Dr. Donald L. Pratt is retired and has spent the last dozen years developing the FIT program and curriculum. Part of the curriculum uses Living Free materials and part uses materials developed specifically for the FIT program. As well as being an author and contributing to periodicals and international journals, Don also taught in a Christian college and state universities. He also served as Executive Director of the School Science and Mathematics Association and President of the Pennsylvania Science Teachers Association.
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The Road to Hope, Faith, and Freedom
Marriage and Dating
Dedication
This work is dedicated to the countless “unsung heroes” who have a love for God and show it in the most unselfish ways. They are “behind the scenes” people who work hard and scoff at the idea of needing recognition.
I would like to thank Glory, Robin, and Marlyn for their review of the lessons as they were being developed. Special thanks go to Glory who cofacilitated with me all through the pilot sessions. The participants from the Thursday Night Recently Released program where the pilot was conducted also helped. This group included mature Christians whose feedback guided some of the content of this group guide. This feedback was even more valuable as expressed in the notes to facilitators in the accompanying facilitator guide of this unit.
I would like to thank members of the board for their support. Without it, this program would have never made it off the ground. Appreciation goes to my son, Paul, for designing the cover. Also, I appreciate the support of my Lead Pastor, Don Carter, under whom I serve as Care Pastor. Last, but not least, I am grateful to Elva Hoover for her assistance in proofing this book. – Donald L. Pratt, 2010
This course was revised in 2016 and more credits are due. Much credit goes to Ellie Larson, who co-facilitated the field-testing of this edition, served as technical editor, and offered valuable input throughout for both content and the much improved format. Also providing input were the residents of Learn to Fish residential center and members of the Character Development program in Bradenton, FL. My son Paul Pratt is responsible for the new cover photo. – Donald L. Pratt, 2016
Getting Started
Group Size
We suggest that each group have two group leaders (facilitators) and a maximum of 12 participants. Having more than 12 may prevent some from being a part of much-needed discussion.
Preparation Time
The facilitator’s material is written in an almost word-for-word dialogue. However, it is hoped that as you come to know and understand the concepts presented, you will be able to “personalize” each session to better fit your own style. Highlight the points you want to emphasize and make notes for yourself.
Your group is unique—so adapt questions to their needs and situations. Be sensitive to each person who is in your group.
Keep in mind that the answers provided in the leader’s guide for the discussion questions are there only as a tool to assist you and may not be the only “right” answers to the questions being asked.
Become thoroughly familiar with the five elements of each session:
• Introduction
• Self-Awareness
• Spiritual Awareness
• Application
• True/False Quiz
You will find more detail about these on the following page.
The facilitators should meet prior to each session to pray and make final plans. They should also meet briefly after each session to discuss what happened during the meeting and go over any follow-up that may be needed.
Group Member Guides
Before Session 1, the Group Member Guides should be distributed to each group member. Facilitators should be thoroughly familiar with the material before the first meeting.
Encourage group members to complete the appropriate assignments prior to each group meeting. Through the readings and other exercises in the group member guide, group members can come to each session better prepared for meaningful discussion.
Correlation Between Facilitator’s Guide and Group Member’s Guide
Facilitator’s Guide
This guide is designed to lead the group through the four-phase, small group format. The facilitator’s responsibility is to start the discussion, give it direction, and thereafter simply keep the discussion personal and on track.
Shaded areas contain tips and pointers for leading the group along with answers to questions. The facilitator will prayerfully present select questions because there are usually more questions than time permits.
Group Member’s Guide
This guide is designed to be done as homework preparing the participant for meaningful ministry during the small group session. Although the general text is the same as Self-Awareness, Spiritual Awareness, and Application in the Facilitator’s Guide, concentration should be on the group process during the actual group experience.
It is good for the participant to bring the Group Member’s Guide to the group session; however, the participant should be more attentive to the group process rather than trying to find text or written answers in the Group Member’s Guide. Each group member should bring a Bible for meaningful study and application of God’s Word for daily living.
In a Nutshell — The Facilitator’s Guide is designed to lead the group process. The Group Member’s Guide will prepare the participant for the group meeting.
Suggested Group Format
The group format for each session consists of five elements: Introduction, Self-Awareness, Spiritual Awareness, Application and True/False Quiz. There is a reason for each phase. The facilitators should always plan each session with this format in mind.
Part I: Introduction
(10 minutes)
Begin with prayer. The facilitator may pray or may ask one of the group members to lead in prayer. After the prayer, a sharing question helps put the group at ease and makes the members more comfortable in being a part of the discussion. The lead facilitator should respond to the sharing question first, followed by the co-facilitator. This helps the group members to feel safer in participating in the exercise. After the facilitators have shared, the group members will share one after another around the circle. Always remind group members they are not expected to share if they do not wish to do so. The rule is that everyone works within his or her comfort level and is welcome to pass.
This is not the time for detailed conversation, so ask the members of the group to keep their comments brief. If a person is obviously in pain during the exercise, the facilitator should interrupt the sharing and pray for the person in pain. After prayer, the exercise may resume.
Part II: Self-Awareness
(20-25 minutes)
After the sharing question, the facilitator will lead the group into the Self-Awareness phase. SelfAwareness is a time to discuss the practical issues involved in Facing Fear. It is important to stay on the subject matter. This is a time to focus on needs and healing, not to have a martyr or pity party.
It is suggested in Self-Awareness that the facilitators ask the group members to share as they wish rather than going around the circle as in the Introduction phase. This is because people are at various comfort levels, and they should not feel pressured to self-disclose if they are uncomfortable. As the group continues to meet, members will feel more and more comfortable in being a part of the discussion.
Remember, prayer is always in order. If a group member is hurting during this phase, stop and pray. One of the facilitators may lead in prayer or ask another group member to pray. This says to the group members that each one is important and that you care about each individual.
Part III: Spiritual Awareness
(20-25 minutes)
After the Self-Awareness phase, the facilitator will lead the group into the Bible study time. Having briefly explained the topic, the facilitator should assign Scriptures listed in the Facilitator’s Guide to group members. When each Scripture is called by the facilitator, the group member should read the verse(s). After the verses are read, give time for discussion.
Part IV: Application
(20 minutes)
This part is actually a continuation of Part III. Ask for volunteers to share their reflections on the question. The facilitators should emphasize the importance of the group members’ applying biblical principles to their lives. Help begins with right thinking. The Bible says, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). Obedience to the Word should follow with right behavior. Right feelings will follow right thinking and right behavior.
Part V: True/False Quiz
(10 minutes)
Don’t forget the true/false quiz. It is not stressful at all. It is a group discussion quiz that only takes a few moments. You are not graded on it and you don’t have to memorize anything. It is a fun activity to see how much you learned and to compare notes with others. In some cases, the answer may be either true or false depending on the situation. The group will help you figure that out.
DATING AND MARRIAGE
Our Sexuality Influences our Relationships
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
Sharing Question
Why do we start this unit with a discussion of sex? We do so because we need to be masters of our sexual drives and identities and not be victims of them. Failing to take control of our emotions and drives will weaken our relationships in the long run. Instead, our ultimate goal should be to establish meaningful and healthy relationships. There are too many broken marriages and failed relationships because people have let their immediate impulses and desires take over. Healthy planning for the future is replaced with wishful thinking. Relationships need to be developed on many levels. The sexual level is just one of them. If it is entered into first, it will cloud the other dimensions of relationship.
Everyone knows that the sex drive and the desire for intimacy are very strong. You cannot even go the grocery store without seeing glamorized sexual images all over the covers of magazines in the checkout line. You would be led to believe that nearly all our existence revolves around sex. It does not, however, and we can easily get sidetracked by a culture that makes sex such a common and separated part of the equation of living.
There are whole books and courses on nothing but the subject of sex, and we are just going to have one lesson on it! We will not solve all the related problems or see all the ramifications in this short time, but we will think of and discuss ways that we can have relationships that are not based solely on sex.
Sexual Identity
Genesis 1: 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (NIV)
God has created us male and female. Before we can relate well to the opposite sex, we need to understand our own role as male or female. Sometimes this comes easily; other times it does not. A daughter born into a family that constantly reminds her that it wished she were a boy may have trouble identifying with her role and value as a female. A boy mistreated by his father may react in ways that are destructive to good development as a fulfilled male. In my case, I did not much enjoy being around adult males as a teenager
because most of the men I knew seemed distant and cold. When I found through reading the Bible that a true gentleman’s strength is related to his maturity in caring and purpose, and not in selfish disregard, I thought to myself “Wow! I can go with that.” I have had no problem with my maleness since then.
Discussion Question
How might struggles with our own sexual identity interfere with forming relationships with the opposite sex?
We need to be comfortable with our own gender before we can be a good partner to someone of the opposite sex.
Give an example of how you have matured in your thinking in this regard.
Wait for responses as this type of question will require a time of reflection before an answer can be given. Most people have never asked themselves a question like this before. Do not be judgmental. Just let group members express themselves, then move on. This can be a rich and freeing discussion if you are patient.
Sometimes people carry sexual identity too far. They say that “men are from Mars and women are from Venus.” We all know what they are talking about and often laugh about the differences, but ultimately we are more alike than different. We both have the same 2 sets of 23 chromosomes, like ribs, except males have only one X sex chromosome while females have two. That is it. We have a lot more in common than we have differences. A woman can give a man a kidney transplant. A man can give blood to a woman.
Here lies the problem. We are in for trouble if we enter into dating and marriage, the closest and most intimate of human relationships, with the idea that we are so different that we cannot relate. If there cannot be agreement on how the money is earned and spent or how the children will be raised and disciplined, there will be some rough sledding ahead, indeed.
Discussion Question
Why is it so important to be able to relate to members of the opposite sex in nonsexual ways?
Many people in our culture do not know how to relate to persons of the opposite sex in nonsexual ways. Daily interaction between husbands and wives is mostly non-sexual, and sexual experience is the least important indicator that the relationship will last. Apart from that, we need to effectively communicate and work with members of both sexes in the course of daily living.
Sexual Behavior
Current culture tells us little about how to control our sexuality and even suggests that something is wrong with us if we wait until marriage. The Bible and teachings of Jesus are at odds with this philosophy.
Is sexual activity good or bad? That is like asking “is gasoline good or bad?” Gasoline is good if it is put in the gas tank of the car to make the car go, but it is bad if left around for children to play with. Also, it is not a good idea to use it to start a fire in a grill. Like gasoline, sex is powerful and good under the right circumstances, but it can also hurt you.
Discussion Exercise
Discuss some of the damaging effects of having sexual relations before marriage.
It causes guilt and short-circuits development of relationship on other levels. It cheapens the uniqueness of the expression in marriage and may delay or discourage the commitment of marriage. It may not lead to marriage as might be expected.
Sexual Sacredness
The Bible has multiple references to the sacredness of the sexual bond in marriage. It is something that goes far beyond a simple physical act. In the New Testament, the book of Revelation speaks of the “marriage supper of the Lamb” where Christ will be united with his bride – the Church. The Old Testament prophets continually spoke of God’s disappointment in their failure to be intimately committed to Him and Him alone. The example given over and over is that of a committed husband but an unfaithful wife. There is an entire book in the Bible on this theme, written by the prophet Hosea. In fact, the Bible consistently points out the seriousness of unfaithfulness as well as the beauty of an expression which is intimate, special, and based on unswerving devotion and attention.
In today’s culture, immediate gratification without price or attachment often wins out over waiting until the emotional ties and commitments have been mutually entered into (marriage). How sad.
There is hope available for those who have wasted parts of their lives as a result of sexual indiscretions. Just as God showed anger over the unfaithfulness of His people and they were punished for it, you will notice that there was always a “silver lining” at the end. God gave the rainbow to show that there would be a better day and the anguish of the bad times could be forgotten if the past would teach us something so that we could move on.
It is important and healthy for dating couples to wait for sexual expression until marriage. The ideal is that of the pure “virgin”, but is there hope for people with a tainted past? Yes! There is the concept of “secondary virginity.” It is consistent with the Christian teaching to “go and sin no more” (and be restored!).
Discussion Exercise
Discuss some of the advantages of waiting until marriage.
You can use your time together to learn more about each other and relate in nonsexual ways. You will not have to deal with pregnancy. It will make your wedding and honeymoon even more special. Encourage personal responses and let the group answer this question themselves. Listen carefully to see where group members are in their thinking and as indicator of how effective the lesson has been.
SPIRITUAL-AWARENESS ALLOW MINUTES 25
In the space provided, write your own thoughts about what the verses below mean and how each applies to you and the lesson. Be prepared to share in class. Your answers are important. They represent what we want to know – your thinking. They will help make our discussion group to be a success.
1 Corinthians 10: 8 We should not commit sexual immorality, as some of them did (God’s people in the time of Moses) -- and in one day twenty-three thousand of them died. (NIV)
Being sexually pure is serious business to God.
1 Corinthians 6: 18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. (NIV)
You cannot escape the bad consequences of having illicit sex. You can get venereal disease, AIDS, and even die.
1 Corinthians 6: 9-10 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. (NIV)
The sexual bond is important in marriage, but its perversion outside marriage is in the same category as other gross sins.
1 Corinthians 6: 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! (NIV)
Both the Old and New Testaments equate the sexual union with the spiritual union of two people. In a sense, the two become married in the eyes of God when they join sexually. This does not mean that you are married just because you have had sex with someone.
1 Corinthians 6: 11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (NIV)
Some of God’s most beautiful people came from a past history of gross misconduct. They have been cleansed, forgiven, and are now living wonderful lives in Christ. The change is so great that people observing the pure lives of those who have been transformed would be shocked if told about their past. They are shining and beautiful in their current life. The old has been turned from and forgotten.
APPLICATION ALLOW MINUTES 25
Finally, we will discuss the consequences of sex gone wrong and sex done right. That should help us put this issue in proper perspective. We should step back and think about what God would have us do or change in our lives.
Discussion
For each of the following negative consequences of unrestrained sex, give an example of someone you know who has fallen into this misfortune. Do not name the person when you share with the group.
This is truly a group discussion exercise. Wait for the first responses. It will take a little time for the first person to think of an answer and gather the courage to speak out. You will be rewarded if you are patient. Be sure you listen very carefully and do not dominate the discussion yourself or move on too quickly. Try to have someone give an example for each of the points. This exercise is one of the key objectives of the lesson: getting group members to think out the dangers of sex without commitment. By observing the responses, you will be able to tell if your group members are “getting it” or not.
