WAYS TO KILL A TOMATO
AND OTHER INSANE, PSYCHOTIC, ANGRY, BUT RATHER THERAPEUTIC COLLECTION OF POEMS BY
LIZZIE VALE
IN D E X
POEM #1 MEMOIRS OF AN AWAKENED DREAM .................................................................................. 4 POEM #2 A SONNET: FINAL EXAMS ...................................................................................................... 5 POEM #3 ODE TO MY BACON (A PARODY) .......................................................................................... 6 POEM #4 GO FISH ................................................................................................................................... 7 POEM #5 ANOTHER SONNET: MASTER OF LOSING .............................................................................. 8 POEM #6 WAYS TO KILL A TOMATO ..................................................................................................... 9 POEM #7 DEVIL’S HANDMAID ............................................................................................................ 10 POEM #8 SUMMER ................................................................................................................................ 11 POEM #9 INDIFFERENCE AND GUILT .................................................................................................. 12 POEM #10 TRUE LOVE.......................................................................................................................... 13 POEM #11 WILL IT STAY FOREVER? .................................................................................................... 15 POEM #12 NO. 4061 ............................................................................................................................. 16 POEM #13 WHAT IS DISCONSOLATION, EXACTLY? ........................................................................... 18 POEM #14 YOU, I HATE YOU ............................................................................................................... 20 POEM #15 WHY CAN’T YOU BE MY FRIEND? .................................................................................... 21 POEM #16 THE PRIDE EMBELLISHED .................................................................................................. 22 POEM #17 I STAND ............................................................................................................................... 23 POEM #18 THE WORLD........................................................................................................................ 24 POEM #19 LOSING ................................................................................................................................ 25 POEM #20 TAKE ALL THE BLAME ....................................................................................................... 26 POEM #21 A SONNET: CRUEL LOVE ................................................................................................... 27 POEM #22 FALLEN ............................................................................................................................... 28 POEM #23 MIND GAMES...................................................................................................................... 29 POEM #24 NOXIOUS ............................................................................................................................. 30 POEM #25 UNSPOKEN JOKE ................................................................................................................. 31 POEM #26 FIND YOU ............................................................................................................................ 32 POEM #27 NO MORE............................................................................................................................ 33 POEM #28 FREE FROM YOU ................................................................................................................. 34 POEM #29 DR. PSEUDO-SEUSS: THE EPITOME OF THEIR EXISTENCE ................................................ 35 POEM #30 MEANT FOR ........................................................................................................................ 36 POEM #31 DREAMS I ............................................................................................................................ 37 POEM #32 BUFFER ................................................................................................................................ 38 POEM #33 FLUORESCENT LIGHTS ....................................................................................................... 39 POEM #34 OH! THE IMMATURITY ....................................................................................................... 40 2|Page
POEM #35 DREAMS II ........................................................................................................................... 41 POEM #36 THE SUN RISING INTO OBLIVION ...................................................................................... 42 POEM #37 IN THE DARK ...................................................................................................................... 43 POEM #38 OVER THAT ANTHILL ........................................................................................................ 44 POEM #39 MY FEZZ.............................................................................................................................. 45 POEM #40 DEAR GOD .......................................................................................................................... 46 POEM #41 POP! GOES THE WEASEL .................................................................................................... 47 POEM #42 MOCKERY AT 5 AD ............................................................................................................ 48 POEM #43 STAY PUT ............................................................................................................................ 49 POEM #44 GOSSIP: OVERHEARD FRIENDLY EXCHANGE ................................................................... 50 POEM #45 WAKE UP BALLAD ............................................................................................................. 51 POEM #46 RUSH ................................................................................................................................... 54 POEM #47 SHAME ................................................................................................................................ 55 POEM #48 HUNGRY ............................................................................................................................. 