ocal L Issue 2 May 2010
Answer
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May 2010
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The Local Answer
May 2010
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Page 4 The Local Answer
British TV at its best!
May 2010
Following a low-key launch in 2007, family-focused BBC comedy Outnumbered has gone from strength to strength, from rave reviews to awards, and is now riding high. The adult stars of the show are Hugh Dennis and Claire Skinner who play a father and mother outnumbered by their three children played by Tyger Drew Honey, Daniel Roche and Ramona Marquez. The two have obviously never heard the expression ‘never work with animals or children’ because they have made a huge success of the show by standing back and letting the kids have all the really great lines. And that’s what makes this award winning comedy so good. The kids get to be centre stage without being brats. From the seven-year-old academically competitive Karen to the ‘boisterous’ middle child Ben and the moody, mobile-addicted teenager Jake the kids are fantastic. When Karen, for instance, argues with her Dad that she’s only seven so is still learning whereas he’s ‘older’ so should’ve learnt not to lose his temper by now – there’s really no arguing with such logic.
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And Ben’s discussion with the vicar at a family wedding on why Jesus just didn’t just bash everybody and get down from the cross ‘because he could if he wanted’ must have made even the most intelligent theologian wonder a bit. And his reasoning about why lions are found in Trafalgar Square because ‘you don’t find lions in the fields in Kent’ makes you wonder about their significance as well. It’s fair to say that the part-improvised nature of ‘Outnumbered’, combined with the generous nature of the adult actors in letting the kids shine, is to thank for these gems. It allows the quirkiness of ‘kids’ stories’ to come through and create humour without seeming contrived. We all have those stories from our own kids/ nephews/nieces etc that seem so funny at the time you simply couldn’t make it up so these come across to most of us as perfectly acceptable and very, very realistic. Another advantage is that the show is filmed without a laughter track. Other family comedies like ‘My Family’ have deservedly picked up awards but they are an entirely different concept to ‘Outnumbered.’ They rely on older kids, and the parents are the stars who get themselves into increasingly bizarre situations. ‘Outnumbered’ is much more sedate. Taking the kids on a day out in London with harassed parents trying to stop each child running off in a geometrically opposed direction by merely talking to them is something that happens in real life every day. No laughter track, just a conversation with a child. It’s great that the new series is equally as good as the previous two so if you haven’t yet seen it, do yourself a favour. It’s exquisite!
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The Local Answer
May 2010
Page 5
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Page 6 The Local Answer
May 2010
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No Excuse Talking to a local police officer he spoke of some of the excuses he has heard over his time in the police force. 1. I was going downhill. -Strangely, the highway people don't increase the speed limit on downhill sections of road. 2. I have oversized tires. -- These guys usually say they were going downhill. 3. I was passing a truck. -- I must have missed that exception in the Vehicle & Traffic Law. 4. I was late and my wife was waiting for me. -- I could see some officers buying this one, but not at 107 mph. One guy who told me this was a heart surgeon. 5. It was a rental car (or someone else's car) and I wasn't familiar with it. -- Are you telling me the car didn't have a speedometer? 6. I was only going 78. Or another variation: No way I was going any faster than 80. -- I hear this one a lot. Still illegal folks. 7. I wasn’t familiar with the road. -- So you were driving faster??
8. I was just keeping up with traffic. -- Again, I hear this a lot. I could almost buy it at 70 in a 60, but not at 90 in a 50. 9. My car can’t go that fast. -- One guy who told me this, he was driving a BMW 540, which has a top speed somewhere over 130 mph. He was charged with going 90. Almost every car on the road will go 90. Actually, the surgeon from #4 said this and I checked it out. According to the manufacturer the top speed was only 105, so maybe he was right, but 105 is still a bit illegal. 10. I didn't realize I was going that fast. This may make a little sense at 70 mph in a 60 zone, but it sounds idiotic at 125 mph. When you're going that fast, you should be paying attention.
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The Local Answer
May 2010
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Page 8 The Local Answer
May 2010
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Driving at speed. Humour A senior citizen drove his brand new Sports convertible out of the car dealership... Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through his grey hair 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the A19, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly gentleman as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
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Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the Sports car, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.' The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a nice day, Sir,' said the policeman and left.....