Sex Offender
Disease
Unstable Families
Murder
Divorce
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group.
1. We should hold off having sexual relations before marriage because…
A: False, B: True, C: True, D: True
T or F a. God does not want us to have any fun.
T or F b. it has powerful negative implications.
T or F c. our main goal is healthy and wholesome relationships.
T or F d. God wants it to be only in marriage.
2. Because men and women are so different…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: False
T or F a. they should not even try to understand each other.
T or F b. they should only associate with members of their own sex.
T or F c. identity with their own sex is unimportant.
T or F d. the only way they can relate to each other is sexually.
3. Good personal sexual identity…
A: False, B: True, C: True, D: True
T or F a. does not have anything to do with how we relate to the opposite sex.
T or F b. helps us relate better to both men and women.
T or F c. helps us be content with our role and God’s purpose for our life.
T or F d. is important in developing meaningful relationships with the opposite sex.
4. According to this lesson, living together before marriage or “trial marriage”…
A: False, B: False, C: True, D: True
T or F a. is the best way for you to see if you are compatible with another person.
T or F b. will ensure a successful legal or church marriage.
T or F c. flies in the face of the commitment of marriage.
T or F d. is bad because it separates intimacy from commitment.
5. According to the Bible…
A: False, B: True, C: True, D: True, E: False
T or F a. You can never be forgiven for a sexual sin.
T or F b. Premarital sex is wrong.
T or F c. Sexual relations outside of marriage is wrong.
T or F d. People with a rough past can have a bright future.
T or F e. None of the early believers had a rough past.
Love
When is it Love?
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
We hope you really got into some lively discussion in the previous lesson and enjoyed it! If you did, get ready to go again. You will really enjoy this lesson, especially if you do your homework, write down your thoughts, and share with the group. As always, you do not have to say anything, but we know you will as you come to feel more a part of the group. Then you will share because you want to.
By now you should be more aware of the awesomeness, beauty, and stability that godly relationships offer. We will now enter into the subject of love with its practical implications of dealing with imperfect partners.
Love at First Sight
It would be very romantic and make life much simpler if all we had to do was to immediately fall in love with the perfect person God has for us and live forever after in a constant state of bliss. Some people seem to have a new “sighting” every week. Others claim to “fall in love” with another person almost daily. This is probably something other than love. Maybe it is more about falling in love with the idea of love than with a person. Love usually develops over time. It certainly is fluid and not static. It also includes how we handle dealing with another imperfect person.
What we call love at first sight may actually be something else. It could be physical attraction. It could be lust, immaturity, inexperience, gullibility, or a craving to be chosen and loved. Love of this kind can be blind and not “see” the obvious warning signals that others plainly see. When it comes to love, be careful that the love you have is the real thing.
Discussion Question
Give an example of someone you know who ruined his/her life by entering into dating situations and marriage too soon. Do not name the person.
Expect a delayed response at this question as people need time to think about this and gather enough courage to speak out. Nearly everyone can answer this question, and it is far more effective and convincing for participants to “discover” this for themselves than to be told about it by someone else. Do not underestimate the good that this discussion can have and allow sufficient time for responses.
How was this person blinded by the relationship?
Sometimes this question will be answered as part of the previous one, but still ask for elaboration. Explain that these kinds of mistakes can often be avoided.
I must confess to a “love at first sight” relationship with my late wife Kathy. I had just lost a son and a wife, and after going through a period of sadness that I did not know anyone whom I would consider for marriage, I suddenly realized that Kathy had all the qualities that I felt that I had needed. I felt that God was in it. In a short period of months we were married.
Kathy had been telling everyone that God had prepared her to be like Rebecca in the Bible and to be ready to marry and move to a distant land on short notice. She had a written list with over 100 items of qualifications for her man, including height, weight, hair color, beard, education, etc. She claimed I met every requirement on the list. She was getting older (38) and had shared the list extensively with her family. When I came along, she was willing to elope with me. I lived in Florida and she in New York. I said “no,” she needed a wedding. She cried. She had always wanted a church wedding.
The marriage lasted 21 years until she died. At and after the funeral, a number of people told me, “I wished I had a marriage like that.”
Discussion Question
What special blessings can come to your life when you let God be in your plans?
Let the participants answer this question. Do not preach.
Love as a Feeling
It is easy to get carried away with our emotions when we are dating. Both partners are doing their best to make a good impression and the atmosphere can feel electric. We may want a relationship so badly that caution can be thrown to the wind and emotions confused with love. This is not good. Feelings are up and down. Love should not be.
I was a very good dating partner to Kathy. Living over a thousand miles apart, I sent her cards nearly every day and called her on the phone. I made up little stories about how special she was. She really took this to heart because she kept every single love note and tape I ever sent her. I found them after she died.
I was not very good at this after we married. The pressures of life weighed on me. I was getting my Ph.D. and was hardly ever home. She nearly begged me for some of the notes and stories I had told her before but there were not many of them now. Finally, she stopped asking. I am not proud of this. I promised myself that if I ever married again this would never happen again.
Discussion Question
What precautions should we take to be sure that we are not letting our emotions control us?
No special answer is expected here. Just let the group express itself.
Earlier, I mentioned my own “love at first sight” situation. The story is well documented by many family members. However, in another sense, it was not love at first sight. Both of us were advised by our church family, who had known us for our entire lives. Their approval, encouragement, and thorough knowledge of us affirmed that we were a good match that was not based on emotions alone.
True Love
True love in a relationship involves a love commitment by two people. It is not wishful thinking about what it is supposed to be or what you want it to be. It is what the relationship is really like, right now. Too many times obvious problems are overlooked in dating or explained away. One partner may plan to “change” the other once they are married or convert him/her then. It is folly to think this will happen. True love will realistically address at least the most important things before marriage and resolve them in a way that is fully communicated and understood.
Discussion Question
How much of this wistful planning to change the other after marriage exists in the world?
Class discussion in our pilots really took off after asking “how often do women think they can control a man and get him to change after getting married?” Discussion started with the simple response “a lot.” There is the need for elaboration here with personal examples. Common problems cited were hiding drinking and drug problems while dating and control issues to be dealt with after the marriage ceremony.
Love must address the problems of living in the real world. None of us are perfect. The world itself is not perfect. True love is a haven of acceptance in a world of indifference and detachment. It is not all right to love your partner’s quirks and shortcomings when dating and then condemn her or him for the same personality or behavior later when married. That is very unfair.
Discussion Question
As you feel comfortable, share with the group experiences where you thought true love was present but it was not there, at least to the degree you had thought. Sharing will help the group to better understand true love.
A typical response might be a long silence followed by personal reflections. These include “people hide things”, person was gone a lot, “worried more about making money than me”, and making money was his/her God. Couples dating seriously should discuss each other’s shortcomings and resolve major problems before they get married. They should also come up with a plan on how they will resolve issues that they disagree on. Whether “true love” is really present may become more apparent in the process.
SPIRITUAL-AWARENESS
Our scriptural study today is the entire 13th chapter of 1 Corinthians, the “Love Chapter.” The Greek city of Corinth was known for its immorality and paganism. In the midst of this background Paul instructed the little Corinthian church with this beautiful and contrasting view of mature Christian love.
This beautiful masterpiece about the nature of true love is just about the complete opposite of what culture and media convey. It is not about what we can get. It is about what we can give. We have broken the chapter into three sections for discussion purposes.
I Corinthians 13
Section 1 (Verses 1-3)
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Discussion Questions
What kind of marriage partner am I if I cannot give love?
You do not have much to offer according to this view. You must be a giving person, and it must be more than just talk or for show.
What kind of Christian am I if I do great deeds for God but lack love?
Worthless. Love defines us.
Section 2 (Verses 4-10)
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
Discussion Questions
What is love like?
It is patient and kind, rejoices in the right things, protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.
What is it not like?
It is not rude or self-seeking, is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs. You focus on God and not yourself.
Section 3 (Verses 11-13)
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Discussion Questions
How do I grow in love?
You grow in love one step at a time and you have to work at it. Young people can be immature and naïve in this area. Regardless, we must all put the bad things behind us.
What Does Love Look Like in a Mature Christian Marriage?
We hope the thoughts of this lesson have inspired you to seek the best and most beautiful in dating and marriage. We trust that you will strive to be the best you can be in your walk with God and its carryover into your relationships. We close with a discussion of our goal, keeping in mind that we all have our faults and shortcomings. We should have a good head on our shoulders and not expect more from others or ourselves than they or we can deliver.
Reflection and Discussion
What does love look like in a mature Christian marriage? Write down three things.
Don’t go on until every one has written down three things and compared notes. Do not answer this for them. Have them refer to I Corinthians 13 on the previous two pages if necessary. There are plenty of examples to choose from.
Should I marry someone who is not a believer?
No. Settle the big issues before you get married.
Which is more important: to give love or to receive love?
To give love. You are not responsible for another person’s actions or attitudes.
How will I view imperfections in my partner?
I am not perfect, either. Some imperfections can be lived with and some cannot.
TRUE/FALSE TEST
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group.
This test is very thought-provoking. Expect lively discussion and some disagreement. Have everyone explain his or her position. You may want to allow extra time for discussion about this test. This could be a rich learning experience.
1. “Love at first sight…”
A: False, B: False, C: True, D: True, E: False
T or F a. never happens. It is impossible.
T or F b. is the best predictor that a relationship will work.
T or F c. can sometimes be more about lust and desire than real love.
T or F d. can be blind.
T or F e. is always blind.
2. What effect should emotions play in dating and marriage?
A: False, B: True, C: False, D: True
T or F a. None. They are all bad.
T or F b. Emotions should develop out of love.
T or F c. Love should develop out of emotions.
Some people may dispute this answer. Accept their contribution but point out that love should not be based on emotions alone.
T or F d. Emotions should not be the only thing driving the relationship.
3. True love happens when two people…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: True
T or F a. totally understand and accept each other.
It is more likely to occur when they accept each other even when they disagree.
T or F b. are so close they always agree with each other.
It is more likely they are close because they have learned how to accept each other even in disagreement.
T or F c. never raise their voice or get angry.
Burying anger by holding it in and directing to yourself is self-destructing. Eventually it will blow up if unresolved.
T or F d. accept each other even when wronged.
There is more need for this than is commonly admitted.
4. Mature Christian love in a marriage is more apt to happen when…
A: True, B: False, C: True, D: True
T or F a. both partners are Christians.
T or F b. both partners are willing to take responsibility for and correct each and every shortcoming in the other partner.
T or F c. commitment is more important than personal sacrifices.
We are not talking about bad marriages here. Commitment is the most important factor if you have to make a choice. Personal “sacrifices” to one person may not be viewed the same way by the partner, but both understand commitment.
T or F d. being a good partner is more important than having a good partner.
It is in terms of your being able to influence the relationship.
5. The Bible says that true love…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: True, E: False
T or F a. is something that is so mysterious that we cannot understand much about it.
T or F b. is something that everybody has.
T or F c. is beyond our capability so we should not expect much.
T or F d. nvolves giving in to other people.
We all have to learn give in at times.
T or F e. holds others to the same standards that we live by.
We love them regardless of where they are.
DATING AND MARRIAGE
Husbands
Husbands are to LOVE their Wives
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
SESSION
Most of us are all too aware that men and women are different. They look different. They act differently. They think differently. They are different. It should not surprise us that each of them brings different strengths into the relationship and things will work better if each really understands and carries out his or her personal roles. They are a TEAM!
In this lesson we will pick on the men. Next time it will be the ladies.
This was said in jest, but what we are about to discuss is serious business. Being a good spouse has to be worked at. Relationships do not stand still. Couples grow closer or grow apart. It is as simple as that. It would be nice to have a beautiful, perfect garden without any work, but it just does not work that way. Relationships also need work.
There is something sacred about the calling to be a husband. In my lifetime I have earned a Ph.D., been a university professor, and trained thousands of teachers, yet being a godly husband was my greatest calling and fulfillment. There is something about understanding your personal role as a good husband and then filling the niche that you know God gave you. This is one of the ultimate joys of life and I have never met a man who said he did not understand this. This should be both a personal goal as well as a spiritual one.
Discussion
If there are men in your group, have them explain the above paragraph.
Have the men express how important it is to them to be good at being a husband and meeting all the needs of his wife, including the emotional ones.
SELF-AWARENESS ALLOW MINUTES 25
Provider
All things being equal, a man should have a job and support his family. Then if his wife gets pregnant or has to care for the children, they can still all be secure. Today’s society is much different from earlier, simpler times, however, and practicality often dictates that both partners work. Even if they do, the husband must see to it that the physical needs of the family are met. This means financially. It also means providing for other needs like mowing the lawn, making repairs, and sometimes relieving an overwhelmed wife with her tasks. Both of my wives were professional women and worked outside the home. I myself worked with women and for women in my own profession. Still, it was my responsibility to make sure that my wife and family were secure whether I earned the money, she did, or we both did. It did not have anything to do with the way I felt that day or whether life or she was treating me fair. She was my wife, and it was my responsibility.
Discussion
Discuss several ways in which men should be the provider in a marriage.
Allow for discussion. Both men and women have their own strong opinions about this. Allow them to express them. Women want their man to be working and providing for the family and to be equally involved in parenting and spiritual leadership. He should be versed enough in the Bible to be able to teach the wife.
Leader
Everyone wants to be the leader but not everyone understands the responsibility that goes along with it. We are all familiar with the “control freak” who drives everyone under them crazy and the “little dictator” who will not listen to anybody. This is not leading; It is bullying. Unfortunately, some men put a “Christian” spin on it by suggesting that their wives have to do everything they say because they are not good wives under God if they do not.
Good husbands lead by example. They lead by showing how something is done, not by barking out orders. Even good submissive wives can reach a limit of the amount of abuse they can stand. I once knew a Christian man married to a beautiful, intelligent, ideal wife who put her down in public constantly. At the time I thought he was crazy to do this. Now I realize it was probably due to his own insecurities coming out. In any case, it was so sad to see the disappointment in his wife’s eyes that everyone around him saw but him.
Discussion
How can a husband lead in a loving way?
Common answers are lead by example, be kind, respectful, encouraging, romantic; discuss, work with, help, and protect her to make her feel secure; not being overcritical; money cannot be everything so that he is never home; wife is not a personal slave; no abuse-especially emotional; stay away from drinking and/or the negative ways in which he was raised; and recognizing his own shortcomings. He can support his wife emotionally in simple ways such as holding her hand, listening and taking her thoughts seriously, and encouraging her and praying with her.