56 POEM #49 TRUST ISSUES ...................................................................................................................... 57 POEM #50 HOPE ................................................................................................................................... 59 POEM #51 FADE.................................................................................................................................... 60 POEM #52 DRIP..................................................................................................................................... 61 POEM #53 LOVE BUG ........................................................................................................................... 62 POEM #54 IDIOCY ................................................................................................................................. 63 POEM #55 FAITH .................................................................................................................................. 65 POEM #56 JUST PEACHY ...................................................................................................................... 66
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POEM #1 MEMOIRS OF AN AWAKENED DREAM
Spring 1997 Tenderly I lay down his funeral flowers, Grabbed the agony-stained dust, and flung it in showers. Buried the hatchet, and my teary eyes a-passioned, squeezed tight As I awoke from my bittersweet dreams and surfaced in the night. Caught up in the psychedelic light reflecting the tide of his charms While every fiber of my selfishness longed for his steady arms, Hard, chiseled face, triumphantly doomed for emancipation, Its expression, in rhythm with poundings of blood, sweat, and hesitation. His bold beauty, I desired, caused me to unlock Labyrinths of emotions for him to juggle and mock. Trembling, I touched the persistent curls on his temple And slowly, traced a line down to his mesmerizing dimple. Fair Dionysius of the Heavy, the Dark, and the Enticing, Numb me with his chloroform passion, from the sting of his lying. Set me ablaze with those eyes, and their hypnotic, green hues. The world replied. My labor of love I was to lose. Breathing against that cold, blue cross emblazoned there Brought chills down my daunted soul, in the dungeon, in his lair. The compelling attraction offered in the rebel tattoo he wore Was the foolish reason I wanted to hold the wonder, and to adore. Dismal clouds arose from the intangible scene. Empty, dank air hung where my salty lips had been. Oh, world, take this woman, to face the titanic force of her learning, And in her heart, inscribe his name, with a cigarette burning. 4|Page
POEM #2 A SONNET: FINAL EXAMS
19 December 1996 I reached out for you and yearn to hold you near, Longing to bask in your loveliness. Oh how my body flushes with envy, frustration, and fear Whenever others get to taste your loving caresses. Such beauty and security I find in your arms, Enticing me to come and devour every minute with you I spend. I’m in utmost longing for your bittersweet warmth, For you bring me to a higher plane of pleasure that I know must now end. The Enemy cruelly comes and takes you away. I spring, up and with every ounce of my strength, fight. The angry sun is languishingly running away from my side of day And cruel mobs, ungrateful voices, they terrorize my light. Right now, all I can do is study hard and weep. But, until then, please wait for me, oh wonderful, heavenly sleep.
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POEM #3 ODE TO MY BACON (A PARODY)
Spring 1997 Understand the things I eat. Don’t turn away from me. ‘Cause I spent half my life indulging in red meat. You wouldn’t disagree. D’you see it? D’you smell it, d’you like it? Frying slowly in the pan. D’you notice? Aroma mouthwatering, D’you see it? D’you see it? Does anyone care? Utmost happiness, While I’m still young and we do not give a damn. ‘Cause we were raised, To see life as fat and taste it if we can. My arteries! My arteries! It’ll clog me. It’ll clog me when I couldn’t share. My smooth skin, my clear skin, They’d break out, yet I like ‘em. Does anyone care? Does anyone care? Does anyone care?
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POEM #4 GO FISH
Spring 1997 One dot, two dots, Red dots, blue dots. Circling my head like hunting sharks, And all you had to do was park. As fast as the tides go up in July Still weather, no wind, the clouds still zipped by. Henry’s Ticker Tape was five miles apart. There was no waiting, nor were there any start. The first dot was by rejection, the ultimate in life. The second dot was a pardonable Swiss army knife. Red dots forming on my white, white shirt. Blue dots filling my brain with all its worth. One dot, two dots, Red dots, blue dots. You’re one of the few. All I wanted was you.
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POEM #5 ANOTHER SONNET: MASTER OF LOSING
Spring 1997 Poor child, don’t let your nimble heart despair. ‘speare’s Time disgrace and wretched minutes kill. Bear your dark head high. Come up for air. Defy Winter, Mocker, and Emotional Thrill. Wait for the birds and their happy, chirpy song. Don’t dwell on the cold and bitter wind. You shall shine brighter than all who did you wrong. Sing hymns, oh sullen child, for all have sinned. I know it seems that your word is shifting To the point you think you will expire. Calm your shaking hands and quench that burning. ‚Meaningless,‛ says the philosopher. No more fire. This child had gone. From here she had fled. A limp, losing rose, her joy of life slowly bled.
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POEM #6 WAYS TO KILL A TOMATO
Spring 1997 Imagine a red, juicy tomato splat on the ground. Sure it cost you thirty cents. But listen to the hollow, satisfying sound When it is treated with violence. Add it to your ‚To hit before I’m 35‛ list, Connect a wire to it from a dorm room socket, Thump on it with a powerful fist, Wham it on the wall with a tennis racket. Spike down its middle with a fountain pen, Tie it to a bunny and turn it loose, Lay it before oncoming traffic in Highway 10, Tread on it with high-heeled shoes. Roast it slowly over an open flame, Squeeze it nicely between forefinger and thumb, Slice it to shred with an egg cutter wire, Treat it like a grenade or an impact bomb. Massage its delicate skin with an electric shave, Devour it like a cookie, as Cookie Monster does, Put it in for five minutes in a microwave, Leave it on your lawn for months and give it to the boss. Throw it at annoying whiners, or at a cruel cop, Press it onto the keyboard when the network is down, Position it carefully for a New Bible Dictionary drop, Feed it to the funny-smelling hogs up town. Smash it with passion between two textbook covers. Fling it at the faces of your ex-lovers.
