I am Not Strong By choice

BY TErI UNDErhILL

In the summer of 2022, I went with my hālau (hula group) to the Big Island of Hawai’i. During this trip, we chanted, danced, hiked, cried, laughed and more. We went to the top of Mauna Kea for the sunrise, celebrated the full moon of Hina (Goddess of the Moon), was taught hula by my kumu’s (teacher’s) aunty, and so much more, all in one week.

Our last night together, June 14, was a night of many celebrations. Wedding celebrations, anniversaries and birthdays we all celebrated under the full moon. We celebrated through hula, bellydance, song, poetry, storytelling and the four directions (an Aztec ritual led by two Mexicans in our group). At the end of our four directions, we hugged one another, shook hands and told each other how much we appreciated one another. One of my hālau’s family member’s looked me in the eyes, held my arm and told me, “You are stronger than you think” and hugged me tightly. I have been told I’m strong by many people in my personal life, but from this journey it hit me differently.

I have tried feeling strong, coming from many mana wahine (strong women). I have come from women who have gone through abuse and have lived through it and to tell their reflections. I have seen history repeat itself through my cousins and yet every wahine in my family is very outspoken, honest and strong. Why do I not feel the same as I view them?

In my 22 years of life, I have gone through verbal, physical and sexual abuse mostly from my childhood that has impacted me greatly. I have seen the other side of suicide to where I live mindfully now. I am just as outspoken and honest about my life as someone that is mixed, queer, fat and traumatized. Why do I not feel strong?

I’ve come to realize I am not strong by choice. I have no other option but to keep going, pushforward and be “strong.” I have spent my adolescence hurting deeply. I would bruise myself, starve myself, be mean to myself and be delusional to believe that “everyone hates me so I must hate myself first.” I have spent a decade of my life, which at the moment is the majority of my life, in pain that I caused myself because I believed that was what I deserved.

At some point, you grow tired of the pain. It wasn’t until I graduated high school I started to spend some time befriending myself. While I may not be besties with myself, I allow myself to understand my needs and boundaries and respect them. I’ve found hearing myself and my needs is what I deserve. If no one else will listen, I still deserve to listen to myself.

This turning point came after my first relationship when I was 17 years old. I was in an emotionally abusive, on and off, relationship with a classmate for six months of my senior year. Through this senior year, I attempted suicide and

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