetish. Probably the most prevalent and certainly well-known kink is BDSM. The acronym is up for debate, but generally refers to erotic bondage, discipline, dominance/submission and sadomasochism. Riding crops, handcuffs, ball gags, harnesses and black leather garments are BDSM tools as well as part of the subculture’s aesthetic.
The organized kink/BDSM community in Iowa is small, but it exists. Iowa Leather Weekend, which takes place in October, is an all-out kinky bonanza, including a vendor market, entertainment pieces and a contest in which participants compete for four Iowa Leather titles: Ms., Mr., Bear and Pet. These titleholders go on to wave the leather pride flag (black-and-bluestriped, with one white stripe cutting the center and a red heart in the upper left corner) around the state, including at the Iowa City Pride Festival.
Bettie Rage, Ms. Iowa Leather 2020, has been in the scene for 20 years. Starting her journey in Minneapolis, she jumped feet first into the leather community after becoming fascinated with the power dynamics between submissive men and dominant women.
“When I was 21, I had a friend who brought me to a bar called Ground Zero in Minnesota, and on the weekends, they have a bondage and go-go night,” Rage said. “As soon as I walked in I had a man crawl up to me on his hands and knees and another man asked to kiss my boots. I was there every weekend after that.”
Becoming Ms. Iowa Leather is no joke. Contestants submit a resume and, if picked, undergo an audition before a panel of judges. The audition consists of a private interview with the judges, a speech, a question and a five-minute fantasy scene performed on stage.
For Boy Chris, the Mr. Iowa Leather 2020 titleholder, Leather Weekend is also a good way The list of domination-, pain- and restraint-related kinks is virtually endless, including such niche interests as cuckolding and “human furniture” (which is pretty much exactly what you think it is).
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to discover more about certain kinks. Educational panels present people an opportunity to learn safe sex practices in a welcoming environment. Because their kink can involve intricate skills, like knot-tying, and negotiated relationships, such as that between a dom and a sub, communication and consent are tanned into the leather of BDSM culture.
“We pull in people from all over to watch the contest, and we do educational things,” Chris said. “We educate on various kinks, promoting inclusivity. We want everyone to come—our trans boys, sisters, drag queens, twinks, bears and pups. The pet scene has really exploded so we want to be all-inclusive and welcoming.”
Pet play “is a subculture within our community that allows people to let go and feel comfortable in social scenes,” Chris explained. While people with a pet kink often get off on playing the role of a submissive puppy, including wearing a collar, leash or muzzle, others prefer to portray cats, or other animals “that capture their personality.”
The list of domination-, painand restraint-related kinks is virtually endless, including such niche interests as cuckolding and “human furniture” (which is pretty much exactly what you think it is). To signal which kink they’re into at meetups, people put various coded items, often colored handkerchiefs, in their back pocket. A red handkerchief indicates an interest in fisting, yellow for “water sports,” hunter green for daddy play, black for BDSM and so on and so forth. “There are plastic forks you can put in your back pocket— that just means you’re looking for dinner—and another is a sweatband which means you’re looking for wrasslin’ fun,” said Rage, explaining the most unique back-pocket tokens she’s seen. Rage understands how difficult it can be to overcome the fear of outing oneself as a BDSM enthusiast, particularly as a woman in a predominantly male scene. Before becoming Ms. Iowa Leather, she established a kink and coffee group at Smokey
UPCOMING EVENTS
TUE 02.04 Karaoke WED 02.12 TalkART
WED 02.05 TalkART THU 02.13 Ritmocano Album Release Show
THU 02.06 Mike Doughty
FRI 02.07 Exile Spotlight Series: The People Brothers Band & Armchair Boogie
SAT 02.08 WIRES Benefit for Australia Wildfires
MON 02.10 Open Mic with J. Knight
TUE 02.11 Karaoke
WED 02.12 Burlington Street Bluegrass Band FRI 02.14 Bawdy Bawdy Ha Ha’s Cheek to Cheek Burlesque!
SAT 02.15 RoM Theatre Prod.’s Variety Show Fundraiser
MON 02.17 Open Mic with J. Knight
TUE 02.18 UI Jazz Performances
TUE 02.18 Karaoke
FRI 02.21 Sad Iron Music + The Bernemann Brothers
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Row in Des Moines for female-identifying and nonbinary folk to have a safe space to talk all things kink without male-identifying people around.