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POEM #7 DEVIL’S HANDMAID
22 July 1997 She storms around with her deep, blue eyes, Sultry, sun-streaked, blonde hair flowing down her back, She gracefully accepts tips, compliments and his sugar-coated lies, But she’s got every significant asset I lacked. The most gorgeous men she dated on my campus, I wonder what it was like to be engaged to the stud of our county, She’s the right height, right race, right face, right shoes And she unwittingly took two men I love away from me. Her amazing ability to twist my fragile heart In almost everything she has to say Is phenomenal because twice already, she has torn me apart, For the two men I loved, looked up and walked her way.
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POEM #8 SUMMER
1994 White walls stained with the gray line of age, In front of me, my father flipped through a page, Wet rings on paper from a soft drink can, All around, people walked, watched, talked, and ran. Day and hours for me is numbers, Time ticks by. A friend has not easily slumbered. Inquisitive looks and questioning glances, Never for a moment gave me any chances.
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POEM #9 INDIFFERENCE AND GUILT
20 October 1997 I’m sorry about those sweet, long drives, And the beautiful dinners and playing pool, I’m sorry about sharing thought and contemplating our lives, And making you look, now, like a fool. I’m sorry about the passionate touching And the bear hugs from the heart, I’m sorry you felt good when we were laughing ‘Cause now everything has fallen apart. I’m sorry for the romantic delights, And the mutual desires we have sworn, I’m sorry that I have lost sight Of our bond which I know scorn.
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POEM #10 TRUE LOVE
1991 Friends of Childhood, Misunderstanding, Painful separation, Heart is burning. Deep as the cut Of a double-edged sword. Loneliness, depression, Loves broken chord. A day of bright sunset, An evening of red moon, A cool, quiet night And an anxious meeting, soon. Footsteps in the shadows, Whispers of the trees, Dew drops on the ground, No more bustling of bees. One waiting and sighing, The other one, approaching, Nervous hearts and nervous thoughts, A gulp of clearance, voices like dreary moths. A feeble relaxation Of a heart-filled regret, An open desperation, chest released, relieved, and not met
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By a dark, sorrowful moment Without hope and light, But a touch of compassion And an endless delight.
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POEM #11 WILL IT STAY FOREVER?
15 years old It was innocent enough When we were just my friend, Things were so natural then. We both took those times for granted, But now can we still be friends? Will it stay forever? What kind would it be? You’ve just been driving me crazy. I hadn’t realized How much I cared about you, But I’ve no idea if you felt the same way too. I didn’t want to hurt you, But when that day came Now things would never, ever be the same. When I looked at you, you were so distant, so above. Couldn’t my feelings for you be love? Why did you make me fall in love with you? I hope and dream, One day these things will come true, I will wait for the right time When I could tell you.
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POEM #12 NO. 4061
20 May 1993 The bell rang. I smile Enthusiastically To see the kid who scorns at me. I pull my friend Spying with the Greek lover At the Kid at number 4061. Suspiciousness Glean in His eyes. Contempt as Our gaze meet. Not a Single day passes. I continue my Desire to watch the Kid. I sigh, hoping One day he would realize I was not an Enemy. Blue jeans, Metal vehicle gleaming In the sun. I strain My neck. Do anything Just to see that Fantastic smile of the kid in Number 4061. 16 | P a g e
His features change as His casual expression Meet my scrutinizing Gaze. From the distance I see him look at me, Knowing I was a wrong-doer. My first enemy: The kid in bus number 4061.
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POEM #13 WHAT IS DISCONSOLATION, EXACTLY?
31 May 1993 Days pass me swiftly By. Faces, familiar Faces, in One Short Moment. Gone. For more important calling. It was then his turn. Laughter filled The air. Passers by Glance at the pleasant Faces. Happiness In the company. His company. Incredible Ability To break atmospheres. The life of The cheerful circle. Those glasses sparkling. The intensity. Never scornful, never cynical. Perfect man, perfect friend. You’d think He’s the type who gives 18 | P a g e
Innuendoes. But He’s fun, Innovative, Jokes, Real life stories. His smile, never cynical. Typical. The perfect company. The fact I never realized. I bitterly, never realized. Till now. I sink back and watch, Observe for the very last time. I hope. Hopeless. He’d be gone. I’d never talk to him again. Such loss. My dearest friend. I never even showed him how much I cared. I’m left with my loss. Despondency, Despair washes over me. Why him? Why?