There are times in the Christian home when the man is expected to take charge.
One of these is in establishing the spiritual tone of the family. Many times this is reversed and the husband expects the wife to do it. This should not stay this way, though, and the man should take steps to take on the responsibility himself. This does not mean he should diminish her role. It means that he needs to do some very simple things. These include taking the family to church, not just giving them approval to go; and setting up a “family altar” where family members gather regularly to pray and discuss scripture. His wife can share the responsibility, but it is still his job to see that it gets done. As the God-appointed “priest” of the family, he also prays with and for each family member and encourages his or her spiritual development.
Discussion Question
In the Christian home, how should the husband take charge?
He should take the family to church and pray with his family. If women are present, let them answer this. Their answers may surprise the men.
Manager
Another way of looking at leadership is being a good manager. Some things that can call for male action include the discipline of children and resolving family disputes. Another involves the intimacy of the couple before and after marriage. The man is just as responsible, if not more, as the wife in setting the boundaries before marriage and after. Before marriage the problem is the temptation for too much intimacy between them. After marriage, it is in guarding the relationship itself.
Discussion Question
What is the role of the Christian man in the relationship before and after marriage?
He is caretaker of the relationship to see that it is wholesome and on a good and godly basis. He sets boundaries.
Now let us look at what the scriptures have to say about men in marriage. Notice that we are talking to the gentlemen first, then the ladies. A man cannot pass off his responsibilities to his wife. It has nothing to do with whether she does her part or not. He is responsible to God to do his part and do it well.
The scriptures that follow are deliberately followed by blanks for you to fill in. The “right answer” that we want is your thoughts. We expect that different people will see different applications and answer differently, but that is not bad. It will make for a better discussion. In our sessions, we respect each other’s opinions and are not judgmental.
In each of the scriptures, direct your comments towards the theme of today’s lesson of being a good Christian husband. Do not get stuck on what the expectation of the wife is. That will be discussed in the next lesson.
These scriptures may seem to need no explaining and discussion may not be very spontaneous. However, they contain very important points that must be made. Focus on giving examples. Have the class come up with them.
Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (NIV)
Husbands must actively encourage their wives to be fulfilled persons and developed in all that is good for them. They must provide spiritual leadership and support. They must pray for them and help them develop spiritually.
Ephesians 5:28-30 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. (NIV)
Husbands must take the needs, ideas, dreams, and concerns of their wives very seriously. These should be as important to him as his own status, work, or recreation. Alert husbands must not let their wives suffer through neglect by ignoring their emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. They should listen to her when she has a problem and meet her emotional needs and not ignore them.
Ephesians 5:31-33 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)
There is something sacred and special about the marriage relationship. The man must do his part to meet his wife’s need to be loved, and the woman must satisfy her husband’s need to be respected. They should be one and their love a mutual thing.
Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (NIV)
It is a husband’s duty to be gentle and kind.
1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (NIV)
Husbands must be considerate and respectful of their wives and treat them as partners. They must not take advantage of them due to strength, size, or power. Failure to observe this will displease God and hamper their own relationship with Him. Women will nearly always want to point out the “weaker” does not mean “inferior” or less intelligent. Husbands are to provide strength for their wives whether it means using his greater physical size and strength to protect her or to provide emotional support when she needs it.
APPLICATION ALLOW MINUTES 25
Everything in this lesson up to this point suggests that the husband must be kind to his wife, have her best interests at heart, and take an active role in helping her be all that she can be. You should have also picked up that this is not just an obligation, it is a privilege.
We all know of situations where husbands are not quite up to this level of maturity yet. Below there are three situations like this. Use what you have learned to discuss how you would deal with or advise the husband in each case.
Discussion Exercise
Situation 1
John is a leader in the church, and you have known him for a long time. You notice that he puts his wife down in public and does it often. His wife is beautiful and intelligent. He seems to pray for everyone in the church before he prays for his own wife. How serious a problem is this? How would you help him?
This is super serious. He needs to get his priorities straight before he loses the things he values he most. Someone, like you or a pastor, needs to talk to him to make him aware of his behavior and the effect it is having.
Situation 2
Joe is a new Christian. His wife has been a Christian all her life and Joe has let his wife have all the responsibility for prayer and church. Now he feels he can never catch up to where his wife is spiritually and does not know how to become the spiritual leader in the home. What words of encouragement would you give him?
Show him that spiritual leadership is not mysterious and can simply be an extension of some of the other good leadership qualities he was already showing prior to becoming a dedicated Christian. Show him it is doable and involves simple things like making sure everyone gets to church, sees that the family has its own personal devotional times with God, and that he prays for his wife. Point out that praying for his wife out loud with her present would be a great encouragement to her. Just reading the Bible to the wife and family is a very important event for them.
Situation 3
Ted thinks his wife nags him too much. He says he will start taking his own role as a husband more seriously after his wife starts treating him the way the Bible says she should. What is wrong with this kind of thinking?
There is usually a good response on this scenario. Women say that men should do their husband’s role. True love is unselfish and not dependent on the partner taking the first step.
Personal Exercise
Reflect on the lesson and write down the most important thought that stands out to you.
Give participants a short time to think about an answer, ask them to write it down.
Write down all the answers given by the other group members.
Do not skip this step. Take the time to have them write down their answers and write them on a chalkboard if one is available. This will give you and them feedback as to whether they understood what being a Christian husband should look like or not.
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group.
1. Being a good provider means that a husband…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: False
T or F a. has to bring in all the money for the household.
T or F b. should not let his wife work.
T or F c. does not have to carry out the garbage.
T or F d. can concentrate on earning the living and not have to worry about helping around the house.
2. Male leadership in marriage should involve:
A: False, B: True, C: True, D: True
T or F a. laying down the law and letting everyone know who is boss.
T or F b. disciplining the children.
T or F c. understanding the spiritual role of the husband.
T or F d. leading by example.
3. Being a Christian husband…
A: True, B: False, C: True, D: True
T or F a. is a holy calling.
T or F b. means you will never have any problems as long as you are married to a good Christian woman.
T or F c. calls for a high level of maturity and purpose.
T or F d. can be very rewarding.
4. The Bible says that…
A: False, B: True or False depending on situation, C: False, D: True
T or F a. the husband wears the pants and should never listen to what his wife says.
T or F b. women are not to be trusted.
T or F c. husbands are superior to wives.
T or F d. husbands should see to it that their wives are cared for.
5. The Bible says that…
A: True, B: False, C: True, D: False
T or F a. God will not answer the prayers of men that mistreat their wives.
T or F b. husbands must completely understand their wives.
It is not possible to completely understand another person, no matter how close they are.
T or F c. husbands must love their wives even when they frustrate them.
T or F d. being a good husband is secondary to a personal walk with God.
It is a part of his personal walk.
DATING AND MARRIAGE
Wives
Wives are to “Stand By Your Man”
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
SESSION
Be warned that females may be very skeptical of this lesson. You may need to be patient as you take them through the points. What they have learned outside may not be in agreement with the teachings of Christ.
In this lesson we will be talking about some really emotional topics like “standing by your man” and “submission.” Just using these words may anger women who have felt mistreated and taken advantage of by men. Yet for women who yearn for love and intimacy in marriage, they are issues that need to be dealt with. Women must work to make the marriage work, just like the men do. There are practical and biblical principles to guide you into being the contented, successful, and godly wife. You need to know how to work with your husband in order to make your marriage work.
In the best of situations, both partners are dedicated to God and committed to each other. Each fulfills his or her role. If one chooses not to do the right thing, it does not excuse the other partner from doing the right thing. Being a godly wife does not depend on what the husband does or does not do. The same is true for being a godly husband.
Discussion
Explain why wives must concentrate on being good wives and husbands on being good husbands instead of waiting for the other person to do his or her part.
Success in marriage depends on each person doing his/her own part. The only part we have control over is our own part. Not doing one’s own part until someone else does their part is childish and counterproductive. If nobody is proactive, then nothing will happen.
SELF-AWARENESS ALLOW MINUTES 25
Guard Your Heart
There are all too many tales of women who entered into a relationship that turned into a disaster after marriage. Much of this can be traced to too much concentration on emotions and wishful thinking and too little on reality and important details. Feelings can come and go, but the relationship should be based on something more solid. Too much is at stake to just rely on feelings alone.
Discussion Question
What are some of the lies women tell themselves to justify their dating men who are not good for them?
He will change after we get married. If I let him live with me now, he will marry me later. If I give him sex now, he will love me. Our faith and other major differences do not matter because love overcomes everything. Everything will work out because we are in love. If I do this, then he will do that. If I don’t go and live with him now, he will find someone else.
If a woman feels squeamish about things about the man she is dating, she should really have some serious, second thoughts about marrying him. If she does not respect him now, she will probably have trouble respecting him after marrying him. Then it may be too late.
Discussion Question
What are some of the things that are serious enough to call an end to a developing relationship?
Abuse of any kind: physical, emotional, or neglect. Drunkenness. Drugs. Demand for sex before marriage. Overly controlling. No effort to get or hold employment. Financial mismanagement. Lies. Cheating. Threatening. Controlling behavior. Not working or being able to hold a job. Treating with disrespect, especially in public.
Submission
Submission is a dirty word to many women in society today. For some it speaks of put-downs by men. For others it is something that they feel the church and Bible forces on women regardless of how much they are being abused. Actually, submission is something that all of us must deal with regardless of whether we are male or female. Submission is a big topic and the whole next lesson will be devoted to it. Right now, we will look at the place of submission as it relates to being a godly wife. We will briefly discuss what it does and does not look like.
What it Looks Like
We have some special negative words in our vocabulary for women who are nagging and disagreeable all the time. These are the women who are not pleasant and not nice. Nobody wants to be around them. They drag
everybody down. On the other hand, everyone wants to be around the “submissive” woman. Her beautiful spirit blesses those around her and she thrives on her natural inclination toward being useful and nurturing. When you apply that to a marriage, it can really make the marriage blossom. She does not question every decision her husband makes and is not “bossy.” She makes her husband feel like a king.
Discussion Question
How can being submissive to a husband bring contentment and joy to a wife and a marriage?
Warning: there may be a shocked period of silence with women on this one. Women in this culture often equate “submission” with being taken advantage of, being viewed as inferior, or as being a slave. Mention that we are not talking about misused submission as a negative but submission as a positive that promotes good relationships. Examples of this focus includes: It boosts the husband’s confidence and encourages him to love his wife. It breaks deadlocks and helps things to run smoothly. A wife should be happy to sacrifice for her husband and bring joy to him.
Why is it important that the wife be submissive to her husband?
It is a biblical principle and pleases God. She will get it back in blessings. Husbands and wives are on the same team. They should support each other. One man in a class put his expectation about the wife this way: “She should act like a lady and not like a Banshee.”
What it Does Not Look Like
Some godly women are afraid of what they would do if asked to comply with dangerous and destructive requests from God or their husband. First of all, the God who loves us would never ask us to do anything like that. As for the husband, a godly husband would not do that, either. From a personal point of view, I would assure any girlfriend or wife in my life that she should not stay in any kind of relationship with me where I used her submission as a reason to abuse her. That could not happen unless my mind had snapped or I had turned into a person that I loathed.
A woman does not have to, and should not, stay in a relationship where she and her children are constantly being abused, whether physically, verbally, or emotionally. To put up with things like that, especially when safety is involved, is not being submissive. It is being ignorant and weak. It is even worse than that. It “enables” the abusive husband to be even more abusive by encouraging his bad behavior.
In the discussion below, expand upon the all-too-common problem women face between being a good, submissive wife and putting up with continual and serious abuse.
Discussion
Discuss situations that you know of where the woman stayed too long in a relationship where alcohol and drugs were involved.
Wait for responses. Draw out responses. After a pause, you could say “do you mean to tell me that no one here has ever heard of a situation like this! Does that mean that this is not much of a problem?” One reason given why women stay in a relationship too long is because they themselves have problems with alcohol and drugs.
Discuss how you would advise a wife whose life is threatened but is afraid to leave because she and her children would not have any income or place to live?
Encourage her to seek help from someone who could help her and not be paralyzed by fear as to how she will make it. Call a crisis center or law enforcement. She could turn to the Church or a pastor for help or advice. She could call 911 or contact the police or a fire department. There are many local agencies that can give immediate shelter and protection and pastors, police, hospitals, and fire departments are aware of them.
Getting Your Man to Understand You
The Bible commands men to love their wives, not understand them. Getting husbands to completely understand their “mysterious” wives may be beyond the reach of possibility to the male mind. But that is just in the small ways. In the big and important ways, men must understand their wives if they are to lead and be effective husbands.
Wives want their husbands to cherish them and understand and respond to their dreams. They have plans of their own that they want their husbands to take part in and even share.
There are right ways and wrong ways to accomplish this. Wives should know that their men are more attracted to the sugar treatment than vinegar. Feminine nurturing works much better than threatening or challenging male leadership. Men also do not like nagging. It may work in the short term, but over time it becomes a burden and men listen even less.
Women, like men, need to learn to be patient. Nagging and other counterproductive acts are sometimes due to frustration that things are not working out as fast as desired. Sometimes they do not work even when the woman is patient. In any case, we go back to the woman’s submissiveness and feminine charm as her best option to get what she wants and needs. Not only does it make good, practical sense, it is also the key to fulfilling her God-given role as a wife and makes her more Christ-like.
Discussion Question
Discuss a woman’s need for her man to understand her.
This is so important that the immediate response in one class of women was simply, “Oh, my!” It builds her sense of self-worth. This is extremely important to women. They want to be part of the team and not left out. They often feel that men simply dismiss what they are saying and do not take the time or effort to really listen and understand.
Explore some good and positive ways that a godly wife can get her husband to seriously listen to her.
Some things that men have suggested are: rub his back, respect him, don’t yell and nag, and give him a good meal. Women’s responses have included: ask him to sit down and make eye contact during a conversation, to give her your full attention, and pray together.
SPIRITUAL-AWARENESS ALLOW MINUTES 25
Write down your thoughts as to the meaning of each of the following scriptures and be prepared to discuss them in your group.
Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (NIV)
Do not let your emotions control you (doesn’t mean that you have to deny them). We must put boundaries on our desires.
