Firstborn

Fortunate or unfortunate for the firstborn, parents are on a learning curve. Their fears tend to drive them to overcompensate one way or another. Understandably, parenting for the first time is scary. Anyone that looks at a helpless newborn can see how fragile they are. But babies can pick up on a parent’s anxiety and, over time, can turn into neurotic people who are also afraid of making mistakes. Parents tend to put the child on a pedestal, adding additional pressure on the youth. Other problems include unrealistic expectations, micromanagement, and too much control. In these cases, children may feel they never live up to their parents’ expectations. This can lead to a great deal of friction over time. Children who aren’t allowed to make mistakes aren’t as confident or resilient as people who stumble and fall and learn from those experiences.

Firstborns are reliable, achievers, conscientious, cautious, and structured. If you’re a firstborn, these traits are a winning formula for personal and professional success. In addition, these steadfast traits build confidence in those who look up to you. As a result, you know how to make things happen. But just remember that everyone doesn’t march to the same beat. So, when it comes to leadership, it’s best to have more patience and lower expectations and, in some cases, have someone else be the boss.

One patient, Raymond, was a firstborn who felt he never lived up to his father’s expectations even though he was a successful real estate developer. His father was stable and present but overly strict with him and constantly pushed him to do better. “Straight A’s weren’t good enough,” said Raymond. “I had to be the best tennis player, the school president, and anything else my dad thought I should do.” Raymond started therapy because he recognized his unrealistic expectations for his own son, who was not fitting in with the other boys his age. His son was what psychiatrist Dr. Eric Berne referred to as “the little professor”: the child is overly responsible and mature for his age and misses childhood’s playfulness. Raymond wanted to ensure his son had an enjoyable childhood, so he was willing to change his parenting style.

Middle Child

Three isn’t necessarily as lonely as one, but there’s always one person left out when there are three.

Sometimes, the eldest child resents the new baby, who seems to lessen the firstborn’s importance in the family. Once, in a parenting class, the teacher asked, “How would you like it if your spouse brought home someone and introduced them as a new husband/ wife to the family?” Of course, we all giggled, but the point was well taken. Parents need to be mindful that their children feel there’s plenty of love to go around and help the older child feel included and as important as the new baby. Also, “Why are they so nice to this new kid who doesn’t have to follow the same rules?” is the sentiment of the oldest sibling.

With less pressure, the middle child is less inclined to perfectionism and tends to be more easygoing. They are more independent and mobile because they can learn faster from the older child. They also tend to be rebellious, probably to get attention for being overshadowed by the other siblings. On the other hand, middle children are often friendly and strive for fairness in relationships. Being in the middle, they learn the art of negotiation and later turn this skill into a successful career.

A client, Sharon, remembers struggling with bewilderment during childhood, especially when her brother would push her for no apparent reason. But she also recognized she could get away with less responsibility. She felt confused when she was either the center of attention or the one left out of playtime. Sharon’s experience as a middle child later helped her become a master negotiator. As an attorney who could see all sides of a conflict, she could amicably settle more cases than most attorneys.

Lastborn

The learning curve for parents has somewhat straightened by the time the last child comes around, but this doesn’t mean it’s smooth sailing. Being at the bottom can be a double bind. On the one hand, the youngest gets more attention, including positive and negative energy. The adoring baby might be loved by more people but can also be the emotional punching bag in the hierarchy—the brunt of jokes, pushed aside, overlooked. If the family is struggling financially, the lastborn might be susceptible to less attention and fewer resources.

The lastborn tends to be creative, loving, affectionate, and friendly, but also slow to pick up the slack. They also are good at getting people to cooperate.

As the youngest, Bobby felt like he was on easy street. He was hugged and lugged around with his siblings and he didn’t have the responsibilities the other kids endured. On the other hand, Bobby often thought he was the one who was teased the most. He was also left out of going places with his older brothers. Bobby experienced what it felt like to be an only child when his siblings left home. Later, Bobby used his experiences of mixed blessings to be a good boss and parent. He was affectionate and knew how to use his sense of humor without hurting others. He also had a sensitivity to making people feel included and a vital part of a family or work team.

What About Only Children?

Only children (such as myself) can have a mixture of traits resembling the youngest, eldest, and middle child. On the one hand, single children get a lot of attention—especially from doting grandparents—and may often be seen as “spoiled.” On the flip side, there’s no brother or sister to blame when something goes wrong. Also, since there’s no sibling to compromise with, it’s easy to become selfish. When you don’t have to fend for belongings, the art of sharing is not natural. Without siblings, we are forced to be more independent and learn for ourselves. Even though we are often lonely as children, we tend to remain loners even as adults in loving relationships. Self-sufficiency is an attribute until you need someone and there’s no one to ask for help.

Being an only child was particularly challenging for me. There were long bouts of loneliness, and when I did make friends, any bonds with other kids were only temporary because we were always on the move. There was no one to talk to or share comfort during traumatic moments. With both parents working, I didn’t have the pressures on me like the firstborn. As a result, I was an underachiever and more susceptible to big mistakes. Fortunately, I found another kind of parent through spirituality. My childhood pain was converted into compassion and empathy for others. My loneliness was transformed into breaking out of my shell and reaching out a hand to a new friend. Mindful of my tendency to be selfish, I learned how to care about other people as much as myself. This has served me well in my career as a psychotherapist for over thirty years.