“Running for title was important to me because there are so many spaces that are still men-only spaces [where] women and trans folks aren’t necessarily welcome,” she said. “I wanted to win this title to be a presence in the women’s community and to change things.” The Iowa Leather title family has recently broadened its outreach, offering monthly Think Kink classes at the Blazing Saddle in Des Moines, open to anyone 18 or older. Held on the second Tuesday of every month and spanning six months, the lessons are designed for both beginner and experienced kinksters. “The first one was consent and the next one [on Feb. 11] will be about impact play,” Chris explained. “In that topic it’s about, how do you do those things without hurting, and then teaching what consent you need to think about when using a cane to hit someone.”
Iowa Leather will also expand beyond Des Moines metro, hosting a Sash Bash at Studio 13 in Iowa City March 6-8, and an event in Waterloo at Kings and Queens Club the first weekend in April.
I felt very comfortable interviewing Rage and Chris, and told them so. As a closeted kinky queer, being sex-forward is something I crave but haven’t acted on, held back by trauma and boys who don’t respond to my 2 a.m. booty call. The Iowa Leather titleholders reassured me that the community is open to anyone, regardless of if they’re having sex or not. There’s no pressure to be anything in a place largely written off as “bad” or “perverted,” a few negative stereotypes unfairly hurled their way. Once you overcome what society has conditioned you to believe is bad, you start living.
“People have kinks. Gay, straight, nonbinary, whatever people want to identify as, they have kinks,” Chris said. “We just want to reach out and let people know they’re not alone. My title family is living our best lives and showing people you can have fun and still be an adult.”
Meggie Gates is a comedian and writer from Cedar Rapids, based in Chicago, Illinois. They write for the Chicago Reader, Consequence of Sound, Reductress and a variety of other places, including, of course, Little Village, located in their favorite city in the world. They enjoy comic books and hate sand between their toes.
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Sex & Love No Such Thing as Guilty Pleasure
Or, how I learned to stop worrying and write about anal play. BY NATALIE BENWAY T asked with picking a fun and fluffy topic for my pre-Valentine’s Day column, I sat down to write around 1,200 words on anal sex—and found myself lacking in motivation. Musings on plugs and pegging were soon overshadowed by news about bushfires, plane crashes and impeachment trials. How am I supposed to write a fun-filled article about butt sex in the midst of a Dumpster fire? I shared my dilemma with a sex-educator friend. “Maybe we need sex—anal and then some— now more than ever,” he said. Another friend, Cat Fribley, turned me on to the idea of pleasure activism, a term coined by Adrienne Maree Brown, author of Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good. Brown’s book combines essays, poetry and interviews from feminist writers and activists, including Audre Lorde, Octavia Butler, Joan Morgan and Sonya Renee Taylor. They argue that connecting with our own sense of physical gratification is central in challenging systems of oppression. Why shouldn’t our lives be focused on feeling good—even and especially when times are dark?
“We settle for suffering and self-negation because of oppression,” Brown writes. “Oppression makes us believe that pleasure is not something that we all have equal access to. One of the ways that we start doing the work of reclaiming our full selves—our whole liberated,
free selves—is by reclaiming our access to pleasure.”
She invites readers to participate in hot and heavy homework, including exercises in masturbation (Brown asks her readers to masturbate before, during and after reading her book), taking nude selfies and having consensual erotic experiences with freedom.”
I wanted to understand this idea of pleasure activism more, so, in addition to buying Brown’s book, I chatted with the friend who recommended it. Cat has been doing sex-positive advocacy and anti-sexual violence work both locally and nationally for the last 25 years. She
another person. A black woman, Brown writes that taking ownership of her body, self-actualizing her own pleasure, is in defiance of America’s history of slavery and persecution.
“Feeling good is not frivolous,” she asserts, “it is helped create a business plan and worked as an employee at Iowa City’s own feminist sex shop Ruby’s Pearl, which sadly closed in 2005. At Ruby’s, Cat helped people find space and words to talk about their sexuality. She reassured them that their desires
are normal and natural. She sold dildos and helped folks find the right vibrators (sometimes their first one). She discussed pleasure as something to be expected and deserved with customers who usually hear a very different message.
Cat engages in similar conversations these days, but with people trying to return to a sense of safety, normalcy, dignity and connection with their bodies after experiencing sexual violence. “Finding our way back to pleasure is one of the ways that we stay centered in a world we are building,” she said. “We have so many places where we have experienced harm, especially people of color, trans and queer folks and femmes. Those are the same folks who are doing the work to envision new and liberation-based ways forward.”
So, in the spirit of sexual liberation and frolicking the primrose path, let’s talk about anal play! Of course, not everyone enjoys incorporating the back door in their bedroom activities, but it’s an option that doesn’t always get the consideration it deserves, despite being rather common (around 40 percent of Americans have experimented with anal play by age 50). People hoping to dabble in butt stuff with a partner may not feel empowered to bring it up, and some who had negative experiences with anal play in the past—perhaps they rushed into it or were pressured by a partner— may have written it off.