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (NIV)
Let your husband do his job by supporting him in his role. You have nothing to gain by undermining and second-guessing his decisions. Your husband is not your enemy. As head of the household, women expect the man to be the spiritual leader and take charge in other ways. You and he are part of a team. The marriage takes teamwork.
Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (NIV)
Supporting your husband emotionally and enthusiastically is pleasing to God. The female nurturing nature is a blessing and a strength that comes from God.
Ephesians 5:31-33 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)
The union of a man and a woman is so special that God uses it as an illustration of His relationship to His church. Much emphasis is given in scripture to the sexual union. It is holy and special and not to be shared with anyone outside the marriage. Living together before marriage does not enhance the marriage and does not guarantee anything. In fact, it may reduce the chance of marriage because one partner may be content with the relationship the way it is.
1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives… (NIV)
There is an old saying that you can win more people with honey than with vinegar. A Christian woman is not permitted to show disrespect and withhold her love from her non-believing husband just because he is a nonbeliever. She should still be a good example to him even if he is a nonbeliever. You still have to love and respect him. You need to be a good wife as much as you can. For serious and life-threatening situations, or if he leaves you, other scriptures may apply.
1 Timothy 3:11 In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything. (NIV)
Wives of Christian leaders are to be Christian leaders themselves. They are a part of their husbands’ ministry, at least in spirit, whether on an official basis or not. Everyone is watching how the wife conducts herself. It is just part of being “joint-heirs” of the gift of life with the husband.
APPLICATION ALLOW MINUTES 25
The Bible consistently states that wives are to be submissive to their husbands. They are to recognize the husband’s leadership. Many jokes abound about “who wears the pants” in a family. In the discussion exercises below, we will talk about some of the implications of submissiveness.
Discussion Questions
Why is it so important for wives to show respect for their husbands?
It is a key to success in marriage. It is a mutual thing and very important. It is God’s commandment.
If a wife is to be so accepting of her husband’s leadership role, why is it so important that she is comfortable with his leadership and leadership style before she gets married?
She must trust him to recognize him as a leader. She should not rush into marriage if not for the right reasons. Also discuss the benefits and sacrifice of waiting for the person and the place of seeking God.
Personal Exercise
As it relates to you, write down your thoughts about this lesson and its implications for your current and future relationships.
Take the time to actually have them write down their answers on paper. Then have them share. Write their answers on the chalkboard if one is available.
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group.
1. To be a good wife,
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: True
T or F a. you have to have a good husband.
T or F b. you have to have a Christian husband.
T or F c. you have to learn to be a doormat.
T or F d. you must respect your husband.
2. In determining if it is “true love”, you should…
A: False, B: True, C: True, D: True
T or F a. rely mostly on your feelings.
T or F b. have a healthy skepticism.
You should be sure you are thinking straight.
T or F c. guard your heart.
Be careful that your emotions do not overshadow the most important things in life.
T or F d. ask your partner what he thinks.
You should do this but you should also be sure yourself.
3. Being a Christian wife…
A: True, B: False, C: False, D: True, E: False
T or F a. is a holy calling.
T or F b. puts a woman in a demeaning position.
T or F c. means that she will never be happy.
T or F d. builds on her feminine charm and grace.
T or F e. means that she is less important than her husband in the eyes of God.
God made them “male and female” and He said it was good.
4. The idea that wives should be submissive to their husbands…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: True
T or F a. is taught in the church but not in the Bible.
It is taught in both places.
T or F b. means that wives must always conduct their lives from a position of weakness.
T or F c. makes it all right for husbands to abuse their wives.
T or F d. shows Christlikeness.
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: False , E: True
T or F a. wives are not as important as husbands.
T or F b. women are not beautiful.
T or F c. women have no special role in God’s kingdom.
T or F d. women are not supposed to have any dreams of their own.
T or F e. godly, submissive wives show a beauty that everyone responds to.
DATING AND MARRIAGE
Submission
We ALL Need to Be Submissive
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
SESSION
ALLOW MINUTES 10
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
Submission is not a popular topic in our society. We are taught to be strong and stand up for our rights. Everyone is presumed to have rights, and the strong person does not put up with any kind of wrong. People already feel victimized and taken advantage of. Women are resentful of being told that they need to be subject to their husbands, men, or anyone. Convicts hold tightly to their “dignity” and insist on the rights they feel are theirs. They demand respect. The underlying message is that you have to make your own way in this world and nobody will do it for you.
The message of Christ, however, says that this is not a good attitude and that we need to overcome it and rise above it. It is a weight that holds us down. This pushing for a person’s own way all the time is not new. It is mentioned in the Bible as being “worldly.” The Bible teaches that we need to be submissive to each other, and this includes both husbands and wives. Jesus also taught us to “turn the other cheek” when being mistreated. It is all too easy for Christians to ignore this teaching or explain it away.
Things go wrong when everyone has to have “the upper hand” and wants to dominate everyone else. Nothing gets done, and everyone is unhappy. Nobody wants to be dominated. The Christian should live at a higher level than this. He or she is not living in a spirit of fear and should be strong and free enough to know when to yield to the desires and concerns of others. It is something we all need to work on.
Some of the females in our pilot programs revolted at the very mention of the word “submission.” Ask them to stay with the lesson to see how this applies to everyone – male and female – and that it is necessary for harmony and peace. Always “standing up for our rights” is all too common in “street” and “criminal” thinking. It has its downside, and it is unscriptural.
Discussion
Explain why “street” or “criminal” thinking where you always have to insist on having your own way is so destructive and makes a person antisocial. Describe how this stifles personal development, damages relationships with others, and generally makes life miserable for everyone around.
Let group members contribute. There should be no problem in getting responses. Common answers are: People grow apart. Women become trapped and over-dependent on the other person. No one wants to be dominated. If you have your way all the time at the expense of someone else, you will never be able to be trusted yourself. No one wants to be around a person that is selfish or lying all the time. The people that love you don’t want that, either.
SELF-AWARENESS ALLOW MINUTES 25
We Must All Submit to Someone
We are social creatures and do not do well when isolated and left to be all alone. We need to fit in. Even prisoners, at least the honest ones, will admit they need someone in whom to confide. That rough and tough exterior they show the world hides the inner insecurity and fear they feel. The alliances, rules, and gangs that come out of this are submissions of a negative kind.
Submission is of a positive kind when two loving partners both practice it. It should be a fairly easy thing to accomplish for people who already love each other. It is a natural development. Unfortunately, husbands and wives sometimes develop better relationships with their friends than they do with each other. When marriage partners take on the “I will not submit” attitude or the “I will only love you if…” argument, they are headed toward a “train wreck.”
Discussion
Give examples of the above statement.
Both partners must submit to each other. If the “I will only love you if…” argument is used over and over, it can become a power struggle where she never measures up to expectations and he uses it as a power play. It is blackmail. It is not love. Money and gifts are sometimes used to “buy out” the other partner. One woman said her boyfriend would always smash her cell phone and threaten to kill himself and others if she left him.
Submission Is …
The submission we are looking at in this lesson is the kind that makes us better and stronger. We obey the laws of the land. We go to work and follow the rules and do what is expected of us, if not more. We are good citizens and productive workers. As partners in dating and marriage, we show love and respect for each other without always expecting something in return.
Romans 12:9-10 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. (NIV)
This scripture refers to how we get along with each other as Christians. It has a special meaning for those in marriage or considering it.
Discussion Questions
What are some of the ways in which I should show submission to my partner?
Emphasize the importance of this. Group members will probably need prompting, but it is important that they seriously look at this aspect of Christian love. It involves service and affirmation. Some possible answers: Be faithful. Make sure the partner’s needs are met. He can trust her, and she can trust him to make the right decisions. She should be patient when he is acting like an “idiot.” Wives expect husbands to show kindness, faithfulness, honesty, and respect.
What kinds of things will I need to work on to improve in this area?
Trust areas, stop telling women they are “wasting” their lives by staying home and raising a family. Women want their men to understand her better. Improve communications. Figure out what the partner’s needs are. Do not overreact. Be humble and understanding.
What kind of rewards will I get from doing this?
Building a godly relationship and a sacred covenant. Having a better relationship. Having a strong, nonvolatile relationship. Pleasing God. Obeying God.
In Chapter 2, we focused on the “love chapter”, 1 Corinthians 13. It listed the things that make up true love. Simply put, love means that we need to submit to one another. When both partners do it, it is wonderful. When one does it, it is good. When neither does it, watch out! Christian submission is a rare, bright spot in a dark world that mistakenly views it as a weakness.
Discussion
Discuss how we should be submissive to our partner based on 1 Corinthians 13 (page 14, Section 2).
…being patient, kind, and showing self control. Be prepared to pull the group back on track. There are so many things that might be said. Keep the focus on specifics from scripture. This chapter is key to showing us how we are to interact with other – partners and non-partners. The key word is unselfishness.
Submission Is Not…
We are not talking about being weak. It is quite the opposite. Weak people are not strong enough to give much to others because they are so needy themselves. Strong people know who they are. They are not totally dependent upon other people or have to be defined by them. They are free to relate to a partner out of strength and not out of need.
Healthy submission is not mindless or ignorant. We still make intelligent decisions and are aware of what is going on. Abigail was an excellent example of this. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman married to a disgusting man (1 Samuel 25: 3). She was able to preserve her dignity in a bad situation and save a whole community from destruction (vs. 33). David was so impressed with her that he asked her to marry him after God had destroyed her husband for being so evil (vs. 39).
Submission in today’s lesson is not about a helpless woman submitting to a macho man. It is all right to have two strong partners in a relationship, but each should submit to the other.
Discussion Question
Explain to the group your answer to these questions. What are some of the misconceptions that people have about submission and who it applies to? What does this personally mean to you?
Submission does not mean you are weak, have to do wrong things, or have to put up with abuse. It does not just apply to women. It does not mean that one of the other partners is weaker than the other. Partners cannot manipulate each other to get what they want.
SPIRITUAL-AWARENESS ALLOW MINUTES 25
Write down your thoughts as to the meaning of each of the following scriptures and be prepared to discuss them in your group.
These scriptures produced powerful emotional responses in our pilot sessions. Sometimes people wandered off track and had to be brought back. They wanted to concentrate on the exceptions. Personal discipleship, however, dictates that Christians concentrate on the principles of Christ and not our own selfish desires and scheming.
1 Corinthians 7:3-4 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. (NIV)
Sex should not be used as a weapon or as leverage by either men or women. We should not take something beautiful and turn it into something that speaks of anger and control. The couple should meet each other’s needs. Partners should not be selfish with their bodies, whether by sex or in other ways, such as by kissing.
1 Corinthians 7:5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NIV)
Withholding sex from a marriage is not healthy or spiritual. Watch out! Your partner might look for someone else. This applies equally to men and women. Sex should not be used as a weapon. There are many who wrongly misread this passage. Sex should not be forced.
Romans 13:1 Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. (NIV)
We all have to be submissive – both in life and in marriage. You may go to jail if you do not follow the rules.
1 Corinthians 16:15-16 You know that the household of Stephanas were the first converts in Achaia, and they have devoted themselves to the service of the saints. I urge you, brothers, to submit to such as these and to everyone who joins in the work, and labors at it. (NIV)
We must submit to our brothers and sisters in the Lord and support them in their work.
Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (NIV)
We need to submit even if we do not feel like it. If, for no other reason, we do it out of respect for Christ.
Hebrews 13:17 Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you. (NIV)
We must respect and submit to our church leaders. We must make it easy for them to do their job. They themselves are accountable to God. There are rewards for us in this if we are smart enough to see this as God sees it.
APPLICATION ALLOW MINUTES 25
Discussion Exercise
The following scenarios represent one or more points presented in this lesson. Analyze each as a group and come up with recommendations.
The purpose of these scenarios is to stimulate group thinking and problem solving by applying the points and scriptures of this lesson. Application learning is much harder than factual learning, but it is much more powerful in turning lives around. Give the class some leeway, but just be sure to keep them on track. The moments spent on this exercise may be the most productive of the entire lesson. People like to do exercises like this.
Situation 1
Mary assumed responsibility for the spiritual leadership in the home for years because her husband, George, was not a Christian and showed no interest in anything spiritual. Recently George became a Christian also and Mary does not want to give up that leadership. She feels she is way beyond where George is spiritually and sees no reason to have to listen to George. George does not even try to show leadership because he feels he could never live up to his wife’s expectations anyway.
Mary may like the control she has developed and may not want to give it up. This is sad because this may prevent George from fully developing into the kind of husband that God intended. If that happens, both will suffer. If she won’t let him lead, he will not grow. If he just gives up, he will never be the leader he is supposed to be. In the end, she will be missing a blessing. God says that the man should be the head of the home and she should encourage him to take that leadership.
Situation 2
Jennifer has found a powerful way to get her husband to do what she wants him to do. She withholds sexual relations. This worked for a while, but now something seems to be missing.
It is an invitation for all kinds of sin to enter in. One person’s response was “Jennifer is gone.” Another’s was “they need better communication.”
Situation 3
Albert seems clueless about Susan’s plans and dreams. As far as he is concerned, she does not have any. He tells her to stop nagging him because the Bible says that she is to be quiet and submissive. Susan gets frustrated and lashes back. Albert begins to think he married the wrong person.
Albert is just being selfish and not godly at all. He is using the Bible as a weapon. He is causing his own demise and blames Susan. If he really cares, he should read I Corinthians 13 carefully to see how selfish and loveless he has been. That also goes for his thinking that he married the wrong person. Typical class responses: Albert is too controlling, there is a lack of communication, there is no consideration.
Situation 4
Tom says he will start taking Jill’s concerns seriously when she starts doing her part as a wife. Jill says she will change when Tom starts holding up his side of the marriage. This has gone on for years.
This should not have gone on like this for that long. It is way past time for both parties to grow up and stop this childishness. This behavior does not please God and is destroying their relationship. Scriptures do not excuse us from our own responsibilities just because someone else fails in theirs.
Homework
Read the entire 25th chapter of 1 Samuel. Write down every instance where Abigail was submissive and how these acts showed strength, intelligence, and positive outcomes. Spend at least 15 minutes on this exercise and bring your thoughts to share in the next lesson.
Assign this for homework to be discussed in the next lesson. If time permits, you may help the group get started on it now.
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group.
1. Submission is…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: False, E: True
T or F a. a sign of weakness.
T or F b. best modeled by the criminal mind.
T or F c. only for women.
T or F d. only for the ignorant and helpless.
T or F e. for everybody.