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POEM #14 YOU, I HATE YOU
10 December 1994 You, I hate you. You drained all my happiness, And you furnished my shame. You, I hate you. My heart fills with terror Every time I hear your name. You, I know now. You were just a mistake. You, You burned all my Confidence and dignity at the stake. You, You killed me. Don’t you see that my pain Just won’t go away? You, You make me Cry so hard and hurt just trying to Think of what to say Every time I see you Again and again. You, You grieve me. I’d pace around my room Trying hard to forget That moment, that memory Of hunger, in anguish and yet, I still wince what I did was true I still can’t believe it was you. I did it all for you. I love you.
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POEM #15 WHY CAN’T YOU BE MY FRIEND?
20 September 1995 I see you every day, Walking down my way, Mumbling a hi, Every time I walk by. Do you ever stop and ponder When you see me yonder, That I might actually want to Be acquainted with you? What’s keeping you from wanting To find out what are behind my rantings Or my smile of appreciation Or my teary reputation? Don’t you like my outlandish behavior? And we do have the same Savior, Or is it really because of my face, Because I don’t have your same ways?
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POEM #16 THE PRIDE EMBELLISHED
7 November 1995 Looking at us in scorn. Lower. I feel less. Hurting me because of the place where I was born. The overwhelming inadequateness. Surveying the world and populace You see achievements, high and low. You take a hold of my unworthiness And my self-esteem gains a thrashing blow. Forget those who suffer injustice And those who are in pain. Prejudice-stricken poverty In a world that says gain, gain, gain. How long will it take to open your mind? For you to see that ‚castes‛ are real? And that you, oh dear friend of mine, Are responsible for the kill?
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POEM #17 I STAND
8 November 1995 All that is good is gone, I, again, am alone. How I wish to have more than one With whom I’d share my solace zone.
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POEM #18 THE WORLD
25 January 1996 – A Thursday Watching you and seeing me, I’m being someone I don’t want to be, It’s not a feeling of inferiority, Not even envying other’s popularity. The world I think is one big sink, Some of us are scum, some of us stink, Some of us are leftovers from last night’s bash, Some of us are pathetic, decomposing trash. Round and round we go down that hole, With the other dirt who have no goal. Our minds filled with lust, ignoring the pain, Selfish gratification, clogging up the brain. Forgetting the good, and holy, and pure. Who needs that? he said. It’s boring for sure. I like the excitement, the thump of the drum. To mind games. The crowd. To eternal damn.
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POEM #19 LOSING
28 February 1996 – A Wednesday You have always been there right beside me, You were my only precious guarantee, You had been given as a gift to me As a babe in my father’s arms. You’re the one which separated me from the rest of the crowd. I taunted you in front of my friends and I did it so loud. Of you I had always been so proud, Even though I was warned. I thought I’ll never lose you. What pretention! Even though it was painful to see you leave, I didn’t pay attention. My head throbs as realization hits me hard. You’re now forever gone. You were my only charm.
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POEM #20 TAKE ALL THE BLAME
February 1996 Take all the blame, That’s the thing to do, It doesn’t matter what other people Thing of you. Take all the blame In few simple phrases, I know you can handle pointing fingers And accusing faces. Break each other’s hearts, Tear ‘em all apart, Fragile friendships must always end With fiery, cruel darts. Why bother with love, Support, and loyalty If ruining a friend seems to be the best chance To set you free? Take all the blame, That’s the thing to do, After all, since when did it matter what your own friends think of you?
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POEM #21 A SONNET: CRUEL LOVE
Spring 1996 My soul was a safe bubble, filled with sweet dreams of love, Then came my sweet Westley, a true enigma, so talented and rare, Impulses, romantic musings, all we needed was to prove That our eyes, heart, and minds were worth the share. Picture me not, when you hold a woman to your chest, The tenderness and desire, were they all but a game? O let me anguish in my stupidity, let me feast in my regret. There was no Godly love involved. That was the ultimate shame. Philosophising our sins, ignoring the Stand I should take, What kind of monster was I becoming, away from the light? O Lord of love, who shall I blame for this mistake? I look at my weaknesses, and I shouldn’t be in your sight. You know, nothing’s more painful than loving someone And realizing I was sadly loving the wrong man.
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POEM #22 FALLEN
Spring 1996 Mindless, Falling into the pit of murkiness. Blindness Washing Tasteless. It’s hard to get away, So difficult to climb out Of this well I dug for myself. This pit.
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POEM #23 MIND GAMES
27 August 1996 Break! Waves rippled across The form. Energy resounds. Alignments, Timing, Compatibility. Cues clash. Finally, One, Last Shot. Rolls into a deep well. Rolling, Rolling, Rolling.