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The Local Answer
May 2010
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May 2010
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Thanks Folks Last month we launched your edition of the local answer into the Stockton, Ingleby Barwick & Eaglescliffe area’s. The response to issue one from readers and advertisers has been most encouraging. Like our readers and advertisers in the other area’s in which the local answer is distributed you seem to have been very happy to receive our easy to use, handy to keep local directory and have used it to it’s full advantage. We understand the benefits of keeping you well informed about what your local retailers, tradesmen and service providers have to offer and we hope you will continue to use the local answer in the coming month’s to locate a service nearby. Many, many advertisers have already enjoyed excellent results for what can only be termed a modest outlay. For different reasons they have used ‘Local Answer’ to spread their message to the people of Redcar & East Cleveland and they frequently tell us that results show what a good decision that was! The reasons, we feel, are simple. ‘The Local Answer’ is convenient, easy to keep and sits unobtrusively in a handy drawer or even next to the telephone without being the eyesore that a crumpled free sheet quickly becomes. It also has a long shelf life and one of the most rewarding feedbacks we have enjoyed to date is that advertisers claim they still get response weeks after their adverts initially appear. And that is the whole point. Not everyone is in a position to respond to an advert the second they see it but because ‘The Local Answer’ is so easy to keep they are still able to refer to it when the appropriate time arrives. For more information on ‘The Local Answer’ and our other services please visit at www.local-answer.co.uk where you can read all our other publications online for FREE. Or to place an advert call us on
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Whereas all care is taken to ensure that advertisers adhere to advertising codes of practice and are of good standing, the publisher accepts no responsibility for any statement, error or omission in any advisement or editorial matter. Advertisements have been accepted in good faith but this does not imply that the advertisers have The Local Answers endorsement and no guarantee can be given by The Local Answer. No part of this publication may be reproduced without the prior written permission of the publisher © The Local Answer. The content and opinions expressed in articles published in The Local Answer are those of the contributor and are not necessarily the view of the publisher.
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Page 12 The Local Answer
May 2010
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You need to search through the layers, but Britain definitely has talent! That Britain has talent is an undeniable fact. That the programme of the same name is enormously popular is also undeniable. The reason for that popularity, however, remains an enigma. Perhaps the big problem is that to actually unearth the talent this country obviously has in abundance the viewing public has to sit through an assortment of talentless individuals whose only claim to fame is that they are willing to forego any respect they may have had among their peers for the rest of their lives. The only excuse that can be made for many of them is that it is actually the aforementioned peers who have dishonestly convinced them that they really do have a singing voice. If the evidence of the first show of the new series is anything to go by there must be some conviction among viewers that
some of the contestants must be there just to win a bet. How else, for instance, can you justify someone’s belief that the Queen and her family would enjoy watching a man drink copious amounts of fizzy liquid then try to belch the gases back melodically? That, in case you missed it, happened in the first episode of the new series. The perpetrator was, of course, unceremoniously and unanimously despatched. Horrible as it sounds, though, therein lies the real success of the
programme. By the semi-final stage most of us have our particular favourites and we have recognised the real talent that the programme has unearthed. Until their moment of truth, however, we can continue to enjoy watching the idiots, the talentless, the ridiculous and the downright insane, not quite knowing what to expect but enjoying it nevertheless. Keep watching. It appeals to everyone!
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The Local Answer
May 2010
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Page 14 The Local Answer
May 2010
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Classic sporting quotes.
I’ve often thought that if some of our favourite sports stars couldn’t kick a ball or run faster than the majority they’d be hard pushed to find worthwhile employment anywhere else? Well now we’ve managed to track down some more quotations loosely based around sport that suggest the same also applies to some of the commentators! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16.
