Big Bertha A 10 Minute Play
By Logan Stallings
Cast of Characters: JON (Jimbo), 17, canoe paddler, not a fisher. IAN (Bubba), 17, competitive fisher. MS. DARLA (unseen), 70, owner of a riverside house.
Place: Guadalupe River, Texas Hill Country.
Time: The present.
OPENING Lights open slowly on two boys, JON and IAN, sitting in a canoe, leisurely drifting down the Guadalupe River which runs parallel to the I39. On the other side are expensive houses with river access. IAN is fishing in front while JON rows behind him. JON wears black swim trunks and a red bandana on his head (karate kid style) sitting in the back with the oar. He takes long even strokes on either side of the canoe. IAN wears black swim trunks and a large brimmed river hat. He sits in front, cross-legged, with a fishing pole, casting out and reeling in, an action which is repeated nonstop throughout the play every minute or so. On the back wall, a projector feeds a serene video of a calm river bank with the loud sounds of nature that fade into background noise from offstage. subdued sounds of nature continue from offstage.
IAN: [Singing with a fake river bayou accent] Toss my lines in the river weeds Where all them fish otta be Gonna hook ‘em an’ took ‘em An’ toss em in a pot Stew ‘em up good ‘til they tasty an’ hot JON: Mm Hmm IAN:
[in river accent] Ya know, Jimbo, it’s a lovely stretch uh water, but it’s oddly placed, ain’t it? Highway I39 on one side, an’ them nice expensive houses on the other? There’s good fishin’ though, not that you fish, but ya know, thanks for bringin’ me again. It’s good fishin’. JON: [in the same mock river bayou accent] Well, uh‘course Bubba, yous my only friend. IAN: [dropping accent, and speaking normally] That’s not true. [there’s the sounds of a car passing on the highway] JON: [jokingly shrugs and drops the accent and continues to paddle] Hey, you ever caught a gator gar by mistake? IAN: What? JON: [Abruptly, in a sing-song style with fake river bayou accent] Alligator, Alligator, gar gar gar. Who in the Heck do ya think you are! IAN: [thoughtfully] No, I don’t think I have... Are they real anyways? JON: What? IAN: Are gator gars real? JON: Oh yeah. Gator gars are real. Not like Jackalopes or shit like that even though Uncle Wade swears up and down he ate one once. IAN:
I just never seen one. JON: What, a Jackalope? IAN: No, an alligator gar. JON: [back in river boyau accent] Well Bubba, they’s just ugly ass fish with lots of pointy teeth. Surprisin’ you ain’t never seen any on account of all yer competitive fishin’. IAN: Yeah, weird. [He reels in and casts out again and speaks in the river boyau accent] Hey, Jimbo, how’s about ya put us in that there leftward direction, on over toward them shady lilypads. JON: [Puts a hand over his eyes in mock salute, scouting the area and gives an exaggerated nod. He continues pushing the canoe with long even strokes of the paddle and continues river bayou accent.] Aw, Bubba, you’s right. This here looks like one quality fishing spot. [He paddles on the right side of the canoe for a few strokes then pulls in the oar. There’s the sound of a car passing on the highway] Gee boy, if we’s gonna sit here for a spell, I might ask if you’s got any readin’ material? IAN: [curiously in river accent] Readin’ material, Bubba? JON: [still in river accent] You know, literature?
IAN: [drops accent] Only literature I got’s the assigned reading. JON: [also drops accent] Wait, we got summer reading?! IAN: Yeah, for Mrs. Hershman’s class. JON: Shit, what is it? IAN: You just pick a book from the list. I picked Of Mice and Men. JON: Why’d you pick that crap? IAN: Cause it was the shortest. JON: [back in river bayou accent] Well, Bubba, that’s the shittiest book I ever done read. IAN: You didn’t like it? JON: [dropping accent and speaks flatly] No IAN: Why’d you read it? JON: Thought I’d like it. IAN: Why’d you finish it, if you didn’t like it?
JON: Ya know how you look at wreck sometimes just to see how bad it is? IAN: [a little defensively] Well, I just finished it yesterday. Thought it was alright. JON: [shakes head] He shot his goddamn brother, Ian. Shot him in the back of the head. It was a shit thing to do. IAN: But he had to. JON: No, he didn't. IAN: He did. He had to. Those other guys were gonna kill his brother too. Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t. JON: [back in river bayou accent] Bubba, is you sayin’ that if someone was tryin’ to kill me, you wouldn’t stop ‘em, you’d just kill me first? IAN: [also back in accent and a little offended] No, Jimbo, cause you got different surroundin’ circumstances than Lennie from Of Mice and Men! JON: [dropping accent and speaking seriously] Ian. People are people and brothers are brothers, and if you kill a person just so someone else won’t kill them, that doesn’t make it better. [They both sit in silence for a while.]