2. Submission is something that…
A: True, B: True, C: True, D: False
T or F a. we all have to work on.
T or F b. sinners need to work on.
T or F c. Christians need to show.
T or F d. is all right for a dating or marriage partner to show as long as the other partner does his or her part.
Each person should do what he/she should do whether the other person does it or not.
3. Abigail, in the Bible, is a good example of showing submission because she…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: True, E: True
T or F a. acted ignorant and gave into her husband’s every demand.
T or F b. did nothing to correct the bad situation her husband had placed them in.
T or F c. knew she did not have to be submissive if she had a bad husband.
T or F d. was graceful and effective.
T or F e. showed the strength and benefits of effective submissiveness.
4. For the Christian, being submissive should be…
A: True, B: False, C: False, D: False
T or F a. easier because he or she is already submissive to Christ.
T or F b. easier because when Christ takes over we do not have to put any effort into it.
T or F c. harder because it is a cross we must carry.
It should be easier because we are following Christ. We serve Christ because we want to please Him and take on His nature, not because every little thing He asks us to do is such a terrible sacrifice.
T or F d. harder because we should never have to back down.
This is “street” or “worldly” thinking which is responsible for much of the pain and suffering in the world. Being submissive at the appropriate times does not indicate weakness and losing the respect of others. It is just the opposite. Strong people do not have to go around making threats. They have learned that true power comes from being a person of quality, respecting others, and being true to their own values.
5. The Bible teaches that we…
T or F a. are to love everybody.
T or F b. are to obey the laws of the land as long as we agree with them.
T or F c are to show respect to those in authority even if they are corrupt
See Matthew 23:1-3. For a really revealing perspective, read the whole chapter.
T or F d. are to show honor to each other.
T or F e. must love our partners even when they are disagreeable.
A: True, B: False, C: True, D: True, E: True
DATING AND MARRIAGE
Fighting Fair
Fighting Fair is a Key to Intimacy
SESSION
INTRODUCTION ALLOW MINUTES 10
Opening Prayer
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
Your assignment from the last lesson (page 44) was to list ways that the story of Abigail’s godly way of dealing with a very disagreeable situation saved the day for her, her husband, and those around her. Take a few minutes to compare your notes with the group.
Discussion
Compare your notes from page 44 with each other from the last lesson.
Group responses.
Keeping things from getting out of hand
Sometimes bad things happen just because we don’t take the proper steps to resolve simple disagreements before they become serious. We all have the irritations that bother us, but it is often so much easier to just let them go than deal with them. This is like pushing a beach ball under water to make it go away, but it will just come back to the surface when not held under any longer.
Another example of this is like a dam where the water is steadily rising until it reaches the danger point and the dam bursts. Have you ever seen someone explode and wonder where all of that energy came from? It was probably from festering, unresolved problems that got past the danger point.
Discussion
Discuss this statement: “If you are going to be married, you should expect that irritations and conflicts will occur, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is bad.”
Group responses. This is a good time to do some close listening to see if the group is thinking and getting new insights.
What is Fighting Fair?
Fighting fair in a close relationship is a way of handling disagreements in a constructive and loving way so that harmony and respect are preserved. One thing that dating couples should establish right away is what they will do to resolve their differences. If they cannot figure this out early in the relationship, they could be facing hard times in the days ahead. Love may be “blind” but it does not have to be stupid and ignorant.
Fighting fair means that you can make allowances in your relationship for disagreement, and even anger, without destroying it. It means that you do not have to submit to the will of the other partner all the time as if all the decisions were one-sided. At the least, you will have a chance to be seriously listened to and your opinion considered. Hopefully, it will lead to mutual agreement as to who wins in this episode of conflict.
Fighting fair implies that both partners have to follow the rules. When one of them does not, it is not a fair fight anymore. Rules are there for a reason. Sports fans like to see the best team win, but the win must come fairly. It is not all right to sabotage a game by shooting someone or throwing a knife at him or her. All too often in marriage, however, partners do not observe rules and actually try to deeply hurt the other person. When they do this, they will suffer the consequences.
Discussion
What does “fighting fair” mean to you?
Possible answers are: listen and respect the other person’s point of view, no yelling, set boundaries, walk away if necessary, do not to pick up on the small things. Keep your emotions in check. Keep to the current issue.
SELF-AWARENESS
Why Fight at All?
“Fight ideas, not people.”
Some couples pride themselves in the fact that they have never had a fight. They never even raised their voices to each other. This is wonderful if it means that they have found other ways to resolve their differences. All too often, it does not mean that. This is plain to see when their marriages end in divorce. They chose to ignore their differences rather than face them. Little irritations became big irritations. Big irritations became big problems. One woman told me she divorced her husband over the handling of the money. That was the only reason. Now she had second thoughts. Maybe they could have worked things out.
Discussion
Why is having a record of no “fights” in a marriage not necessarily a good thing?
It may mean they do not care about what the one one thinks. A couple may confuse being quiet and avoiding conflict with being mature and responsible. It may be keeping them from taking personal risks to make the marriage good and better. Real communication and intimacy takes much work. Some issues get worse if they are ignored.
There are many times where conflict must be resolved in a relationship. Teamwork requires a large amount of negotiating, not a little. There are many shared responsibilities and demands. When children come along, the tasks become even greater. Some kind of agreement must be reached on earning and spending money, who disciplines the children and how it is done. Other decisions involve recreation, schedules, and priorities.
Discussion Question
What is the most important conflict that you may have to face in your relationship, and how do you plan to deal with it?
Explain that it is a very important discussion point and that you will be spending a little extra time on this question to give everyone a chance to seriously think about it. Everyone’s experience is important and we would like everyone to share. Problems brought up may include disciplining the children, including step-children, drugs, drinking, and money. Women’s concerns are control issues, not sharing money or having to beg for it, social isolation, socializing only with his friends, jealousy, and lack of trust.
Reaching agreement is hard enough for people who share the same background. It can even be more difficult when the backgrounds are not the same, and marriages are like that. For one thing, male and female thinking and priorities may be different. Partners must stretch themselves to understand the other’s point of view. Another factor is different backgrounds that the individuals came from. There are bound to be differences in the way they were raised.
Discussion
If marriage is supposed to be such a haven for intimacy and harmony, why is it so important to talk about conflict?
Conflict is inevitable and must be addressed right away. Conflicts must be resolved quickly by having a predetermined plan on how to deal with issues before they become a problem.
How to Fight Fair
Here are a few ways to make fighting in your relationship constructive instead of destructive:
Choose Your Battles Wisely
Choose the Best Time –Now or Later
Respect Your Opponent
Solve One Problem at a Time
Fight Ideas Not People
Do not fight over every little thing. Every little irritation is not worth fighting over unless you want to make yourself and everyone around you miserable.
Come to an agreement on when to best deal with the issue. Do not let the timing be a cause for making things worse or just avoiding the issue.
Respect and try to understand your partner’s point of view. Listen, and let him or her make the case. Remember that this is the person you love.
If the problem at hand seems large, do not make it even bigger by taking on several others at the same time. That hardly makes sense.
Different ideas are not bad in themselves and do not make your partner bad. Learn to “disagree” agreeably.
Which of the tactics in the chart do you most identify with? Why?
Ask for individual answers.
Never Do This
Some couples never fight. Others fight all the time. Not only do they fight often, they fight “dirty” with intention to harm. It is no wonder that their relationships do not amount to much. There are certain things in fighting that should never be done.
The first is pushing the “atomic bomb” button. Partners in an intimate relationship are usually aware of issues that are so explosive that their partner will not be able to handle them. Do not go there. You will get his or her attention, but you will destroy your chances of resolving the conflict without resentment.
Another mistake is using put-down language. The old saying, “It is not what you say, it is how you say it”, is true. Statements beginning with “you never” or “you always” are attack words. They put a person on the defensive and imply that he or she can never change. “It is just like you to …” (something bad) is a similar statement. It undermines the person and suggests that you are good and he or she is bad.
People insisting on always “having the last word” end up with few friends and convince almost no one. No one likes a totally one-sided relationship. Repeated abuse of this kind will eventually lead to resentment that will keep growing worse until one of the persons “explodes.” Then it may be too late. The little problem that developed into a huge one over time will now take a long time for healing to occur.
Some people who do not get their way are “sore losers” and “hold a grudge.” They get back at the other person by pushing him or her away. After the fight, they do not accept the agreement graciously. They may withhold marital relations. They may pout. They may separate for a period of time. Persons in this kind of situation should seriously consider the negative consequences of this kind of attitude and ask themselves if this is really what they want.
Fighting should never include any physical or verbal abuse. This is not ever justified. Both partners need to feel safe, even when disagreeing.
Discussion
Describe a way in which one of the above tactics damaged a relationship.
Individual answers. Have each person give a real-life example for one of the “never dos” just studied and explain how such actions were damaging.
Which one do you personally have the most concern about?
Individual answers. Women often complain about being intimidated by verbal and emotional abuse which leaves them feeling isolated and alone.
SPIRITUAL-AWARENESS ALLOW MINUTES 25
While the Bible does not specifically deal at length with handling disputes between husbands and wives, it does have much to say about conflict in general. Even the godly were subject to disagreements, and we can learn from their stories and how they coped.
David was wronged by a jealous King Saul. Saul tried to kill David, but David refused to kill “God’s anointed” even when he had the chance (1 Samuel 24). In the end Saul was killed in battle and David took his throne. God intervened. David did not try to right a wrong with another wrong even though he was clearly in the right. David showed respect even in extreme circumstances. Should we not show the same for the person we married?
Discussion
How would you answer the above question?
Get them to at least think about this.
Explain the importance of showing respect when disagreeing with a partner.
Respect is one of the most important things we can give a person. All of us want it, but it has to be given freely, not demanded. The problem will not go away until you listen.
Moses, Aaron, and Miriam were godly brothers and sister. All were used of God. Each disappointed God in some point in their life. At times they did not get along. Aaron led the people into idolatry while Moses was up on the mountain getting the message from God. Even with this, Moses and God did not disown Aaron. Aaron was still chosen as the head of the priesthood. Later Aaron and Miriam became jealous and resentful of Moses’ prominence and position. Both were punished by God, but again, Moses did not disown them.
Discussion
What does the previous tell us about conflict among godly people?
It is going to happen, even among godly people, siblings, and married partners. We should still love each other in spite of his or her shortcomings.
What are the implications for two godly people who love each other?
They are going to work through their conflict and continue to love each other. They will be unselfish and hold up their end of the relationship regardless of whether the other one does or not (show characteristics of I Corinthians 13, see page 14, Section 2).
APPLICATION ALLOW MINUTES 25
Discussion Exercise
The following scenarios represent one or more points presented in this lesson. Analyze each as a group and come up with recommendations.
Encourage group members to respond with as little prompting as possible. Do not read or give the suggested answers until the group has had a chance to think for itself and to respond. It will be enlightening and interesting to hear the group’s reasoning. It should be encouraged.
Situation 1
Kyle and Jennifer are thinking of marriage. They are madly in love with each other and cannot wait for the wedding date. What kind of planning should they do in the way of addressing how they will resolve their conflicts?
They should come up with some kind of plan that they develop and makes sense to them. It should address the areas that are of most concern. It should address who does what and under what circumstances.
Situation 2
Melissa has been taught that a good Christian girl submits to her husband and she has not thought much about conflict in marriage. As a concerned friend, how would you advise her?
She should realize that conflict is going to happen and that she should be prepared for it. Being a submissive wife does not mean that she has to be a doormat or will be able to avoid conflict by just being submissive. She should realize that conflict is a normal part of living and is not in itself a sign that she or the relationship is doomed. The conflict can draw her closer to her husband if both learn how to work out their differences in love.
Situation 3
Henry has been taught all his life that Christians marry for life and divorce is not an option. Now he finds himself divorced after his wife had an affair, divorced him, and is now married to someone else. There are now disagreements over custody of the children and money. As a Christian, how should Henry handle this?
He should show grace, love, and respect. He should not use these issues to interfere with care for the children and what is best for them.
Situation 4
John and Mary are Christians. They have been married for twenty-five years and all of the children are now grown and have moved out of the house. They have put up with each other for years and now resent each other. They want a divorce. They have never had a harsh word between them. How might they have benefited if they had learned how to “fight fair” across the years of their marriage?
They could have been drawing closer with better communication instead of drifting farther apart. Sadly, their avoidance of facing the conflict realistically made it worse.
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group.
1. “Fighting fair” means…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: True, E: False
T or F a. anything goes because all is fair in love and war.
T or F b. couples should not ever have any conflict
This is totally unrealistic.
T or F c. it is all right for a Christian to fight if the partner is not a Christian.
Each is to be respected whether both are Christians or not.
T or F d. it is all right to fight if you have been wronged.
Problems should be resolved regardless of who is at fault.
T or F e. None of the above. The godly person should never fight.
2. If two people truly love each other, they…
A: True, B: False, C: False, D: False
T or F a. will still have serious disagreements.
T or F b. will never have a serious disagreement.
This is an unrealistic expectation.
T or F c. can learn how to avoid disagreements altogether.
T or F d. will never feel a need to defend their positions.
They will if they become truly close.
3. “Good” fighting could include…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: False, E: False
T or F a. the occasional fist fight.
T or F b. fighting when you are right and your partner is wrong.
This is selfish and contradicts I Corinthians 13.
T or F c. standing your ground every time you are wronged.
T or F d. fighting when your partner does not respect you.
There should be mutual respect.
T or F e. bringing up all the problems of the relationship at the same time because the time is right.
This is a formula for total disaster. It is hard enough to solve problems one at a time. Conflict resolution will only come as the couple stays focused.
4. Two people should reconsider marrying if…
A: False, B: Both True and False, C: True, D: True
T or F a. they have ever had a disagreement.
T or F b. they do not feel comfortable with the way differences have been handled.
T or F c. one of them always puts the other down.
T or F d. one of them always has to have the “last word.”
5. What are some of the positive benefits of “fighting fair?”
A: True, B: True, C: True, D: False
T or F a. having a more intimate relationship.
T or F b. having more peace and harmony..
In the long run, there will be better understanding and respect.
T or F c. address issues without damaging the relationship.
T or F d. There are no positive benefits whatsoever.