‘I’m not gonna try to predict what I’m gonna do, Harry, but I’m gonna come out the winner’ – Frank Bruno ‘England might now be favourites to draw this match’ – Vic Marks, Test Match Special ‘Man, I used to be so bad at sports that they picked me after the white kids’ – Chris Rock ‘Street hockey is great for kids. It’s energetic, competitive and skilful. And best of all it keeps them off the streets’ – Chris Hollins, Breakfast BBC1. ‘I was watching what I thought was Sumo wrestling on TV for two hours before I realised it was darts.’ – Hattie Hayridge ‘You must have trained very hard to swim the Atlantic because not many people have done it.’ ‘It was the channel, Richard, the bloody channel.’ – Richard Madely and David Walliams on Richard & Judy. 7. ‘I can’t see who’s in the lead but it’s either Oxford or Cambridge.’ – John Snaggs, commenting on the Boat Race. 8. ‘Kris, do you have to plan your tactics before the race or do you just try to run faster than the other blokes?’ – Mrs Merton to Kris Akabusi. 9. ‘There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class’ – Ron Pickering commentating on an athletics meeting. 10. ‘No one hands you the F A Cup on a plate’ – Terry McDermott ‘I know what a goal is, which is surely the main thing even if I don’t know the offside rule or free kicks – or side kicks or whatever they’re called’ – Victoria Beckham. ‘I’d compare him to the incomparable George Best’ – David Pleat on Ronaldo. ‘That was a tremendous free kick. It would probably have gone in if he had put it where he intended to put it’ – Stan Collymore ‘The referee said Warhurst had been sent off for foul and abusive language but the lad swears blind he never said a word!’ – Joy Royle ‘The best thing for them to do is keep it at nil-nil until they score a goal’ – Martin O Neill ‘I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat!’ – Ron Atkinson For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk
The Local Answer
May 2010
Page 15
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Page 16 The Local Answer
May 2010
Website www.local-answer.co.uk
The Passing of an Old Friend. Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be best remembered for having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain : Why the early bird gets the worm : Life isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home without the burglar being able to sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. And now a relative newcomer has emerged - a very scary relative. The Health & Safety cousin best known for both slowing down and increasing the cost of everything to accommodate the stupid.
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The Local Answer
May 2010
Page 17
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Page 18 The Local Answer
May 2010
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The hazards of car parking We recently became acquainted with a delightful little book called ‘The Grumpy Drivers ’ Handbook’ by someone with the appropriate pseudonym ‘Ivor Grump.’ One of the chapters deals with parking the car and since it covers most of everyone’s pet hates we thought we would share some of them with you. Parking Charges It’s easy to see why internet sales are growing when the cost of 3 hour parking in the city centre could feed a family of four for a week. For while prices elsewhere have nose-dived car parks don’t have sales and you still have to pay the full amount at all times. If you want to shop for an hour and ten minutes you have to pay for two hours because unscrupulous operators have arranged time increments so you always have to pay for more than you need. Fussy Parkers There are a small number of motorists who believe that parking the car is a dressage event. Their main objective is to get the car perfectly positioned between the two white parking lines with equal space each side and perfectly parallel. They believe in the power of feng shui and all the chi energy that flows from flawless alignment. They will therefore manoeuvre backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards until that is accomplished – even if it’s just for two minutes while they nip for a newspaper. Approximate Parkers They are even worse as they don’t care where they park the car as long as it’s stopped and the handbrake is on. Reversing into a space between two vehicles is a pain so as long as it’s three quarters of the way in that’ll do. They’ll be gone in an hour so what does it matter? They are also afraid of the kerb and anything to their left so you could probably have a decent game of football in the gap they leave between car and pavement.
Drive Encroachers An Englishman’s home is his castle and I’m not a curtain twitcher who looks outside every time someone parks near the house but it’s the selfishness of those people who don’t look for a proper sized space that annoys me. When some unthinking bxxxxxd parks close enough to the line of exit from your own drive to make it hazardous they are asking for their bumper of front wing to be hacked off by the driveway vigilantes. ‘I’m just picking something up mate, I’ll only be two minutes.’ Yeah, right! Sundry Parkers There are those who park so close to you that you can’t stand between your boot and their bonnet without losing the blood supply to your legs. There are also the ones who block small roads because a car parked innocently in a narrow lane attracts other cars like a wasp to a jam pot. It’s sadly always the innocent one who gets his wing mirror ripped off. The biggest culprits however are the space stealers. You go past a space with the intention of reversing into it – the proper method! And while people can see that you’ve stopped and are indicating there will still be some clever dick who nicks in behind. If someone does this to you I recommend you use their front bumper as a kind of step, really testing it out to make sure it’s solid. Go on, really test it! Multi Story Car Parks Your heart never lifts when you’re entering a multi story, does it? They are apparently popular spots for suicides and can you wonder for being in one doesn’t make you want to cling on to this world for much longer. Unless you’re a big fan of Tate Modern, in which case you might be enthralled by the formal and monolithic brutalism of the concrete structure. Why a multi story hasn’t won the Turner Prize is beyond me. They also have a danger about them because the second the hero of any film is striding towards his car in a dimly lit multi story you know something dreadful is about to happen!
