Dear Kiki

from Little Village magazine issue 301: Dec. 2021

Photo review

Dear Kiki,

My husband’s grandmother, who I have a great relationship with, is very susceptible to sharing fake news she finds on the internet. Fortunately it’s not usually anything too politically divisive—in her case it’s more often to be bunk science, misattributed historical quotes, etc.

The problem I find myself in is that I want to honor her attempts to connect with me when she sends me messages with this content, but it’s difficult for me to figure out what to say because what she’s sharing with me is often so obviously fake. Should I try to educate her when she sends me content that’s BS? Is ignorance bliss so long as it’s (relatively) harmless?

––Abraham Lincoln

Dear Abe,

It’s wonderful that you and your husband’s grandmother have what you call “a great relationship.” Those can be hard to come by later in life, as friends start to become distant or pass away. You don’t say how old your husband’s grandmother is, but if not just her children but her grandchildren are old enough to have moved on to lives of their own, she may be lacking in connection.

Ignorance is not bliss, but neither are loneliness or hostility. Connecting deeply with someone of another generation can sometimes be challenging, but you’re right to try. However, you may not be going about it the right way. You say she reaches out to you with this “bunk science,” etc. What did you last reach out to her about?

The best way to honor her attempts to connect with you is to attempt to connect with her—not just by responding to her outreach, but by initiating your own. What movies and books can you discuss with her? Who are her favorite artists or sports teams? Can you take her shopping or visit her for tea?

Evolving your conversation and connection past fake news benefits both of you, and your relationship with each other, in multiple ways. First, if you have other things to discuss, these things that make you uncomfortable will come up far less often. You can, if you want, simply ignore them and allow her that ignorance.

But more importantly, if your communication involves more than just BS, you can call her out on the BS, without feeling like you’re disrespecting her. If that type of content is only a fraction of your interactions, you can correct her or otherwise educate her without that being all your conversation ever boils down to.

Abe, you might find out that she’s only sending you these things because she thinks

you appreciate or believe them. Or you may end up saving her from falling further down the rabbit hole, past misattributed quotes into the more dangerous misinformation. And you might just find a truly valuable friendship that benefits both of you in ways you can’t even predict.

Ultimately, her status as your husband’s grandmother only matters inasmuch as it’s why you value the relationship. Grandmother is a role, not an identity. This may be self-evident and I don’t mean to be glib, but she is a whole person who should be treated as such. Don’t let her age confuse your obligation to treat others with dignity. Don’t coddle her or be didactic; just treat her as you would anyone whose friendship you value.

IGNOrANcE IS NOT bLISS, bUT NEITHEr ArE LONELINESS Or HOSTILITY. cONNEcTING DEEPLY WITH SOmEONE OF ANOTHEr GENErATION cAN SOmETImES bE cHALLENGING, bUT YOU’rE rIGHT TO TrY.

xoxo, Kiki