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POEM #24 NOXIOUS
Spring 1996 Flowers, Their heavy, nauseating, thick scent of powder Overwhelm. Tell me Stupid, senseless things, Followed by painful, pseudo-repentant binges Take hold. Who wants treasures of gols Or gowns of pure white, Lost sight.
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POEM #25 UNSPOKEN JOKE
20 October 1996 We started it, one big, whole mess, With lots of laughter, blithe, and jest, By and by, it went a-slam Into one love affair based on a sham. We tried this stem, we tried this flower, We tried other poisonous berries and played with their power. Slithering across the brush are scorpions and snakes. And even I, I knew, it was all a mistake. Jealousy creeping up the wall, Nightshades, blades, dull, orange leaves in the fall. I was here, you were there. You and your friend. I knew, deep inside, the end should be the end. I clung like an idiot, protecting my pride, You were beautiful to me. I saw goodness inside. I would look at your face, I gave you tenderness. All you wanted was to share warm and indifferent caresses. I bared my soul, I offered my vulnerability, I liked your comebacks, talents and iniquity. You piqued my interest and affected my tastes, I loved listening to your heartbeat and being dazed. Time zoomed by. My chance had passed. Blind, little me knew it wasn’t going to last. I saw you every day. I remembered every time you spoke. Everybody else told me I am your unspoken joke. 31 | P a g e
POEM #26 FIND YOU
22 October 1996 I want to walk on this road, Where the sun is not cold, Where the moon is not blue, Where I can always find you. I want to move to this place, Where I can see your face, Where I can share your gain And experience your pain. I want to sing your song, Do the wrong, Do the wrong with you, I want to be at your side, Feel inside, Feel inside and find you. This search may never end, And it’s now your turn to bend, Show your light, be there in my sight Where I can always find you.
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POEM #27 NO MORE
23 October 1996 Dull ache ringing, Nobody singing, Love is fleeting. Pain is searing, End the crying, No more sharing. I love you still, You went for the kill, You wanted to hurt, Dragged me in the dirt. Love is dumb, As useful as a bomb, Deny me, Deny me, Deny me. Knife, wife, life, strife. Am I some cheap imitation? Lain, rain, pain, slain, No more, no relation. Right, fight, light, night, All in vain, nothing gained, Why, sigh, goodbye, goodbye. Leave me, I have gone insane.
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POEM #28 FREE FROM YOU
1 December 1996 Deep, blue ocean, pretty as can be, Calling, exciting. Tempting me. Blinded by reason that I could always pull out, I jumped into the waters with a gleeful shout. Swimming through the blue, full of energy, Eager to capture the Fish in the sea, Marvelous, intricate, enigmatic Fish, It was the one in my darkest wish. I called out to the creature and I was happy it came, I wanted, it wanted to play a game, The Game of Chance, the Game of Speed, The game I already knew I was going to lose, indeed. Time ticked, even in the sea, Count the waves and count on me, The Game was becoming too violent, too fast, I was getting wounded and hurt, I realized I must go at last. Little did I know of the evil and hate My playmate had harbored inside him, of late. The sky grew dark and he began to change his looks, Growing sharper fins and fangs like werewolves in books. He looked at me with demonic eyes, I knew I had to flee or else I would die, I fought the waves with every ounce of strength I could muster, Fear racking through my body, telling me to move faster. Breathing in gulps after I reached the shore, I learned not to jump into the ocean on impulse, forevermore.
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POEM #29 DR. PSEUDO-SEUSS: THE EPITOME OF THEIR EXISTENCE
1 December 1996 Men are evil, Men are bad, All men should be pulverized, (Except my dad). Men are annoying, Men can’t tell the truth. They’re very selfish creatures And are monstrous and are brutes. Men can’t fix anything, They break things instead, Like hearts and soda machines, Drop dead Fred.
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POEM #30 MEANT FOR
18 December 1996 You gave me shame, Offered me guilt, Showered me with all your precious promises. You’re kind. You taught me to hate, Showed me bitterness, Kissed me with your tender kisses. You’re kind. You dragged me down, Forced my face up to look at you, I still feel the mud in my mouth, Now, where are you? I knew you were meant for me. Meant to break me, wake me, thank you. Now I know there are more of Your kind. You nursed me with apathy, Cradled me with callousness. It’s nice knowing that I am nothing. You’re kind. You boosted my ego Into Pluto. For that do I blame you? Now where are you? Baby I know you were meant for me, Meant to pierce me, crush me, thank you. Now I know there are more of Your kind. 36 | P a g e
POEM #31 DREAMS I
18 December 1996 Picture perfect, puffy, Cool, clean clouds Freely floating, featherlike All around and Comfortably cushioning That tenderly, twisting Knife in my back.
