Difficult conversations: why we avoid them and why we shouldn’t

By Adina Kaufman

Human beings are inherently social animals. We exist within a web of personal, professional and community relationships. Each of those relationships is a potential source of joy, love and support. Each of them is also a potential source of stress, conflict and frustration. So, unless you have plans to embrace a hermit’s solitary life in a remote off-the-grid cabin, some knowledge of how to handle difficult conversations, and how to keep little problems from growing into big ones, is of value.

Difficult conversations are recognizable because they usually involve opposing opinions, strong emotions, and high stakes. And most of us try to avoid them. Even when we choose to address them, we’re often unsure of how to do it and worry about making things worse instead of better. Unfortunately, just like that pile of dog poop in your backyard after the snow melts, they don’t take care of themselves, and if you ignore them, the stench and discomfort just seem to grow stronger.

Have you ever felt annoyed by a colleague’s work ethic? Wished your family member would approach you differently when your opinions differ? Hoped your friend would step up for you, as you do for them? Been infuriated by your roommate’s passion for late night entertaining? When speaking to someone about an issue, it is vital that you find a way to remain both honest and respectful. One of the easiest ways to do this is to tackle such conversations before issues simmer and escalate. By addressing things proactively, you will be able to speak and, perhaps more importantly, listen without becoming aggressive or defensive.

How to approach difficult conversations

So, what holds us back from addressing things early? We worry we may make things worse. Ignoring it will almost surely make it worse. We hope things may fix themselves, but they almost never do. We feel unable to find the ‘right words’ (the actual words don’t really matter, keep reading). Here are some ideas to help you tackle such conversations with increased hope and confidence.

1 – Issue: Identify the issue. Is it a single instance of a problem, or a recurring pattern of behavior over time?

2 – Relationship: Identify how this issue/problem is affecting your relationship. Likely, you share common relationship goals with this other person (e.g. productive stress-free workplace, happy safe marital relationship, mutually rewarding comfortable friendship, etc.). Your common relationship goals should provide shared motivation to focus on discussing and resolving the problem.

3 – Emotions: Recognize we all have emotions and we bring them to any interaction. We need to honour our emotions, and what they tell us about our needs, while also understanding that our emotions can make it hard for us to see things from another’s perspective, or can be used to justify in our own minds our own less than ideal behavior. Take a step back and try to see how emotions might be at play for both you and the other person.

4 – Storytelling: Take a step back and question your “story”. We all tell stories in our own minds. They help us make sense of the world. Our stories are based on what we see, hear and feel, and then we act (and often judge) based on our stories. For example, when my colleague doesn’t do an expected work task, I may quickly create a story in my mind that they are lazy and not a team player. (Note that this story will have an especially big emotional impact on me and my reactions if I am someone who was raised to value hard work and teamwork). My story may be true, but there are also many other possible stories. My colleague may be driven to work hard but may also feel lacking in the training needed to perform the task and ashamed to admit they need guidance for fear of appearing incompetent. Or perhaps they are feeling unwell, but feel too guilty to take a sick day knowing the daily reality of understaffing in our division. Or perhaps they are dealing with a family crisis and feeling distracted and overwhelmed. The only thing I know as a ‘fact’, is that they haven’t completed a particular task. The rest is my imagined story. And it may or may not match objective reality and/or their story. It can also be very useful to ask yourself what story the other person is

Work Vs. Personal Relationships

telling about you, based on how you act toward them - this can be eye-opening.

5 – Conversation: After some self-reflection about what things are facts versus stories, and about what emotions and stories the other person may be experiencing, you will likely find your mind is more open to alternative stories, your emotions are less intense, and you can see more potential for connection and collaboration. You will likely be feeling more empathy and understanding of the other person’s experience. This mental and emotional shift is likely to help chart a much clearer path to constructive conversation, where the exact words you choose are far less important than your clearly expressed collaborative intent to achieve your shared relationship goals. You need to have a plan of what and how you want to discuss, but you don’t need a script. Breathe slowly and consciously. Speak directly, honestly, respectfully. And don’t forget to truly listen.

There is no doubt that in our workplaces, shared relationship goals may be much less intense than those we find in our personal lives. While it is everyone’s responsibility (and hopefully goal) to achieve a safe productive fire service workplace, ultimately it is the officers who must ensure this goal is achieved. In any work situation where things go bad, there is usually either an officer who was not to be found, or an officer who was enabling or participating in the problematic situation.

Tips for Fire Service Officers

1 – Be a leader. It’s great to be friends, but that’s not enough. It’s your job to ensure safety –not just physical, but also psychological and emotional – for everyone.

2 – Pay attention. Do not ignore evolving conflict between your crew/staff.

3 – Professionalism. A crew that works hard, trains together regularly, strategizes about how to be the best possible team together, is far more likely to have solid relationships that can withstand disagreement and resolve conflicts. And when you’re busy training, it reduces the inclination to push each other’s buttons to pass the time!

4 – Humour. A proud and time-tested fire service tradition! But remember, this de-escalation technique only works on the little stuff. For big problems, a more direct approach is needed.

5 – Direct intervention. Don’t be afraid to address an individual directly as needed. Some situations and people need a direct approach. This is especially necessary when ensuring a workplace safe for all, free from harassment and violence of any type, including verbal. If you aren’t sure of how to proceed, seek support through your chain of command. It’s not something you have to approach alone, but you do have to do it. The longer you wait, the more difficult the conversation will be.