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The Local Answer
May 2010
Page 19
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Page 20 The Local Answer
May 2010
Great definitions
Website www.local-answer.co.uk
The dictionary is a wonderful way to discover the meaning of obscure words that journalists sometimes drag out to appear more educated than the rest of us, but the definitions it comes up with tend to be a little on the boring side. Here are some that we’ve heard over the years that are not only much more entertaining, but on occasions much more accurate as well! 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. CAMEL: A horse that was designed by a committee. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A system designed to make the simple truth a lot more interesting. KLEENEX: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes flies seem almost acceptable. RAISIN: A Grape with sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to everyone, but only one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: Today’s greatest labour saving device. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something only other people have. Yours are character lines. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds SWISS ARMY KNIFE: An item that appears useful for a wide variety of work, but spends most of its time just opening bottles. TOP BUNK: A place where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
And finally, a few words that don’t actually exist – but should because we’ve all done it! 21. 22. 23.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bath taps on and off with your toes. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs. For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk
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May 2010
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Page 22 The Local Answer
May 2010
Website www.local-answer.co.uk
The Aristocracy uncovered It’s not unsurprising in these politically correct days to see the supposed upper class frequently bearing the brunt of comedians’ humour. Perhaps they should accept most of the blame themselves for their apparent failure to come to terms with the equality now demanded by the majority. Here are some examples that they might hopefully find quite funny.
Lady Fonsonby confronted the major and told him it was time he told their son Cecil about the birds and the bees. That evening he summoned his son and said ‘Look here, Cecil, do you remember the time I caught you in bed with the maid?’ ‘Yes, father,’ was the reply. ‘Well,’ said the major, ‘your mother wants you to know that birds and bees do it too.’ The lady of the manor was totally dissatisfied with the maid and decided to fire her, citing her poor performance as both a cook and a housekeeper. The young girl – in a parting shot – rounded on the lady and said ‘your husband thinks I’m a better cook and housekeeper than you are. And what’s more I’m a damn sight better in bed than you as well. ‘Did my husband tell you that too?’ asked her Ladyship. ‘No,’ said the girl. ‘It was the butler.’ The old colonel was sitting in his club when an old army colleague approached him. ‘Sorry to hear, old boy, that you buried your wife yesterday.’ ‘Had to,’ replied the colonel. ‘Dead you know.’ Overheard in the gentlemen’s club; ‘I say, Smithers, who is Ponsonby talking to?’ ‘He’s talking to himself,’ was the reply. ‘Then why is he shouting?’ ‘He’s deaf.’
The old duke was confiding in his friend. ‘Do you know, Charles, last night my wife and I finally achieved compatibility in the bedroom for the first time. ‘How?’ asked his interested friend. ‘We both had a headache.’ Lord and Lady Fanshaw had embarked on a round the world cruise and on the third day the purser approached them and asked if they would like to dine at the Captain’s table that evening. ‘Certainly not, old boy’ said Fonsonby. ‘We haven’t paid all this money to dine with the bloody crew!’ Two gentlemen farmers were discussing their herds. The first said ‘Why is it, old boy, that your herd breeds so well and mine doesn’t?’ ‘Because my vet let me have some pills for my bulls that increased their sexual drive,’ said the second. ’Have you any idea what’s in them?’ asked the first. ‘No,’ said the second, ‘but they taste of peppermint.’