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POEM #32 BUFFER
Winter 1997 Who do I love? Who do I hate? Confusions, depictions, False kindness, and wait I do not feel Anything at all Except sometimes, maybe That comfortable black hole. Mom and dad told me Don’t rely on yourself. Trust God, trust the Creator But my Bible’s on the shelf. It’s either totally me Or totally Him. Not so hard choices you say But my light is shining dim. No decisions yet, No wine nor wafer, Unless I’m itching for judgment ‘til then I’m in the buffer.
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POEM #33 FLUORESCENT LIGHTS
Winter 1997 I love white lights, fluorescent lights, I love bright Sunshine glaring down from the heights. I love innocence, purity, and security. I love your soft scents, Your truth, your graciousness, and humility. I love the dark eyes mingled with pain. I love walks in the park And your quiet being, the murmurs, and whispering your name. I love ravaging power, your vulnerable frailty, I love the sparkling water, The way you have this fearless spontaneity. I’m in love with my ideal dream, I’m in love with this virgin scene, The unattainable hope, mercy, love, and when things are what they seem. I love fading memories Of my heart aching, I love my pathetic love-craved lunacies. I love this sad fight The walls I built around my heart, And the miserable endings to my plight.
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POEM #34 OH! THE IMMATURITY
Winter 1997 Hail! Little lamb. Hail to thee! Thy youth affect me overwhelmingly. You yelp thy way to the slaughterhouse But I’m unsympathetic to the bleats of a worthless mouse. Yeah! Little rodent, you seem a little bit apprehensive, But I’m sorry, your odor is offensive, so leave. I’d rather you short-circuit your little, brown tail into a socket Than let you chew your way through my empty pockets. Oh! Little boy! All that scintillating reportage. You rapidly plunge my consciousness into one useless mirage, Time trudges sadly onto foreordained necessity, Yet, I avouch your stale platitudes, vapid truths, and your extinct maturity.
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POEM #35 DREAMS II
Spring 1997 Lost listlessly In its Monumental miseries And absently allowing a Wretched wave washing, Drowning, dying, dream.
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POEM #36 THE SUN RISING INTO OBLIVION
Spring 1997 Hey you, sun! Why do you sting? What did I ever do to you? Yeah, I know the warmth and the light you bring. But I know about the cancer, too. Whose fault, you ask, for the misgivings? Who exposed themselves to all that searing? Who decided on abusing the energy gift? Oh, the sadness, the irony, the confusion, the crypt. Hey sun, you know I love you, I know what to do to be the person I should. But only to those who please you Only to them, everything works together for good.
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POEM #37 IN THE DARK
Spring 1997 Trudging through life’s blizzard, Outside it’s searing bright, My mind’s one big black hole Yearning to see light. It’s nice to know what they think, It’s nice to know what they feel, It’s nice to know what they want From me and know what is the deal. It’s not fun to wonder, It’s not fun to guess, When life’s hanging on a balance Whether the no is no or yes. I love the feeling of inspiration, I love the sense of visibility, I love knowing what’s going on and knowing where I stand And finally knowing me.
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POEM #38 OVER THAT ANTHILL
Spring 1997 Come on, let’s climb, Blind leading the blind, And quit that whining. Come on, let’s hear it from the top, It’s a fifty foot drop, And quit that laughing. Come on, it’s almost undone, We have won, we have won, And quit that crying.
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POEM #39 MY FEZZ
Spring 1997 You’re always there for me, You were made to set me free Escape this world for a fleeting moment But you’re definitely not Godsent. People don’t like my fezz and me. It’s my world and my world after all. Maybe someday I will stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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POEM #40 DEAR GOD
Spring 1997 This little, teeny, tiny grain of sand. That would be me. I am nothing, I am nothing Without you. This little shadow in the corner of the room. That would be me. I am nothing, I am nothing Without you. This pioneer who was the straw that broke the camel’s back That would be me. This little creature trying to squeeze through that hole in the needle. This little child who was so intent on pleasing you. That would be me. Remember, ‚was‛ is the key. This little gir, holding onto you in desperation. That would be me. I am nothing, I am nothing Without you. Please hear my endless, tortured, insignificant cries. That would be me. I am nothing, I am nothing Without you.
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POEM #41 POP! GOES THE WEASEL
Spring 1997 It’s a never ending cycle. Hit the bump, again and again. Flat tire, Douse that fire. I am fine, I am well.
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POEM #42 MOCKERY AT 5 AD
Spring 1997 Staring at the corner, The uselessness and strife. Another one tells you The nice things about life. Shut up you optimistic fool, You’ll never understand How it feels to be mocked, And judged, and labeled with a burning brand. Because I don’t have your same ways?
