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Thanks to our supporters: • Lauren Goetze • Anonymous 48 June 2022 LITTLEVILLAGEMAG.COM/LVDSM3
DEAR KIKI
LittleVillageMag.com/DearKiki
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ear Kiki, I love my children with all my being, I love who they are and I will love whoever they become. But I struggle with loving the parts of them that remind me of their father who I still carry painful memories of. We are divorced and have been since they were very young. He is part of them just like I am, but sometimes it is difficult to reconcile with children who are like him in so many ways. Sometimes just the tone of their voices will
curve of an eyebrow, isn’t it? If they are talking down to you or being dismissive or similar, that’s not just a memory trigger, it’s a bad habit that will come back to bite them later in life. Remember, in the funny dance between nature and nurture, there are things that are not set in stone, but rather tendencies that we can be taught to turn from. You can help them become better versions of themselves (and of him). Allowing yourself that agency may help you accept the things IN THE FUNNY DANCE BETWEEN NATURE AND you can’t change. NURTURE, THERE ARE THINGS THAT ARE NOT SET IN Because, STONE, BUT RATHER TENDENCIES THAT WE CAN BE Triggering, TAUGHT TO TURN FROM. YOU CAN HELP THEM BECOME when it’s a case of, BETTER VERSIONS OF THEMSELVES (AND OF HIM). “That’s the same vein bring up bad memories of our marriage which that throbs in his forehead when he gets angry!” was at times very unpleasant and even frighten- you really do just have to stand down. One helpful trick is to remember that there ing due to mistreatment. I know I’m not alone and many divorced parents probably struggle are probably traits that they’ve inherited from with this. I know the answer is to simply love you that are triggering to your ex! Whether that them but I wasn’t prepared to feel so triggered evinces commiseration or schadenfreude is up during the times he surfaces. Do you have any to you, Triggering—but either way, it’s better than carrying that weight on your own. advice about how to manage these feelings? You can also get yourself through in the moThank you, Triggering Traits ment by making a mantra of cataloging the other influences on their genetics. Is that your dimple in their cheek? Your mother’s way of breathing ear Triggering, Ahhh, this one hits ol’ Kiki just like through the nose in frustration? Consciously an arrow to the knee! Those remind- look for these other familiarities, and the trigers take us by surprise sometimes, don’t they? gering traits won’t have as much sway. You’re A turn of phrase here, a curl of the lip there … managing genuine trauma, here: Establishing a And, go figure!, they often seem to be most ob- routine and a plan for dealing with it can go a vious when you’re in conflict with those charm- long way to making sure it doesn’t take over ing li’l chips off the old block, don’t they? It your life. xoxo, Kiki can feel downright re-traumatizing, and you need to let yourself understand, deeply and truly, that it isn’t at all fair to you. You do not deserve that shit. But you know who else it’s not at all fair to, Triggering? Them. I know you know that. Your concern for them is present in every word you type! But it’s important to be reminded, and reminded, and reminded again: They didn’t choose their parentage; they didn’t choose which traits they inherSubmit questions anonymously ited from which parent. They’re just stumbling at littlevillagemag.com/dearkiki along through existence looking for guidance. or non-anonymously to So your first step is to take a breath and ask, dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com. do they need any guidance here? That can help Questions may be edited for clarity and you dissect your own reaction and focus on length, and may appear either in print or what’s important. For example, you mention online at littlevillagemag.com. tone of voice: That’s a bit different than the
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KIKI WANTS QUESTIONS!