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May 2010
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Page 24 The Local Answer
May 2010
Website www.local-answer.co.uk
Is this the modern equivalent of the freak show? In the early part of the twentieth century one of the strangest forms of entertainment were the freak shows that invariably accompanied travelling fairs. Incorporating a variety of weird exhibits ranging from five legged sheep to dwarfs and hunchbacks, the shows obviously appealed to the more voyeuristic nature and took advantage of the sad creatures born with a range of horrible deformities. Modern surgical techniques and political correctness have – to a great extent – wiped out these dreadful exhibitions, but having been subjected to morning television on a number of occasions recently I reckon there is a modern equivalent. Ringmasters like Jeremy Kyle and Gerry Springer now parade their own versions of freak shows in front of huge television audiences on a daily basis, but the strangest aspect of this twenty first century phenomenon is that the freaks themselves have obviously volunteered to appear, intent on achieving their ‘fifteen minutes of fame.’ My immediate reaction is always ‘where the hell do they find these people?’ Society in general – or at least the part of it that we inhabit – is full of nice people whose attitude to life has remained unaltered for generations. Do the best you can with the talent you have; find a compatible partner with whom you can share your life; rear your children to have respect and appreciation and within your budget enjoy life to the full. That, I would suggest, is the perfect recipe for a happy existence. It therefore makes you wonder who has brought up and taught the morons who appear on
these shows daily with an apparent belief that the world owes them a living without them having to actually work for it and that partners are something to use and discard at will. The growing number of people who appear and subject themselves to lie detectors, DNA tests and an amazing amount of abuse from the partners they’ve scorned suggests that the dysfunctional population is growing and that growth is in direct proportion to the increase of readily available recreational drugs, the ease with which unmarried teenage mothers seem to secure council accommodation and the benefits that go with it , and – most importantly - the lowering of disciplinary standards in both schools and society. Sadly, there appears to be little that any government is willing to do to address the problem. Even if they were there are numerous human rights groups who try to prevent any measures that restrict a person’s ability to do what the hell he likes regardless of who it offends. Kyle and Springer frequently feature wonderful examples of the type of person who would quickly change the do-gooders attitude if they were moved in next door to them. If only....
For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk
The Local Answer
May 2010
Page 25
SELF-DEFENCE PRIVATE SELF-DEFENCE TUITION Mark Paterson has 30 years experience in self-defence and martial arts, is an 8th dan Master Instructor and is fully CRB checked. Over the years Mark has learned what will and won’t work in the heat of a real attack and has developed a system which does NOT require a high level of fitness and so can be used by anyone regardless of age, gender or physical ability.
As ed featur V CT on BB io 4 & Rad
Sessions can be held in our fully equipped training facility, or in your home, or venue of your choice. Training can be tailored to meet the needs of the individual student and group sessions are also available. Your first 1hour session is free! For more details contact Mark Paterson on:
01287 280860 or 07795 460889 Email: mark.paterson900@ntlworld.com
www.zanshinmartialarts.co.uk
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Page 26 The Local Answer
May 2010
Website www.local-answer.co.uk
The perfect reason to be proud potential to be ‘Boro fan’ byinternational glory the task The recent publication of the debts Portsmouth Football Club has accrued in a vain attempt to remain one of the Premiership elite is a wonderful example of what can happen to an apparently respectable organisation when it is subjected to really bad management. A succession of previously unknown and subsequently inscrutable foreigners has contributed to the downfall of a once proud club. The fantastic FA Cup win under Harry Rednapp seems a millennium away now that relegation has been confirmed and there is no guarantee that a further points reduction for failing to escape administration can be avoided next season.
The list of creditors shows some disgraceful statistics. No fewer than eight printing companies are listed as well as three local florists, a wedding organiser, a local caterer, a transport company and numerous other small businesses whose future could well be in jeopardy through the selfish actions of the Pompey management. The vision of the Portsmouth directors sneaking around different print companies to get their programmes produced without having to pay for them is something we should all despise. Now look at the way Steve Gibson has handled his own situation at Middlesbrough. After a number of years in which he allowed Bryan Robson and Steve Mclaren to try and compete with the big boys in the transfer market by bankrolling the recruitment of superstars like Juninho, Ravanelli, Emmerson, Merson and Southgate he had enough business acumen to realise that in a diminishing financial climate the club would struggle to continue in that vein. Once McLaren had been lured away
of reducing the club’s outlay fell to Gareth Southgate. That he managed superbly to offload the big earners, reduce overheads dramatically and make better use of the academy production line than any other manager in the Premiership unfortunately led to relegation, but in the process he created a more stable financial situation. His work will give the club the opportunity to maintain its current position as one of the better clubs regardless of where we are actually playing our football and if there is a criticism to be made it is that after such steling work he didn’t deserve to lose his job. As obviously forecast by Gibson the financial situation in the Cleveland area has suffered major setbacks of late and it is fairly safe to say that because of the combined effect of that - and the availability of every home game on local pub’s international sky channels - crowds would have inevitably dropped anyway. But Steve Gibson and the much maligned Keith Lamb have worked on stabilising the club so that the true fans can continue to enjoy and support their club for decades to come. As a sixty four year old who has been watching the ‘Boro since he was nine I for one appreciate how much that means to the majority of us. No doubt the ‘fair weather fans’ will return when there is a hint of glory on the horizon, but we have proved in the past we can do without them.