DATING AND MARRIAGE
Communication
Good Communication Does Not Just Happen
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
SESSION
ALLOW MINUTES 10
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
Everyone likes the benefits of good and smooth communication, but not everyone is willing to pay the price for it. It is wonderful to have a loving partner who understands you and listens to you, but both people need to be involved in order to keep the relationship vibrant and not one-sided. Lesson 5 dealt with each person submitting to the other in love. Lesson 6 was about how to resolve differences peacefully. These provide a good foundation for this lesson and a healthy relationship based on effective communications. The rewards for those who take the time are great. We live in a lonely world. We all need someone to connect to and share with. The marriage relationship should be a natural for this. Most couples at least start out with this goal even if they fall by the wayside later on when the stresses and pressures of life divert them.
Discussion
Discuss your dream for your relationship.
Individual responses. Do not dwell on this too long.
Expressing yourself in the previous exercise is itself a form of communication. You were connecting with yourself and sorting out your thoughts. It works the same way when connecting to other people. You have to work at it. It just does not happen by itself.
SELF-AWARENESS ALLOW MINUTES 25
Listen
Good communicators are good listeners. In fact, being a good listener is often more important than being a good conversationalist. Everyone likes people who listen to them. Finding people who will really listen to others is much harder. Really listening means caring enough to take the necessary time and effort required to understand the other person. Sometimes it may be tedious because that person may ramble on or be boring. Maybe you are not even interested in the topic. You must not tune him or her out, however. If you do, you
will lose a connection to that person and fall short in understanding what is important to him or her. Do not be fooled into thinking that you can appear to be listening when your mind is on something else. This may work for a little while, but eventually the truth will be known.
The two keys to better listening are taking the necessary time and effort and focusing on the other person’s conversation more than on your own. Remember the lesson on submission? A close relationship will require you to unselfishly and seriously listen to your partner.
Discussion
Describe a situation where being a good listener paid off for you.
Individual Responses. Expect some hesitation and delayed responses.
Describe a situation where it was hard to listen, but you did it anyway.
Common responses are: at work, all the time, and with prisoners. Ask participants about the rewards of doing this.
Paraphrase
Sometimes couples assume too much. One person may think that the other should completely understand what was just said because it should have been understood the first time. Feelings get hurt even more if the point had to be made over and over. When the other person does not “get it”, the partner becomes angry and blames the partner for not caring and showing love. The other person has clearly chosen to ignore him or her. In reality, it may not be the other person’s fault at all. Just thinking that someone has been perfectly clear does not make it so. It only means that person who spoke it understands what was said. Many people are totally unaware of how hard it is to really communicate with another person, especially a loved one or someone close to them.
There is a test to see if we have made our point. It is called paraphrasing. In paraphrasing one person makes a point and asks the other person to put it into his or her own words. Those who have done this find it is very revealing. What seemed to be such a simple matter may actually be part of something much larger with many facets and tentacles. There may even be surprise and frustration about the time and effort needed to clear up even apparently little points. Paraphrasing is especially useful in areas where the communications have tended to break down.
It is a powerful tool when there is a sincere effort to really improve the situation. Its usefulness has been known for a long time now, but many couples still are unaware of it. Some of the underlying reasons for the need to paraphrase are:
• Much of what we say is not understood by other people
• It is easy for people to misunderstand us, even when we think we have made the issue perfectly clear
• It takes love and effort to successfully communicate
• Failure to communicate leads to frustration and loss of hope
Discussion
The purpose of this exercise is to illustrate how to develop skills in communicating better by paraphrasing. Sometimes the simplest instructions may be misunderstood. Effective communication requires patience and persistence on the part of both partners.
In groups of two, practice paraphrasing by having one person give directions from their home to the closest park. Then have the other person repeat the directions. Then reverse roles. Then share your experience with the group.
Participants may want to focus on their thoughts rather than on the process. Explain that the exercise should show them that even simple communication tasks can actually be more complicated than they seem. It shows the need for patience and effort in both listening and explaining.
Journal
Another helpful technique is journaling. Journaling is simply keeping a record of your thoughts by writing them down. When you do this, you start analyzing the thought connections. This in turn leads to better problem solving. The problem-solving, which could help resolve conflicts and misunderstandings, often does not get done. How can it get done when no time is spent on it and no problem is seen? In our selfish culture, there is too much “me” and too little “you” in our relationships. If we really want better communication in our close relationships, journaling can help. If nothing else, it will help each person to be a better communicator. If both partners do it, it is even better. For maximum effectiveness, each person would first do his or her own personal journaling. Then they would share their journals with each other.
Discussion
Ask if anyone in your group has used journaling to improve his or her communication skills. Ask him or her to share with you some of the benefits of doing this.
Individual answers.
Pray
Husbands or husbands-to-be should pray for their partners. Women need it even if they do not ask for it or even want to participate themselves. It shows spiritual leadership. It also shows love. Caring for someone enough to pray for him or her is itself an act of communication. Not all communication is spoken. Women should also pray for their men for some of the same reasons. Ideally, they will pray both as individuals and together.
One part of prayer is asking for God’s help. That is something that we all need. Prayer can include asking for “help in the time of trouble” (Psalms 46:1). We gain new hope about the future of ourselves and our relationship.
Have the group answer these questions without looking for any particular answer. Let the group explore and think on its own.
How will prayer for your partner help you to better communicate with him or her?
It can change each of you. If you are already talking to God about your partner, you can help to better do your part or understand your role. You can ask for patience and understanding.
How will praying together help? What things would you pray for?
You will add God to the conversation. Each will hear the other’s prayer for the other. Each will be supported by the other. Typical responses might be: some feel uncomfortable doing it, though they would like it if they did it; some prayers are so personal that you do not want to share these. The scriptures say that we are to pray for anything and everything. There are no limits except that it must be compatible with God’s will and nature.
Give an example of how God answered your prayer for better communications in your relationship.
Short personal answers. They should focus on prayer for better communication and understanding. One response was “I learned how to express my feelings openly and without fear.”
SPIRITUAL-AWARENESS
Write down your thoughts as to the meaning of each of the following scriptures as they relate to this lesson and be prepared to discuss them in your group. Also bring in points from the other lessons. It all ties together.
James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (NIV)
We need to learn to be quiet. We must be very patient and unselfish. This requires conscious effort. Typical answers are: trouble with road rage, this would be a perfect world if everyone did this, and there is a real need for this.
Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (NIV)
Good communication happens when both people show love and respect. Respect is very important.
1 Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. (NIV)
In God’s kingdom, no one dominates another for selfish advantage. This is not a minor teaching of the New Testament, it is a major one. All of the writers of the New Testament, including Christ himself, emphasize this. Participants in our pilot program said “things would be wonderful” if people did this.
1 Peter 3:9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. (NIV)
We should not think like “street people” in marriage or in any other area. We gain harmony, respect, and dignity more by how we act than by what we demand.
1 Peter 3:10 For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech…” (NIV)
We must be choose our words carefully, remembering that “it is not what you say, it is how you say it.” The rewards of doing this are great. A typical response was: the bad things do not make things better, but makes you unhappy.
Psalms 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. (NIV)
The Christian has a resource and source of help that is very real. When both partners seek help together, it is beautiful and blessed. This is a message of comfort.
1 Peter 3:11 He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. (NIV)
We must be willing to admit it when we have been wrong and to make changes. We must not sulk and wallow in pity but actively seek to resolve differences. We are told that we “must seek peace” and “pursue it.”
APPLICATION ALLOW MINUTES 25
Discussion Exercise
The Scenario below represents one or more points presented in this lesson. Analyze it as a group and come up with recommendations.
Situation
Charles and Joan cannot understand why the other person does not understand the simplest conversational points even though they have been brought up over and over. Discussion has seemed to go nowhere and now they are just not talking at all. They are angry at each other and wonder what has gone wrong. They note that this has been going on for a long time now and is getting worse. A counselor suggests that they should start by dealing with a single issue and use paraphrasing until they reach agreement. They try this but discussion goes on for half the night before agreement is reached on a seemingly minor point. Even some anger was shown. The counselor says this is healthy and certainly not unusual. Communication is much harder than it seems.
Allow for free discussion. Point out that many wrong assumptions were made. This exercise can be used to review the many points of this lesson. Two discussion formats may be chosen: use groups of two or the group as a whole.
What are some of the wrong assumptions made by this couple?
…that “simple” disagreements are sometimes not really simple. Talking is going on without producing any understanding. Not everyone will understand the point you are trying to make.
What is the danger of ignoring the little problems that come up?
They become bigger problems which become harder to solve.
How are hope and expectations involved?
It is important that they do not give up. It will get easier if they work at it.
How do the partners show love to each other by being good listeners?
It gives them respect and sends a message more powerful than any brilliant comments they might make.
Discuss some of the principles that the Bible gives us about good communications in marriage. List verses and give an example for each.
Good examples are:
(James 1:19) Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
(Proverbs 15: 1-2) A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group.
1. Good listening…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: True, E: True
T or F a. means that you only have to hear something once, act on it, and then move on.
Effective communication is more complicated than that.
T or F b. is a skill that you develop where it becomes unnecessary to ask a person to explain some thing that was said.
You will never outgrow your need to ask for explanation.You may get better at it, but you will never get it right every time without further clarification.
T or F c. is only possible if it is mutual.
T or F d. is as important as expressing yourself clearly.
T or F e. sends a nonverbal message that the other person’s thoughts are worth listening to.
2. Two people have discussed an issue at length. There was considerable debate and disagreement over what the other had just said. It took a long time to resolve the issue. From this description, it is likely that …
A: False, B: False, C: True, D: True
T or F a. they will never get anywhere that way.
T or F b. they are lacking mentally and emotionally.
T or F c. they are on the right track.
T or F d. there is hope for them.
3. Paraphrasing means that you…
A: False, B: False, C: True, D: True, E: False
T or F a. tell the other person what is on your mind.
T or F b. learn to say things in as few words as possible.
T or F c. come up with several ways to say the same thing.
T or F d. ask someone to repeat what you just said in his or her own words.
T or F e. both talk at the same time.
4. Marilyn thinks journaling will help their relationship but Bob does not want anything to do with it. Marilyn should…
A: False, B: False, C: True, D: False, E: True
T or F a. have a “righteous indignation” because she is more spiritual and mature than Bob.
Having an attitude like this will guarantee trouble for the relationship.
T or F b. tell Bob it is no wonder the marriage is in trouble.
These words put Bob on the defensive and prevent anything good from coming out of the discussion.
T or F c. pray for Bob.
T or F d. be Bob’s “doormat.”
T or F e. still do the journaling for herself.
5. The Bible gives us good and practical advice about the right way to communicate. Which of the following are examples of this?
T or F a. Cain killed Abel.
T or F b. Abel raised “Cain.”
T or F c. We are to be compassionate.
T or F d. We are to watch what we say.
T or F e. We should not overreact.
A: False, B: False, C: True, D: True, E: True
DATING AND MARRIAGE
Commitment
Beyond Selfishness
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
SESSION
ALLOW MINUTES 10
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
We live in a selfish world. Self interest is everywhere. Few seem interested in doing something for someone else unless that person does something for them. Conditions apply to every act of giving. Self-interest is so widespread that even Christians get drawn into this pattern of thinking. It is even worse among those who think with “the criminal mind.” To them, demanding respect and getting what they want from other people is a part of their survival.
All of this selfishness, though, is not the Christian way. Our lesson on love and the “love chapter” (1 Corinthians 13) taught us that love is more about what we give to others than what they give to us. The submission lesson showed that there are times when we all need to submit to and respect the other person. “Fighting fair” illustrated how differences could be settled in a way that shows respect for the other person’s thoughts and feelings. In the last lesson, communication, we saw that couples should learn to be patient and spend the time and effort necessary to really understand each other.
Discussion
Discuss how selfishness and the Christian message do not mix.
There are many answers to this. Christians do not hear many messages about selfishness. If we are selfish, we are not following God closely. We are supposed to be kind to others.
Discuss the implications of selfishness for the dating couple.
It can cause breakup. It can lead to one-sidedness and become a barrier between you and God. If we are just in it to see what we can get out of it, it is not going to be a very loving experience.
Discuss the implications of selfishness for the married couple.
Sometimes selfishness is hidden until marriage. This topic needs to be taught to teenagers. It can cause the marriage to fail and the children to suffer.
Selfishness is often the reason why people avoid commitment to each other. Personal selfishness is often the “blind spot” in the relationship. The lack of commitment and the fear of it is the topic for our lesson today. Being one-sided does not work. If the dating relationship is one-sided, it should be broken off. If the marriage is one-sided, it should be worked on in hope of saving it.
Discussion
What are some of the reasons why couples do not make commitments to each other?
Selfishness, fear, lack of trust, lack of real love, never had to, do not know what commitment is, do not want to lose freedom, or they are unstable themselves. Reasons for fear include fear of getting hurt and afraid of getting too close.
How can lack of commitment hinder a good relationship?
It makes the relationship unstable. The relationship never reaches higher levels of intimacy.
What are some signs that it would be wise to break off a dating relationship?
Answers will vary. Typical responses: lack of commitment, drugs, no trust, physical or emotional abuse, religious incompatibility, jealousy, or possessiveness. Glaring problems should not be ignored. It becomes dangerous when there are no agreements.
SELF-AWARENESS ALLOW MINUTES 25
Commitment in Christian Dating
As Christians, we all have a commitment to respect and be honest with each other. This includes the area of dating. A commitment to another person as a human being means that there will be no expectation for sexual favors to be traded for a nice meal or night out. On the other hand, one person should not lead the other into thinking that there is more to the relationship than there really is. One person does not play on the feelings of the other. Each is honest and straightforward with the other.
Discussion
If two people are dating, what are some of the ways in which they should show commitment to each other?
Sample answers are: dating each other exclusively, being on time, interested in the other person’s interests, kind, observant, complimentary, not pushy, respectful. They should follow through with actions that show that commitment.
Why is the type and level of commitment between dating partners important?
There can be great hurt if the couple is not honest about each person’s level of commitment. The commitment is deeper when each can trust the other with his or her weaknesses and trust can be built on getting to know the person better. Commitment will carry on into the marriage and affect the security and respect felt by each partner. There must be honest agreement about commitment where a parent is being cared for and living at home or if children are being raised.
Commitment in Christian Marriage
Once individuals marry, it should be for life. Nearly everyone starts out with that in mind, but many fall by the wayside when the pressures and realities of life set in. Everyone knows how common divorce is, but not everyone is willing to make the commitment to make the marriage work. Many marriages could be saved if more effort were put into them. This commitment to each other should be sacred. Commitment should be viewed as a privilege rather than a burden.