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POEM #43 STAY PUT
Spring 1997 Who are you out there? Who do I spy? Affect me with a mere bat of an eye. Drive me bonkers with a single flick Of that ever faithful cue stick. Who are you out there? What do I care? Why do I melt like butter whenever you stare? Am I worthy enough to be a friend? Or would it be another cruel, suffocating end?
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POEM #44 GOSSIP: OVERHEARD FRIENDLY EXCHANGE
Spring 1997 You bask in the senses: hearing, tastes, and eyes. At the sound of your words, a reputation slowly dies.
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POEM #45 WAKE UP BALLAD
Spring 1997 For All Women Who Cannot Decide Whether They Need Men or Not Little Miss Maggie Sat by a doggie Outside a 7-11. Along came fine Peter, Who sat down beside her, And folks, that was how this love song began. Whenever they were talking, The air was crackling. It had to be God’s design. There was ease in each other’s company Com-pah-ti-bih-li-ty ‚My Thrill of Living brought cheerful chills down my spine.‛ They got calls from each other frequently. ‚I’ll show you everything that’s precious to me,‛ Bravely said by our intense Peter. They held breath and hands Even at Valley Fair hot dog stands. His wit, humor, and chivalry won her. ‚I like the adrenaline rush And all the carefree, spontaneous mush Of our mutual love affair.‛ ‚You’re my inspiration by far, Plus we both watch E.R. Eternity, I want to spend the rest of living with you there.‛ 51 | P a g e
So friends, our Maggie and Peter Who seemed to live happily ever after Until the abominable crash-after-high had to occur. Love is utterly blind, ‚He was always on my mind.‛ Faithfulness, appreciation. What are they all for? ‚Here am I again Adding my two-cents In the next paragraph or twenty-three. They say love never dies, No secrets, no lies, It’s all a bowl of rotten ranch to me.‛ Needless to say, I obviously had a bad day And my heart’s not going ‚lub‛ ‚dub‛ ‚skip‛ anymore. ‚Love brings you glory, love brings you shame.‛ All that crazy obsession is ultimately lame When after stripping your pride down and giving – you can’t score. Here are questions for those out there, Those women who swear They have this real, mutual, romantic love. Is he fighting fair? Same beliefs do you share? Or will your neck end up with OJ’s glove? Is he the boy of your dreams? Is he what he seems? Or are you in a rescue mission to pull him out of some hole? Do you ever think, ‚If I stop pulling Would the relationship stop rolling?‛ Or is he the definite mate of your soul?
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Is he taking you for granted? Talked about what you wanted From each other and out of life? Are you mistaking lust for love? Everything he has, you can have? And are you the Meaning of Life? Peter started acting aloof And there was proof That the communication was dying. No more gazing longingly at each other, No more pitter-patter, But there were inconsideration, heartaches, and lying. Silly Maggie, why put yourself through that? You seriously think you could change him for better, or what? Don’t tell me it’s just a matter of time. ‚It’s my fear of another heart break, my ego and my ideals. The yearning to be loved and how all that feels, To hold on to this, is it a crime?‛ Love extinguished is gone, There is nothing else to be done. Reality check. You are replaceable. Let’s just ridicule the dreams you shared, The hopes you built, the promises, and how he cared. Maggie, truth is – Mutual Love and Respect – men are incapable.
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POEM #46 RUSH
Spring 1997 Here I am in the middle of shards of broken glass, Waiting for these absurd feelings to pass. Every shiny piece meant something today. Sharp, and deadly, since he went away. I tiptoed through the confusion and tried picking them up, It only ended up with warm blood dripping on my lap, No one around to help me clean up the mess, So I got down on my knees since there’s no one to impress. I addressed the God of Righteousness and Love. Where was this Comforter sent from above? The urgent beat of my heart was not from caffeine, But the result of an ugly, despicable sin. Blow up this world, Oh God of Might! Where is Your Mercy? Where is Your Light? You knew my life and what was in store Before I saw who I really was in the mirror.
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POEM #47 SHAME
1996 I close my eyes, I lay back on my pillow, Grief, why do you haunt? Tears push themselves out And as they slide, made deep grooves in my heart. Love is such a shame Things will never be the same. Nights of sleeplessness, Moments Deemed unworthy in your eyes. The scars of unrequit, they comfort me.
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POEM #48 HUNGRY
29 January 1995 - Sunday I was hungry for the answers To the questions in my head. Why was I so severed from the society? Why was my forsaken heart so red?