IAN: [looking up and seeing someone on a platform off stage] Hey, Jon, look it’s your grandma’s friend Ms. Darla. [They both wave at the unseen MS. DARLA] JON: Hey, Ms. Darla! [He calls across the river] MS. DARLA: [from offstage] Hey, boys! You tell Barbara Anne to meet at mine tomorrow morning if she wants to swim with me, would you? JON: Of course, Ms. Darla! You have a good afternoon![The boys wave again and JON pulls out a beat up copy of Of Mice and Men] [IAN reels in and casts out several times in quicker succession. On the third time, the line gives a tug. He hums the melody of his fishing song until the tug.] IAN: Aw, shit I got a bite![in river accent] Aw man, Jimbo. She’s a big one. [He struggles with the fishing pole and glances back at JON] Aw man, she’s huge. Goddamn Big Bertha, Jimbo! [He continues to struggle and the boat rocks. JON holds onto the sides of the boat so as to not topple out. IAN gives a grunt and uses all his strength to reel the fish up and flop it into the boat where it jumps frantically and the boat rocks even more. IAN turns to face JON, the huge flopping fish between them.] JON: Jesus, can’t you tie it to the back of the boat instead of throwing it in here with us? IAN: It’s too big. If I tie it up, it’ll break the line and swim off! [He jerks the pole around frantically as the fish flops and tries to jump out of the canoe, looking spastic.]
Dammit. I didn’t bring the right knife. Jon, you just gotta hit it! JON: [in surprise/apprehension] What?! IAN: Hit it with the oar! [The boat is rocking dramatically, and IAN continues to frantically jerk the pole around.] JON: I don’t know, Ian! [He raises the oar and lowers it, shaking his head.] This isn’t my thing, you know this isn’t my thing. I just like to be on the goddamn water not to kill fish. IAN: come on man this is the biggest one I’ve seen all year! JON: [still shaking head and holding the oar in the air] I don’t know, man! It’s looking at me. It’s looking me in the goddamn eyes, and I can see it’s fucking soul, alright?! Just throw it back! IAN: No way, man! It doesn’t have a fucking soul! Just hit it, man. Just hit it! JON: AH! [He screams and hits the fish, bringing the oar down hard in the boat. There’s a beat of silence and everything is still. In that silent moment, there’s the sound of a car passing on the highway, then the boat starts to rock again and the panic ensues] It’s still alive, Jesus! Ian look at it! It just wants to fucking live!
IAN: Hit it again, hit it again! It’s jumping! Christ, if it jumps out I’ll go in after it, I swear! Just HIT IT! JON: Shit! [He hits it again and apologizes to the fish.] JON: I’m sorry! Dammit! I’m so sorry. Dammit, Jesus! [He hits it again and again, and the rocking eventually stops and everything goes still. Both boys breath heavily without talking, and JON drops the oar in the boat and puts his head in his hands.] IAN: [after a while of silence, IAN cuts the line and ties on a new hook and bait, then speaks in the river accent] Well ya did good, Jimbo. Real good. JON: [Is silent and shakes head] IAN: [in river accent, trying to relieve tension] Reckon we caused enough of a scene to scare off the rest of the good eatin’ this side of the river. JON: [Is still silent] IAN: Reckon we oughtta mosey on outta this here neck of the woods? JON: [groans and picks up the paddle gingerly. He paddles evenly, taking deep strokes on either side of the boat in silence] IAN:
[Singing slowly in river accent, and casting out with his new bait then reeling in] Toss my lines in the lilypads Caught Big Bertha; killed ‘er fast Yeah, we caught ‘er, we got ‘er An’ later we can eat Fry ‘er up an’ have a Big Bertha feast JON: Sorry, Big Bertha. [He shakes his head, sadly as he rows, not cheered by IAN’s song] IAN: [in river accent] Would you still feel bad if it was a gator gar, Jimbo? Instead of Big Bertha? JON: I don’t know. [pause] Alligator gars are some ugly prehistoric looking fellas. Kinda like they shouldn’t be on this earth, but you can’t eat ‘em, so that would just be cruel to kill ‘em just for living. IAN: Then, you alright? JON: [in river bayou accent] Yeah, Bubba, I’m just fine. Just never had ta bludgeon a giant fish to death with a canoe oar before is all. IAN: [with accent] Well, ya coulda fooled me, Jimbo. That there was some grade A bludgeoning. Now, how’s about we head back on down river an’ get Big Bertha on ice ‘fore she starts smellin’ up our fine fishin’ vessel? JON:
[in river accent] Sounds a mighty good idear, to me, Bubba, but hows about we give Big Bertha some uh privacy, so she might rest in peace. IAN: [in river accent] Wut you mean, son? JON: Wut I mean is she keeps on starin’ at me with them dead fish eyes, and it’s just I’d sure like to cover ‘em up, whether fish got souls or not, Bubba. IAN: Well, sure then, if yous gon be worried ‘bout it, toss that there cover on ‘er an’ be done with it, if yuh think it’s the righteous thing to do. [there’s a beat of silence] Do ya mean it though? JON: Mean what? IAN: If Big Bertha was a gator gar, you would throw her back? JON: Well, yeah. You can’t eat her, so yeah. IAN: What if she’s eatin’ all the other fish? JON: That’s not her fault. She’s just living. Doesn’t know any different. Doesn’t know any better. IAN: Well, Lennie from of Mice and Men didn’t know any better, but I think his brother was justified, ya know? He did what he had to.
JON: I don’t know, Ian. People are different from alligator gars. IAN: I wouldn’t bludgeon you to death with a canoe oar if you were an alligator gar I caught by mistake in the Guadalupe River. You know that, Jimbo. [There’s the sound of a car passing on the highway] JON: And I wouldn’t shoot you in the back of the head if you were Lennie from Of Mice and Men. [IAN nods, assured, and continues casing out and reeling in, unphased while JON rows evenly on either side of the canoe. The sounds of nature grow louder, and the lights dim out.]