Parenting is hard…. (Lorraine)

Living with cancer is hard….

The two combined!!!!!

Well let’s see….

I am a mum to a boy of 10 and a girl of 7. My cancer journey started when my son was approximately 7 months old, a vulnerable, needy, bundle of giggles and babbles.

Luckily I’m married to a very dedicated man. I was rushed into hospital by ambulance, waving good bye to my bundle of joy, who had woken in all my commotion.

7 weeks later I returned home, back where I belong, as a mum to my son. I had to recover from the ordeal I’d been through, I was weak, sore and fragile and needed lots of support too.

I remained in remission for 6 years.

I was told no more children, as chemo had damaged my ovary, but then a miracle, we had conceived another child, a daughter for me. I love my family, it’s very clear to see. When my daughter was three and a half, my body decided to add more fun to my life.

Title given, incurable metastatic bowel cancer, primary absent, mets in my lungs, the tumours replicated the splats of a paintball gun, as if I had been in a battle but that could not be won.

From that day to this, I’ve been juggling cancer and life.

Parenting is hard!

Balanced diet with 5 a day, trying to feed a fussy eater, what can I say!

Hygiene, showering, bathing, cleaning teeth properly, clean clothes, brushing knotty long hair

School attendance, pickups, drop offs, homework despair, there’s reading for both and spellings for him. Parent consults encourage and also make me aware, of areas of struggle and more work to juggle.

Behaviour, we praise the good and discourage the bad, mood swings are challenged to ensure they are not sad. The fighting and swearing many times I despair, I wish they would get on, to save me pulling out my hair.

Birthdays are fun for children indeed, the parties, cake making and catering to feed, the numerous friends they had to invite, money can be spent on presents, well into the night.

Christmas is special, meeting Santa is fun, see him on a train, in a cave, the memories are important ones.

Mums taxis is used to ferry them around, to all the sports activities, I complete without a frown.

The chores we have, to many to discuss, parenting is hard but also a must. We forget the small things, that make it worthwhile, from player of the match, to a simple sweet smile.

Now cancer is hard, this part is true, the emotional distress, for me and you. The appointments for discussions, making future treatment plans, for bloods, for scans to ensure the correct plan. The medication, for side effects, to stop the sickness, there are helplines to call, to stop the fuss.

Fatigue is a bitch and hinders my day, but I rest a while, as the kids are away, at school all day, this helps me a lot.

Chemo and little people, I found that’s a lot, of hard work and of stress, but when they were young, I must confess, the amazing support from hubby, from dad, from sisters but not mum. The pain, poor appetite and the weight loss, all add to my stress, while I try and parent like a boss.

When cancer meets parenting, boom, overload.

School drop offs and collections, while feeling grossly unwell, the phone a friend option, for days when you can’t, get in the car to complete, such a simple task. I retreat to my bed and bury my head, hoping to feel better, when I rise, so that I can continue to parent, my prized possessions, my children, my life.

I’ve said before, my husband is great, he’s hard working, very supportive, a loving father of two, but some days, when stress is high, he struggles to leave me too.

The children are growing and each time I notice, chemo and child care becomes less of a focus. This cancer will live with us, a secret burden on all,

I have many emotions, of which I recall.

The Guilt, is real, I feel sorry for all, my daughter wants me to play barbies but this time I’m falling, fast asleep so my body can keep healing, I’m trying to keep normality real, but some days, I feel a real failure and I worry my children suffer alone, but we have love all around us and inside of our home. I worry a lot, so much some days, I feel I’m losing the plot with this path I’ve been paved. What will life be like for my children when I’m gone, who will tuck them in tight and sing then their song. Who will cwtch them in close, when they are sad or feel lost.

The concerns go on but for now let’s just try, and focus on living a long simple life.

I was admitted to hospital with neutropenic sepsis, on day six of my stay our last writing group meeting was held. Our group coincided with the last IV of antibiotics before I could go home.

LET’S GO CRAZY (Rachel)

Crazy this life of mine, Crazy how my emotions climb, Crazy my love for you, Crazy how I have missed you, I’m coming home tonight, so let’s go crazy and celebrate, Let’s dance, close, side by side, To the song we chose for our wedding night, Let’s go crazy, I don’t need a glass of wine, Let’s go crazy, your body close to mine, Let’s go crazy, I’m home today, I’m alive and well, so let’s celebrate, Let’s go crazy, I’m still here, Let’s go crazy, hold me close, my dear, Place your hand in mine and never let me go, Let’s go crazy, the love of my life, Let’s go crazy, man and wife, Marrying you was the best day of my life!

Writing Prompts

The Summers Day by Mary Oliver from New and Selected Poems, 1992 Beacon Press, Boston, MA

Winter’s Cloak by Joyce Rupp, in Joyce Rupp & Macrina Wiederkehr, The Circle of Life: The Heart’s Journey Through the Seasons (Sorin Books, 2005), 249-50

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell © June 19, 1967; Gandalf Publishing Co. (as "From Both Sides Now")

The Journey by Mary Oliver in No Voyage and Other Poems (Houghton Mifflin 1965)

The Shaft by Helen Dunmore https://poemsontheunderground.org/the-shaft. Reprinted by permission of Bloodaxe from Counting Backwards: Poems 1975-2017 (2019)

Autumn by Samuel Menashe from Samuel Menashe: New and Selected Poems (The Library of America, 2005)

The Inanna Myth and Psyche’s Tasks by Jean Shinoda Bolen in Close to the Bone: Life Threatening Illness as a Soul Journey 10thAnniversary Revised Edition Conari Press 2007

The Witches by Roald Dahl Penguin 2016 edition (pgs 188-190)

Magniloquent Cartilage: A Constitution for the UK by Lemn Sissay MBE. Commissioned by Art 50 to write a new constitution for the UK. 'Magniloquent Cartilage' is a ‘new charter' for the UK when we leave Europe outlining 12 steps to living harmoniously. It was interpreted through a light art installation made by Mary Branson at Salisbury Cathedral named ‘Ladders of Light’.

All Bread by Margaret Atwood, from Two Headed Poems. Copyright 1978 Margaret Atwood.

The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse by Charlie Mackesy, Ebury Publishing 2019

My life’s stem was cut and Hold Out Your Arms by Helen Dunmore in Inside the Wave, Bloodaxe Books, June 2017 edition

Thaw by Edward Thomas in The Collected Poems of Edward Thomas, Faber and Faber 2004

Silver Birch by Robert Macfarlane in Lost Spells, A Hamish Hamilton book 2020

Mermaids by Holly McNish in Nobody Told Me: Poetry and Parenthood, Blackfriars 2017

I Don’t Want To Be Demure or Respectable by Mary Oliver in Blue Horses: Poems, Penguin 2014

The Deep Blue Sea , A Play by Terrence Rattigan , Samuel French 1952 was streamed as part of National Theatre at Home from Thursday 9 July 7pm on the National Theatre’s YouTube channel, then on demand for one week until Thursday 16 July 7pm starring Helen McCrory

Let’s Go Crazy written by Prince for Prince and The Revolution in the album Purple Rain 1984

“It was an opportunity to talk openly about what we are going through”

“There is no hedging in conversation, we tackled our situation head on”

“Prior to this group I had very little me time. I never wrote anything unless it was a shopping / to do list!”

“My creative writing has improved and my confidence to write has blossomed so much so that I still pick up a pen and write when the mood takes me.”

“Its hard with my limited energy to be involved in any evening activities, here I could zoom in my pyjamas whilst lying on my bed and everyone understood. I even attended a session from my hospital bed.”