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POEM #49 TRUST ISSUES
4th February 1996 You’re drunk with beer Past that stage of buzz. You open your mouth and I hear insults. Who do you talk about? Me, Your conquests, your other experiences… Is it the pain and the hurt in you? They warned me about you. Who would I believe. You said you wouldn’t do anything. You wouldn’t take unless I gave. And in the middle of it all, I gave. Was that giving? Was that giving? So you don’t want anything to do with me? Didn’t I give you good memories Or were they all bad? You tell others of this time You tell others of that time You tell others of the first time. And you want me to trust you? You threaten if I don’t try to see you You threaten if I don’t communicate with you. 57 | P a g e
You don’t try You don’t try You don’t try. Why do you do that? You hate double-faced people. You are a double-faced person. I see you there, I see you there all the time. All the time I see you there. You don’t even look into my eyes. You don’t look into my heart. Ignorance is bliss. Bliss I have, Bliss I have none.
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POEM #50 HOPE
17th August 1998 Hope. Silly hope. What are you doing hanging around? Why are you still here? Dope. Stupid dope. That and flirting, fun, and beer. Cry. See me cry. ‘Cause I’m the ultimate scum. Sigh. The world sighs. ‘Cause I have done the really, really dumb. Hope. Go away. Can’t you see you just bring pain? Reality. Come home and stay And keep me sane.
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POEM #51 FADE
4th March 1998 The poundings stop and the smiling fade. Heart lurches no more after she got laid. Confusing attraction that has no root While I crumpled onto the floor in ashes and soot.
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POEM #52 DRIP
17th February 1997 You don’t know what you got, You treated it for granted, You drip like a broken faucet. You anger me, you make precious things stunted. Someday it’ll get back at your face. All your cruelty, indifference, and half-lies. Count your days Until that time the door closes and the flame dies.
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POEM #53 LOVE BUG
16th August 1998 See this brown car I drive today, The life that the parents had to pay, See this lush surroundings where I park No home to stay after dark. Bored a hole of ignorance on the dashboard While bugs smacked the windshield on their own accord. Driving for hours in cruise control. Unwelcome, dejected, unwanted soul. Maybe a touch of passion on the hood? Or the faithful front seat, though not as crude? A physical fling at the backseat? Old Love Bug lives – an amazing feat. Listening to rhythms by irreverent hearts, There were bad endings and unwilling starts. I put cash and credit into the slot machine And he does not ask me where I’ve been.
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POEM #54 IDIOCY
25 August 1998 Look at me and see what an idiot I am, I’m the perfect candidate to hate and condemn. Visions of unhappiness and lies torment my head Because I shared his bed. I mock myself for being senseless, I knew what not to do, I knew the consequences, All he asked was for just one thing And I had to have that fling. The destroyer comes to seek the meek, And I have become unbelievably sick. After all the love with me he shared I gutted his heart and left his soul impaired. Sensitive, patient man, sweet kisses to feel, The abuse I inflicted, only time will heal. My precious baby, I loved but I failed. Stupid girl, get over it, your ship had sailed. I had nothing to offer, I denied him my love, Erase those memories of to hold and to have, You have pierced him right down to the very core, You liar, selfish, unfaithful whore. You imbecile begging for another chance, Mourn, child, mourn, he thought about you everyday once, You disrespected him. Common decency you have none. Forgiveness and hope! That is something only of the sun’s. 63 | P a g e
Wake up child, stop wanting him back, That’s impossible after you told him that dismal fact, You will be judged and he will laugh For you are scum and you will never be good enough. Smell the coffee, little one, and get some help, I’d pace around, hurting myself, I want to be something, someone can use, Someone to step on, and hurt, and stab, and abuse.
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POEM #55 FAITH
10th July 1993 My faith Of late Wavering unstable For I am unable. He comforts me Like a bird in her nest. Storms in the sea In him I have rest. Friends can never be nice forever, Worlds created will deteriorate. Hurt and fear and all that’s dear In this life we live, perfect comfort cannot give. Yet the only hope and gaiety I have in mind Is life with Him and maybe Death for His sake who was kind.
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POEM #56 JUST PEACHY
28th July 1997 - Monday Adaptation, Americanization, whiplash realization, Crazy is the life that I live tonight. Speeding through the bumpy highway, avoiding police citation In the world of right and wrong and black or white. Lying on maroon sheets among stolen pillows, Staring at the negative sign of the EPT test, Remembering the many tales of my many endless woes As I recall my pointless, worthless, painful quests. The search of the elusive man of my dreams And the constantly vacillating drive to succeed. I ponder these deep thoughts and the head begins to swim Because all he is full of is ego, selfishness and greed. The lucid insomniac bequeaths her sad will, Her prized possession and her only property To this stranger who takes his deep-throated fill Of her body, her soul, and all her poverty. Nevertheless, we see the twinkling stars And the stupid grin on my plastered face, Nevermind the liars, abusers, and this whole farce Because this mad, night-capped summer is all but waste.
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