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Dear Kiki,

I am a married male (42) to a female (46). We were married five years ago. My wife was a package deal, and she came with a wonderful daughter (now 9). I have raised her daughter as my own for the last six+ years. I love being a dad. The biological father has addiction issues, floats in and out, and even when present has very limited supervised visits. She has been disappointed by him numerous times, but I am always a consistent, reliable father figure for her.

My wife and I have become more like friends without intimacy. I would prefer sex every other day. I am given obligatory sex once a month. I should probably add we had enthusiastic sex multiple times per day, nearly everyday while dating. As soon as we were married, it abruptly changed to once per month. I vastly improved my wife’s financial security. So, I can’t help but wonder if I was consciously or subconsciously given shoulders. Even if she doesn’t figure it out now, later in life she will. And it will be awful for her.

So what can you do then? The first step is going to be active listening. You say your wife is “just not interested in sex anymore.” Has she told you why? You’re rightly concerned about your own happiness, but I don’t see you seeking out solutions that are mutually beneficial. Have there been other conflicts between you, besides the lack of sex? Have you seen shifts in her personality? She could be experiencing depression, menopause, stress from work or any number of different factors that decreased her desire.

You say you and she are “more like friends without intimacy”—but it seems like, in your frustration, you’re not acting like much of a friend. If you show concern and approach it as a problem to solve together, rather than something she needs to change about herself to make your the bait and switch.

We have discussed the lack of sex at length, and she is just not interested in sex anymore. I explained that the lack of physical intimacy was severely affecting my happiness and self esteem. I asked for an open relationship. She was appalled and denied my request. She has no interest in therapy, nor do I want a therapist to convince her to have sex with me. If we were to divorce, I believe she would severely limit my contact with our stepdaughter.

I believe these are my options: 1) cheating 2) divorcing and blowing up my stepdaughter’s life 3) putting my happiness on hold for nine years when she moves off to college. What would you suggest?

—No Good Options

Dear Options, What a tricky situation! Kudos to you for giving every possibility the thought it deserves.

I’ll start with the default advice in this situation, the thing you probably already know, but just don’t want to know: Divorce is rough on kids, but it is almost always easier on them than living with parents who are at odds. Staying together “for the kids” isn’t just ineffective, it’s putting your lack of happiness on a child’s life better, you might start seeing more progress. If you believe you’ve made all the attempts you’re capable of to light the fires again, then we’re back to your initial conundrum. Let’s pick apart the options you list one by one:

1. Cheating

Your wife doesn’t want to open your relationship. But that’s only one version of consensual nonmonogamy. Try to get to the heart of why

Cont. >> on pg. 68 this option bothers her. Is she afraid of losing you emotionally? Maybe getting what you need professionally (ahem), rather than starting a new relationship with someone, will ease her fears. Does she think it will wedge the two of you even further apart? See if she’d like to experiment with swinging, something you could do together as a couple. Is she worried about old-fashioned notions of social propriety? Establish a plan to keep things discreet.

2. Divorcing and blowing up [your] stepdaughter’s life

If you truly believe your wife would act vindictively and against her child’s best interests to keep you from maintaining that relationship, then before you look at divorce, look at adoption. You may be able to be declared a legal parent, which would give you more rights down the road. Also, remember: a 9-year-old has some agency and awareness. If she wants to see you, she’ll find you again when she can. But even with the most hostile parents, divorce doesn’t have to blow up a kid’s life. There are resources out there to help kids (and parents) deal with that transition.

3. Putting [your] happiness on hold for nine years

Really? “On hold”? There’s nothing else in life that makes you happy, that brings you joy, besides sex? Sublimating one’s desires is not aspirational or healthy, of course. But as fun as sex can be, many people live long, happy, fulfilling lives without it, by choice or by circumstance. Take some time to think of the ways you can invite joy into your life without physical intimacy. And once you’ve found some, see if your wife would want to enjoy those things with you. What you might find is a path to a different kind of intimacy than physical, and a way to enjoy your years together without too much resentment. You might even find that it brings you close enough together that your physical intimacy returns over time. But mostly, you’ll have figured out a way to happiness for yourself that doesn’t necessarily require other people. And that’s the greatest gift any of us can give to the world or to our partners.

Those three paths you see are not the only ones forward, and each one presents several branchings and possibilities. You’re not down for the count just yet. xoxo, Kiki