DEAR KIKI
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ear Kiki, I have a really good friend who has been trying for over a year to get pregnant and is really frustrated that it’s taking so long. She confides in me and I offer what emotional support I can without proffering unsolicited advice, and I’m glad she trusts me. She’s sick of people giving her advice and is kind of losing hope. Problem is, I just found out that I’m pregnant after trying for only a month.
you to have your child, and if she eventually has one as well, you’ll learn the wisdom of the axiom that “it takes a village”—having just one person to rely on, no matter how wonderful they are, will likely be insufficient, and it will serve you both well to have broadened your base of support. Remember, Embarazada, that you can’t control your friend’s feelings. This is frankly a damned good lesson for you to be learning as you prepare to be a first-time parent. You will hurt her feelings, just as you will find that things outside your control STEEL YOURSELF. IT’S NOT FUN, cause your child to be unfathomably upset. Steel yourself. It’s not fun, but BUT IT’S NECESSARY. ALL YOU it’s necessary. All you can do is monCAN DO IS MONITOR YOUR itor your intentions and be there when INTENTIONS AND BE THERE WHEN they’re ready to turn to you. It sucks to hear, but she likely will THEY’RE READY TO TURN TO YOU. feel bitterness, jealousy and resentment. That’s her burden to bear, and the worst thing you can do is make her feel worse about it by centering your feelings on the matter. Sometimes, life just gets I was assuming it would take longer and was in the way. It’s not a matter of “fault” on the part surprised it happened “first try,” as it were. I’m of either of you, but it’s real and better faced than really nervous to tell her because I don’t want avoided. Just be honest with her, Embarazada. her to feel any bitterness, jealousy or resentment Honesty and patience are what will salvage this about it. I don’t want this to affect our friendfriendship, not caution and attempts at perfecship. Since I’m still early on, I haven’t told anytion. And remember too, pragmatically, that the one except for my boyfriend and a couple really further along you get in your pregnancy, the more old friends from school. But when the time comes your emotions will be heightened—so don’t wait for me to break the news, I’m really afraid of intoo long to tell her. Do it soon, take it seriously advertently hurting her feelings. How should I and don’t make her reactions about you. Let her handle this? experience the full range of her feelings about —Embarazada this. Attempting to manage her emotions is in the same category as giving her advice: to be avoidear Embarazada, ed. xoxo, Kiki While it’s valuable and kind that you’re concerned about your friend’s feelings, you may have stumbled upon a no-win scenario here. It seems highly unlikely that, given the circumstances, you’ll remain her confidant once she knows you’re expecting: Not because of anything you’ve done, but simply because watching your belly grow may be too triggering for her. She can’t be expected to feign excitement through her sadness any more than you should be expected to dampen your excitement. That doesn’t mean you should give up on this relationship. On the contrary, perhaps you can Submit questions anonymously prime some mutual acquaintances to step into the at littlevillagemag.com/dearkiki gap that you will be leaving. You seem to have a or non-anonymously to distinct ability to understand her need for support dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com. without advice, and if you can help someone else Questions may be edited for clarity and truly come to that understanding as well, they length, and may appear either in print or might be able to take your place, so to speak. online at littlevillagemag.com. Because, Embarazada, when the time comes for
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KIKI WANTS QUESTIONS!