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The Local Answer
May 2010
Page 27
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Page 28 The Local Answer
Zanshin Martial
May 2010
Arts & Self Defence Advertisers Announcement I have been training in martial arts for over 30 year’s now and hold an 8th Dan Masters’s grade in Aiki-Jiyu-Jutsu as well as holding the rank of Master Instructor. I have also trained and hold black belts in many other martial arts, such as Aikido, Hapkido, Brazilian Ju-jitsu and Taekwondo and I have loved every second of it, even the painful ones!
People often ask me which is the best martial art for self-defence. And I answer Aiki-Jiyu-Jutsu because it was developed as a pure combat system and has no sporting side to it. There are no ref’s to stop dirty play and no cage to stop the bloodthirsty crowd joining in. It also covers every aspect of fighting i.e. strikes, kicks, locks, hold restraints, throws, groundwork, pressure point techniques, escapes and a wide range of weapons defence/use as well as the use of improvised weapons. AikiJiyu-Jutsu is also great for Self-Defence because it does not require a high degree of strength or fitness and so is more accessible to everyone than sports based systems, which require you to be super fit, so as to be able to last all the rounds in a bout of Boxing, Kickboxing, Karate, Teakwondo, Judo. MMA etc. While in AikiJiyu-Jutsu, we expect any combat to be over very quickly even multiple and armed attacks should be neutralised in seconds. But I guess I’m biased because I teach it.
Website www.local-answer.co.uk
The one thing that Aiki-Jiyu-Jutsu and every other martial art in the world has in common is that if you want to be good enough to make it work when you are attacked, you have to put the effort in. If you do any martial art for an hour every week and miss the odd class on a sunny evening to sit in a pub beer garden, after five years you’ll learn enough to get yourself beaten up or worse! Combat martial arts were developed by warriors like The Samurai, who trained long hours because their lives depended on it. These day’s of course, most people can’t invest a lot of time and don’t want to get involved in martial arts, but still wish to learn some self-defence. This is why I have developed my own self-defence system which utilises techniques from Aiki-JiyuJutsu and other arts, but in a much simpler form which can be learned and used effectively in a very short time. You will learn-Awareness and to avoid dangerous situations, conflict de-escalation, defence from physical attacks of all kinds, with an emphasis on knife attack, which is by far the most dangerous attack most of us will encounter today. You will also learn to use improvised weapons such as key’s, pens, mobile phones, magazines and items of clothing. The system can be used by anyone regardless of age gender or physical fitness. This is NOT Tai-bo or Boxercise, this system will actually work in the event you are attacked and that’s what really matters after all isn’t it?
For more information call Mark on: 01287 280860 or 07795 460889
For information about the Local Answer visit www.local-answer.co.uk
The Local Answer
May 2010
Page 29
THE BEST WAY TO ATTRACT LOCAL CUSTOMERS The Local Answer publication is the most effective way to attract local customers. Its convenient A5 size and monthly format makes it easy to keep handy in a drawer or by the telephone. An alphabetical index of services, at the back, is always at hand and easy to use.