Multiples

When two or more babies are born simultaneously, it creates a unique set of circumstances. The multiples would still follow the same birth order even with the same birthday. For example, if the twins are second and third after a firstborn, they would remain middle and lastborn with the same traits. Triplets would follow a second, middle, and last order. Beyond that, all multiples are in the middle, between first and last. However, if you’re not confused by now, firstborn multiples have their own birth order as first being more dominant and second having the traits of a lastborn, even though they’re born minutes apart.

At the same age, multiples can be highly competitive with each other. However, they can be closer to each other than anyone else. It can be a bit of an adjustment to realize that not all people want to be as close as their twin. Identical twins also enjoy the extra attention they receive from being noticed a lot.

Barbara and Bonnie were identical twins, firstborn and secondborn, respectively. Barbara tended to boss Bonnie around, which created a great deal of hidden resentment. They didn’t feel the pressures of being only children, and they always had each other for closeness. They both thought they could read each other’s minds and that no one understood them like they understood each other. As adults, things changed. Both twins became addicted to alcohol and drugs. Barbara got sober and stayed sober. Bonnie had no interest in sobriety. Nevertheless, they remained close despite the drastic differences in lifestyles.

Multiples have the blessing of having the closest thing to a true soulmate (or soulmates). To effortlessly be understood and relate to one another is a gift. Feeling that someone is always with you is a warm and cozy feeling growing up. Even with the birth order, there is a sense of belonging and connection no matter what.

Stepkids, aka Stepping Stones for Growth

According to Kevin Leman, author of several books on birth order, birth order in blended families becomes disorderly.2 The roles are the same, but increased competition for the position in the blended family creates new conflict, and families are often overwhelmed with negotiations. It’s difficult for parents to be unbiased regarding their biological children, often leading to unresolved disputes and hard feelings.

Parental order is another problem with blended families. Instead of two parents, there can be three or four. When kids go back and forth, they don’t fail to remind the other parent, “I don’t have to do that at the other house.” Guilt about the divorce or fear of losing the child’s affections prevents sound and objective parenting. This can create opportunities for chaos and manipulation, neither suitable for kids. While it’s a greater challenge, parents must face the birth order challenge and learn the art of negotiation and rules, regardless of how busy they are. First and foremost, for the sake of the kids, exes should put the past aside, take the time to meet (with a therapist if they disagree), and set consistent rules with sensitivity to each child’s blended birth order status. Birth order is difficult enough without having to switch back and forth. Parents who are consistent are teaching their kids good orderly direction.

Stepparenting was a significant component of Jim and Diane’s failed marriage. They each had one daughter. Jim felt guilty about the divorce and overcompensated by not disciplining his child. Diane tried to be objective, and consequently, her daughter suffered the injustice of the unfair treatment of being the only disciplined child.

www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-2005-12-04-0512040474-story.html.

Jim’s daughter learned the art of manipulation, and Diane’s daughter acted out her anger. Diane sought therapy with her daughter, but Jim refused to participate. Over time, the conflicts became unmanageable, leading to a divorce. This could have been avoided by participating in a parenting plan that worked best for parents and kids. However, as previously mentioned, guilt and fear often prevent consistency and structure—what children need most.

Keep in mind that there are many variations of the above such as male and female order, sexuality factors, and such things that we don’t have time to discuss here. When children are spread out (like mine, eleven years apart), they may take on all the traits. Or, by the time the last is born, they may have only one teenager and four adults (two parents and two siblings) to love on them.

Putting Birth Order to Practice

No matter your birth order, you are a unique individual with value and a purpose. You can learn how to use your childhood experiences to your benefit by capitalizing on your assets and using them to transform any limiting personality characteristics. By understanding your birth order, you can develop better strategies for relating to other adults. For example, I recently spoke with a woman who knew how to place employees in particular positions based on their birth order. The same holds true when interviewing a boss or any other relationship. You can always ask about that person’s birth order and then you’ll know what’s the best fit for you.

As a parent, understanding birth order is a valuable tool in child-rearing. With a firstborn, you can relax by arming yourself with good parenting books and joining parent support groups. Also, by understanding that you have a naturally conscientious achiever on your hands, you can encourage these traits while teaching the child that mistakes are learning tools, not personal failings. With middle children, be sensitive to their possible displacement in the family. Rebelliousness can be remediated with extra attention while satisfying their need for fairness. Lastborns need to feel they aren’t getting less for being last. If there’s a shortage of attention, this can be acknowledged and compensated in other ways—a little extra here and there. They should also be expected to do their fair share of responsibilities. An only child should be taught how to share and interact in healthy ways. Parents can make extra efforts to have plenty of playdates and social activities so that an only child isn’t lonely too often. With multiples, it’s essential to respect their closeness and encourage friendships with others. This helps them learn how to negotiate in relationships and cope with the reality of imperfections. With stepkids, parents must be sensitive to the disruption in birth order that affects the kids and be on the same page with parenting techniques. As in any family, the rules should apply to all. In all families, effective communication is the key to success. Family chats allow for open discussion of feelings and a forum for working out conflicts. It also provides a haven for individuals to see their strengths and work on their weaknesses. It is far better to grow in the arms of a loving family than later in an unpredictable environment without the art of negotiation and adaptability. No childhood is perfect, but that too is good because it helps prepare a child for life’s ups and downs. Regardless of birth order, when armed with the knowledge of their assets and liabilities, a child is better equipped to fare the storms while using their strengths to excel personally and professionally, regardless of life’s conditions. Well-adjusted kids do well in good and bad times because they already have childhood experiences to draw from irrespective of their strengths and weaknesses.