But like sex in general, there’s a variety of ways to approach anal, and there are two key ingredients to ensuring a good time: communication and preparation. Anal play can also be a fun exercise in slower, deliberative, consent-driven sex. It may have a reputation for being kinky, but safe anal also requires relaxation, meditation, massage—in short, intimacy.
Anal play doesn’t just mean anal penetration; many folks experience pleasure from simply rubbing or licking the anus without any penetration at all. Rimming, also called analingus, is the act of using the mouth, lips or tongue on the rim or anal opening, where most of the nerve endings are.
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With butt stuff, the potential for pleasure is high, as is the potential for pain. The walls of the anal canal are thinner than those of the vagina, and it doesn’t self-lubricate. Move slow and communicate your needs with your partner, breathe and, for the love of God, use lube. A silicon-based lubricant is recommended for anal sex.
If you’re feeling tense, physically or emotionally, slow down. And remember that arousal makes everything easier—and more fun!—so incorporating masturbation into your anal play can help prepare the muscles and relieve some tension. Starting with a finger, or using a sex toy like a slim butt plug or vibrator, can be a great way to enjoy anal pleasure or to warm up for a penis or larger dildo. One thing that’s important to remember is that any toy you insert into your butt must have a base that’s wider than the rest of the toy, so part of the toy always stays outside your body. This is essential to make sure the toy doesn’t get lost up your rectum. You want to avoid that trip to the emergency room! If you have a prostate, congratulations— anal sex can be very fun for you. If you do not have a prostate, well, you still have all those touchy anal nerves. Penetrative anal can still be a good time without the added bonus of prostate stimulation, providing a unique feeling of fullness, and perhaps even internal clitoral stimulation.
Don’t forget your condoms. STIs, particularly HIV, are easily transmitted through anal sex. If you like anal a lot, and have it regularly, you might even consider PrEP, a daily drug that can reduce your risk of contracting HIV.
Of course, before any of this happens, you have to make the decision to try anal with your partner(s). In a healthy relationship, this conversation shouldn’t be too difficult—it may even be hot. Preferences about butt stuff can be incorporated in broader negotiations about your sexual checklist. What’s on the menu, and what isn’t? If someone wants to add something to the menu, how do we go about testing it? Consent is sexy, folks.
Natalie Benway LISW is a psychotherapist in private practice in Coralville. She has a certification in sexuality studies from the University of Iowa and is currently pursuing additional licensure with the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
The Chieftains The Irish Goodbye Wednesday, March 4, 7:30 pm The Chieftains The Irish Goodbye Wednesday, March 4, 7:30 pm
$10 STUDENT TICKETS
One of Ireland’s most treasured musical ensembles, The Chieftains are six-time Grammy winners and incomparable instrumentalists and innovators who honor and extend the breadth and depth of traditional Irish music. The band’s tour of the United States will feature the breathtaking virtuosity for which the group is known. Join us for a trip to the Emerald Isle just in time for St. Patrick’s Day. One of Ireland’s most treasured musical ensembles, The Chieftains are six-time Grammy winners and incomparable instrumentalists and innovators who honor and extend the breadth and depth of traditional Irish music. The band’s tour of the United States will feature the breathtaking virtuosity for which the group is known. Join us for a trip to the Emerald Isle just in time for St. Patrick’s Day.
TICKETS: ADULT: $65 | $55 | $45 COLLEGE STUDENT: $58 | $10 YOUTH: $32 | $10 TICKETS: ADULT: $65 | $55 | $45 COLLEGE STUDENT: $58 | $10 YOUTH: $32 | $10
Order online hancher.uiowa.edu Call (319) 335-1160 or 800-HANCHER Accessibility Services (319) 335-1158 Order online hancher.uiowa.edu Call (319) 335-1160 or 800-HANCHER Accessibility Services (319) 335-1158
EVENT SPONSORS: Lee and Kazi Alward Nancy Andreasen and Terry Gwinn Deborah K. and Ian E. Bullion GreenState Credit Union Casey D. Mahon Gary and Nancy Pacha David and Noreen Revier Tallgrass Business Resources EVENT SPONSORS: Lee and Kazi Alward Nancy Andreasen and Terry Gwinn Deborah K. and Ian E. Bullion GreenState Credit Union Casey D. Mahon Gary and Nancy Pacha David and Noreen Revier Tallgrass Business Resources