Marital commitment is a beautiful thing. A common phrase is used to express the kind of world that we get when it is lacking. It is called “dog eat dog.” Couples sometimes go to great lengths to avoid being too committed to each other. This is sad. Where else in this lonely world do we find the “committed until death” idea? Commitment in marriage is the very thing that will make life stable and secure. It may require a great deal of love, sacrifice, and patience, but it is worth it.
Discussion
If a man and woman are to live together, why is it important for them to get married first?
It is the godly and right thing to do. It is the mindset that proves commitment and promotes security. It settles the issue of whether the other person will marry you or not and whether the other person will leave you when unexpected pregnancies or child support issues arise.
Why is commitment between marriage partners so important?
It is a holy vow to God and a contract with society. A person should be able to trust a partner, no matter what. It has to be there every day and every moment.
Our society is full of suggestions that having sex with dating partners or with someone not your spouse is not only acceptable, it is expected. This has cheapened the intimacy and bonding that the sex experience should bring. This relationship intended to be between a husband and a wife loses its special value if commitment is not involved. By being selfish, something very valuable is lost.
More than one person commented to me after I lost my wife that “I wish I had a marriage like that.” I think they were talking about the commitment.
What steps could you take to strengthen the commitment of your relationship?
The pilot groups came up with these fine suggestions: watch how you talk about each other, improve communication, listen more and better, be committed to God, be content with the real situation, and make adjustment on a regular basis, be more patient and understanding, see both sides, wait until marriage, and work on communication.
SPIRITUAL-AWARENESS ALLOW MINUTES 25
Answer each of the questions related to the following scriptures.
Matthew 19:2-9 Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there. Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (NIV)
In this scripture, what importance did Jesus put upon a husband’s commitment to his marriage?
It is a highest priority and serious business. The casual way in which many people treat marriage is wrong. Note: be prepared that your group may want to get sidetracked into discussions about church teachings on divorce and remarriage. If this happens, explain that different church groups have different views on this and that it is not the purpose of the class to decide which is right. Discussion should focus on what they agree on: that making the marriage work is important and that divorce should never be viewed as an easy way out. Divorcing your spouse just because you think someone else might be better should be unthinkable to the Christian. Christ, our example, is committed to us through thick and thin, and we should be like him. A man’s word to his wife has got to be good.
How did Jesus indicate that not all marriages would make it? Why would they not make it?
He indicated that divorce was and is all too common. Divorce often happens because people are so selfish and cold-hearted and are lacking in commitment to each other.
Matthew 5:31-32 It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. (NIV)
This scripture is a part of the “Sermon on the Mount.” In the first part of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus talked about the “blesseds” (blessed are the poor in spirit, meek, etc.). In the second part, from where this scripture was taken, the emphasis is on “but I tell you.” Each section (murder, adultery, divorce, etc.) starts with “It has been said” and finishes with a “but I tell you” teaching. In each case, Jesus’ commands went
beyond the commonly understood interpretations. He was emphasizing something that was really important.
Again, do not let the group get sidetracked into fruitless arguments about various church stands on the subject of divorce and remarriage. Each of the following questions has been designed to keep focus on the central theme of the importance of commitment and making a marriage work.
What does this scripture tell us about wife swapping or sex for hire?
It is unthinkable. It flies in the face of everything that scriptures teach about love and commitment.
Who will God blame for the sins of others that occur when a husband divorces his wife for no good reason?
God will blame the husband. He is responsible for not just himself but for everybody around him that he damages.
Jeremiah 3:20 But like a woman unfaithful to her husband, so you have been unfaithful to me, O house of Israel,” declares the LORD. (NIV)
How important is sexual purity in marriage relationship? How is it like our relationship to God?
It is sacred to the Christian. It is a picture of what our devotion to God should look like. There is nothing greater than this kind of commitment.
APPLICATION ALLOW MINUTES 25
Discussion
Below are Scenarios that represent one or more points presented in this lesson. Analyze each as a group and come up with recommendations.
Situation 1
Tonya has been living with her boyfriend for three years now. She would like to be married, but her boyfriend does not seem interested. How should she handle this?
She should face the fact that a marriage commitment is unlikely. She should stop letting the boyfriend live with her. This arrangement displeases God and prevents something better from even being possible. She should realize the importance of mutual commitment outweighs any other if a relationship is to last.
Situation 2
John and Sally are married but there is no spark left between them. They do not even like each other. It has been suggested that they see a counselor, but they do not see any point in it. How would you, as a friend, explain that they should give it a try? Why might there still be some hope for them?
Their vows of commitment, Christian values of love and concern, and their desire to please God should be enough for them to make every effort. Most likely, the marriage can be saved if the right things are done. The counselor may be able show them new ways of doing and viewing things that will start things moving in a different direction. The Christian message is “do not give up so soon.” The couple may eventually rediscover love that they were sure they had lost. If they do not try, there is not much hope. God would be pleased if they do try.
Situation 3
Tony and Joan have been living together while unmarried for twenty years. Now that they have started living for God, they are confused as to what they should do. What should they do?
They should not continue living together while being unmarried. This would be a good time for them to consider how committed they really are to each other. They should get married or separate.
Situation 4
Tom and Beth are a married couple, and both have had many extra-marital affairs. They are wondering if it is too late for them now. How could you encourage them?
It is never too late. This would be a wonderful time for them to set new priorities and attitudes about commitment. Their marriage could be better than ever if the right things are done. Christ teaches repentance and forgiveness. Beautiful things can happen when we turn to God and observe his principles.
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group.
1. Commitment between two dating persons…
A: True, B: True, C: False, D: False, E: False
T or F a. needs to exist because each deserves respect.
T or F b. may take the form of giving in to the other.
T or F c. does not apply because they are not married.
We are all committed to love others whether married or not. We are to treat others with respect and love.
T or F d. is not necessary as long as no one gets hurt.
T or F e. means that neither will have to say he or she is sorry.
2. If one dating partner wants a commitment and the other does not, the couple should…
A: False, B: False, C: True, D: False
T or F a. live together for another year to see if things will change.
This kind of relationship does not usually lead to marriage. They should not live together without commitment and marriage.
T or F b. just continue on as before and not bring up the things that would just cause more conflict.
T or F c. be practical and end the relationship.
They should end this type of living relationship.
T or F d. None of the above. This is more complicated than it seems.
3. The Bible teaches that divorce…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: False, E: False
T or F a. is never justified.
T or F b. is a good option when one person stops meeting the needs of the other.
T or F c. is all right if you find someone else and that person will marry you if you legally divorce your partner first.
T or F d. is all right if the other person is not a Christian.
T or F e. None of the above. The Bible does not say anything about divorce.
4. Many marriages could be saved if…
A: True, B: True, C: True or False, D: True
T or F a. each partner became more unselfish.
T or F b. one of the partners became more unselfish.
T or F c. the mother-in-law would stop coming over so much.
Sometimes true.
T or F d. each person stopped blaming the other for the failure of the marriage.
5. Why is commitment a beautiful thing?
T or F a. It is a refreshing alternative to living in a lonely world.
T or F b. It reflects God’s faithfulness to us.
T or F c. It encourages closeness and intimacy.
T or F d. None of the above. There has already been too much emphasis on commitment in marriage.
A: True, B: True, C: True, D: False
DATING AND MARRIAGE
Unequally Yoked
Taking Care of First Things First
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
SESSION
ALLOW MINUTES 10
Get-acquainted time and prayer for God to be with us and use us to help one another.
All of us have made bad decisions which were made more on wishful thinking than on common sense at some point in our lives. Dating is an area where this happens more often than it should and people get hurt. The consequences of misguided judgments in choosing a marriage partner can haunt us for a lifetime.
People around us tell us that we just need to find compatible partners and everything will be all right. There is a “Mr. Right” or “Miss Right” for everyone. All we have to do is find him or her. We teach our children fairy book stories about Cinderella and perfect matches. It is not as simple as that in real life. All the “Prince Charmings” and “Cinderellas” come with flaws. They disagree with one another. They have different priorities. They come with their own agendas.
When the pressures of life press on them, a couple must face reality and figure out how they will pull the load of responsibilities together. This includes things like raising children, making and managing money, dayto-day life, and spiritual commitment. Life is hard enough if the person you are attached to pulls his or her share of the load. It is much harder when he or she does not.
This lesson, then, is about priorities. It is about deciding which compatibilities are really important and which ones are less important.
Discussion
Look at the list of compatibility items below and rank them in order of priority to you would give a potential date interested in a friendship.
1. ___ enjoys the out of doors
2. ___ likes to take trips
3. ___ likes the same kind of music
4. ___ is a dedicated Christian
5. ___ is kind
6. ___ is respectful
7. ___ likes the same kind of toothpaste
8. ___ likes long walks
9. ___ is free of drug and alcohol addition
10. ___ is honest
11. ___ is consistent
12. ___ is physically attractive
Why did you make the choices that you did?
Would any of these priorities change if the relationship became serious?
Very likely. Have participants write out their answers below or on a blackboard. Then compare. Spend enough time on this question and the one below to get all participants thinking and contributing.
Individual answers. Probably physical attraction would become less important and emotional support would become more important. How would they change?
SELF-AWARENESS
ALLOW MINUTES 25
Our lesson today will focus on the more serious hindrances to happiness and fulfillment.
“Unequally Yoked” Dating
Dating is a period when people can find out if they are really compatible or not. Here are some things that should really give us concern.
Drug and Alcohol Addiction
Sometimes people are drawn together because they both have the same problem. They reason that at least they understand each other. This is hardly a compatibility. It is like the blind leading the blind. As the Bible says, they will both end up in the ditch. Sometimes only one person has the problem, but this puts a drain on the person that does not have it. Addictions are often persistent and hard to overcome. Many have had to go through a lifetime of heartbreak because they overlooked the power that addictions had over their loved ones.
Abuse
Abuse comes in many forms. We are all familiar with physical battering, but some of us are less familiar with verbal abuse and neglect. Verbal abuse is when a person is subjected to constant “put downs” and accusations. Neglect is when a person is ignored or basic needs are not provided for.
No Shared Spiritual Goals
On the surface, having no shared spiritual goals looks like something that could be worked out. This may be true if neither person is religious or cares about God in his or her life. If it is important, however, it may mean that many of the other compatibility issues are not nearly as important as this one. One person lives his or her whole life for God and the other is not interested or is even hostile.
Discussion
Give an example for each of the incompatibilities mentioned above where someone you know ignored them while dating and went ahead and married the person anyway.
Individual answers. This can be very serious.
Did the problem go away after they got married?
Individual answers, but basically no.
“Unequally Yoked” Marriage
People who marry people who have or will have addiction or abuse problems will have their hands full. They will have the normal problems of life to deal with on top of these unwanted special ones. The couples are not compatible. They are “unequally yoked” with one person not pulling his or her load. Worse, one partner may be pulling against the other. The conflict may be so severe that living together may no longer be a viable option.
One of the problems with addictions and abuse is that they often get worse as time goes on. During the dating phase, accommodations are made because both people wanted the relationship to succeed. After marriage, the addicted or abusive person often relaxes and these bad flaws begin to show themselves. The “injured” party may feel trapped and feel even more insecure. The divide between them becomes greater and greater.
Discussion
How serious is it if one of the marriage partners has an addiction or abuse problem?
Very serious but would even be worse if both have an addiction problem.
How should the couple deal with this?
Attend a support group together. They should also pray and seek God’s help, and seek counseling.
Spiritual compatibility is one of the most overlooked areas of conflict. One person may tolerate the other’s spirituality for a time, but the differences between them may grow over time and become serious.
Discussion
Discuss a situation, without naming a name, of a believer who married a nonbeliever and hoped to to convert him or her after the wedding?
Explain how it turned out.
In most cases, conversion does not happen after the marriage ceremony and things just get worse. Poorly.
SPIRITUAL-AWARENESS
ALLOW MINUTES 25
The Bible instructs us that “unequally yoked” marriages will have serious problems related to the believer/ unbeliever compatibility. It warns the believer to avoid this situation by not marrying an unbeliever. It also gives practical advice about the believer’s priorities when the spouse is an unbeliever. It shows how to balance the principles of marital commitment and love with service to God.
Discuss the compatibility issues in each of the following passages.
1 Corinthians 7:39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. (NIV).
The only compatibility mentioned and required is a spiritual one.
1 Corinthians 7:12-13 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. (NIV).
A believer is not permitted to divorce a non-believer just because that person is a non-believer.
1 Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. (NIV).
“Sanctified” means “made holy.” This verse is a powerful statement about the power of a believing spouse. The unbeliever is blessed by the believer. Also, children need both parents.
1 Corinthians 7:15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (NIV)
Leaving does not always imply divorce. If anyone divorces due to spiritual conflict, it should be the non-believer who initiates it. The believer should try to make it work. The scriptures are practical, however, and recognize that divorce cannot always be avoided.
1 Corinthians 7:16-17 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. (NIV)
Try to save your spouse by staying with him or her. We should learn to be more content with our circumstances and see them as opportunities for service to God. Again, the Bible is very clear that commitment and marriage are serious business. Marriage should not be entered into lightly. This does not mean you have to ignore or put up with abuse.
APPLICATION ALLOW MINUTES 25
Discussion Exercise
Below are Scenarios that represent one or more points presented in this lesson. Analyze each as a group and come up with recommendations.
Situation 1
Joshua and Jennifer are madly in love with one another. Jennifer knows that Joshua has not committed his life to God but figures she will win him over after they get married. Their love is so good that she is sure that it will all work out. She can even be the agent God uses to bring Him to Christ. What could be more wonderful?
A believer is not to marry a non-believer. Jennifer’s wishful thinking has a high probability of turning into a possible lifetime of stress, incompatibility, and regret. She should not be deluded into thinking that this kind of relationship would be best for her. She should give serious thought to how important having a godly spouse is to her.
Situation 2
Tony and Jessica are both alcoholics but they feel they are good for one another because they both want to quit and if they marry they will be able to help each other quit. At least they understand each other.
Having to deal with one alcoholic in the family is hard enough. Having two is doomed for failure. It appears that their expectations are so low that they do not see themselves a worthy partner to a non-addicted person. They should both seek help individually and possibly go to a treatment center. After they have overcome their addiction, they would be in a better position to marry or consider it.
Situation 3
Harry has made life miserable for his wife Tonya because of her Christian faith. He constantly criticizes her every time she goes to or does something for the Church and is very resentful of the time that her devotion to God takes away from him. It is getting worse.