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INDEX OF ADVERTISERS
Aerials (TV) MWC Services . . . . . . . Page 21 Animal Hutches/Kennels Screws’n’Things . . . . . . Page 32 Bathrooms Welhams . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 31 Bedrooms Combi-uk . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 15 Welhams . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 31 Blinds AFW . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Screws’n’Things . . . . . . Page 32 Building Services A & B Cook . . . . . . . . . . Page 6 Business Opportunity Local Answer . . . . . . . . . Page 27 Butchers Mr Moos . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 3 Cafe Joannas Kitchen . . . . . . Page 3 Car Body Repairs Sprayworx . . . . . . . . . . . Page 23 Revive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 27 Cladding MB Distribution . . . . . . . Page 23 Screws’n’Things . . . . . . Page 32 Conservatories A & B Cook . . . . . . . . . . Page 6 Discount Windows . . . . Page 15 Marton Windows . . . . . . Page 13 Curtain Making AFW . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Decorating Service Gell Property . . . . . . . . . Page 3 Rievaulx Decor . . . . . . . Page 21 D.I.Y Stores MB Distribution . . . . . . . Page 23 Screws’n’Things . . . . . . Page 32 Domestic Cleaning Kleen4you . . . . . . . . . . . Page 13 Wash Buddies . . . . . . . . Page 9 Double Glazing A & B Cook . . . . . . . . . . Page 6 Discount Windows . . . . Page 15 Marton Windows . . . . . . Page 13 Screws’n’Things . . . . . . Page 32 Window Wizard . . . . . . . Page 6
Driveways/Patios Creative Landscapes . . Page 1 Design a Drive . . . . . . . . Page 21 Designer Driveways . . . Page 23 Electrical Services Apec Electrical . . . . . . . . Page 5 Fascias & Soffits MB Distribution . . . . . . . Page 23 New Plas Roofline . . . . Page 1 Fencing Creative Landscapes . . Page 1 Gell Property . . . . . . . . . Page 3 Fires & Fireplaces Combi-uk . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 19 Fires & Fireplaces . . . . . Page 27 Fish & Chip Shops Norton Fisheries . . . . . . Page 9 Garage Construction Lidget Concrete Ltd . . . Page 11 Garage Doors 1st Kings Doors . . . . . . . Page 17 Garden Nurseries Diamond . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Sir Plants Alot . . . . . . . . Page 3 Garden Services Creative Landscapes . . Page 1 Guttering MB Distribution . . . . . . . Page 23 New Plas Roofline . . . . Page 1 Screws’n’Things . . . . . . Page 32 Hair Dressing Supplies HairOrder . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 3 Heating Combi-uk . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 19 Fires & Fireplaces . . . . . Page 27 Rubberduck . . . . . . . . . . Page 7 Home Furnishings AFW . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Home Maintenance Diamond . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Gell Property . . . . . . . . . Page 3 Rievaulx Decor . . . . . . . Page 21 Walker Roofing . . . . . . . Page 23 Window Wizard . . . . . . . Page 6 Kitchens Welhams . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 31 Landscaping Creative Landscapes . . Page 1
Laundrette Service Wash Buddies . . . . . . . . Page 9 Leaflet Design & Print Media Solutions . . . . . . . Page 8 Limousine Hire Lakes Limos . . . . . . . . . Page 8 Martial Arts Zanshin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 25 Mobile Car Body Repairs Revive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 27 Mobility Aids MV Mobility . . . . . . . . . . Page 11 Oven Cleaning Hobsnobs . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 13 Premier Cleaning . . . . . Page 9 Painting & Decor Rievaulx Decor . . . . . . . Page 21 Roofing Services A & B Cook . . . . . . . . . . Page 6 New Plas Roofline . . . . Page 1 Walker Roofing . . . . . . . Page 23 Satellite TV Installation MWC Services . . . . . . . Page 21 Self Defence Zanshin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 25 Sheds Screws’n’Things . . . . . . Page 32 Shopping Centre Pavilion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 2 Soft Furnishings Sarah Elizabeth . . . . . . . Page 5 Solicitors William Hill . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5 Takeaway Norton Fisheries . . . . . . Page 9 TV Aerials MWC Services . . . . . . . Page 21 Web Design Media Solutions . . . . . . . Page 19 Window Cleaning Kleen4you . . . . . . . . . . . Page 13 Window Repairs A & B Cook . . . . . . . . . . Page 6 Discount Windows . . . . Page 15 Marton Windows . . . . . . Page 13 Window Wizard . . . . . . . Page 6
Friendly note to our customers: The index is a free service and the publishers cannot accept responsibility or liability for any errors or omissions. Multiple insertions depend on available space.
The Local Answer
May 2010
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