8 minute read
Family
FITFAM with Ziggy Makant
GENERATION GAP
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Are you a “conscious parent”? The term was coined by Dr. Shefali Tsabary to describe an approach to parenting that prioritises the child's development as an individual. The theory is that parents inadvertently pass on their psychological and emotional pain through subconscious patterns, and that by becoming mindful of your own thought patterns and biases, you can allow children to develop on their own terms, rather than trying to shape them into a version of yourself. We speak to three local conscious parenting experts to learn more about this increasingly popular parenting philosophy.
SONIA SAMTANI:
Hypnotherapist, All About You
ZM: You run conscious parenting workshops here in Hong Kong. Could you give us an overview of how it works?
Conscious parenting encourages children to be autonomous, with the understanding that they are loved and accepted. It sets the foundation for healthy adults who operate with maturity and wisdom instead of creating sabotaging patterns that arise from feeling unaccepted.
Children of conscious parents can differentiate between feedback about their behaviour without it meaning that something is wrong with them. There is freedom of expression and a high level of self-esteem. Children are set up to be driven towards their goals, without being defined by them. Parents have a healthier relationship with children, more rapport in the family, open communication, and a more peaceful, harmonious relationship overall. Remember that deep down, the entirety of your child’s behaviour is done with the goal of seeking acceptance.
AMBER LE SCELLE:
Children’s Mindfulness Coach and Author, Illuminate Kids Wellness
ZM: When my child expresses a raw emotion I find it so triggering! It makes me want to shut down their feelings instantly. What are some tools for parents to self-regulate their own emotions while still supporting their little one?
Invent a “Special Breath” together! Deep breathing and connection are some of the best ways to regulate a child’s emotional state (and your own!). Co-create a personal type of deep breathing with actions related to your child’s interests, such as dinosaurs or butterfly breath. Practice these breathing actions when you both are calm, so you have it ready for more challenging moments.
Your child will feel ownership over this tool, and you’re modelling a positive behaviour at the same time. Perform your special breath when emotions are triggered, which means you both “freeze and breathe” a few times using your tool. Shared breath and connection will help calm emotions, allowing you to talk it out.
DR. KIMBERLEY CARDER:
Clinical Psychologist, MindnLife
ZM: Explain what a “child-centred parenting approach” is, and what behaviour management strategies you work on with parents?
So much of the evaluation of a child's behaviour and "outcomes" are measured through a top-down lens of expectations in their environments: how does their school or parents want them to behave?
With a child-centred therapeutic approach, kids are given their own safe space in which to explore their thoughts and feelings without getting anything "wrong,” and without the fear of getting into trouble. This gives the child a space to hear their thoughts out loud, and develop a relationship with an adult that won’t affect their home or school life.
Parents are always a part of this process, so it’s important for them to get on board too! In a child’s younger years, behaviour is communication, since children are still developing their emotional vocabulary. Helping the family translate the behaviour and understand what's creating it allows for the healing to happen at home.
CONSCIOUS PARENTING 101
Want to give conscious parenting a go? Here are a few easy ways to start including some conscious parenting principals in your life.
RECOGNIZE YOUR CHILD AS AN INDIVIDUAL
Resist the urge to push your child into subjects or hobbies that you want them to do, and instead support their interests - even if you don't understand them.
ADJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Try not to hold your children to the same standard as an adult. They're kids, which means that they can be messy, emotional, forgetful and impulsive. Let go of your frustration and channel some empathy (and inner peace!) instead.
SET BOUNDARIES
Supporting your child's individuality doesn't mean letting them run riot! Set expectations and consistently reinforce them whenever your kids slip up. Give them responsibilities and encourage them to do things for themselves.
SPEAK RESPECTFULLY
Children have their own thoughts and feelings, and it's important to speak to them how you would like to be spoken to. Try to check any impatience, sarcasm or teasing, and instead make your child feel heard and respected.
EMBRACE FAILURE
Conscious parenting also means sitting on your hands and allowing your child to make their own mistakes. But it's OK! Children need to know that failure is not something to be afraid of, and in every failure there's an opportunity to learn.
MODEL THE BEHAVIOUR YOU WANT TO SEE
Children are perceptive, so avoid passing on your own issues by minding how you behave and talk. You won't be able to get your kids to put their phones down, eat their vegetables and play outdoors if you spend all your spare time eating cookies from the couch! The same goes for negative selftalk - we want our children to love and appreciate their bodies, so make sure you're practicing self-love too - resist the urge to talk negatively about yourself.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH
If you feel yourself about to lose it, remember to respond, not react. Take a deep breath and try to model the kind of reaction you'd want your child to have in response to frustration.
Ziggy is a Hong Kong-based mum of two, pre- and postnatal trainer, micro-influencer, and co-host of the Mom Body Soul Podcast. She loves all things motherhood, sustainability and parenting. You can follow her adventures on Instagram @zig.fitmama or reach out to say hello at ziggy.fit.pt@gmail.com for FitFam leads and pitches!
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