Tonya must be sure that she does not resent her husband or do unloving things that provoke him or cause him to be resentful. This must be balanced with staying true to her commitment to God. Because the situation is getting worse she should seek a pastor, trusted friend, or counselor to get an outside opinion and fresh ideas.
Situation 4
Peter and Mary have been married for twenty-five years and all of the children are now grown and have moved out of the house. Peter has been a devout Christian all of his life but Mary has had no use for his religion. Now that the children are grown, Mary wants out.
Peter should try to salvage the marriage if there is any hope. If she still walks out or files for divorce, he should let her go and not fret about it. He has done everything that he possibly could.
Choose True or False for each question below. Share your answers with the group.
1. Dick and Jane are dating and each is struggling with alcohol addiction. They should…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: False
T or F a. get married as soon as possible to see if they can help each other kick the habit.
T or F b. move in together but hold off on marriage until one of them kicks the habit.
T or F c. move in together but hold off on marriage until both of them kick the habit.
T or F d. see Spot run.
They should run away from being in a relationship where EITHER is addicted because (1) this is a serious problem that can destroy the relationship and (2) continuing the relationship may enable and encourage the other person do be even more addicted.
2. Robert and Kaitlyn have been dating for two years and have just recently become engaged. Now they are having conflict over sports. Kaitlyn loves the out-of-doors and loves to spend as much time as possible there. The only sport that Robert likes is sitting on the couch and watching football. All other things being equal, how serious a problem is this?
A: False, B: True, C: False, D: False
T or F a. This is so small that it is not even an issue.
This issue, like so many others like it, is important enough to be discussed and some type of agreement reached or compromise worked out.
T or F b. It could become a large issue but it could be worked out if both parties were willing.
T or F c. This is a very serious issue. They are incompatible.
T or F d. It is very serious because Robert’s watching football means that he is lazy and no good.
3. Tom and Elizabeth have been dating for two years and have just recently become engaged. Now they are having conflict over religion. Elizabeth is a born again Christian and Tom is not. Tom is resentful of the time that Elizabeth’s faith takes away from their time together but figures that things will get better after they get married. Elizabeth loves Tom but sees him coming to God after they are married and she is a godly influence on him.
A: False, B: False, C: True, D: True
T or F a. This is so small that it is not even an issue.
T or F b. It could become a large issue but it could be worked out if both parties were willing.
It already is a large issue that will become worse after marriage. She is deluded in thinking that it will magically get better after they get married.
T or F c. This is a very serious issue. They are incompatible.
T or F d. It is very serious because something this important should have already been resolved by now.
4. Harry and Theresa have been married two years and the conflict over her service to God has become so intense that she does not know whether she can stand it any longer. She should…
A: False, B: False, C: True, D: True
T or F a. end the marriage as soon as possible.
T or F b. wreck his car and spend all his money.
T or F c. try to win him over by being a godly wife.
T or F d. live a godly life even if he does not.
5. James and Joan have been married two years and the conflict between them because of James’ commitment to God first has grown to the point where Joan could not take it anymore and has moved out for the tenth time and filed for divorce. James has sought counseling and pleaded with his wife, but she will hear none of it. The situation has gotten constantly worse and life is totally miserable for both of them. James should…
A: False, B: False, C: False, D: True
T or F a. try harder.
He has already done all that he can and has no basis for blaming himself or questioning his relationship with God.
T or F b. feel guilt for things turning out this way.
T or F c. take responsibility for the failure of the marriage and beg God for forgiveness for his lack of faith.
T or F d. let her go.
APPENDIX
Compatibility Worksheet
INSTRUCTIONS
Look at the list of compatibility items below and rank them in order of priority to you would give a potential date interested in a friendship.
1. ___ enjoys the out of doors
2. ___ likes to take trips
3. ___ likes the same kind of music
4. ___ is a dedicated Christian
5. ___ is kind
6. ___ is respectful
Why did you make the choices that you did?
7. ___ likes the same kind of toothpaste
8. ___ likes long walks
9. ___ is free of drug and alcohol addition
10. ___ is honest
11. ___ is consistent
12. ___ is physically attractive
Queen Esther Maneuver
Preparation
Read the Book of Esther.
Scene 1
Justin and Courtney in a non-stressful moment
Justin and Courtney want a close and secure relationship. Justin tells Courtney that he loves her and cares about her thoughts.
Justin: (gently placing his hands on both of Courtney’s shoulders and looking into her eyes)
“Courtney, I love you and care about you. If I ever become distant and you want to talk, please know that I still care and I want you to remind me of this talk. If necessary, you have permission to get my attention by taking me by the shoulders and asking me to look in your eyes. Good communications between us is very important to me.”
Scene 2
The stressful moment arrives
Courtney wants to talk, but Justin has been putting her off lately and not really listening to her. When he does listen, he goes through the motions but just grunts or says yes or no but does not really communicate at all. Now he is watching television and Courtney is frustrated and asks if they could talk. Justin ignores her. After about two requests, she takes both his shoulders in her hands and asks Justin to look into her eyes. He continues, distracted in his own thoughts. She does it another time, and he asks, “what are you doing?” She reminds him that she needs to talk and she is only doing what they had they had agreed to. Justin says, “I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t realize that. Thanks for reminding me. Let’s talk.”
Atomic Bomb Button
Preparation
Read I Corinthians 7:5
Scene 1
Justin and Courtney are worried that they will hurt each other by careless or hurtful words. Justin and Courtney both have issues that are so sensitive that bringing them up could personally damage the other and destroy the relationship. They talk about what those things might be and agree to never go there no matter how mad they are.
Scene 2
The make up
Justin goes too far and, in the heat of the moment, brings up something from the past that he knows will destroy Courtney. Courtney counterattacks with pressing her own atomic bomb button. Justin comes to himself and stops things from going any further by asking for a truce so he can pray about it. After prayer, he admits he was wrong, asks for forgiveness, and promises to do better.
Settling Differences
Preparation
Read I Corinthians 13.
Scene 1
Short fuse. Long fuse.
Justin is short-tempered and wants to talk things out and come to a solution immediately. Courtney is just the opposite. It takes a lot for her to get angry, but when she does, she can never forget. Then she feels that she is in the right because she never screams and carries on like Justin does. They are tired of the way things have been going and want to come up with a better plan for the future. They agree on a plan that would work for both of them. Justin will stop overpowering Courtney and be more patient. Courtney will stop being so selfrighteous. If either starts down this path again, the other will call out “fuse!” Both will respect each other’s style and work at communicating better.
Scene 2
Defuse
Something happens and Courtney yells, “fuse!” They stop what they are doing, tell each other they love each other, and come to an agreement about when and how they will talk about it.
Disciplining the Kids
Preparation
Proverbs 13:24, Ephesians 6:4
Scene 1
The kids are playing one parent against the other
Justin thinks Courtney is too lax about disciplining the kids and Courtney thinks he is too harsh. They have had words about it and now it is affecting the kids. Justin came from a controlling family and wants to make sure the children show proper respect. Courtney grew up in a quiet, stable home where no one was ever spanked. The kids are angry and unhappy but mostly side with Courtney. Courtney avoids conflict and just lets things go along.
Scene 2
Justin and Courtney take the FIT Practical Parenting class
They go to class for support and information about how to get past this impasse. They are more than halfway there because of their honesty with themselves and each other that this might be worth the time and effort. Raising the kids is too major an issue in their relationship and family to just let things go on as they have been.
Scene 3
They complete the class and apply the personal parenting plan
The class has given them some new strategies to think about as well as new ways to look at them. They share each other’s personal parenting plans and work towards developing a joint approach. They acknowledge where the other was coming from based on their backgrounds and agree to draw the best elements out of both.
Role Play 5
Getting Past the Anger
Have five group members to read the parts of Narrator (reads bold type), Counselor, George, Jennifer, and Pastor Smith
Scene 1
George finds out that Jennifer has cheated on him
George (angry): How could you ever do a thing like this? I have always been there for you.
Jennifer (remorseful): I am so sorry, but I was desperate. There was no communication between us. There was no connection between us, that’s why I did it.
Scene 2
George and Jennifer go to counseling
Counselor: George, you are holding Jennifer’s past over her head. You have to make up your mind as to whether you want your marriage to succeed or not. Either you deal with your anger and forgive her and do your part in helping her with regaining trust or you let your anger destroy you and your marriage. Jennifer, you need to stop lashing back at George every time he digs up your past. This just gets you into an endless argument that doesn’t go anywhere but down.
If things are that bad, you should just walk away.
Scene 3
They have a good week
George: Jennifer, I love you and want to always be there for you.
Jennifer: George, I love you, too. I am very sorry for what I did, but I hope you can forgive me and let me prove my love and faithfulness to you.
George: Let’s go get some ice cream.
Scene 4
The problem resurfaces
George and Jennifer confront each other.
George (angry): You betrayed me that time when you were unfaithful. I can’t get over it. I can’t believe you would ever do that to me.
Jennifer (also angry): I only did it because I was so totally alone and was desperate about our relationship.
Scene 5
George deals with his anger
George goes to Pastor Smith for Counseling
George: Pastor, Jennifer and I are ready to split up because she had an affair a year ago and we can’t get past it.
Pastor Smith: I am sorry about that, but regardless, you still need to deal with your own anger and unforgiveness. The fact that you have been coming to me for the last several months shows that you do care about your marriage and still love Jennifer, but even if your marriage doesn’t work out, if you keep feeding your anger, it will destroy you.
You need to seriously consider the message of Philippians 4:8.
In the Living Bible translation, the Apostle Paul, who was unjustly in prison had this to say: 8 And now, brothers, as I close this letter, let me say this one more thing: Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about.
The Message translation says it this way: 8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
George, mulling the same thing over and over reinforces it in your mind, whether good or bad. You have the power to control your own anger by forcing yourself to think about the positive things and stay away from the things that make you angry. The path of thinking good things about Jennifer and avoiding the negative will not only help you to interact with her in a more positive way but with also help you deal with your own anger issues.
Let’s have prayer for God’s help.
George: Thank you, pastor. You have given me some important things to think about. It is hard for me to admit, even to myself, that my anger has been such a problem and so hard to deal with. If the Apostle Paul could write those words of encouragement when suffering so wrongly, I guess I could break my own cycle of negative thinking about Jennifer and start forcing myself to concentrate on her fine qualities. I am going home right now and tell Jennifer about our session, how I love her, forgive her, and want a better life.
Preparation
Read II Cor. 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Scene 1
Tom and Barb get hitched.
Minister: Tom and Barb, seeing that two can live more cheaply than one, I now join you together to pull through life together.
The minister hands one end of the broom to Tom and the other end to Barb. A rope is tied to the middle of the broom and the other end to a wagon with the word “Life” on it with an arrow pointing forward. The couple pulls the wagon outside.
If no wagon, rope, or broom is available, use a chair instead. The couple is asked to pull the “chair of life” forward by pulling their side of the chair but they can’t let go of their side of the chair and have to move the chair together.
Scene 2
Children Arrive
The couple re-enter with a baby doll in the wagon. Barb is pulling most of the load. Tom is drifting along.
Barb: Tom, why don’t you help me? Do I have to carry this load all myself?
Tom: Leave me alone. I need to get another drink. They exit the room. Tom continues to lag behind.
Scene 3
Fight over Church
Now the wagon has a Bible in it and is not moving forward at all.
Barb (trying hard to pull ahead): I am going to church tonight.
Tom (forcefully pulling her back): No you’re not. We need to spend time together. You’re always talking about God and church, and you’re leaving me completely out,
Barb (resisting, but giving in): God is important to me. If you won’t come along, at least let the kids and I serve Him.
Scene 4
Let the class discuss and come up with the next scene.
Summing It All Up God Has the Best Plan for Marriage
Despite all the current voices to the contrary, doing marriage God’s way is the best way to find intimacy and belonging between two people of the opposite sex. God said that this union was good. It was His idea. He said it was a picture of the times to come when His bride, the Church, will be united to Him. Even research shows that sexual satisfaction is greatest when the partners are married.
The Bible has much to say about marriage and is very practical. It shows us that marriage is not all fun and games. There are problems when any group of people has to closely interact with one another. When people become joined as closely as husband and wife, good communication and strategies to defuse stressful situations become essential. There will be many occasions where they will have to problem-solve their way out of conflict. Good husbands and wives also still need to be good Christians. They should show the same kind of love, and put up with shortcomings and flaws, as they would with people outside the marriage. Actually, they need to show even more love toward each other.
As to dating, we have emphasized staying pure and not having sexual intercourse before marriage. If that has not been the case, it can begin right now. The past is the past and cannot be changed. The present is different. We do have control over today, and tomorrow can be bright if we make the right choices today. Let us keep the highest level of intimacy as a special gift for after the ceremony. We have also warned about the real compatibility problems: addictions and spiritual walk with God. We should not be “unequally yoked” in these areas.
If you are dating, you might want to sign the first pledge below as an act of reverence and dedication to God. If married, sign the second one.
Personal Pledge in Dating
I, _____________________________________, pledge myself to God to conduct myself with honor and respect before God and to honor and respect the persons I will date. I will save sexual intercourse for after marriage and will not marry anyone who does not share the faith that God has given me.
Husband
I, __________________________________, pledge myself to God to conduct myself with honor and respect before God and to honor and respect
I will keep myself pure from outside influences and do my best to live my life for God.
Signature Date
Wife
I, __________________________________, pledge myself to God to conduct myself with honor and respect before God and to honor and respect
I will keep myself pure from outside influences and do my best to live my life for God.
Signature Date
The Plan of Salvation
Is there any good reason why you cannot receive Jesus Christ right now?
How to receive Christ:
1. Admit your need (that you are a sinner).
2. Be willing to turn from your sins (repent).
3. Believe that Jesus Christ died for you on the cross and rose from the dead.
4. Through prayer, invite Jesus Christ to come in and control your life through the Holy Spirit (receive Him as Savior and Lord).
What to Pray
Dear God,
I know that I am a sinner and need your forgiveness.
I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins.
I am willing to turn from my sins.
I now invite Jesus Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal savior.
I am willing, by God’s strength, to follow and obey Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life.
Date
Signature
The Bible says “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13
“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become the children of God.” John 1:12
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:1
• When we receive Christ, we are born into the family of God through the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit who lives within every believer. This process is called regeneration or the new birth.
• Share your decision to receive Christ with another person.
